Advise needed: Important, serious life-altering stuff

[Glen_Ponder]

Hello. I am a regular here but have chosen to post this anonymously under the guise of a new member. I am in possibly the most dificult dilemma that I've been in so far in my life, and after thinking about what to do for a couple of months now, I'm no nearer a decision. Actually, I am - I think I might know what I want to, or should do, but it's such a tricky one that I wanted to run it past anyone here who is kind enough to offer any advise to see what others think.

Ok, here's the deal.

I am living overseas. I have been here for a while, however I am no longer staying here legally - I overstayed my allowed period early this year. This means I am without legal standing or recognition, without health benefits and subject to deportation (and a three year ban from where I'm living) if I do anything serious enough to get noticed. I am here because last year I met someone and we ended up falling for each other. We got to know each other over time, naturally, and I grew to know of her situation and she of mine. She is sitting on a large inheritance that will eventually mean (when she ends up getting it in the years to come when her grandmother dies) that my legal status is fairly irrelevent in terms of finance; I have no money of my own out here as things stand right now and cannot provide for myself or for her if here is where we would decide stay.

So far, so good. This is the head-fuck part. She's married. She told me almost immediately but said she is going to get a divorce very soon. She seemed mature and well adjusted (she's 25) and although I was very concerned about it, I felt that she was quite genuinely going through the preliminary stages of seperation and divorce. She has a three year old child with her husband. This meant that she was determined to seperate and divorce in such a way as to secure her child's best interests. This equated to not letting the husband know of her seperation-intentions until she was in a position to provide and be of financial standing herself (she doesn't work - looks after her son and her home). Looking back, this was a good point to bail out - that kind of situation isn't something I want to be too intimately involved in.

But I didn't - I believed in her and really liked her; she was a fantastic mum and  if anything I felt I had arrived on the scene (her scene) a little too early, but that I was willing to go with it so long as what she said was going to happen, happened. A few months went by and my circumstances changed - I needed somewhere to live, and my partner offered to put me up in her home for a couple of weeks while I looked for somewhere else. While I was living there, with her and her husband (who wasn't aware of our relationship and just thought he had a 'troubled mariage') I did so much around the place and connected so well with the little one, that I was asked by them both to live there indefinately. I still am.

This is where it really started to go pear-shaped. Because I was living there,  my partner took the opportunity I provided her with to get up later and do less. It reached the point where she was barely a part of the day, sleeping for most of it and staying up at night. It emerged further that she had something of a drug problem. She's since been diagnosed with ADHD (attention disorder) and although the drug she uses is not legal, it is the same kind she would be prescribed if she decided to seek medication for herself (something she is 'working on doing').

I'll cut a long story slightly shorter. It has now reached the stage where I think I've fallen (or at least am falling) out of love with this woman. She is a beautiful person with some wonderful qualities, but I remain living in the middle of a marriage that is falling apart, having to take care of a child all week, and knowing that the inevitable custody negotiations will not allow for a future away from here, and that the benefits of being a legal citizen will be far-off for that reason. She now rarely leaves the house, suffers from a kind of social phobia and is to all intents and purposes, dysfunctional.

The pain of leaving someone you care about is, strangely, not my primary concern - I think I could deal with that, albeit in time. No, my number one concern is that while I have gradually come to the realisation that this situation is not one I want to be in, for her, the opposite is true. I have become of more and more emotional significance to her - she has fallen more and more in love with me. I seriously worry for her if I would leave, that she would be ok and wouldn't be a danger to herself. I think she would fall apart. As much as I don't want to stay just because leaving would be too difficult, I don't think I have it in me just to abandon someone who needs me so much. To even approach this subject gets her so upset it's difficult to talk rationally about it.

My dillema is this: do I stay, because I want to do what's best for her, and help her to get sorted out, leaving when that has happened (or by some miracle finding a way to stay) .... or do I leave, because I know that ultimately my responsibility is to myself and the stress and pain of living in this unbearable environment is killing me ????

