Things your dad is still doing.

[Mr Farenheit]

Your dad prints out the face of wrestler Big Daddy and sticks it to the inside of his windscreen.

"How do you like that, son? Parking will be EEEEEEEAAAAASYYY! EEEEEEAAAASSSSSYYY! with this!"

"I don't get it, dad"

"Stand over there and I'll get in"

"Here?"

"Back a bit" he screams from inside his car.

"Here?"

"Your eye level's too high. Crouch a bit!"

"Like this?"

"Perfect!"

~

"So?"

"So what, dad?"

"It looks like Big Daddy's driving the car, right?"

"I suppose?..... you didn't have a colour photo?"

"Tcha! You're hopeless! You'll be eating your words when I go viral, son. I've geolocated the cemetery where Giant Haystacks is buried. Norm's going to film me doing donuts on his grave!"

[Glebe]

^ he spent all his life savings getting that Mr. Horatio Knibbles costume custom made too.

Not the first time your dad has dressed up to scare Norm in the middle of the night.

[Glebe]

"Son, elephants are afraid of mice! They look like tiny grey elephants!"

"Dad, that's just a myth perpetrated by old cartoons and comics."

Your dad throws his head back and laughs.

"Son... come on... how do you think an elephant would react when confronted by a mouse?

"Just ignore him and he'll stop talking," whispers Norm.

[frajer]

You try ignoring him, you really try, but it doesn't dampen the zeal in your dad's brain.

Now it's midnight at Whipsnade and your dad is winching Norm in a mouse costume into the elephant enclosure.

[Glebe]

"Oh hi Dad, I just let myself in and made a cup of tea... er, why are you, Norm and Cliff dressed like teddy boys?"

"We've been rockin' and rollin' all over town!" smiles Cliff!

"Yes, we've been up to no good son! Just spray painted the Stray Cats logo on the side of the youth club!"

"I wrote 'Norm is cool'! grins Norm.

"And I did a Chad saying 'Norm was here' and 'Wot no minotaur eggs?" chimes in Cliff.

"Hang on Dad, what 'youth club'?"

"You know, that corrugated building."

"Wait, wasn't the youth club torn down in 1985?"

"Oh dear. I think we done graffiti on my allotment shed," realises Norm sadly. I'd better go and scrub it off before I get into trouble."

[jenna appleseed]

Your dad is back in his bunny costume hopping around Netflix HQ demanding to know why they haven't made Teddy's Easter.

[jenna appleseed]

Remember that time Norm accidentally stumbled on stage in a Flemish dance club & he ended up taking the club by storm?

Your Dad can be spotted bopping in the crowd too.

[frajer]

Your dad is loitering outside Tesco Express trying to get someone to sell him some jazz cabbage, jazz celery or jazz cauliflower.

Norm is helpfully wearing a tie-dye sleeveless T-shirt and a backwards cap.

"We'll get some soon mate," he reassures your dad.

"It's your fault Norm, you've got 'narc' written through you like a stick of rock."

"A tidy haircut is my signature look! Sue me!"

They decide to give it another hour.

[jenna appleseed]

Your dad ends up trying to smoke a bag of salad mix, some rainbow carrots and some of that weird fractal broccoli.

[BlodwynPig]

Your dad enters the dreamstate. It's a damp grey multi-storey car park, Nuneaton in the early 90s. The sight of an emaciated, wrong-faced Norm pushing an old mechanical mower towards him, sad rictus grin beaming a malevolent intent, sends your dad hurtling off the 5th floor and into a doomtrip to end all doomtrips

[frajer]

Cliff appears in the dreamstate and tells your dad it's ok, it's ok, help is on the way.

His head is a tin of Tate & Lyle's Golden Syrup but that's ok because it makes your dad think of his childhood.

Comforted, your dad smiles. But that smile turns to a gibbering scream of horror when Cliff's head morphs into Tate & Lyle's new-style squeeze bottle.

"Too modern!" Your dad screeches as he flails about. "Where's the dead lion?!"

[Glebe]

Your dad is taking a calcium supplement and shouts "CALC, CALC!" whenever he is due to take his tablets.

"Alright your dad, I'm coming!" cries Norm.

"CALC, CALC!"

"Okay okay I'm just getting you a glass of water!"

"CALC, CALC!"

"Givvus a chance mate, I've only got one pair of hands! Bloody calcium bollocks!"

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad posts earnestly in a thread about religion (He thinks Norm will seed the second coming once he develops the balls to reclaim his mower).

[Mr Farenheit]

Your dad has come up with a mnenomic involving a rubik's cube and a rhyme to help him remember what day of the week it is. He invites you for a demonstration.

"Days of the week run in sequence
From Jan to December
But with a Cube and this rhyme
You'll soon learn to remember

Pick up the Rubiks
And turn as you rhyme
You'll have the day of the week
Very quickly in mind

Bands of three colours
Like the famous Dutch flag
Mean its monday again
The week's in the bag!

