Best Man's Speech!

[CaledonianGonzo]

T minus 8 days until I have to deliver one of these comradely male public addresses to a fairly sizeable international congregation.

So I've spent the best part of the last fortnight banging my head on the proverbial desk trying to come up with original gags and witty bon mots without falling back on best man's speech clichés or trad one-liners.

It isn't, surprisingly, a doddle.  I did one about 12 years ago, but I can't remember the first bloody thing I said, so I'm not even much use to myself.

In a sense, part of the issue is the groom's ability to keep a straight head after too many drinks, meaning that there isn't a great deal of humiliating anecdotes with which to embarrass him. 

Also, the list of forbidden subjects is longer than my arm.....and I don't want to be doing any of this chauvinist nonsense about marriage being some kind of trap or jail sentence.

So - anyone done one of these before?  Got any hints, tips or classic anecdotes that can't fail to break the ice?

Or just stories in general of when it's gone disastrously wrong so I can cheer myself up.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Just some housekeeping before I begin helping you...

How open is the groom to 'arty' best man speeches?
How open is the groom to 'performance art'?
How open is the groom to severe sexual humiliation?

[CaledonianGonzo]

I promised him that he wouldn't be sexually humiliated on the stag night and was true to my word - but I don't think the moratorium extends to the post-prandial toasts and speeches.

[Dead kate moss]

'Now I like the Groom's family... and I like the Bride's family... but which one is...'

Yes it's a bit of a cliche now but they'll probably get the reference and glare at you stoney-faced fight laugh.

Or go with a cheeky puppet.

[Neville Chamberlain]

Begin with the words "Due to an administrative error...". Straight away you've got them by the jaffers!

[Dead kate moss]

Can you do any 'funny foreigner' characters?

[CaledonianGonzo]

The bride and her family are all from NZ, so I intend to start proceedings by performing a one man Haka and then talk about meat pies and L&P water for 10 minutes.

[SetToStun]

Ooh! Ooh! Don't forget the one about how you wanted to visit New Zealand but couldn't face flying 24 hours just to end up in 1950s Scotland!

[momatt]

I did a best man's speech a couple of years back.  It was amazing.  I used the word onanism.  At least 10 people laughed at that.
I started by saying how when we first met I took an instant dislike to him, and went downhill from there.

Went to one last weekend where the best man kept going on about the groom's constant bed-wetting, which was the meme of the day (though I don't think it's true).  So feel free to use that one.

Or just get one off the internet if you can't be arsed.

[CaledonianGonzo]

Ooh! Ooh! Don't forget the one about how you wanted to visit New Zealand but couldn't face flying 24 hours just to end up in 1950s Scotland!

Shortly before being tackled to the ground by all the bride's rugby-playing cousins...

[Replies From View]

Does he like animals?  Maybe tell a few zoo anecdotes.

[Neville Chamberlain]

From NZ, you say?!

Say that the bride caused an earthquake in the groom's heart or something like that.

Or something like the marriage will forever be on shaky ground or something.

Straight away, you've got them by the jaffers!

[Replies From View]

Alternatively, set up about eight of these around the place and just leave them running until your legs are tired from standing.

http://www.safervehicles.co.uk/reversing%20alarm%20specification.html

[SetToStun]

Shortly before being tackled to the ground by all the bride's rugby-playing cousins...

By the time they've finished stamping up and down, chanting and gurning your speech will be finished and they'll all have forgotten what they were upset about in the first place.

And don't forget to mention how "sheepish" the groom sometimes feels; about him being a little "wooly" minded; about how the brides family like to "fuck sheep" - they'll never twig that one.

[Neville Chamberlain]

Something about "putting the boot in" (Wellington).

Straight away, you've got them by the jaffers!

[CaledonianGonzo]

* Googles jaffers*

Edit:  Urban Dictionary

A professional gaffe or lapse in judgement

[Dead kate moss]

From NZ eh? *cough* only marrying for the visa *cough* Laffs guaranteed!

How helpful has this thread been so far on a scale of one to ten by the way?

[George Oscar Bluth II]

"It's been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers".

LOLs guaranteed.

[Crabwalk]

My best man's key anecdote was about the time I drunkenly pissed myself in his dad's car at the age of 17. Cheers mate.

One of the most inappropriate speeches I've witnessed included a tale about the groom's violent vomiting the first time he smoked weed. His devoutly Christian parents weren't exactly in hysterics.

