Things your dad is still doing.

[Glebe]

"It's too orangey for crows it's just for me and my dawg!"

"Sorry dad?"

"Just talkin' shit again son!"

[frajer]

"Gobblegobblegwaaarrrrk GWAAAAARRRRRKK!"

Your dad is in the garden, pushing onions and breadcrumbs into the cloaca of a frantic turkey.

[Glebe]

"Gobblegobblegwaaarrrrk GWAAAAARRRRRKK!"

Your dad is in the garden, pushing onions and breadcrumbs into the cloaca of a frantic turkey.

"Bootiful!"

"That's the least 'bootiful' thing I've ever seen dad. The least bootiful."

[frajer]

"Bootiful!"

"That's the least 'bootiful' thing I've ever seen dad. The least bootiful."

"Oh yeah? Then why is its "booty full" of stuffing? BOOOM! Don't step to me son or I'll stuff you next!"

[Glebe]

Don't step to me son or I'll stuff you next!"

Time for 'The Phone Call'.

"Hi this is the piñata guy again..."

[Glebe]

Your dad has turned the kitchen into what he describes as a "rap video set. We gonna film this shit on me phone and send it to MTV! Yo! Dad in da house!"

[frajer]

Your dad has turned the kitchen into what he describes as a "rap video set. We gonna film this shit on me phone and send it to MTV! Yo! Dad in da house!"

"Nah it'll be great! Ok let me just get onto 'video'.... there we go. Now son, when I say action, make your arse clap."

[Pink Gregory]

Your dad still subscribes to those "Build your own X" magazines every January.

"They're cool!"

Your dad is still furious with you for getting the wrong issue 7 and hates his model Lancaster with a Fortnite themed foam disc for a wing.

"You had one job, and now I have no son."

[ImmaculateClump]

He's been on the darkweb and ordered a load of red string thai weed.
Says he's gonna "blaze it 420" with his "homies" at the bowling club. He's started wearing these around the house.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad says he can't understand why all these snowflakes are buying Be Good To Yourself sausages when Richmond's are now only 90p.

[Cuellar]

Your dad's got his Xmas jumper on.

It says SLUT 4 CHRISTMAZ on it.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Your dad is very unhappy that he's not yet received a Christmas card from his earwax removal technician.

[itsfredtitmus]

fuckiscuitssssskjhjkfh

[frajer]

Your dad is lamenting the loss of Wesley Snipes.

"He's still alive, dad."

"Not to me."

[Glebe]

Your dad is going crazy at The Ministry of Sound in London.

[Cuellar]

Your dad experiences ego death during an episode of Minder

[ImmaculateClump]

Your dad keeps rubbing his hands together and eagerly looking through the blinds up the street for the postman.
"It's gonna be a green christmas this year, son! Hoo-hoo!"
He's started wearing these around the house.

[Glebe]

Your dad experiences ego death during an episode of Minder

"Boon is just starting on Drama or summit now dad, just thought you'd be interested!"

"'kin 'ell, this whole day is just one long existential trip!"

[Glebe]

Your dad sticks two toffee apples to his eyes and goes in his own words "balls crazy!"

[Glebe]

"That's a great fancy dress Goofy costume dad!"

"Aw shucks ayuk ayuk ayuk!"

[frajer]

"YEE-HAW!" It's past five pm so your dad puts on his ten-gallon hat and starts riding his dining chair like it's a bucking bronco.

Impressive clenching of his buttocks, you note with grudging admiration and mild alarm.

[Glebe]

His phone on a selfie stick, your dad comes flying in through the kitchen window down an airplane evacuation slide screaming "Get an eyeful of this, TikToks!"

[frajer]

Your dad doesn't want to brag but his arse is massive today. "Just call me Badonka-dad!"

[ImmaculateClump]

He's on the phone to the DWP, asking if he can have half of his monthly pension paid directly into the "bowls club massive" shared bitcoin wallet.

He's started to wear this round the house.

[jenna appleseed]

And he still hasn't actually ever smoked any weed, or tobacco, or those 'chocolate' 'cigarettes' or even candy sticks.

[Glebe]

"Son I'm gone viral on TixTox again with my latest clip, 'Dad takes a bath!' Got a bunch of 'thumbs up' and 'hearts'! Straight back atcha, Thurso Phil!"

[the Fallen]

Wetting himself

Dad, it's been years. Years.

[frajer]

Your dad tries his luck by hanging mistletoe off his belt buckle but gets brain foggy and uses poison ivy instead. It's going to be a raw Christmas for your old dad!

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Your dad has gone to see a Counting Crows tribute act with your Uncle Ian and they're really getting a moshpit going!

[Glebe]

Your dad scrawls 'big balls' on the lounge wallpaper in crayon.