Your long-term mates and your ups and downs with them

[The Mollusk]

As students, we were great devotees of weed and hallucinogens, and we lost one of our number to the smack scene in the late 80s, but although we had virtually no contact with her after that she still retained the status of a founder member in our hearts. She died just over a year ago, and four of us drove for a few hours to get to her funeral. As we made our way down the motorway, the journey took on this weird quality of like being inside an indie film: forty years on, a group of friends go on a road trip to salute the first of the gang to die, reminiscing, laughing, filling in the gaps in each other's memories, stopping off at a café-cum-gift-shop and revelling in its oddness and, as the light faded, revisiting some old haunts after four decades' absence. Were we chasing ghosts, or were we the ghosts, mere echoes of the people we once were? Aaaaaaah.

This is really touching. I mentioned in another thread the other day that someone I was best friends with as a child (but had since very much drifted away from) had took his own life late last year, and though the funeral was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever been through, I found it really helped me to reconnect with old friends at the wake, namely two lads who I've known about 30 years and have shared some wonderful times in my youth with. The three of us started a group chat that day and every week or so one of us has been checking in on the mental wellbeing of the others. I would have never pegged them as the open hearted sorts but we've all revealed so much about our personal lives in the years we've been apart and it's been a beautiful experience for me. Some of the messages of support they've sent me have had me in tears. A wonderful rekindling of friendships and we didn't even have to watch each other do a shit out of our arseholes to get here.

[iamcoop]

I had a group chat for nearly 20 years with 4 of my oldest mates from scchool, which was super active; even though we all lived in different cities we'd all be talking every day, and a couple of times a year we'd meet up in London for drinks and it would be amazing.

Spoilered for possible triggering content:

Spoiler alert

Sadly my oldest and best mate who was part of that chat unexpectedly killed himself in late 2022, and despite our best efforts to keep things going it just isn't the same at all and the chat has petered out. Nobody messages on there at all anymore, it just doesn't feel the same and seems odd and weird. So it's been doubly upsetting as we not only lost our mate, but a huge ongoing part of my life that included regular contact with my other old friends has gone as well.

[close]

Sorry, that's very bleak but there we are.

[Dex Sawash]

Fucked off all actual friends long before your emails and myspaces etc came along. There's a mullett fella been at the walmart behind work since it opened in 94, we sort of do the recognition nod at each other.

Still friends with Ric from 80s (not that ric) but his kids came along 10 years after mine so we had 20 years blocked off. Then he started fucking the babysitter 15 years ago (still together) and wife isn't big on that despite dearly loving Ricky.

[ros vulgaris]

I recently broke contact with an old best mate from secondary school. No ill-will really, it had just become too tepid to bother with. I'm now no longer in contact with anyone I knew outside of my family prior to my 20s, although I've maintained online contacts from earlier. I'm open to a rebuilding of bridges but they'll need to make the effort now.

[ros vulgaris]

My best friend from primary school died when he was 15. The daft bastard rode his bike straight into a bus. We'd drifted apart a bit in his last year or so and I often wonder how the bond would still be if he'd lived.

[lauraxsynthesis]

Nobody warned me that all my female friends would disappear when they had children. We can meet up twice a year for lunch but that's the lot. I can't help but notice that their kids' dads have active social lives however. Currently all my closest and longest standing and favourite friends are getting priced out of London so essentially those friendships are over, I reckon. I've been worrying recently that spending less and less time with longstanding friends means I don't have people around to keep my eccentricities in check and I'm becoming weirder than I'm comfortable with.

My parents moved us around a lot and I left school with two close friends I had only known for 3 years and one of them died a few years back - drink and drugs. The other isn't very healthy either and currently is avoiding me after I lent her money for rent that she can't afford to pay back. I told her I didn't expect it back but she feels bad.

The reason I'm a comedy nerd is because of my best friend when we were 14 who introduced me to Monty Python. We lost touch when my family moved but connected again 28 years later. I said we should record a podcast of us catching up about what we'd been up to, but she wasn't keen.

[imitationleather]

I said we should record a podcast of us catching up about what we'd been up to, but she wasn't keen.

Tell her she doesn't have a choice.

[lauraxsynthesis]

Tell her she doesn't have a choice.

On reflection the podcast sounds like a weird suggestion. I should have said, we used to record a comedy radio show together just for ourselves for fun. I still have the cassettes somewhere.

[Jockice]

I still go for a drink a few times a year with three guys from secondary school. One who was in the same class as me all the way through, one from the second year onwards and another who was two years below and didn't really become friends with until we started going to pubs and clubs.