There are pros and cons on both sides ... standing by someone wil give me great strength of character, and I will always look back knowing that I didn't abandon someone when they were relying on me so much for support and strength. On the other hand, it may be deceitful to just stay and allow her to believe in a reality that doesn't exist and a future that is practically impossible. If I leave, can I really live with myself knowing that I took the foundation out of someone's stability right when they needed me? She wouldn't be able to cope - the husband would probably have to leave his job to be at home and make sure she's alright, or at least take care of their child. Yet I would regain my own sanity and start to re-build my life in a way that allows for a real future rather then a future based on fantasy or wishful thinking,... If I leave I think I've decided that the best thing is just to bail it - leave immediately. She would doubtlessly prefer a period of weening off - if only so the child doesn't just have someone he's attached to gone 'like that', but I am certain that my being there is something she would cope with far worse, if she knew I was going, and the child would probably suffer the same regardless.

I hope that made sense. Please don't take the piss if you decide to reply - this is causing me heartache 24 hours a day and I really don't know if there is a right thing to do any more - I think I'm just looking for the 'best' thing to do, now.  Re-reading this, it almost makes me look like a home-wrecker. I am not - the home was wrecked a couple of years before I got there - I am in the middle of something that was going to happen anyway - the problem isn't that I'm wrecking anything, it's that in many ways, I'm actually holding things together! I really don't want to do what I think is best but ends up being the most horrible, cuntish thing to do. If you'd prefer to PM me, please do so, otherwise reply here. Thanks for reading.

[jutl]

As SNG wisely said on another thread about advice - there's no way that anyone can offer legitimate guidance on the basis of a post on a bulletin board, no matter how well written and clear it is(and yours was both).  Having said that, my illegitimate guidance is that you have to leave. It seems from what you say that you have not really been an agent in this situation. I mean, I'm sure you have been important emotionally, but it seems likely that all these dire problems would have emerged with or without your appearance. Now, if I understand correctly, you're holding together a marriage which seems likely to fail. If it is not going to fail, it will survive without you.

Having said that I reckon you should leave, I have to also say that I don't think you should leave unannounced. If you are intending to return to the EU, then you can use your illegal status as a pretext. Explain to everyone that you have to go perhaps a fortnight before you are going to leave. This should give everyone time to acclimatise. If you end up being threatened with exposure as her lover (and I doubt you will be, if she's capable of thinking the thing through in her current state of illness) you may have to leave more quickly, or (if you can) pre-empt this.

I hope this all works out for you, however you resolve it.

[Pinball]

As jutl said, it's really hard to give advice for something like this, particularly when it's so serious, and I sort of feel in two minds whether to say anything! However, for what it's worth I feel you should leave. Think selfishly for a moment - you are in a very vulnerable position. If anything happens with respect to official awareness of your illegal status, you are likely to be imprisoned. She will surely tell her husband about you. Will she blame you for her current psychiatric problems and drug use, not to mention separation from her husband? You would be an easy scape goat.

If it was me I would leave without telling her, as telling her could pre-empt her snitching on you. Now, I'm assuming the worst, but by crikey you're in a vulnerable spot! It's literally an escape situation. Get out before you get arrested and imprisoned. If she cares for you, then you can communicate with her when you get home, and you can always meet up again. So, buy a plane ticket with cash and leave. You may want to consider asking for anonymous advice at the British Consulate first, to ensure you don't get arrested at the airport when they check your passport & visa. Just say you forgot and have got yourself in a pickle - I'm sure you're not the first, and as a Brit the authorities should be reasonably lenient (i.e. you're not an Ethiopean asylum seeker or something).

I nearly didn't post this as it's strong advice and could be crap, so bear in mind all the usual caveats please! I just said what I'd do, but maybe I'm too paranoid. I don't know. I just feel you could end up in deep shit extremely easily, and should avoid this happening, really.

[phes]

Have to agree with either of the posts previous. You have to look after yourself here, and it sounds like that means leaving. As an aside, and Re the ADHD. If this lady is taking Amphetamines and not the Amphet based drug Ritalin, she could very well make herself more ill. 'Working on it' sounds like something that may not happen for some time and I guess you have to ask yourself if that attitude will apply to other issues that should be addressed. Good luck and try to keep yourself safe.

[kenneth trousers]

You sound like a good bloke and good blokes struggle to do anything that may hurt other people. Operating on 'auto pilot` you will always put other peoples feelings and situations before your own, up to the point of losing any control you may have over the situation. At this moment in time you are in control, by not dealing with it (while you still can) in what may seem like a cold and calculated way will see this window of opportunity slam shut.
Your leaving will hurt your partner, by giving her a few weeks to think about it will not lessen the pain for her it will only give her the (misguided) belief that she may be able to change your mind. This will see her getting more upset and uptight as the days draw closer to your departure and when people start to panic they sometimes make bad knee jerk decisions.

