Desopotamia 8: Lament for Enkidu

[Mr Eggs]

Counting down the heavy metals on the Periodic Table to see what your wife is putting in the dinner for the kids this week.

[Mr Eggs]

Microsoft Toilet Golf on PC

You have the power of movement. Has this old bastard? The elderly on wheeled commodes, lets see if he's got one in him.

[BlodwynPig]

Going out with someone who insists on calling your cock a 'winky' during sex talk.

Wee Willy?

[BlodwynPig]

Masturbating about that American bloke who lived in an iron lung for 72 years.
Imagine masturbating about that.

Real life deso.

The other day a doddery old lady decked out in 80s aerobics-wear was trying to get my attention on the bus. She was commenting on this story (Metro).

I couldn't hear her that well over the loud bus and didn't want to speak. She was so distraught. I kept hearing snippets "the poor man, all those years... waddayacallit... polio...since a bairn... iron lung... at least he's at peace now"

[BlodwynPig]

Kate Middleton makes a triumphant return to the spotlight after months in agonising confinement.

No solitary fuck is given and shortly thereafter she is killed by an rabid baboon on a trip to Diana's Angolan Landmine Awareness Centre

[shoulders]

Masturbating about that American bloke who lived in an iron lung for 72 years.
Imagine masturbating about that.

I laughed

[Fambo Number Mive]

Each fortnight you dress up your wheelie bin as a different  celebrity before putting it out to be collected, leading to derision on the local Facebook group. It costs you hundreds of pounds each year in wigs, clothes etc for the bin. The council have sent you letters telling you your wheelie bin looks unacceptably shit.

Looking forward to the next curry with Murray. Will you have the courage to give him one of the pictures you drew of him this time? Probably best not to tell him you have a Micky Pearce cuddle pillow in your bed.

[Vodkafone]

A depressed badger culls itself

[KaraokeDragon]

A vindictive badger baits his own father into culling himself

[the midnight watch baboon]

A John Terry Cameo

[PlanktonSideburns]

Your dad's cremation again, half the crowd this time, vicar leans in, whispers

Don't worry, he will DEFINATLEY go up this time, I've filled him with turps

[dex]

Microsoft Toilet Golf on PC

You have the power of movement. Has this old bastard? The elderly on wheeled commodes, lets see if he's got one in him.

Ha!

[Vodkafone]

Les Dennis leans in close and whispers in your ear, "You're one of us now".

[touchingcloth]

Christopher takes to extreme snowsports and adopts the moniker of Chris Off-Piste, but a linguistic mixup sees the Swiss Daily Herald print their front page image of him with the headline PISS CHRIST, and it is quite simply ubiquitous in the conference rooms and foyers of the World Economic Forum.

[Vodkafone]

A John Terry Cameo

John Terry joins Cameo on bass.

[PlanktonSideburns]

As the small group at the crematorium fire point in the carpark disperse, the vicar grabs you by the arm, turning you round as you go

Look i had no idea there was a sprinkler system in there, i can make this right, as soon as all this blows over we can book another one, - it may take a while, but I've got a chest freezer at home, and - look - I can see this is a bad time - ill call you tommorow

[Cuellar]

Laughed out of the cuckold discord server you yourself created

[pancreas]

Your face is posthumously criminalised after it ruins a Michael McIntyre sketch for which you had been selected to die as a humorous aside.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Mixing up your cock ring and one of the wedding rings outside the registry office.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Ringing your son to tell him he's still a disappointment.

[shoulders]

A deepfake of you calling Hamas "the dog's bollocks" is circulated so widely and so quickly that you can barely react to the Mossad agent pushing a combat knife up your life.

[Vodkafone]

Laughed out of the cuckold discord server you yourself created

Excellent

[Vodkafone]

You fail the Passive aggressive emails about the workplace kitchen module of your facilities management course

[PlanktonSideburns]

Your future wife, completely dizzolved by a Temu bathbomb

[Bum Flaps]

Your bold attempt to break the ice is met with a chorus of frowns, and a half-whispered 'oh please Ian, not again!' from your Mum.

[shoulders]

Expecting your dog, who is an entirely different species, remember, to adopt the grindset.

[Vodkafone]

On visiting the small Welsh village your grandfather lived all his life in, you discover that he was universally known as Jones the Frot.

[BlodwynPig]

On visiting the small Welsh village your grandfather lived all his life in, you discover that he was universally known as Jones the Frot.

Fucking hell. Brilliant

[Cleveland Steamer]

Blade 2 themed bris.

[Vodkafone]

Your proposal to the local council to me make the area the "molestation capital of the UK" is very favourably received.