Tiny tips for life no-one is ever likely to tell you

[Necrophagism]

Use a ball mouse.

[HappyTree]

Whilst waiting in the supermarket checkout queue take out your wallet/purse in anticipation of being asked to pay for your goods.

[Ginyard]

If you bang into a car owned by a Brit in their late 30s/early 40s, play them this video on your phone:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF0gtj7nLMo

They will weep and it will all end well.

[Mary is not amused]

Don't piss on the lavatory floor.  It seems a significant proportion of men have not been told this.


_{I blame their small cocks.
EDIT: I mean their tiny tips.  Tch!}

[Don_Preston]

"Use a mouse, Ball" - Tommy Cannon's famous last words.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Wait

Did you buy your first ball of mozzarella numb-handed with your eyes closed?

Buy? I just get things handed to me.

[buttgammon]

On a hot day, eat feta ASAP or the sweaty stuff will turn into a horrible sticky goo that looks like semen and ruins your appetite for eternity.

[Don_Preston]

If you don't read the beginning of the thread title to the tune of Tiny Tears by Tinderstick, you won't ruin the poignancy of the song. And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

[MuteBanana]

Be both

Thats Weekender on the right,by the way.

I used to work with that cunt.

[Hangthebuggers]

Man up and go to the fucking dentist. Otherwise you may spend three days in the throat and mouth ward having a bit of your jaw bone sawed off whilst trying to hide the noise of the dead and dying under the same twenty songs[nb]and trust me you'll never wanna listen to those tracks ever again lest you be reminded of the man with an open throat or the old guy who was dying.[/nb] on your mp3 player, whilst fucked on very strong painkillers.

[thenoise]

turn the computer off and go to bed

[tookish]

You are not and will never be 'really good friends' with your ex. In fact, you were probably nothing close to good friends for the last eighteen months of your relationship.

[mook]

use a teaspoon to peel fresh ginger. a TEASPOON.

[Chutney]

A dessert spoon of vinegar actually does cure hiccups.

The hose on petrol pumps is long enough to reach the far side of your car, you dozy twat.

[SetToStun]

Never trust a man with a small arse.

I have a surprisingly compact and pert bottom and I am completely trustworthy in almost all circumstances. Buns of steel, my friend - buns of steel. Therefore you are comprehensively wrong and I accordingly deem all your advice to be of shoddy origin and poor quality. In essence, my tiny tip is: don't listen to biggy.

In the spirit of positive tipping, however: if you eat meat, abandon the supermarket and find a good butcher. It's always worth the effort and you will love yourself forever.

[Buelligan]

Change your pants occasionally.

[biggytitbo]

I have a surprisingly compact and pert bottom and I am completely trustworthy in almost all circumstances. Buns of steel, my friend - buns of steel. Therefore you are comprehensively wrong and I accordingly deem all your advice to be of shoddy origin and poor quality. In essence, my tiny tip is: don't listen to biggy.

Can you cup each buttock comfortably in the palm of your hand? Besides, you might be lying about having a small arse, which is typical behaviour from shifty small arsed men. We're going to need pictures to establish the truth here!

[Smeraldina Rima]

A dessert spoon of vinegar actually does cure hiccups.

My finger in the bottom days are over. Just as soon as I get round to buying vinegar. I've got some more pressing items on the shopping list this week.
Hic.

[holyzombiejesus]

Sleep on your back,
put ash in your shoes
and always use the old sense of the words.

[rudi]

You are not and will never be 'really good friends' with your ex. In fact, you were probably nothing close to good friends for the last eighteen months of your relationship.

That's not true.

[Neville Chamberlain]

I have a surprisingly compact and pert bottom and I am completely trustworthy in almost all circumstances. Buns of steel, my friend - buns of steel. Therefore you are comprehensively wrong and I accordingly deem all your advice to be of shoddy origin and poor quality. In essence, my tiny tip is: don't listen to biggy.

Indeed - he even talks arse about arses!


^{(It won't come as any surprise to you, SetToStun, that I too have a tremendously pert and compact bottom, one that is the envy of my neighbourhood and makes Kylie Minogue's look like Eric Pickles's.)}

[Cerys]

Never sellotape your eyebrows to the bumper of a moving car.

[Jemble Fred]

Never invite an exploding rapist to a glass baby's christening.

[Cerys]

Now he tells us....

[biggytitbo]

Indeed - he even talks arse about arses!

^{(It won't come as any surprise to you, SetToStun, that I too have a tremendously pert and compact bottom, one that is the envy of my neighbourhood and makes Kylie Minogue's look like Eric Pickles's.)}

We really need some pictures here fellas.

[biggytitbo]

Don't piss on your own doorstep. Use the toilet instead.

[mook]

Don't piss on your own doorstep. Use the toilet instead.

you'll get something right one day titbo. it's "never shit on your own doorstep." you can piss pretty much where you like, it's sterile-ish, that doesn't you should de-glaze a saucepan with a stream of urine or use it to swill the dust away from the elements of a two bar electric fire, but you can if you want and it probably wouldn't kill you. you can even piss on courtney cox's leg to ease the painful sting of a jellyfish - i saw that one on the telly, if you'd have shat on her leg she have died from badness and we'd never have had cougar town. that's something to think about.

[Buelligan]

And, furthermore, if you do feel overwhelmed with the urge to shit on your own doorstep[nb]Which, I suspect you might, bigster.[/nb], arrange to do it in as an homage to Strangers on a Train.  You're almost certain to get away with it scott free!

[George Oscar Bluth II]

If someone displeases you, the best revenge is pissing or shitting through their letterbox.

[Buelligan]

Though, a word of caution here, this very much depends on where said letterbox is situated.