This is the advice I would give to a mate in the pub, I may be wrong, but it's what I honestly believe. Do what Pinball says and contact the British Consulate then get the first plane home.

Hope it all turns out for the best mate.

[TraceyQ]

How about you just come home? Really. If you get caught you're going to be in big trouble. Her husband finding out and beating you to a pulp resulting in you needing hospital treatment that you cannot afford will be the least of your worries. Put some distance between yourself and their damaged situation and sort your head out.

[Cerys]

I have to agree with what's already been said.  Much as I would like to suggest the nice, happy, touchy-feely way out, I can't.  The important person in this scenario is you; and there are too many issues involved for you to deal with.  The longer you stay, the more attached she and her child will become: better to get out with the minimum of pain to anyone concerned.

[Glen_Ponder]

Thanks. I'll keep checking this thread for any more replies, but so far what you've been saying is confirming what I've felt, that I need to get out and straight away. In hindsight I can look back and think "crikey, I shouldn't have chosen this or that" but at the time, it wasn't apparent that things were on a slippery slope; they just kind of evolved into this and now here I am.

It will be incredibly difficult for me to just up and leave, knowing that I'll be leaving someone that I do deeply care about and for whom I'm relied upon for a huge amount of support, but at the same time I know it's whats best for me (and maybe even her), not that she'll see it that way for a looooong time, if at all. I have already made preliminary enquiries with the Flight Center, and it looks like Tuesday morning (Tueday night, UK time) is when my flight will depart, so long as I can still get on it tomorrow when I go to book. I'll update here when it's booked and when I get back to the UK. Send nice thoughts my way, would you? I've a feeling I'm going to need them...

I'll be returning to my parent's gaff (culture shock alert - Hollywood to Somerset!!!) on a temporary basis before returning to Uni at the end of September, so long as I can muster the cash together to get somewhere to live before then.

:(

[untitled_london]

good luck

[skibz]

My advice would be that... it's better to regret something you have done, than something you haven't done. You seem like the kind of person who puts the feelings of others above themselves in general, but in this situation you really have to realise that, by continuing on with the relationsip as it is, you are putting yourself in real danger of emotional damage and possible prison time/deportation.

Just never forget, You're not alone.

(transmits comforting thoughts)

[cilamc]

I can't go too in depth with the old advice here and now, but really I think you should leave, cutting off contact completely. I just think it's the right thing to do in this complicated and horrible set of circumstances. You really have to look after yourself, the way you describe things it sounds like things will just get worse and worse if you stay...

Good luck, of course...

[Fucknose]

yeah, just to agree with the others, sounds like a situation that isn't going to get any better if you stay. You're in a very vulnerable position and as difficult as it might be for all of you, think you should come back home. good luck.

[Glen_Ponder]

My mind is definately made up. I'm delaying things for 24 hours to wait to hear back from university in the UK - they've offered to let me continue my studies in a few weeks time, and I've asked to defer (again) until next year, to allow me time to get my head (and wallet) together. Either way I'm going, but it would be nicer to know what I'm going back to. Hopefully I won't have to get back to a mad rush to scrape together money and a new place to live - I'd like a few months to chill now, and re-adjust. I'll get a reply tomorrow and book my ticket then, so it looks like a Thursday get away for now.

[skibz]

Well done! It can't have been easy to do, but I think most people on here will agree that you've made the right choice.

Some advice: if you're planning to take a year out to get your head straight, make sure you try and take up something that you've always wanted to do but have never gotten around to. For example, following my botched suicide attempt* last week, I'm taking up Tae Kwon Do with a mate of mine, and I've also given up smoking (well, I haven't had a fag today or yesterday... but that's good enough for me so far), and it's crazy seeing how much of a difference it actually makes to your state of mind in general.

Good luck!