So I suppose the first is the longest-standing -  1977! - although I'm closer to the second. My best mate at school has disappeared from the scene. He had problems with alcohol and would occasionally ring me up when pissed and I'd go and meet him. But I haven't seen him for a few years now, don't have his number anymore (lost it when my old phone died) and although he's on Facebook he never posts anything, although he occasionally likes stuff I post. I've sent him birthday messages saying we should meet up someday but it hasn't happened yet. He was meant to come out when a mutual friend was back from Australia and also to another mutual friend's mum's funeral a couple of years ago but he didn't turn up to either. Hope he's ok.

There are a few other people from school I see but usually only at Christmas and others I'm in sporadic contact with but since they live elsewhere but haven't seen in person for years.

Outside of school, there is a group I've been friends with since my late teens/early 20s. I met them basically through the guy who moved to Australia - who I met through playing football in the park in our early teens - who brought one of them out on my 18th birthday. They were at the same sixth form and born on the same day. He and his brother and sister lived not far from me and I ended up as part of their social group. I see some combination of them at least once a month. One thing I can't explain is that my closest out of that group and my closest schoolfriend have seemingly never met each other. I'm not trying to keep them apart but the only time I can remember them being in the same room was at my mum's funeral (one was on holiday when it was my dad's three years later) and I don't think they spoke to each other then.

My closest platonic female friend (not part of a group. We met each other by chance one lunchtime in 1998) has cancer at the moment. She's never smoked, touched alcohol or taken illegal drugs in her life. So that is totally shit. I'm seeing her for the first time in a while next week. She hasn't been able to go out while undergoing treatment and has two young daughters (and an ex-husband still living in the same house) so I haven't hassled her, just said we should meet up when she's up to it. And she says she is, so we're going to the theatre on Monday.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Lost contact with one of my absolute best mates over lockdown, kept meaning to get back in touch, but y'know, awkward, innit. Neurodivergence, innit. He died the other week, aged 44, after having a massive fit. One of the warmest, kindest people you'd ever know, gone just like that. Fucks sake.

Funeral's tomorrow. Absolutely not going. Didn't really know his family and his other mates are mostly distant acquaintances. I'd have gone if we could have had a catch up, but it's not happening; dozy cunt's in a box, not saying anything. His only role is to get, thoroughly and completely, in grave.

But, above all, I'm not ready to say goodbye and bury that fucker. It's not just no age, is it? It's minus age.

Anyway, I'll go see his stone when it's all sorted and say my goodbyes then. Take the boy down, make a day of it. McDonald's after.

[Cloud]

I have three friends from thirty odd years ago that I went to school with.

Same situation. 3 friends, 30odd years.

But I'd say it's just now starting to crumble a bit... we'll always be special to each other, it's just life and circumstances.  We ran our own forum for a bit (which had a few other friends come and go) that died off when Facebook became a thing.  Still have a Facebook messenger group.  But one found love and moved away, one got a bar job so all the weekends we used to do stuff are no longer possible.  Third one is about the same as ever.  I drifted somewhat during the pandemic basically not seeing them at all for the best part of 2 years and making some VR friends (along with a BF who came and went) and haven't completely recovered my connection with them since.  We have been going out for curry nights once in a while (I'd generally join them once every couple of weeks) but that too has just about died off, having become prohibitively expensive with all the price hikes lately.

I wouldn't say we've been through particular dramas.  A few little fights amongst ourselves and at least 2 of them going through undiagnosed depression and mostly coming out the other side.

[Jockice]

I haven't really had many fallouts with friends. The odd argument but the only really bad one was with the longest-standing one from school at the closest one from school's wedding. It started off with him saying Mindbomb by The The was good and me saying it was crap. And then it got personal.

I did phone him up at work and apologise a week or so later (although I'd say I was only half to blame) and he said he'd ring me back but didn't. And that was that for almost a year until we met by chance in a wine bar and his wife (who we were also at school with) basically sat us down together and left us to it. We just went back to normal after that.

I also had a bit of a dodgy period with the one from two years below when I lent him some money, then he asked to borrow some more and when I told him no he borrowed it off the longest-standing one. And paid him back first. I wasn't too happy about that but I did eventually get it back.

