Your shameful happiness

[Buelligan]

My life is an open book with a deeply wrong soft centre.  Recently a man moved here, nearby.  He's got a wife, kids, a normal-seeming man.  Almost as soon as he arrived, he propositioned me, he inveigled his way into my home to do it and in honesty, it frightened me.  I felt afraid at night for a bit.  In reality, I think he's simply a venal dishonest but harmless person. 

Anyway, he pisses off my neighbours because he drives a rather smart black BMW (not really a country car but still) and he parks it outside his house, just leaves it there.  Fine.  Except the lane is so narrow, the car fills the road.  For him, it's difficult to get out of once parked like that.  For everyone else, they can't even get past it on foot.  This pisses off the neighbours.  They worry about ambulances and getting their own shopping and stuff.

Yesterday I was at home and I heard a strange groaning swoosh and clu-wumph crack crack crack groan sound.  Quite loud, oh yes.  I looked out.  He'd left it there, again, blocking the lane, again and left the handbrake off.  It had ploughed down that tiny stone-walled road, a precious fragile pinball, binking into pots and an old metal bench, scrimping along the walls annnd relax, ending, sighing, in the deep storm drain at the bottom.

I decided to go out the back way but it cheered me up.  I know this is wrong but nevertheless it has lightened my heart.  Brought me genuine moments of cheer.

Bekenne deine Schadenfreude, wenn du willst -

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

that does indeed sounds really a bit scary with the inveigling and all tbh. y'all ok?

[madhair60]

i wrote something really wretched here but decided to delete it as my good deed for the day

[Buelligan]

Chapeau to you mads.  I hope it made you happy.

that does indeed sounds really a bit scary with the inveigling and all tbh. y'all ok?

I'm great, thanks.  I was afraid but OK now.  Luckily I'm quite good at seeming in charge and strong.

But I want to hear of personal joy brought through the misfortune of others, preferably people who deserve a little mild misfortune, surely I cannot be alone?

[non capisco]

My favourite moment of schadenfreude is probably still one from the school playground when I noticed from the opposite end of the field this absolute dickhead from my year called Duncan bullying a bunch of younger kids, and then the moment where it seemed to click with them that they had strength in numbers and all teamed up to lift Duncan up and hoy him arse-first into a bin. He was very much a broken figure after that. Me and my mate nearly blacked out from laughing at the sight of it all, observed from a distance like an open air play. The moment of realisation, the collective action and then Duncan with his legs sticking out of the bin waggling like a fucked ant. It was an almost too-perfect little tableaux.
 

[mattyc]

Well, certainly not someone who deserved mild misfortune, but the fate of Max Clifford always brings me plenty of schadenfreude.

[madhair60]

whenever there's a youtube personality i dislike and get told off for irrationally hating, then later it turns out they're a fiddler either financially or kiddie. and my instincts have never ever ever been wrong. ever

[momatt]

Well, certainly not someone who deserved mild misfortune, but the fate of Max Clifford always brings me plenty of schadenfreude.

This is a very good example, I was delighted with what happened to him.
Alan Sugar and Piers Morgan next pleez!

[Cuellar]

I was walking around town one day and saw an old man gamely trying to pull himself onto a bus when a couple of teenagers charged from the back of the bus and kicked this old guy full in the chest, hard, and he went clattering to the ground.

I know it shouldn't but it always makes me smile when I think of it.

[Butchers Blind]

Where I worked many years back there was a manager who was a right arse, constantly haranguing the female workers over poor performance or whatever he thought justified his behaviour towards them even though he himself was a lazy piece of shit and absolutely gash at his job. One day he disappeared, never to be seen again and it turned out he'd been looking at grot on his work PC and been fired. Not shameful happiness but never seen a workforce gloat as much over that news.

[Buelligan]

Now we're talking!

I was walking around town one day and saw an old man gamely trying to pull himself onto a bus when a couple of teenagers charged from the back of the bus and kicked this old guy full in the chest, hard, and he went clattering to the ground.

I know it shouldn't but it always makes me smile when I think of it.

Yeah, I fucking hate your dad and all.

