Unwell Parent Limbo Stuff

[vrailaine]

I had no real clue what to do after college last summer so I figured I'd sign on for a bit, try to find some work that I could conceive of myself doing as a career or some minimum wage thing within an hour walking distance that wasn't my last job. The idea was that I'd move to Dublin or somewhere equally urban when the welfare processed and get a job there, but I wound up getting like 4 times the amount I expected and it pretty much completely demotivated me so I stuck around a bit longer, and a bit longer. I absolutely hate this place and so does everyone else in it, one big melting pot of unhappiness.

Around Christmas I decided I was fed up and I'd go on a bit of a soul searching wander (which I really seriously need) about a few countries between March and returning to education, so I booked some reasonably pricey flights and whatnot to get going. I seem to have somehow became the family leader because everyone else just fights with each other, generally pretty busy doing stuff here and figured it'd be a good idea to get my 20-year-old brother to grips with complicated things, like peeling potatoes and sweeping floors, so that he can do some of the work before I go and it may leave him at least somewhat prepared for uni. He's refused to pay attention so that was pointless.

A bit after I booked, my dad, who has been suffering from a long term illness over the last few years, started getting worrying results in his blood. Not connected with his illness but could be pretty serious. Since then, the doctors have just dragged it on and on, prescribing him medication that's too strong for him to stomach and not giving an alternative upon hearing that he hadn't taken the medication once since the last checkup. So this whole thing is still dragging on now, nothing's getting done and I'm a fortnight away from going.   I've already cancelled one part of the whole thing where I thought he might get this shit sorted out a month ago, but it's been the same thing at the hospital over and over every week while he's been slowly getting worse and worse.

This leaves me with the options of either staying here and continuing to not make any real kind of progress with my life (which is just not going to happen anywhere near the farm) so I can make dinners, stop arguments and wind up waiting for him to die, which could be 30 years away for all I know, or fuck off and be the cunt what killed dad. Pretty sure I'm gonna be unhappy with whichever choice I make.

So, anyone got any prior experience of situations like this? Tell me about how you regretted it forever!

[Small Man Big Horse]

You so have my sympathies, that's a horrible situation for you to be in. I don't know what your relationship is like with your Dad, but could you ask him how he feels about your leaving? Hopefully you'll have his blessing, and that might make things easier?

I had a vaguely similar situation in my early twenties. My Mum suffers from permanent headaches, and has done for twenty two years now since I was fifteen (it's a long and ridiculously frustrating story best left for another time). A few months before I was twenty one she fell in to a major depression, and attempted suicide, and it was a pretty close run thing. She was in and out of the psychiatric ward at our local hospital for a few months after that, and so I put off going to University for a year. The next September I knew I had to go though, staying in my small home town was going to destroy my sanity if I didn't, and there was nothing I could ultimately do to stop her attempting suicide again. Which fortunately she never (properly) did.

So ultimately I'd say go for it, as a life on hold is an agonising one. Especially when there's nothing you can ultimately do to alter the outcome. And if events take a serious turn, presumably you could then return early?

[vrailaine]

My relationship with him is okay, I let a lot of stuff he does slide because he's an idiot (as in five days of formal education in his life, working on the farm full-time from a young age and learning nothing else ...it's a fair reason for me anyways). Definitely don't have his blessing, don't really mind either because it's kinda hard to get, he didn't want any of us to go off to uni and is generally overly concerned about anything outside of a 5 mile radius.

I'm likely doing my master's in the same place I got my bachelor's degree, which I didn't like at all but it's the only place with the course I want available to me. So I really want to do something with the time before going, but, like I said, he's a(n incredibly inefficient) farmer so any time he gets particularly unwell, everyone else has to be ready to pick up the weight so that he can recuperate. He also does things like sneak off and do the work himself anyways so you've to be on guard and basically force him to rest. It's all a huge nuisance and I kinda suspect that when I go my brother still won't do much of anything (he sleeps twelve hours a day and spends thirteen talking about Arsene Wenger), which'll just mean my dad will be doing a lot of the work I'm currently doing [nb]I've done pretty much everything that isn't related to the farm that I can find around the place my whole life basically to avoid becoming overly useful on the farm because I was afraid it'd wind up becoming my career. My older brother done the farm stuff but he's currently finishing up in uni.[/nb]

If it weren't for the farm, I'd absolutely be going, but that thing's such a fucking anchor.
Can absolutely return home if something goes wrong pretty quickly, but the damage'd be done at that point. Obviously I'm kinda fed up with the whole thing at this point, really don't like that about myself either though.

Ugh.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'm afraid you get 80 years of life here if you're lucky. You owe people up to a point but after that you have your own life. You should get the fuck on with it.
Seriously best of luck!

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

I know a guy whose father has been dying (genuinely) for almost the past 20 years. Last Christmas his mother started calling him regularly to get him out of bed on the fears that his dad should be checked into the hospital. Again. Problem is it's not the first time this has happened and we all know the old story of the boy and the wolf. I'd hate for this to sound unsympathetic but anybody with any first-hand experience of the severely close to death knows the moral quandaries involved.