And I blocked a female friend a couple of years ago but that was because we went out with each other for a few months in the early 90s  (it ended badly as did trying to be friends afterwards) then became platonic friends - I contacted her - about 2004, fell out again a decade later and became friends again three years later - she got in touch this time. It was a pretty sad ending though. There had been a death in her family, I tried my best to be sympathetic (even though I've never met any of her family), said she could call me anytime, offered to meet up with her three times,  was turned down on each occasion and then she had a go at me for not immediately trying to set up another meeting. She was disgusted with me apparently. As my girlfriend's mum was - literally - on her death bed at the time I'd had enough. It brought back things like when my dad (who she knew) died I messaged her and she didn't contact me until the following year. She had her nice side but could be incredibly selfish and demanding. I'm better off not having anything to do with her.

[gilbertharding]

Actually, there was a bloke I was fairly good friends with in the 6th form. But then we left and I got a job and he went to university and never kept in touch, except for bumping into each other in a pub in about 1990... And then I went to university and never went back and then 35 years later he happens to get a job at the same place my wife worked (this is a few hundred miles from our hometown, by the way) and somehow or other we renewed our acquaintance - but so far only on Instagram.

I did arrange to go for a drink, but he seemed a bit lukewarm, and then I had to cancel it because of a domestic emergency, and I wonder if I'll actually ever fix a new date. A bit depressing really

[Cloud]

I expect I'll bump into my 6th form mate one of these days when he's visiting relatives or something.  He moved away, neither of us did a brilliant job keeping in touch, I got conscious of it and sent the odd email and stuff which never got answered then just let him be and got on with my life.  Haven't seen him for about 20 years now.  Last time I stalked his name he was running for the greens in his area, fair play to him.  Even that was ages ago.  Crazy how time flies...

[Jack Shaftoe]

Nick, a sort-of friend from school passed away a while back, we weren't bezzie mates or anything, but he was a really kind thoughtful guy and his funeral was in our home town so I thought I'd go. It said on the thing that anyone who knew him was welcome to turn up and please don't wear black, so I wore chinos and a blue check shirt.

Drove up to the crematorium to see a load of people I hadn't seen for a decade at least, all wearing black, which panicked me, then I realised Nick was the only person I'd really liked out of all of them and he wasn't exactly going to be in a state to say hello, so I wussed out and turned the car around only to realise the hearse was now coming down the one lane road and I was right in its way, so I had to reverse back all the way back, sweating with stress with the hearse with dead Nick in it bearing down on me.

Eventually dead Nick's car stopped to pick up some family members (his niece was on her phone, the teenage little shit*) and I was able to reverse into a carpark so I could wait for it to move on then high-tail it out of there.

Turned out someone I did like went to the funeral and he said it was 'really depressing, even by funeral standards' so I guess it all worked out (for me).

RIP Nick, you were weird and funny and nice and introduced me to some cool bands. x

* To be fair she might have been telling friends how upset she was, I don't know.

[madhair60]

a long-term friend of mine turned on me out of nowhere last year, and I mean out of nowhere - zero warning signs, zero indication there was any problem, we were working on projects together just a few days earlier, then boom - huge blow-up, saying absolutely horrible and manifestly untrue shit, going after me big time on social media and stuff (though we were irl friends, past that point i'd thought).

it took me a long long long time to come to terms with, mostly because he refused to give me a reason and when he eventually did it was a load of bollocks. it's only very recently i've "got over it", though i haven't completely. it's interesting how much it can affect you when a friend goes at you like that. I'm almost grateful that it happened when it did, around the time Twit 2 died and another long-term friend turned out to be a massive cunt, so it was almost a rule of three thing and i was already pretty numb. can't imagine how bad it'd be if i hadn't already been somewhat hardened.

i later did find out why and it was literally the most pathetic thing ever. at any rate if I ever run into the cunt again, which is quite likely, i will be beating him until he bleeds.

...okay i probably won't. but i will think about it and smile beatifically.

[Jack Shaftoe]

Thats's absolutely gutting, madhair, it can do your head in when that happens. I got sort-of ghosted by a long-term friend a while back, not as bad as them turning on me like that but I was thrown at how much it affected me. Reading up on it, it sounds like ones brain gets very confused when this happens and ends up filing the person in the 'dead' category, so you go through all the stages of grief without knowing why or, in my case, think you see them in town and have a near panic attack because your brain's going 'argh, they're dead, why are they walking around?!' Although that makes it sound like I thought they were a zombie, I should make it clear I didn't think that, that would be going too far.

EDIT: if this all sounds a bit miserable, we're back in touch now, friend was having major issues with family and parents and had shut down a bit to cope but we're back to sharing texts going 'cuh!' and 'what's that all about, eh?' with each other, which is lovely.

