Befriending an Iranian chap

[Brian Freeze]

This place (work) is a disgusting horrible shithole and unfortunately so are some of the people who work here.

An Iranian chap started this week, very quiet and is struggling a tiny bit with the mumbled shite these cunts call speech - so I would like to try and be friendly.

Any tips or icebreakers I can use to try and make him feel welcome?

Are there any faux pax I should avoid?

Mostly I've been getting by asking his name with smiling and saying hello as much as possible There isn't much room for chat/socialising during work and the short rare breaks are not a hot bed of fraternity either.

I know very little about Iran so am throwing myself at your mercy for help.

[Brian Freeze]

As a fun game, would you like to play dickhead bingo and try and guess some of the shite I've heard said behind his back this week?

[bgmnts]

I'd be interested to know how Iranians view their ancient Persian past and rich pre-Islam history, but I am a mental boring cunt and this lad is probably just normal.

They have nice food, maybe see if he has any good Iranian recipes.

[Ferris]

Used to get on with an Iranian bloke in a former job, but he was bang into chess and I was eager but shit which is basically a chess-man's dream ticket.

He left to open a kebab shop which was disappointingly racist of himself against himself but he seems in good form and makes more money these days so fair enough.

Hope this helps. Ok cheers.

[Zero Gravitas]

I used to live with a load of Iranians, so I can give some great tips:

• They believe in ghosts, so chat about that, maybe sneak up behind him and go "wooooooo" and then laugh because it was a joke.
• They'll drink your Jameson without asking, so maybe something like "I'm not leaving my Jameson around this guy! He knows what I'm talking about don't ya NAME!?" then laugh as it's only joshing.
• They do like Kebabs, but when they make them there's no sticks and it's not even sliced up into thin strips, it's just chicken on bread, so maybe use that?
• They probably suspected you of being homosexual on first meeting but had a chat about it and magnanimously decided "You know what, that's okay!", so maybe thank him for that?
• [edit] Oh! they can also get you packs of blackmarket dvds that have every popular software application in the world on them when they go home, giving and receiving of gifts is important in a friendship so maybe ask for one of those?

That'll get you most of the way to a firm friendship.

[Kankurette]

Ask him what he's doing for Nowruz.

[Zero Gravitas]

• They believe in ghosts, so chat about that, maybe sneak up behind him and go "wooooooo" and then laugh because it was a joke.

Oh and related to this they will be scared to go into the basement and they'll be pretty unabashed at admitting that the reason is ghosts, so offer to go down for him if he needs to get anything.

[Goldentony]

load of weed and cans and Robocop round your flat

[Zero Gravitas]

On that note: when they smoke weed they'll get suddenly really thirsty and drink directly from the kitchen tap, when he attempts this: let him have a little drink but stop him before he drinks too much and is sick.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Stroke his forearm

[Brian Freeze]

I knew I could rely on you, you're the best.

[Scarlett Tangible]

Offer him a condom from a red leather suitcase and if he looks confused or makes it weird call him a nonce and tell him to fuck off. When someone commits a faux pas like that you have every right to be angry. If he gladly accepts you know he's a pervert so stay well away imo. Do let us know how you get on.

[The F Bomb]

Ask him if he's ever been in a fight in a foreign country.

[shoulders]

"Are you alright Iran man mate there, Iran is it then?"

[shoulders]

"How's The Iranian Supreme Court, are they doing ok?"

"How is the Ayatollah Khameini?"

[The F Bomb]

"Is Iran all it's cracked up to be?"

[shoulders]

"Do you like crisps?"

[The F Bomb]

"Where are you from?"

[Pink Gregory]

the Cure consider etc

[badaids]

Hiya Iran bloke mate, still got the old supergun going on have you?  Oliver North still knocking about over there?  Khruangbin's cover of Ma Be Ham Nemiresum was good though wasn't it?

[Dr Trouser]

Iranians are well known liars, he's probably not even from Irania.

[madhair60]

i was quite concerned about the racism in this thread but then i realised the racism is ironic so it's okay to enjoy

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Ask him if he ever met Saddam.

[shoulders]

i was quite concerned about the racism in this thread but then i realised the racism is ironic so it's okay to enjoy

Iranic 😎

[Vodkafone]

Ask him what he's doing for Nowruz.

Was gonna say this, it's coming up as well.

Tell him you've heard Shiraz is beautiful.

[BlodwynPig]

Known many iranians over the years, squash partners, holiday friends, phd colleagues, work. However, i did get kicked out of a car full of Iranian girls in Glasgow after losing my temper at the dickhead English boyfriend of one of them. The fury was intense.

[Vodkafone]

"Some of them Iranian birds are well fit, innit. Have you got a photo of your wife?"

[Butchers Blind]

"Would you like to go see the movie Argylle with me?"

[monkfromhavana]

Ask him why he moved to the UK from Iran given the distance, but before he answers sing the biggest hit by the popular band A Flock Of Seagulls at him.

[Brian Freeze]

All genuinely great ideas but I went for the old favourite and timeless classic and thought what better to offer as a hand of peace and friendship than a Jakemans (menthol and eucalyptus)?

Hope he comes back next week!