CG, if you've a lack of knock-out anecdotes on him, I think focussing on the endearing faults of the groom is usually fertile ground. His family and friends will recognise them and laugh along accordingly, and the bride's family get an insight into the 'real' man. Add a couple of non-scatological embarrassing stories and a sincere wrap-up and, congratulations, you've got a tolerable speech[nb]and hopefully a crack at the bridesmaids[/nb].

[boki]

Shortly before being tackled to the ground by all the bride's rugby-playing cousins...

An ideal opportunity to remind them how much said spectacle resembles a Razzle Romp - it's a win-win that goes on winning!

[ersatz99]

Dig out an old school report ( or make one up). Classic.

[Replies From View]

"It's been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers".

LOLs guaranteed.

Now I've put into your head the possibility of accidentally saying "tatters", I'd advise against it.  Not a big deal, true, but the joke will make no sense.

[Johnny Yesno]

I gave a best man speech at a friend of mine's wedding last year. I believe I got the gig for two reasons: 1) We've been friends for a long time, and 2) I was a safe pair of hands when it came to the groom's younger days.

The disadvantage that I had in comparison to the groom's other friends was that I hadn't known him at school/college, which is often a goldmine of anecdotes about hijinks, bad fashion choices and general stupidity (That said, I did manage to get one usable fashion faux pas story from one of his friends who had been to college with him, and cited my information as being from a disreputable source). My friend also has become incredibly responsible over at least the last fifteen years, including avoiding drinking to excess. So no goldmine there either.

I really struggled to put anything together until I came across this website. Now, it's not necessarily going to fix your problems but this page was the one that finally allowed me to make some headway. The idea of purposely writing a short speech coupled with the idea of not trying to be funny really simplified the problem, and once I'd got the skeleton of a short workmanlike speech together it was far easier to hang jokes off it and embellish it to make it a bit longer. That site has an outline of what to include here.

To summarise:

1) Aim for a 3-5 minute speech - think of your speech getting in the way of people drinking, if this helps with guilt of not putting in enough effort
2) Include some heartfelt bits - even if you're not funny your audience will be on your side
3) Avoid anecdotes that involve other women unless they are of a platonic nature
4) Avoid genuinely embarrassing anyone in the room

I would have liked to have done my speech from memory but I don't have that kind of recall. Instead I printed it in sections onto cards and just read it, making sure I looked up plenty of times around the room and addressing the relevant bits to the bride and groom. Using plenty of cards and a large sans serif font is useful for finding your place again after you've looked up. I also found it helpful when giving my speech to hold in my mind the delivery style of Simon Day's character Tony Beckton performing readings from his autobiography - it helped me to speak more slowly and made me feel less foolish for reading it. I'm sure there are better models of diction and delivery but that character really worked for me.

Best of luck, CG.

[CaledonianGonzo]

Cheers Johnny. 

I've got a workable outline, it's just lacking a certain pizazz at the moment.  Maybe annoying all the Kiwis is the way forward, though I think most of them are coming from Christchurch, so probably 'Too Soon' for quake-based jokesmithery.

If anything, this is an easy one.  I'm dreading the one I'll have to do when my brother marries his significant Swiss Miss - the wedding'll probably be in Zurich and I'll have to do a lot of it in German.

[Neville Chamberlain]

If anything, this is an easy one.  I'm dreading the one I'll have to do when my brother marries his significant Swiss Miss - the wedding'll probably be in Zurich and I'll have to do a lot of it in German.

Believe it or not, I could be of actual genuine use in this case...

[Too Many Cochranes]

Could you have a section in the middle of the speech where you just reel off a list of silly things he's done? So, even though you're complying with typical best man speech you're making it easy on yourself for nerves. You could get a couple of minutes lengthening of the speech this way.

I would do this, but then I get a bit terrified of people in general.

[Smeraldina Rima]

It's been an emotional day, even the cake is upset.

[phantom_power]

Do it in the form of a funny poem. People are surprisingly impressed if you can be funny and get the odd word to rhyme

[Dugald_McCraw]

chuck in a few Michael Jackson jokes!

[Nobody Soup]

Do it in the form of a funny poem. People are surprisingly impressed if you can be funny and get the odd word to rhyme

something like 'one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them'?

in that famous multi-million pound new zealand film the wearers were corrupted and deformed by the ring, and the cast were a lot of grotesque freaks wearing stupid clothes but today is quite different; the budget it quite small.

I know that is exactly the type of thing you didn't want.