[Jockice]

Here's one I've undoubtedly mentioned before but there was a kid in my year at school who was an absolute wanker to me. A loudmouthed racist ableist twat. He became obsessed with a girl who quite rightly wanted nothing to do with him. But he'd turn up her house with bunches of flowers etc. Unrequited love, we've all been there, however I had no sympathy.

Fast forward a few years after we'd left and I was visiting a couple of schoolfriends who now lived in London and who should we bump into in a random pub but this girl. We had a chat with her and I said: "Are you still in touch with David Longforeignsurname?" Her reply: "That wanker!" convinced me she wasn't.

A few days later I was back home and went to the pub with my dad, who was at the bar. Someone tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I had change for the fag machine. I turned round and it was him. My nemesis. But you know, let bygones be bygones etc so I asked him how he was and we had a chat. About a minute into the conversation he asked me if I'd seen anything of Jane Irishsurname.

Yeah, I casually replied. I saw her in London at the weekend. It took a few seconds to sink in, then his face dropped and he went: "Are you shagging her you twat?"

You know that thing about gentlemen refusing to confirm or deny anything. Well I was a perfect gentleman. He asked me if she ever mentioned him. Nope I said. Because she hadn't, I had and I don't think he'd have liked it if I shared her response with him. So I spared him that.

He left and went back to where he'd been sitting when my dad returned, looking very unhappy. And I was very happy. I never had any intentions towards Jane. Nice lass but I didn't fancy her. But just him thinking  I'd succeeded where he'd failed still amuses me greatly till this day.

That is literally the only time I've met either of them since leaving school until this day. And all I've ever heard is when he appeared in the paper I worked for about 15 years later up in court for beating up some poor woman he'd somehow persuaded to marry him. He was told he was facing a prison sentence. It couldn't happen to a nicer bloke. If I ever meet Jane again I'll be sure to tell her about that.

[Garam]

Be sure to also tell her you let a guy think that you had sex with her

[Jockice]

Be sure to also tell her you let a guy think that you had sex with her

If you insist. It was all in his head though, not mine.

[lauraxsynthesis]

That thing Morris and Iannucci did in The Observer about 9/11, Six Months That Changed A Year, when I read this: 

'Yesssss!' - First reaction of many British people who subsequently claimed to be appalled

I felt seen. Although I've never claimed to be appalled by 9/11 tbf.

[BlodwynPig]

If you insist. It was all in his head though, not mine.

Do you think he beat up his wife because she was not Jane?

[AngryGazelle]

Me Tarzan, you not Jane.

[jfjnpxmy]

Few months ago I was having a couple of jars with a friend, and the place we were drinking in has an upstairs bog.

Two pints in, I go for a wazz, and absolutely blunder on the last stair. Toecap clips the slightly loose nosing, and I go flat on my face. Old boy nearby is concerned, cause it did look nasty, but I'm actually fine. Minor bruise to the knee, but I am a dense lad and shrug it off. Old boy then spends ten minutes going "UR YE SURE YIR OKAY? JINGS THAT WIZ SOME FALL" and, even though I sprung to my feet like a gazelle, he was convinced I'd dealt myself a mortal blow.

Anyway as the night goes on every time I get up, for any reason, the old boy is giving it big HA HA HA, MAYBE STICK TO THE SOFT DRINKS, EH? HA HA HA, NO REALLY THOUGH MATE ARE YE ALRIGHT? THAT WAS SOME FALL EH? over and over and over. Mate's a beer snob who's mighty choosy about where he bends his elbow, so going someplace this tedious old scrote isn't does not appear to be an option.

So imagine my dark joy when the old boy got up, walked two steps, tangled his ankles and fell over, simultaneously breaking both his wrists AND ejecting his falsers with a comedic PLOO! noise. And imagine the grisly satisfaction I got from going "Best stick to the soft drinks, eh?" as he was escorted out by the paramedics...

[Jockice]

Do you think he beat up his wife because she was not Jane?

It's possible. Because he was an utter wanker. Recently discovered that someone I know is friends with someone with the same surname as him. Which isn't a common one, at least not round our way. Might be his sister or something but I'm in no rush to find out.