*please, don't ask me about this

[Pinball]

Best of luck, Glen! And skibz, don't kill yourself for gawd's sake! Kill other people. It's much more fun, and good for the environment
allegedly

[Glen_Ponder]

Incase anyone's interested, here's a little update: I've been delaying leaving the last few days while I've been negotiating with my university in the UK on a start date - I want to return to something of a plan, rather then a depressing void of nothingness. They had offered me a start in a few weeks time, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to get my head or wallet straight in time to make the best of it. My negotiations for a January start failed, but I was able to defer until September 2005. This takes the heat off an immediate decision a little, though I'm aware that in my heart the decision's already been made so the sooner the better. I'm also in the process of using my 'deferred student' status to get a much cheaper air-fare through STA Travel, and it's looking likely that I'll be going in a week or two rather then right now. Still going, though.

[Malcontente]

Good to hear that things are coming together for you, glen. I (and I'm sure a lot of other people here) have a lot of respect for you for being able to make a decision and stick with it.

Why not use some of your spare time to write a novel? They say everyone has one inside them - well, the fat man inside you has to pass the time somehow :)

[Glen_Ponder]

Again, a little update for those interested. I have the uni start date for September 2005, and I have found I can get a cheap fare home. There's really nothing stopping me from going now - just getting the timing right. I've tried bringing up the possibility that I could leave to my partner, to shocking results. She has basically insinuated that she'll be suicidal if I go. I gave this possibility some thought before I brought it up and decided that her problems existed and would have evolved to this with or without me - she's already told me that she was considering it before I came along anyway. Still, it makes it that bit harder, doesn't it. Can I really sit on a plane wondering whether she's a danger to herself? I keep reminding myself that I'm doing the best thing, rather then the right thing. I think my mind is still set but christ, this doesn't make it any easier. Maybe it was a mistake to bring it up to her, I just wanted to get some kind of reassurance that though she'd be devestated, life would go on... maybe I'll have to leave 'survival tips' (ie the course of action I think she should take to help start to solve her problems) in the letter I'll leave (?)

[Johnny Yesno]

Eek! What a dire situation. I'm with the previous posters here and think that if I was in your situation and I was able to see clearly (and that's always an issue when you're actually invoved in events) I reckon you wouldn't see me for dust.
To me, this person clearly wants everything her own way, and hinting at suicide to you while maintaining the deceit against her husband is an indication of this. The "sitting on an inheritance" bit stinks - who actually waits for their inheritance while the current owner is still alive?
You should also ask yourself if you'd ever really trust someone who could move their lover into their family home. I'm not saying people always marry the right person but that's just taking the piss. I wonder if her husband really has no idea or if thinks that if he ignores it it will go away.
Okay, okay, I don't know her and she's actually lovely but you just say the word and I'll rustle up a lynch mob among my mates at Trisha.

[Cerys]

Hmmm.  I'm tempted to agree with Johnny Yesno - she is getting things her own way a bit, isn't she?  Having said that, the fact that she's talking about suicide suggests that whatever her true intentions are, you've been put  in the unenviable position of  blaming yourself in advance.  I like your idea of leaving survival tips - it'll demonstrate to her that you're taking her seriously, which should keep her from feeling totally abandoned.  On the other hand, it's possible that she'd think you were taking the piss.  You know more about her than we do, so you're in a better position to judge whether or not this would be the case.  Whatever you decide - good luck.

[Glen_Ponder]

Ok, it's this weekend.

If ever I needed confirmation that it's best to go sooner rather then later, she's talking about getting a divorce from her husband NOW in order to move in to "a house" (that will somehow miraculously appear) with me - she's still dysfunctional and the sad fact is that even if I was able to get an under-the-counter job good enough to support us both, she would be beside herself to be left alone all day. I'd decided to speed things up before she does anything rash and fucks up the situation she has right now, which though she finds intolerable, will be far more tolerable then the alternative. She's become slightly more tolerable in the last couple of days which makes me feel slightly better about what she'll be like when I go, but I suspect it's because she keeps telling herslef of her wonderful future with me. It's also killing me having to smile and put on a fake persona of calm and serenity while knowing that it's just leading her on really, which isn't fair - feel like a right bastard, so it's time to go. I go through stages of feeling fine with it and wondering how on earth I'm ever going to do it. I don't think it'll ever be an 'easy thing to do' and I'm concerned that I don't just keep making silly excuses putting it off a few days then another few days, procrastinating because it's so difficult.

When I get back I think I'll simultaneously want to breathe a big sigh of relief, bawl into my hankerchief and get rat-arsed. Any up and coming meets I can crash? I promise not to be the sad drunkard in the corner, wailing about my woes. :)

[Cerys]

Well, there's the Birmingham meet some time in October....