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March 28, 2024, 07:24:22 PM

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Bond on a budget

Started by shiftwork2, December 25, 2021, 11:30:54 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

Quote from: Ferris on December 28, 2021, 05:01:39 PM*checks price* yeah that's actually slightly better, half a glass please!

"Fuck me that's awful!"

"10p in the Swear Jar, sir. We need it for the budget."

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on December 28, 2021, 05:04:58 PM"Fuck me that's awful!"

"10p in the Swear Jar, sir. We need it for the budget."

"Fuck your budget, I'm trying to get pissed here!"

"50p for the fuck and piss please sir."

"Do you know what? Save the arsing world yourselves. No, I'm keeping the scrumpy."

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on December 28, 2021, 05:50:08 PM"Do you know what? Save the arsing world yourselves. No, I'm keeping the scrumpy."

"That scrumpy's half our catering budget. There's only a gone-off Tesco scone left!"

Ferris

Bond's 2004 Kia Sorrento is covered in adverts for We-Buy-Any-Car.com

Glebe


Ferris


non capisco

#66
He's got a second hand weapon
He charges £155 a shot
An assassin who generally gets the job done
The man with the g-g-guuuuuuuuuuuuuuun

Glebe

ODD JOB: Look everyone, I've made sandwiches for the crew!

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on December 28, 2021, 07:29:54 PMODD JOB: Look everyone, I've made sandwiches for the crew!

"And check THIS!" He frisbees his hat across the room and it bounces harmlessly off a puzzled lighting techie, who's doubling up as costumier.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

Latest Bond girl revealed:


Glebe

"Ah Mr Bond I've been expecting oh fuck me I haven't been expecting this cut price nightmare!"


non capisco

Quote from: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on December 28, 2021, 07:34:47 PMLatest Bond girl revealed:



Now pay attention, Bond. You put your arm through here and hold the rest against your right side. He'll think you're carrying a giant bird, when you get near enough pretend to peck his bollocks.

Ingeniouscchh, Q!

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

And whatever you do stay off the fucking roof.

Fambo Number Mive

To save on wardrobe expenses, Bond does all his fights in his pants. As do the villains.

"Do you expect me to talk?"

"No, but I expect you to have a tiny cock based on what I can see through your pants"

"It's a grower not a shower, you arse"


frajer

"The name's Band, Jim Band. 003. Fuck me, we can't even say the number?"

Glebe

*Ursula Andress emerges from the sea onto Bournemouth Beach*

DrGreggles

"Sorry James, but we've had to sell the personalised BOND 007 license plate.
The best replacement we could find is BONE 3.
Not ideal obviously, but it looks fine on the moped."

"Sorry James, but we've had to let Miss Moneypenny go.
It turns out that she can't use a computer and we've just upgraded to Windows XP.
Now, we know you had a special friendship with her, so we've replaced her with a pound of liver and a pint glass."

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

"Sorry Bond, but due to MI6 cutbacks your car now shoots hot turds out of the back instead of bullets."

non capisco

 Q : Now this one I'm particularly keen about. You see the gear lever here? Now, if you take the top off you'll find a little red button. Whatever you do, don't touch it.

Bond : Oh, why not?

Q : Because you'll release this section of the roof and engage and then fire the passenger ejector seat. Whoosh!

Bond : Ejector seat? You're joking!

Q: Ahhhhhh, you got me! Can't get anything past you, 007!

Bond: What actually happens when I press the red button then?

Q: Sad trombone noise.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

The Man With The Plastic Gun
Bumfinger
Thunderball Ticket
A View To A Utility Bill
Pie Another Day (If I Save Up)

non capisco

Diamond Whites Are Forever

bgmnts

BIC pen instead of pen gun.

Ferris

In Her Majesty's Outsourced Service

Mr Farenheit

-Bond, here's a bucket, some soap, and a squeegee. You'll need to find your own water in the field
-Fantastic, I'm washing windscreens now am I?
-MI6 needs every penny, Bond
-I heard Scaramanga stole another super-laser
-We'll worry about that later, Bond
-Probably going to blow up the moon
-Not long til rush hour starts, Bond
-I hope he blows up this building
-Lots of dirty windscreens out there, Bond. They won't wash themselves
-I went to Eton you know

Ferris

I've looked this cunt up on wikipedia now (because I thought he went to Fettes college and I was eager to be a pedant re: @Mr Fahrenheit's post.

Turns out he was born in 1920, smoked 60 a day, drove a Saab 900 in the '80s and is based on this chap:



The ultimate bond on a budget is bond himself. Looks like he euthanizes whippets on the cheap.

"Oh, shit, Mr Bond? I haven't been expecting you. I can't afford CCTV cameras, guards, or metal-limbed henchpeople like in my last, underwater, lair you see. But this caravan is every bit as dastardly, which is why those bailiffs keep trying to take it away for themselves. You're just lucky the battery is flat or I'd be powering up my new superweapon, "the toaster".

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

Sharks with frickin flashlights fleshlights attached to their heads

Glebe

MADELEINE: Before it all goes pear-shaped and you die, I'd love to see what you've bought me as an engagement gift James.

BOND: Hope you're okay with a tin of Family Circle love.

Glebe

New Bond boasts "some of the biggest sets in film history!"


bgmnts

James Purefoy is James Bond in Moldfinger.