(I've just looked up the surname. Apparently it's Scottish. So am I and I've never known anyone up there with a surname anything like that. Weird. Almost makes me feel better about the number of times he called me a Scottish bastard and told me to get back from where I came from. What, you mean the same place as your family came from David dearest?)

[PlanktonSideburns]

School bully has long term pain in the life disease. My angel mind gets no joy from this information, but my cunt heart wants what it wants

[bgmnts]

Yeah if I found out one of the many cunts from school who helped fuck my life up had a horrible debilitating disease, a small part of me would relish, I'm afraid to say.

But then I'd get a bit sad that I'd even feel that because it's a pointless cycle of anger and hatred.

But then I'd get annoyed at myself for not even being able to indulge in shameful happiness like everyone else.

[Buelligan]

That thing Morris and Iannucci did in The Observer about 9/11, Six Months That Changed A Year, when I read this: 

'Yesssss!' - First reaction of many British people who subsequently claimed to be appalled

I felt seen. Although I've never claimed to be appalled by 9/11 tbf.

Was riding a great big motorcycle across Europe that day.  No idea at all about anything happening outside my range of vision.  Miles and miles of green hills crossed out in white, drumbeat of a V, that was all and everything.  A blue beautiful day.  Thought arrived unbidden Until someone really fucks America up the arse on its own turf, it's never going to understand why war is wrong.  Turns out I was wrong.

[Endicott]

This thread is the closest match for this story from two or three years ago, although it's not exactly about deserved schadenfreude, more just the funny antics of a very drunk teenager.

Alright so it was a spring/summer Sunday afternoon and around that time there was a small group of teenagers who used to hang out near my house because there's a shop there. This particular afternoon they turned up pretty loud and it was clear immediately that two of the girls were completely smashed. I went to the shop and when I came out one of them was just sitting in the road looking in her bag. At the same time a neighbour started up what sounded like a complaint (although it was too far to really hear) to one of the boys and immediately the girl leapt up and walked towards them saying very loudly: "He ain't done nothin, apart from cheating on me, he ain't done nothin".

I heard that as I went back inside. Then they all regrouped and started to leave, as I watched from my window. This same girl then fell into a bush in a neighbouring garden. Having picked herself up, she got given an empty bottle by her mate. They'd been drinking whatever out of a litre squash bottle, but now it was empty.

She looked at the bottle, and then bent forwards and really threw the bottle at the ground. The bottle bounced back straight into her face.

No one was hurt, dear reader, but that may have been the funniest thing I've ever seen. Probably means I'm going to hell.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Yeah if I found out one of the many cunts from school who helped fuck my life up had a horrible debilitating disease, a small part of me would relish, I'm afraid to say.

But then I'd get a bit sad that I'd even feel that because it's a pointless cycle of anger and hatred.

But then I'd get annoyed at myself for not even being able to indulge in shameful happiness like everyone else.

The two people I've held a grudge against in my life have gone on to have real rough times of it, the other one i would love to reach out to and apologise for not accepting their apology back in the day, feels like my cowardice has shrivelled part of my soul irrevocably there, maybe I will some day

[BlodwynPig]

Apology accepted

[shoulders]

$4,000 for that?!?

[Norton Canes]

Bumped into a guy I used to work with in town last year and he solemnly informed me that one of the arseholes who ran the company we worked for - who, he knew full well, collectively made every moment I spent there miserable for me, before making me redundant on the cuntiest, most spurious grounds imaginable - had just died. It was all I could do to stop myself punching the air and crying "Yesss!!!". In fact the guy giving me this news should've been equally happy, because they were cunts to him too - except they did it behind his back, whereas with me it was very much to my face. I suppose flexible strategies are the mark of a good workplace bully.

Anyway. One down, three to go.

[Norton Canes]

Shit. I'd better say goodbye to you all now, because I feel like I've just acquired a huge karma debt.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Apology accepted

GET FUCKED

[BlodwynPig]

GET FUCKED

My turn to apologise. I completely misty eyed did not get the context of the post. Big sorry for that wanky reply in context.