Out of the mouths of babes....

[Cerys]

We've all been there.  You're about three, and your parents have got visitors.  Maybe you've just moved in to a new home, and the neighbours have descended on you.  Maybe the local rector has popped around to meet you.  What he probably doesn't expect is to be introduced to the kids, only to get the response, 'hello Mr Lloyd ... mummy, daddy, can I have my gin now, please?'   Any more than the bloke who lives next-door-but-one expects to have a three-year old sidle up to him and shyly inquire, 'Uncle Clive, have you got a dicky?'

So okay, maybe I'm the only one who's been there - but what little gems of parental embarrassment did you come out with when you were a kid...?

[Ramses VIII]

I once had a shit and wrapped it up in toilet paper, put it in my mums hanbag and went downstairs and told her I`d put a present in her bag.
I don`t know why I did it. it seemed to make sense at the time.
She was unhappy.

[Timmay]

I once substituted the word erratic for erotic, when I was about 10 without realising it when talking to my mum. See, I started from an early age. Was buying Hustler from 12.

Oh, I also wrote the word "shit" in big red crayon letters on a piece of paper, and proudly handed it to my mum for a laugh. I was about 8 when I did that I believe.

Then during a lesson on Christ at primary school, I described Jesus as idle. I meant to put an idol.

[Frinky]

I was an exceptionally clever child, till I discovered being stupid, much to my mum's chagrin.

Once on a tube train, I was reading a poster...

"Mum, what's a condom?"
*Silence*
"Erm, it's what you put on the table, for salt and pepper."
"No, that's condiments, what's a condom?"
"I'll tell you later."

In primary school I drew two dinosaurs shagging, becuase I thought it looked quite cool (I was working from a picture I'd seen), and frankly, I didn't see anything wrong with it.

I probably wasn't supposed to present it to the Mayor of Watford, though.

[Joy Nktonga]

On holiday with the folks and my 2 younger siblings, in a camp-site bar, I asked loudly why one of the older kids had told me to "fuck off" earlier, knowing full well what it meant. Just to see their reaction and see how they'd explain it.

[butnut]

I was quite a naughty child - and was helped in this by my 2 brothers who are 8 and 9 years older than me. They found it very amusing to teach me 'big boy's words' when I was about 5, and watch me get into trouble at school for using them and teaching tem to all the other children.

When I was about 7 I was reading about the tallest man ever - that American who was about 8'11".  It said how he had the biggest feet, biggest hands etc. ever. So I, actually quite innocently, asked my mum in a car when my Gran was there: "Did he have the biggest willy ever?". It took me years to work out why my mum got so flustered and kept saying what a rude thing it was to say. I'd still like to know the answer to my question...

And you can still make out, on the walls of my parents house, where I scrawled with a stone, in an atheistic rage aged about 6, the words: "no god" and "love me poo" - a humourous reworking of the Beetles song.

[Regular John]

One of the older kids that lived on the road I grew up on was having a verbal slanging match with one of his mates and called him a "fucking cunt", so quite rightly I cycled back to my house, knocked on the front room window and when my father popped his head out of the window I asked him exactly what a "cunt" was... he wasn't too impressed but his workmates that were round ours at the time had a good laugh at it!

I never did find out

[chand]

Then during a lesson on Christ at primary school, I described Jesus as idle. I meant to put an idol.

It's a fair comment though, his work recently has been rather sparse.

[gazzyk1ns]

Hehe I can't match any of these, I can remember asking my mum what "rape" meant (we were watching the news so there was no chance of her giving me the "crop" definition...), but nobody like the Queen or Prime Minister was there to add to her embarrassment, luckily for her.

[Dr David V]

Once I almost wrote that God was impotent. I dread to think what my GCSE would have been if I didn't correct it.

[Hoogstraten'sSmilingUlcer]

When I was about 5 or 6, I was in a queue in a bank with my mum, and the guy directly in front of us was absolutely huge, so I turned to my mum and said, 'Mum, why is that man so fat?' I can't remember if the man turned round, I don't think he did, but I do recall exiting the shop and my mum warning, 'You were lucky he didn't turn round and smack you,' which put the fear of God into about overweight men.

