Best Man's Speech!

[momatt]

It's been an emotional day, even the cake is upset.

As you say this, make sure to THROW THE CAKE TO THE GROUND!

_{Edit: yeah definitely worth a new page.}

[Replies From View]

something like 'one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them'?

in that famous multi-million pound new zealand film the wearers were corrupted and deformed by the ring, and the cast were a lot of grotesque freaks wearing stupid clothes but today is quite different; the budget it quite small.

I know that is exactly the type of thing you didn't want.

Well, on the same topic, why not get Warwick Davis to interrupt whatever you might have done (saving you the effort of actually bothering to prepare anything) to say a load of cunty things for no reason that ruins everything?

You'd then be able to enlighten everyone in the room as to their own hatred towards dwarves (for why else would they be so angry towards poor Warwick?), and magically improve them all as people and make the day great again.  Best best man ever!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I know the bride's looking at us now and thinking "Arrgh please don't spoil wur big day". And now I've said that the grooms looking at us now going "Arrrgh please please divent spoil wur wedding."
And noo the pissed up Mother Of The Bride's looking at wer going "Arrrggghhhh please please divent spoil their wedding it wuz going reet well up til now", and noo tha eeeven more pissed up Father Of The Bride's looking roond going "Argh nice one meet tootally deflected attention away from us there you're getting a pint off me later", and now you're all looking around at each other going "Arrgggh jesus this is a pretty fooking off the wall speech fer me I'm more of a fan of them ones where yer teek ther piss oot the grooms todgah" well let me tell yerz noo times've changed its the Tories in poowah noo like all the rools goot the foorken windahh THREE CHEEYAZ FER THE TOON

[Buelligan]

Do you come from the Vale of Pewter by any chance Shoulders?

[Nobody Soup]

in this modern internet-centric, jet-set, age cross-cultural marriages are becoming increasingly common, and so today we are witness to the union of two people from different sides of the world, a union of northern hemisphere and southern hemisphere, of shitty-england and shitty-australia.

(I dunn why I'm punishing myself with patriotic self-loathing.)

[Serge]

If you can get the word 'pimholes' in there, I'll give you a pound.

[SetToStun]

Just for shits and giggles, why not see if you can get the words "cooked" and "bombed" in close proximity somewhere near the beginning of the speech? Then go on to see how many posters you can shoehorn in - "Did he Neil when he proposed?", "marriage can be a heavy weight to bear, but he has broad Shoulders", that sort of thing. A million internet points if you can get "biggytitbo" in there somehow.

[mook]

and then set the whole kit and caboodle to the rhythm of the ukulele.

[SetToStun]

Actually, you can can one million and one internet points if you can work the splendidly-named JesusAndYourBush in there without getting punched.

[Replies From View]

Replies From View twice, please.  Once with "replies" as a noun, the other with it as a verb.

[Replies From View]

and then set the whole kit and caboodle to the rhythm of the ukulele.

That's a good point actually.  It does seem to have only one (rhythm).

[Uncle TechTip]

in this modern internet-centric, jet-set, age cross-cultural marriages are becoming increasingly common, and so today we are witness to the union of two people from different sides of the world, a union of northern hemisphere and southern hemisphere, of shitty-england and shitty-australia.

(I dunn why I'm punishing myself with patriotic self-loathing.)

On that basis you should phone it in over Skype. It would be different, for sure.

[Buelligan]

Whatever you do, don't do this;http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhPeRq2tK3A