Red marks the T's
Tues and Thurs for short
If blue's on the bottom
Then its Tuesday for sure

Red and yellow twixt green
And you're close to the middle
Wednesday's the day
No more need to fiddle

Thursday's red
Of that there's no doubt
But no more than three blues
On one face are allowed

Thank Norm its Friday
The day of the Friend
White, Blue and Yellow
Mean fences to mend

Four corners of Green
And red in the centre
Your day starts with "satur"
The easiest to remember

Now how about sunday?
The day of our lord
You'll know its arrived
With an X made of gold"


"It's a great life-hack, son! Once I get to the end of the week I'll know for sure it works and I can start making some serious money off it!"

[dr beat]

Your Dad says he's just started his own University.

[Glebe]

Your dad has come up with a mnenomic involving a rubik's cube and a rhyme to help him remember what day of the week it is. He invites you for a demonstration.

Superb work F!

[frajer]

Your dad is plucking out his nose hairs and making Norm a wig.

"No need to thank me, Norm!"

"But I'm not bald, your dad."

"Not yet you're not," your dad chuckles. "Now lay your weary head down in the garden and I'll fetch your lawn mower."

[Glebe]

Cliff appears in the dreamstate and tells your dad it's ok, it's ok, help is on the way.

His head is a tin of Tate & Lyle's Golden Syrup but that's ok because it makes your dad think of his childhood.

Comforted, your dad smiles. But that smile turns to a gibbering scream of horror when Cliff's head morphs into Tate & Lyle's new-style squeeze bottle.

"Too modern!" Your dad screeches as he flails about. "Where's the dead lion?!"

"And from the lion came forth sweetness," remarks Norm.

"You're not helping the situation mate," sighs Cliff.

[Glebe]

"All men are equal," proclaims Cliff during a pub convo.

"Oh come on mate that's a specious argument!" your dad retorts. "Some are definitely lesser than others!"

Norm can feel your dad staring at him as he sips his Heineken 0.0.

[Glebe]

You convince your wife to allow your dad to take his grandson to see the new Ghostbusters.

"What was it like? Did you enjoy the film son?"

"I didn't see it... Granddad bought two buckets of popcorn for himself and told me to wait in the lobby until the film was over!"

"He ain't afraid of no strangers!"

[frajer]

"What's Dune 2, daddy?"

"Oh it's a sci-fi film based on a book. Why?"

"Because grandad said he was going to see Dune 2 after Ghostbusters because him and Uncle Norm had worn their popcorn buckets out."

You pinch the bridge of your nose. "Fuck's sake, dad."

"Oh what, you want I should lie to the lad? Is fibbing what's hot nowadays?"

[Glebe]

"Afternoon Dad, just thought... OH FUCK! CLIFF!"

Cliff is lying dead on your dad's kitchen floor with a knife in his back. Your dad's hands are covered in blood.

"It's a 'whodunnit?' son! Can YOU solve the mystery? YOU decide!"

*some years later*

"Have you solved the mystery yet, son?"

"Sorry Dad I have to go, visiting time is over."

[Glebe]

Your dad, Norm and Cliff have spent the last week rehearsing a synchronised dance to Ravel's 'Boléro' which they will perform in the conservatory tomorrow afternoon for an audience consisting of you and the cat.

[Mr Farenheit]

Your dad and Norm have been 'toilet-trading' for the past week.

"We've been using each other's toilets. When I need to go I pop round Norm's instead of using mine, and he does the same. It's really freshened up the whole experience. You should try it, son. The door's always open!"

"I think I'll pass, Dad. Its a 15 minutes drive."

"Your loss! Ask your wife if she's interested!"

[selectivememory]

Inevitably you wake up at 4am to the screams of your wife coming from your en suite bathroom. You stumble in to see your dad sitting on your toilet and smiling beatifically at you. 

As you usher him out of the house, you have to ask, "Is Norm here too, dad? I need to know."

"In the downstairs bogs, son. I wouldn't disturb him, he's probably dozed off. It's been a few hours now."

[Glebe]

[PlanktonSideburns]

The night terror episodes of the your dad show make me feel a genuine sense of dread, a dark bizzaro world filp of the jolly vibes

[Glebe]

Your dad invites everyone over for tea, but there are ructions at the dinner table when Norm brings up your dad's obsession with all things Ghostbusters.

"He has a poster of the new Ghostbusters film up on his study wall, I've seen it!" blurts Norm. "We went past a toy shop the other day and he spotted an Ecto-1 in the window, had to stop him going in and buying it - it were so embarrassing!"

"Shut and finish your gammon steak, you!" snaps your dad. "There's jam roly-poly for afters!"

[BlodwynPig]

[Glebe]

Remember that time Norm accidentally stumbled on stage in a Flemish dance club & he ended up taking the club by storm?

Your Dad can be spotted bopping in the crowd too.

"I was doing my Mike Reid impression when they asked me to join in... suddenly discovered I could speak fluent Flemish!"