Deliberately embarrassing one's friends and lovers in front of strangers

[Jerzy Bondov]

I prefer to do the big shop by myself because I feel that my girlfriend's head is too easily turned by special offers. I have a system and can go round very quickly. She also likes to use multiple coupons and vouchers to get a negligible amount of money off the bill like an old woman, which I find distasteful. For this reason, and to amuse myself, when we do go and do the big shop together, I act in a deliberately embarrassing way.

My new thing is to very suddenly say to her in a loud voice 'YOU'RE MAKING A SCENE!' and 'YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF!' She found this quite funny at first but not any more. I also like to try and sneak things into the trolley and make lame jokes to the people at the checkout.

I am fully aware that doing this sort of thing makes me look like an absolute twat, but I feel that it is justified because it makes me chuckle.

Share techniques here.

[Brundle-Fly]

My missus takes an eternity in the supermarket deliberating over purchases. eg: I'm often stood for ten minutes watching her decide what type of olive oil to buy, so I rather petulantly spend ages in the dog food section pondering over tins of Chum even though we do not own a dog. HA!

She just walks away and continues the shopping. It only worked once.

[Dead kate moss]

I just grab Mrs DKM's arm and push it into some biscuits or something so they all fall over the floor, and say 'What the hell are you doing!?'

[monkfromhavana]

I am partial to a surreptious stop during a conversation, so my partner (if I had one) goes walking off talking to herself and looking like a nutter. An oldie but a goodie.

[Thomas]

Music oft plays in those new-fangled, boring, high street clothes shops, so a good pathetic dance near the cardigans and skinny jeans never goes amiss.[nb]always goes amiss.[/nb]

[monkfromhavana]

I once made a right twat out of myself in the Shibuya, Tokyo, branch of Tower Records. Me and my friend had raging hangovers and were standing in the Reggae section, reading out the names of albums in appalling approximations of patois. Unbeknownst to me, my friend moved off to another part of ther store, being replaced by a rather timid looking, late 50s, Japanese salaryman wearing the same colour top, and no doubt looking for a Bob Marley album. It was at that point that I wheeled around, thrust a CD in this innocent man's face and shouted "Babylonnnn kingdom must fallllllllll" at him. He looked faily nonplussed, but I hope it gave him food for thought at his desk job later on in the day.

[Lost Oliver]

I love doing this. Lowering your voice so that it's really difficult to hear and then raising it to a shout it a good one.

There's also putting things back into a place that it doesn't belong. That really annoys her.

[Buelligan]

Music oft plays in those new-fangled, boring, high street clothes shops, so a good pathetic dance near the cardigans and skinny jeans never goes amiss.[nb]always goes amiss.[/nb]

Yes, supermarket dancing, especially in France (Super U) where they play a bit of Hendrix sometimes, is one of the few pleasures of shopping.  I used to do it with my Mum (along with trolley racing, run up the aisle pushing like fuck and then jump forward to glide like a Superperson, longest glide wins).  She's gone dead now, so that's the end of my fun.

[madhair60]

I am partial to a surreptious stop during a conversation, so my partner (if I had one) goes walking off talking to herself and looking like a nutter. An oldie but a goodie.

My mate Ken did this to me recently and I ended up saying "You can't use my bell-end because it's soft", in the voice of Alan Partridge, to a complete stranger.

[madhair60]

Oh, I just remembered one.  When my friend was driving us into town, and my other friend was in the back playing Pokémon, and he goes "I caught Zigzagoon".  I went into a frenzy, hollering "WHOOOOOO ZIGZAGOOOOON" at full volume, winding down the window and shouting "HE'S ONLY GOT A FUCKING ZIGZAGOON" at a group of ladies, leaning across and beeping the car horn while rhythmically yelling "ZIG. ZAG. OOOOOOOOON".  Sort of maniacal in retrospect.

[checkoutgirl]

Going shopping with my imaginary gay boyfriend Fernando is a nightmare, he spends ages doing it and is in no rush. If I didn't know better I'd say that he actually enjoys shopping. Yeah, I know. To pass the time while I'm waiting for him to make his purchases, I just make a general nuisance of myself. I ask him pointless questions like "Were Cornflakes really first developed as an anti masturbation medicine ?" or "What dog food should we get ? (we don't have a dog)" or my personal favourite "Is this Tesco ?". Eventually he sends me off to the food court and I can munch on a hamburger in peace. Shopping is a load of balls.

[checkoutgirl]

I hope it gave him food for thought at his desk job later on in the day.

