Eurovision Song Contest 2022 - Russines eunt domus

[Captain Z]

The 66th Eurovision Song Contest is taking place in Turin on May 14th.

The UK is being represented this year by "Sam Ryder", who is famous on something called *checks notes* "Tick Tock".

The verses are quite weak but I dunno, the chorus sounds like something that might have done okay-ish in the last few years? Which, in the topsy turvy world of Eurovision, almost certainly spells last place. I may well have said exactly the same about last year's entry. Also, ignoring the fluff at the start and end of the video, the song here is still well over the strict 3-minute limit, so is not quite the version we will hear on the night.

Other entries are being drip-fed onto the Eurovision Youtube Channel. Notables so far are The Rasmus representing Finland (yeah, yeah, play 'In The Shadows'!), and a 'mysterious' duo representing Norway, rumoured to be Ylvis (...who?), off of 2013's viral Youtube hit (d'you remember those?) 'What Does The Fox Say'.

In short - put all your money on the final scoreboard being bookended by countries starting with the letters 'Uk'.

[Natnar]

Is there any point in having Eurovision this year? Ukraine are going to win however good their song is.

[Jollity]

I mean, obviously it's early days yet, and we don't know all the entries, but the fans seem to be putting the UK entry around the middle of their rankings, so it could be worse. Indeed, I saw one ranking put it third (they put Poland first, and Poland's entry sounds a lot like the 2019 winner to me, but I suppose it worked for Duncan Lawrence). Anyway, I think it's quite good, although I had hoped we might send something like "Wellerman" (which was number one in multiple EBU countries, and Germany's best selling single of 2021) or something in Cornish or Welsh (the French entry is in Breton this year, and it's good). Still, there's always next year.

Also: the Ukrainian song is good and probably would have done well anyway, but judging by the fan rankings I've seen, there's no guarantee they'll win. Indeed, if this war is still going in May, they might not be able to attend (all the band are men between the ages of eighteen and sixty, and that might mean they'll be told to stay behind and fight). Also, Bosnia & Herzegovina made their Eurovision debut in 1993 - the band had a story about having to dodge gunfire on their way to the airport, and they got a standing ovation after they performed. They came sixteenth. Ireland won, second time in a row. Obviously there are powers other than the sympathy vote.

[Captain Z]

Obviously there are powers other than the sympathy vote.

Yes, and I'd forgotten that we've kind of been here before after Russia "annexed" Crimea in early 2014. At Eurovision that year, Ukraine and Russia finished 6th and 7th respectively.

[Wonderful Butternut]

Outside of a Ukraine walk-over, my money's on Latvia. Gimmicky, annoying and catchy:

Ireland's entry looks competent and more in line with current Eurovision trends, but I still bet we'll be nowhere:

[sevendaughters]

is it wrong that the first person I sought out when the tanks went into Ukraine was the singer of Go_A?

[Captain Z]

is it wrong that the first person I sought out when the tanks went into Ukraine was the singer of Go_A?

As long as you don't mean you were driving one.

[Famous Mortimer]

Electric Callboy (nee Eskimo Callboy) lobbied hard to be Germany's entry, but it wasn't to be. They'd have been great.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

Ireland's entry looks competent and more in line with current Eurovision trends, but I still bet we'll be nowhere:

Chosen by a combo of panel and public vote on The Late Late Show a few weeks back.

All this talk about boxing being taken out of the Olympics must've made the government panic. "Oh shit there's only one other thing we were ever any good at, let's let the public choose our Eurovision song again".

[The Mollusk]

That Ireland song is absolute shite. UK entry not much better either, why do we keep thinking this sort of TK Maxx-core dribble is going to get us anywhere?? We are pathetic, we deserve to suffer.

We need to get Gruff Rhys up there, at least the song would be good even if we did get roasted again.

[Pauline Walnuts]

Is it still Alina Pash for Ukraine? I know she had some problems when she went to The Crimea when she shouldn't or something?

I thought she was great when I went on one of those Youtube rabbit holes a couple of years ago, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFFCbN49jG0

[The Mollusk]

Nah it's these mad lads now

Banger IMHO

[imitationleather]

We need to get Gruff Rhys Kero Kero Bonito up there

[flotemysost]

I debated starting a thread but I've been pretty let down by this year's entries so far - the slow-to-sassy ratio is skewed pretty unfavourably, imho. Can definitely see the influence from having a "rocky" winner last year too, but none of the rock ones are doing it for me either, even that one that sounds a bit like Gary Glitter.

UK entry is plodding shite, but that's standard. And I reckon Italy thought they were onto a winner by sending Mahmood again - Soldi in 2019 was a banger, but this year's song Brividi is an utter snoozefest.

Currently Fulenn by Alvan & Ahez (France) is giving me the old-school, endearingly-cheap-sounding Eurovision vibes I'm craving. Chorus to SloMo by Chanel (Spain) is infuriatingly catchy if pretty derivative. Out of the slowies, I quite like Portugal's saudade, saudade. And yep Ukraine's entry is great - although last year's Shum by Go_A remains one of my fave Eurovision tracks EVER.

Whatevs, nothing will top the priceless moment last year when they zoomed in on Flo Rida's face and he clearly had no fucking clue what country he was in, or that they were doing abysmally in the voting, only that he would be flying home with half of San Merino's GDP in his pocket regardless. (I actually didn't mind the song)

[Captain Z]

Oh that French track is very cool, right up my street. And that Spanish entry... I like the, er, "staging". Is it hot in here?