When I was at primary school, a friend and me picked up a slug from the playground and dropped in a classmates' bag, which at the time, we found incredibly amusing. Now, I feel quite guilty that the boy must have opened his bag and found slug-trails all over his stuff.

I seem to remember at prep school, when we went to the Christmas service in the  chapel (don't worry, our school didn't have its own chapel, but used a local one), as we all walked in pairs through the anti-chapel, we dared each other to sneakily swear at a statue of one of the apostles (I forget which one). I remember flashing a finger at it and the friend I was with giggling uncontrollably.
Similarly, when we sung the hymns, we swore at Christ from behind our hymn books. Happy days.

[Lt Plonker]

My Uncle once dated a black lady who had two girls. She was saying that her eldest kid was going to play Snow White, to which I replied that she couldn't "because she was brown". Slack-jaws all round.

Also, my great grandmother (who's still knocking around at the ripe old age of 90!), once had this conversation with me:

Her: "This time next year, you'll be 6 years old!"

Me: "Yeah, and this time next year, you'll be dead."

I was a little git.

[JJJJH]

My Uncle once dated a black lady who had two girls. She was saying that her eldest kid was going to play Snow White, to which I replied that she couldn't "because she was brown". Slack-jaws all round.

You've neglected to tell us whether that was last month or in your childhood though. ;)

I was around at my Gran's when I was about 6 or something, and I was helping her fold a load of washed clothing, when I asked her why had a moustache. I feel terrible about it now, because she's the best Gran ever. If only she wasn't so darn nice.

[Crazy Penis]

When I shat in my nappy my mum used to say that I had done a dirty in my nappy and when that happened I was to tell mummy and she would change me. Being that young  "done a dirty" changed to "done done dirty" and I don't think it clicked with me that my mum couldn't just change me right in the middle of town, so I just used to repeat it constantly until we got home.

When I had grown up a bit my evil step mother was commenting on a holiday journey that she wouldn't be going in the sea. When I asked why not she said that she might drown. I said I would save her but she said that I wouldn't be able to because I hadn't ever learnt to swim properly. So I said "well I would swim along with one foot on the bottom wouldn't I?". My well masked intent was to convince her that she would be perfectly safe with me around whereas I really wanted her to drown so my mum and dad would get back together. We hated each other equally.

[Utter Shit]

I once substituted the word erratic for erotic, when I was about 10 without realising it when talking to my mum. See, I started from an early age. Was buying Hustler from 12.

That reminds me, I got into trouble at school once when we were talking about religions around the Worlds, and I proudly told my teacher (I was perhaps 8 or 9 at the time) that there were two types of Christian - Catholic and Prostitute.

True story. I was a silly muffin. I've never forgotten the shocked look on my teacher's face - she swiftly corrected me and ignored the possibility of having a pop at me, it was only a few years later that I realised why she had that look on her face.

[mr rou-rou]

I once picked up a used condom I'd found on the street and brought it into the house and blew it up in front of my mum and some of her friends.

I've also sleepwalked past guests and opened the fridge door and pissed in the vegetable compartment.

my childhood is a blank, only coloured by stories I've been told, I reckon I used to be a child assassin and they wiped my mind.

My mates young inquisitive and confident son was stood with his dad in a long supermarket queue when he spotted a Sikh gent wearing a turban and loudly asked 'Daddy, is that man a magician?'

made me laugh.

[Marcus Or Relius]

When I was 9 I told a mate I had a crush on a girl at school. When we went round to my house once, he was mocking me, saying that I wanted to kiss her and have sex with her and stuff. I didn't deny this, much to mate's annoyance, who then decided on a different tactic of piss-takery, saying that I would probably get this girl pregnant and we would have kids whilst we were still at school ourselves. We didn't know how babies were made exactly, just that it involving putting willies up women's fannys and yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, as we wandered down the hallway of my house, I was denying that I would get the pig-tailed target of my pre-teen crush pregnant, because although I would like to "do it" with her, we would not have kids, because to avoid pregnancy I would "do her up the bum." It is worth pointing out that at this point in the anecdote, your humble narrator, mini-Marcus, had wandered into the living room.