Bottom line is if you want to go do your thing just make sure you treat your final meet before the trip away as a potential last. That way you might reduce any regrets. Accept all possibilities too, they're not dead yet, remember. If you want to stay and help out in any way, be it as a moderator or anything else, do it. Your choice. Certainly don't hang around if resent is the stronger emotion.

That way life's both too short and too long.

[Dusty Gozongas]

Go.

Regret what you have done.

[Small Man Big Horse]

If it weren't for the farm, I'd absolutely be going, but that thing's such a fucking anchor. Can absolutely return home if something goes wrong pretty quickly, but the damage'd be done at that point. Obviously I'm kinda fed up with the whole thing at this point, really don't like that about myself either though.

Ugh.

I don't think you should blame yourself for feeling that way at all, you've been forced to become a parent to your parent, and that's something which is horrible to go through at such a young age (which is exactly what happened to me, and fucked me up for a fair few years afterwards). I know it's somewhat inevitable for some, but you kind of expect it to be when you're in your forties and fiftes, not right at the (relative) beginning of your life.[nb]I appear to be writing as if an eighty year old man on his deathbed, rather than a thirty seven year old with at least five to ten years before my first heart attack. I'm not sure why either.[/nb] It's undoubtedly a bloody messy and horrible situation, but it shouldn't have to land on your shoulders alone. Your two other brothers have made their choices, and so it's equally their responsibility too if he were to decline in health.

[Depressed Beyond Tables]

Regret what you have done.

As poetic as the above can sound sometimes (and as sung by the bassist 'Flea'), it doesn't really explain anything. Doing what you have always done is still 'doing'.

Don't do what you'll regret, more like.

[Dusty Gozongas]

Nah. Do stuff that you feel the call for. Do it rather than regretting not doing it. There's a subtle difference. Family has no right to keep you prisoner.

[rudi]

Have you tried talking to his doctor to get a better handle on what the prognosis may be? It's easy to advise you to go because, dispassionately, it's the right thing to do. Familys tend not to produce dispassionate results, however.

I would suggest, however, that there's always the chance your brother might step up and help were he given the chance/no other option should you leave. Sometimes you have to leave other people to work it out for themselves.

Would you be entirely cut off from your family or will you still be get holdable?

[Nuclear Optimism]

It sounds like you've already done your fair share of work, vrailaine, and deserve to get away. That said, if your dad's unwell it could be tricky.

My granny was one of those people who always seemed to be at death's door, for years on end.  There were so many times when my father had to cancel a holiday at the last minute because she suddenly took ill and he wanted to be there if the worst happened. This happened five years in a row. Eventually it got to the point when he really needed a break, and actually went on holiday at last when my granny seemed to be in good form. She died when he was away.

If you're going to travel (and I think you're perfectly entitled), make sure you don't go completely off the grid. I agree with rudi; make sure they can get in touch with you. And set enough money aside that you can get a quick ticket home if it looks like your dad's on the downward slope.

Of course you also have to consider whether those "find yourself" journeys are really worth it or just a load of aspirational Hollywood tosh. But it seems like it would do you a lot of good. Just be prepared to cut it short if need be.

[NoSleep]

How mobile is your Dad? Is he bedridden? Unable to travel, say, to get to the doctor or the shops? I think those would be good reasons not to go, otherwise trust that he'll be alright fending for himself or in the hands of the rest of the family (perhaps your absence will motivate others like your 20-year-old brother).

[vrailaine]

Would you be entirely cut off from your family or will you still be get holdable?

As contactable as I'd be anywhere really, smartphones and skype and all, like. Fair bit of money saved up so I'd be able to cover a sudden flight back if it was required too.

How mobile is your Dad? Is he bedridden? Unable to travel, say, to get to the doctor or the shops? I think those would be good reasons not to go, otherwise trust that he'll be alright fending for himself or in the hands of the rest of the family (perhaps your absence will motivate others like your 20-year-old brother).

He's pretty mobile and all, in general he's not really hugely worse than normal, the right medication and some slightly less crappy luck would immediately solve most of the current issues.
A large portion of the problem I have is how he overworked himself without really telling anyone, so I've no faith in my younger brother picking up the bits and pieces I'm currently doing and my dad sorta burying himself by taking that on too. Although I do think if I moved out and he accepted the spare bedroom, it could benefit him more than my presence does.
I'm not super useful or anything though, like, no driving license, hopeless on the farm, they'd be more than able to cope without me if they wanted to, I think. Was gone for three years to uni, like.

Of course you also have to consider whether those "find yourself" journeys are really worth it or just a load of aspirational Hollywood tosh. But it seems like it would do you a lot of good. Just be prepared to cut it short if need be.

Yeah, it's not really even that, I know that I need to get out of my standard routines so I wanna throw myself into a situation where I've no choice but to change them and try new things and so on.


Anyways, was at the doctors today and it looks like this thing is gonna drag out without much changing until at least mid April unless he has a notable decline, switched to a more realistic sounding prescription too ...so I reckon I'll head off for the time being.

Thanks guys for the responses, had no real clue who to talk to because my family seem to know all my closer friends by one way or another.