Things your dad is still doing.

[dissolute ocelot]

Wednesday (which he mispronounces deliberately) is Chico Time. Chico died when you were two years old.

[frajer]

You forget to put the top back on the milk so your dad strides into the garden and punts a garden gnome up the arse.

[Glebe]

"There's a bit of a stale smell in here."

"Yeah sorry dad I've been farting all day."

[ImmaculateClump]

Your dads making a "fatty bumbatty" out of a sheet of A4 and some sellotape.

I'm afraid he's got this on.

[ImmaculateClump]

Your dads using a firefox add on to make sure all the dislikes he left on the loose women youtube channel are still there.

[frajer]

Your dad hollows out your cherished childhood teddy bear because he's going to turn it into a pencil case.

"For who, dad?"

"What?" He's already moved onto scraping dogshit off the lawnmower.

[Glebe]

"Bring back Gary Bushell onna telly! Nowadays it's all these wimpy gays like Alan Carr! Its this 'woke' culture! Bring back Bushell! Gawon, Bring 'im back!"

[frajer]

Your dad's Christmas list has one item, a wrought iron doorstop shaped like a basset hound.

"Just think of the damage you could do with that, son. Not saying I'd want to be burgled but if anyone did, ooooof."

[Glebe]

Your dad is absolutely terrified of the Lidl Elves. "Every year the come creeping in son!"

"I think they're just a Lidl Ireland thing dad but in any case rest assured they will do you no harm."

"That's easy for you to say."

[frajer]

Your dad won't have peanut butter in the house and if he even catches a whiff of peanut butter, he'll burn the entire place down without hesitation.

[Glebe]

"My wife and I have had a baby girl dad!"

"Congratulations son!"

"Now I'm the father and will be the butt of loads of 'your dad' jokes myself in the coming years!"

Your dad puts his hand on your shoulder and squeezes it meaningfully. "Solidarity, son. Be strong. Be strong."

[the Fallen]

Embroidering the jokes

[Glebe]

Embroidering the jokes

"Yes, embroidering is a joke! Women eh what are they like?"

[the Fallen]

Teetering out on the ledge, hanging on with three fingers across two hands and he has disturbed a seagull's nest

[ImmaculateClump]

He's just come in from the shed after smoking his red string thai bumbatty.
"Fucking hell, son, they shouldn't be allowed to sell that superskunk. I'm schizophrenic now."

[Glebe]

"Enjoying your Chaka Demus and Pliers CD dad?"

"Yeah man they cool."

[frajer]

Your dad puts all his Christmas presents in a big pile in the garden and sets fire to them because he's always thought he's sort of like the KLF.

[non capisco]

You're still trying to explain to your dad that there's just no way you'll be able to get him 'The Complete Craig Charles' Funky Bunker' on blu-ray for Christmas.

[the Fallen]

Barbecuing wrongly

[Glebe]

Barbecuing wrongly

Those chicken dippers are burnt to a crisp son, get 'em while they're carcinogenic!"

[Glebe]

"Is it Chico time yet, dad?"

"No son it's-"

[frajer]

Your dad thinks Ronald McDonald should knock off the clown shit and dress for the job he has. "No wonder the Hamburgler thinks he can run riot."

[touchingcloth]

Your dad thinks that "definite article" is slang for "fit bird", and he's always pointing out women in the street to you going "look at that! Now that is a definite article. Do you fancy lunch at Café Rouge?"

[Glebe]

You're watching The Snowman and the Snowdog with your dad when he suddenly starts to tear up.

"Are you okay dad?"

"Yes, son, just have something in my eye. Just... just going to make an Options hot chocolate," he blubs, dashing out the kitchen in an emotional fug.

[jenna appleseed]

He's only crying because it's not the proper Snowman, like back in the day, before they runed it with a stupid dog. No son, you're still not getting that puppy for Christmas.

[the Fallen]

Washing cars at the mini roundabout whether they like it or not and swearing at them

[ImmaculateClump]

Your dads complaining that they've stolen his dreams.
You keep asking who "they" are, and say you've read somewhere that weed fucks with your REM, but he says that he prefers cypress hill.
He hears a distant siren and throws all his red string thai weed into the toilet cistern.

[the Fallen]

Talking about Christmas

[Glebe]

"Have you seen Jim's new show son?"

"Jim?!?"

"Jim Davidson! Get with the times! He has his own thing on Yourtube or that! It's very funny and challenging, Internet viewing figures must be through the roof!"

[frajer]

Your dad has learned how to play Little Donkey on the mouth accordion. It was alright the first 250-300 times but now you just want to watch Die Hard 2 in peace.