There'd barely be enough to cover a small cracker.

[BlodwynPig]

How many imaginary dogs do these people have!?

[checkoutgirl]

How many imaginary dogs do these people have!?

None. They have none imaginary dogs.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

I noticed in Tesco[nb]which I usually avoid, but I was in a strange part of town and needed beer[/nb] yesterday that the check-out girl was wearing a badge with her name and also the words 'I like art' underneath.  Presumably this is a condescending gesture by good old Tesco to demonstrate to their valued customers that they treat all their staff as individual human beings with their own little personalities and interests and everything.

Anyway, another embarassment technique might be to initiate conversation in front of your girlfriend with each Tesco shop assistant on the basis of the interests listed on their little patronising badges.  It would be especially good if the interest listed was eg. 'dogging', but not sure if Tesco's encouragement of individuality stretches that far.

[Blue Jam]

Yes, supermarket dancing, especially in France (Super U) where they play a bit of Hendrix sometimes, is one of the few pleasures of shopping.

I would have thought food shopping in France was non-stop pleasure. Like going to Lidl and feeling like you're shopping on the continent, but actually shopping on the continent.

As for the subject, I don't embarrass peeps because I'm not a big meanie, and I don't like people doing it to me either. I have simpler pleasures- when shopping at outdoor markets I'm content to laugh at the sausage dogs whose owners inexplicably congregate at these things.

[Jerzy Bondov]

Lovely stuff, thanks everybody.

I once made a right twat out of myself in the Shibuya, Tokyo, branch of Tower Records. Me and my friend had raging hangovers and were standing in the Reggae section, reading out the names of albums in appalling approximations of patois. Unbeknownst to me, my friend moved off to another part of ther store, being replaced by a rather timid looking, late 50s, Japanese salaryman wearing the same colour top, and no doubt looking for a Bob Marley album. It was at that point that I wheeled around, thrust a CD in this innocent man's face and shouted "Babylonnnn kingdom must fallllllllll" at him. He looked faily nonplussed, but I hope it gave him food for thought at his desk job later on in the day.

This reminds me of a similar thing that happened to me except I was playing some driving game on the demo XBox in HMV, deliberately smashing into walls and other cars and laughing like a maniac for the benefit of my watching friend. I turned around and it wasn't my friend.

[Cerys]

SNG once loudly announced that I had a seven inch clitoris.  This was outside Barclays Bank.  In a crowded street.

I wouldn't have minded it it had been true.

[Incandenza]

If I'm sat at a table with my good lady and other peoples, I will leave my wallet on the table, then flip it open and 'answer' it, much like you would a modern telephone.

I'll say "Hello?" Look mystified, then say "There's no one there, it's just a wallet".

She has hated this all 249 times I've done it.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Several years ago a friend came up for a rare visit to London, and wanted to go to a particular sex shop in Soho. I was against the idea, largely because it reminded me of happier times when I visited it with an ex, but also because I didn't want to see any happy couples giggling about vibrators and other sexy stuff. He insisted though, and for an age looked at porn magazines and videos (despite being very intelligent, he refuses to go near the internet for some reason, so this is his only access to pictures of nude women) whilst I was becoming increasingly miserable.

We then moved on to the sexy outfit department, and he asked whether I thought it was a good idea that he bought his wife a sexy nurse costume. Now at this point I should mention that he'd previously had an affair that had almost ended his marriage, and it had taken them a long time to get over it. So I asked him if he genuinely wanted what I thought his wife's response to it would be, and he claimed he did. So because I thought it would be funny, I started shouting at him in an increasingly louder voice "You want me to dress up as a sexy nurse? You basically don't find me attractive and will only get turned on if you think I'm someone else? Fucking an eighteen year old drama student wasn't enough for you was it, now you want to fuck a fucking nurse? Well why don't you fuck off and fuck anything you fucking like because this marriage is fucking over!"

I thought it was funny at the time (as did he, to a certain extent), but reading it back it looks like the crazed ravings of a mentally ill man. Ah well, I can't deny that either.

[Johnny Townmouse]

If I give money in the form of a note to my wife in public I always hold it at the small edge, bend it over, and then run it across my top lip inhaling deeply whilst staring at her in an intense and seedy way.

Works best if the note is a fiver.

[Cerys]

I thought it was funny at the time (as did he, to a certain extent), but reading it back it looks like the crazed ravings of a mentally ill man. Ah well, I can't deny that either.

Crazed ravings or not, you are my new hero.