Despite the additional cars outside the house, I had forgotten that not only was my mum in, she also had some friends over for what can only be described as a Mum Convention (with refreshments), and I was faced with Mother Or Relius and three of her friends, all sitting down with cups of tea and with expressions on their faces that can only be described as being expressions thirty-something women have when a 9-year-old boy wanders into the room shouting to his mate "...I would do her up the bum."

I smiled and said something that, very conveniently, rhymed with my previous sentence.

"Hi mum."

It was never mentioned, ever. Ever.

[butnut]

That's a brilliant tale, Marcus!

[gazzyk1ns]

Hehe oh dear, that's triggered a memory... sorry about the slight tone-lowering but it's true and on-topic...

Once me and a couple of neighbour-kids (you know what I mean, you were forced to hang about together sometimes just for the sake of it) were playing a really silly game where you'd have to write down the names of 5 girls you fancied and then write down what you'd  like to do to them (we were only young so it wasn't THAT graphic, like, "sex", "finger", "grope" or whatever)... and then one of these neighbour kids had some kind of scoring system which he claimed would work out who you'd end up going out with. Don't knock it too much, it's only as implausible as numerology! Anyway, we finished playing the game and the other kids went home. Later on, I was in the kitchen on my own when my mum and a friend came in from their cup of coffee in the living room. I just sat there minding my own business when I heard my mum say something like "<tut>Gareth, don't keep leaving rubbish lying around, what's this piece of paper on the floor?". You can imagine my panic, as I knew what it probably was. I turned round to see her glancing at the writing, making a strange face, and then screwing it up and putting it in the bin. It was OK though, I just blamed it on one of those other kids - the odds are it was one of their bits of paper anyway.

[Marcus Or Relius]

sorry about the slight tone-lowering

If anything, that's raised the tone! :)

Vaguely similarly, me and a mate were drawing daft and rude pics in Maths class when we were 12. My fellow emotionally disturbed delinquent did a picture of a guy with his cock in a guillotine and a speech bubble read "Don't cut off my cock, I like playing with it" whilst on the same piece of paper I had drawn a bare naked lady with a really long winding tongue than ran from her mouth to her fanny, with the words "Lick lick" helpfully scribbled nearby (or something like that, my memory is not perfect).

The teacher was walking past and saw it. She took it, stared at it, tutted and threw it in the bin. Then she carried on blabbering about sums. Phew.

[Lady Beany]

Sat round the dinner table, me (then 11yrs old), my Dad, my step-mum and my then 9 year old sister.  The news was on and to this day I still do not know what prompted the words 'Whats a virgin?' to come out of my sister's mouth.

Deadly silence.  Sharp intake of breath from me.  My Dad suddenly looks interested in the cricket results, and my Step-Mum just buries her face in her food.

Bless my sister though, she immediately guessed it was something you just DON'T ask at the dinner table, and it was never mentioned again.

[MarmiteCarpenter]

hehe I must have asked my mum what a virgin was at least four or five times. Each time the answer was different, but my mum always gave the answer in a dissapointingly calm manner.

I never said much rude stuff as a kid, but I was quite a good artist, and wrote all kinds of stuff all over the desks. When we had new science blocks built, with little raised platforms in the midle of each desk for sinks, I entered a new era of desk-based art. One creation involved a question about a particular female teacher's sexual attractiveness, with a massive grid underneath for other's comments. Within only a few weeks the rate-o-matic grid had filled up and was spilling onto other parts of the desk, although by the end of the term it had all been srubbed off, taking half the desk with it.

I had quiet a few long-winded conversations with unknown pupils via desk graffiti, I wonder what they're all doing now.

[Big Jack McBastard]

I once picked up a used condom I'd found on the street and brought it into the house and blew it up in front of my mum and some of her friends.

Hahaha, so that explains the sores then eh?

Still thats pretty grim.

My mates young inquisitive and confident son was stood with his dad in a long supermarket queue when he spotted a Sikh gent wearing a turban and loudly asked 'Daddy, is that man a magician?'

made me laugh.

Me too <chortles>

I remember oh it's so bad, I remember when I was about 8 or something going to the toilet and seeing a tampon, not fully flushed away still in the bowl, never having encountered one before my reaction was apt. I can only imagine the faces of my folks when the rather unpleasant question "Who's been bleeding in the toilet?!" was hollered down the stairs at them.

I didn't get a reply, probably for the best.