[Inspector Norse]

Got a few friends from back in the day who I stay in touch with and we meet up when I'm over and have some drinks and that. There is one in the group who is absolutely key to this: the rest of us are typical disorganised and emotionally stunted MEN who will go two months without communicating then just send a photo of Steve Bruce eating a kebab, and he is the one who really makes the effort to get us caught up on proper news, and meet up and travel to see the others, and be supportive and understanding and a shoulder to cry on when something happens to one of us.
Oddly he is also the one who's never really got his personal life sorted - despite having a good job, an active social life and being the solid emotionally sensitive mate we all need, he's bounced around flats and houses and never really settled down with anyone while the rest of us have all paired off and blessed the world with our offspring.

Having grown up in a small town, though, I've lost touch with most other people from school (beyond having them on Instagram etc) because most of us moved away and, crucially, a lot of people's parents did too, so we just haven't really met up. Didn't really stay in touch with people from university in the end either.

[dissolute ocelot]

I'm not very good at keeping in touch with people other than by social media/online, which means very few from the previous millennium, although several I've known online for over 20 years. I've lost contact with most people from school and uni; I'm Facebook friends with one guy from primary school (I initially accepted his request because he's safely on the other side of the world, but I've not bothered with other people I was less friends with at school).

I still see a couple of people from secondary school (they're brothers). My old secondary school has a former pupil's society and occasional reunions but I refused the earlier ones and couldn't make the more recent, though there aren't many people I'd actually like to see.

But I lost touch with almost everyone from uni, generally very quickly after leaving, back in those pre-internet days where the only contact details might be their parents' address and everyone moved through a series of shared flats. My closest friend at uni I was friends with for a few years after, meeting up occasionally for a movie, but she had a lot of health issues and I moved away for a couple of years for work, so not been in touch with her for over 20 years.

[Cloud]

a long-term friend of mine turned on me out of nowhere last year, and I mean out of nowhere - zero warning signs, zero indication there was any problem, we were working on projects together just a few days earlier, then boom - huge blow-up, saying absolutely horrible and manifestly untrue shit, going after me big time on social media and stuff (though we were irl friends, past that point i'd thought).

it took me a long long long time to come to terms with, mostly because he refused to give me a reason and when he eventually did it was a load of bollocks. it's only very recently i've "got over it", though i haven't completely. it's interesting how much it can affect you when a friend goes at you like that. I'm almost grateful that it happened when it did, around the time Twit 2 died and another long-term friend turned out to be a massive cunt, so it was almost a rule of three thing and i was already pretty numb. can't imagine how bad it'd be if i hadn't already been somewhat hardened.

i later did find out why and it was literally the most pathetic thing ever. at any rate if I ever run into the cunt again, which is quite likely, i will be beating him until he bleeds.

...okay i probably won't. but i will think about it and smile beatifically.

It's mad that people do this.  It happened to an online friend of mine, his IRL friends - not even as kids, like early 20s - just out of the blue raged at him about a bunch of grievances that essentially relate to his ADHD and told him to end himself. They knew he had depression as well so it's a disgusting thing to say that could've resulted in exactly that. Thankfully he had the strength to keep going and let them go, block their communications etc but to this day years later it's always on his mind when the black dog is on his back. And why wouldn't it be, it must be hard to know who to trust when you've been friends with someone for a while then they just go and turn on you like that. 

I guess if anything it just shows the importance of actually saying something when someone is bothering you rather than bottling it up, especially if one is liable to be a complete cunt when the bottle inevitably blows up. 

[Emma Raducanu]

I was always quite keen to stay in touch with old friends. Visiting home during university, the first thing I'd do is organise meeting up with people.

Over the years, maybe as I've gradually lost touch with more and more people, those catch-ups have felt less and less important.

I've got my own life now pretty far from where I grew up and there's no reason for me to assume old friends haven't got theirs.

It's a lovely feeling to meet up with my longest-serving friend though. He'll probably always be the loveliest guy I know and the one person I always felt 100% at ease around. I'd love for him to be part of my life but we are separated by distance. Plus the last time I contacted him, he never responded so he'd better have lost his mobile phone. Neither of us are on social media.

I work a job with pretty transient people. They come and go all the time. These are the types of friendships I have grown to enjoy more. Fleeting periods of intensely getting to know eachother, of sharing our weird sense of humour then saying goodbye. It's sad and then the next person comes along.

[ProvanFan]

I still see a couple of people from secondary school (they're brothers). 

Conjoined?