[Famous Mortimer]

That Spanish entry has an air of the Minaj about her. Not bad.

The USA is launching its own state-vs-state song contest in a few days, hosted by Snoop Dogg and Kelly Clarkson. As much fun as endless adverts, boring talking heads and no good songs will be, I shall have to pass.

[daf]

Previously on Cook'd and Bomb'd . . .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Eurovision 2021
2020 [cancelled]
EUROVISION 2019!
Eurovision Thread 2018.
EUROVISION 2017
Eurovision 2016
EUROVISION 2015
Eurovision 2014
Eurovision 2013
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Jollity]

Eurovision betting odds are out, and while Ukraine is indeed first in the odds, who do you suppose is second?

Spoiler alert

Imagine if we came second! Party like it's 1998!

[close]

[Captain Z]

I could see the UK coming second.

Second-last, that is!

[Jollity]

I'm personally going to guess "top fifteen, but not top ten" for the UK this year - though I have absolutely no clairvoyant powers whatsoever, and certainly wouldn't put any actual money on that. Still, for it to be doing that well in the betting odds suggests either that a lot of people do indeed like it, or that someone is cheating the betting odds to make nerds like me think a lot of people like it (the gossip is that Malta was doing the latter last year, since it was first in the betting odds for a bit, but that song came seventh so it certainly could have been worse). Anyway, I think he'll get some points.

Also, the Swiss entry is an NFT, which would have put me off if I hadn't already been kind of put off by how boring it is. There's a lot of ballads about heartbreak this year, but I think the Swiss one might be my least favourite of them.

[greencalx]

Ukraine presumably will win, but I guess would be unable to host in 2023... what happens then?

[Pseudopath]

Ukraine presumably will win, but I guess would be unable to host in 2023... what happens then?

They ask one of the other members to host it on their behalf. It's usually been the UK who've stepped in: https://wiwibloggs.com/2016/08/26/no-thanks-6-times-eurovision-winners-chose-not-to-host/149147/

[flotemysost]

Eurovision betting odds are out, and while Ukraine is indeed first in the odds, who do you suppose is second?

According to my hardcore Gay-Christmas-celebrating pals, Sweden and Spain had been the faves after Ukraine. I think Italy'll do OK as everyone loves Mahmood, but the song itself is too much of a "time to start queueing for the bogs" number (imo) to do really well I reckon, plus what are the chances of Italy hosting two years in a row?

I can see UK being top 5 - second seems a nutty prospect, but WHO KNOWS. I mean I'm just speculating really based on my own favoritism, which leaves pretty slim pickings out of this year's entries. Still well excited for next week though.

2020 [cancelled]

You're right re: the competition itself, though there was still a broadcast with the entries originally planned for that year's event (some of which have had proved to have better staying power re: fan popularity than many entries from "normal" years - most famously Daði Freyr's Think About Things).

Weirdly the show only played a snippet of each track though, bookended with stuff like Måns Zelmerlöw doing a rather po-faced acoustic version of Heroes (as in his 2015 entry, not the Bowie song). Guess they didn't want to seem too jubilant given it was at the height of covid ravaging Europe, but it just came across a bit flaccid and half-hearted.

[Cuellar]

I think Boris trottng around Kyiv has done our chances the world of good.

[greencalx]

They ask one of the other members to host it on their behalf. It's usually been the UK who've stepped in: https://wiwibloggs.com/2016/08/26/no-thanks-6-times-eurovision-winners-chose-not-to-host/149147/

Thanks, interesting.

[Mr_Simnock]

so the UK has hosted this 8 times, more than any other country, hat fucked

[Billy]

Weirdly the show only played a snippet of each track though, bookended with stuff like Måns Zelmerlöw doing a rather po-faced acoustic version of Heroes (as in his 2015 entry, not the Bowie song). Guess they didn't want to seem too jubilant given it was at the height of covid ravaging Europe, but it just came across a bit flaccid and half-hearted.

Have a feeling this was insurance related, if they'd have just played all the songs in full then it would have counted as a contest so they wouldn't have got the dosh back for a "cancelled" year, so they had to do that odd compromise where they only played bits of them amongst long sections of misery. The UK-made special beforehand was received a lot better.

I'll be in Turin itself for this having missed Rotterdam last time as various rules seen to make it as hard as possible to attend, joining the 2016-19 contests as ones I've seen live. Prices for both accommodation and the tickets are ludicrous in a way they never used to be, flights not too bad though I did book them ages ago when no one was buying flights so £20 each is a nice steal. Hoping the UK do win so I can save on all these prices next year...

[greencalx]

Yeah the 2020 one was weird. Was looking forward to some kitsch, and indeed the UK retrospective provided this. The main show felt like it was broadcast from the inside of a crematorium. Horrible.

[daf]

Quick heads up that Semi Final 1 will be on from 8pm on BBC 3 tonight.

[gilbertharding]

It's the same every year - I genuinely cannot tell the difference in objective quality between whoever wins and whoever comes last (or anything in between). Obivously I can tell that they are mostly different from each other - and I prefer some more than others - but they all sound absolutely fine to me.

I'm definitely not saying 'our song is brilliant and deserves to win', but on the other hand, in previous years I've been genuinely baffled by how badly it seems to do, and equally baffled by reactions such as 'it's all fixed and a waste of time entering' and 'what do you expect our song was shit'.

It's like having an opinion about a lottery ticket.