[Vermschneid Mehearties]

"Mum, what's an orgy?"

I was 9, and the translation of Asterix was most misleading.

[gazzyk1ns]

Heh, a kid in school kept saying "mass orgy" for a while, clearly he'd heard it in a film... the thing is, not knowing the word "orgy", and never hearing it on its own, but having worked out the rough definition from people's comments... I thought the word was "massaugie", some kind of french love-term, for a while.

[Lady Beany]

Thi isn't strictly about saying stuff as a kid, more not understandig what something meant.  I may have mentioned it before.

At Junior School (aged around 10), I used to sit at a table with my best mate, Claire, and across from us sat Ian and Joe.  Now, we all just got on.  But, for some reason, every so often, Ian and Joe would lift up their side of the table and just giggle incessantly.  Clair and I would laugh along, but not know what exactly we were laughing at.

Eventually they would start saying (whilst lifting up their side of the table) 'Huh, huh huh, I have a hard on.'  They did this ALL the time.  Claire and I would laugh at it, but the sideways glances to each other would only confirm that we didn't have a fucking clue what they were going on about.  We never talked about it between us, we just resigned to the fact that 'hard ons' were meant to be entertaining.

They are now.

[foetalgod]

i must be a bad parent as when i was in a subversive mood i called the milk my toddler has in the morning and evening 'baby gin'. over time this has been shortened to gin. my 2 1/2 old will now wake up demanding 'gin' and will demand 'gin' before she goes to bed.

to continue this child deprevation one of my friends kids demands 'prozac' as they have a toy bunny that always calmed him down when he was a pain and again the name stuck.

one the child hood stories, my brother, in the middle of airplane 2 at the cinema when he was about 6 or 7 shouted at the top of his voice 'cor, shes got big boobies' when the big breasted lady first appeared.

[phoresy]

When I was about 11 I was on a day out with the family. I'd been ready this book called Toady at the time and it came to a point where the word 'ejaculated' cropped up, so I innocently enough asked my Mum what it meant. I can still remember the silence and looks I got off my parents and granparents.
This coming not long after I asked my Mum what a fucker was, after I'd been watching 'Critters'.

[Almost Yearly]

foetalgod - liked the Gin and Prozac :-)



(On the bus...)

AY: "Mum, see those cows in the field? Well that one's a bull. D'you know how I can tell?"

(Passengers all look out the window and see the bull's cock hanging down low and hefty)

Mum: "Erm..."

AY: "It's got a white face."



My uncle's new girlfriend sat nervously down at the Yearly Christmas dinner table. She'd been grinning all the way through the preliminary rounds of sherry, to cover her social discomfort. She had big, gummy teeth. So I thoughtfully called her "Teeth" throughout the entire meal, despite being sent outside, twice, to think about what I'd done. I only remembered this in later years when Victor Lewis-Smith started on Esther Rantzen.



(Walking through Marks & Sparks...)

AY: "Mum - is this Marks & Spencers?"

Mum (proud): "Why yes dear, it is, well done -"

AY: "WOOOOOOOLWOOORRRTTHHHHSSSS!!!!!!!!"

Spookily, this last one turned up the other week in the script of some TV tosh or other - I think it was My Family. Someone said, "I bet you were the kind of kid who shouted Woolworths in Marks & Spencer," or similar. Not funny is it, but it fair spun me out. It's so specific. It had me racking my brains to work out how this could have got from my personal memory banks onto telly. Perhaps I've been telling stories on here too long . Or perhaps I dozed off and inserted the line from my subconscious. My Family scripts are currently unavailable on the web.

[Gazeuse]

My Dad took me into the bank once to get some cash out. I was two or three and in those days, they used to have a gent who would stand in the corner help people out with transactions if the needed it (Oh, how times have changed!!!).

The old gent at my Dad's bank had a huge mole on the side of his face, so I pointed at him and said, "Dad, why has that man got a big lump on his face???"

After we left the bank, my Dad gently and carefully explained to me why it was rude to say such things in front of people (How he managed not to throttle me, I don't know).

On the next visit to the bank, I saw the old gent again and said to my Dad in the sort of very loud and very audible whisper that only small children can do, "Dad, I won't say anything about that man's lump on his face."