Things your dad is still doing.

[frajer]

"By the way, where's that rogue parsnip?"

Norm finds it under a neighbour's hedge being nibbled at by a squirrel.

"I've found the rogue parsnip, your dad!"

Cliff pops up from behind the hedge clasping a pair of shears. "Erm, what did you just call me, Norm?!"

"No, no, it's all a misunderstanding," Norm says. "Tell him, your dad!"

Your dad takes a swig of Guinness. "Norm thinks you're a rogue parsnip, Cliff."

[Glebe]

"Well in that case I think you're a cretinous onion, Norm!"

Norm starts crying.

"Sorry mate, didn't mean to be so hurtful!"

"Sniff... no it's just the mention of onions always makes me cry. It's a psychological thing!"

Meanwhile the neighbour is wondering why Cliff is crouching at his hedge.

[Mr Farenheit]

"Who are you and why are you in my garden?" demands the neighbour.

"Who are YOU? And what are you doing slithering around outside my windows?" Interjects the neighbour who actually lives there.

The neighbour who chastised Cliff confesses, "I was just hanging around Then I got spooked by this guy with garden shears. Weird!"

"slither back to where you came from!"

Meanwhile, Cliff and Norm have quietly sneaked off. "Some real odd sorts round here!" says Norm, "you could write a blog about them!"

[frajer]

"Do you know who else slithered into a Garden where he didn't belong, Norm? Satan."

Norm nods and after a moment says, "Don't actually know what to do with that. Fuck it, post."

[BlodwynPig]

Norm spies The Neighbour silently standing outside Cliff's at 2am. Staring at Cliff's bedroom window.

A cold shiver runs down Norm's spine as he bundles back into bed and gets himself snug. "Glad his attention is not on me" before a knock at his bedroom window sends him into a paroxysm of terror.

[frajer]

Your dad gets down the fish market early and buys a crate of fresh lobsters to dump through Norm's car sunroof.

"Got to do something special for my boy's birthday!" your dad beams to himself as he breaks into Norm's garage.

[Glebe]

"Son, I've had a visit from the Benny Jessop! They say you may be 'The One'!"

"Dad what on Earth are you on about?"

"'On Earth!' Like it son, like it! But yeah they told your mum to have a daughter but she disobeyed them - and me, I DIDN'T WANT A SON! - but you may be the Quiz Harlech!"

"Fuck Dad you've really gone bananas this time!"

"What's occurin'?" smiles Norm, popping his head round the kitchen door.

"Just telling my son he is the Voice of the Outer World!"

Norm wisely retreats.

[Mr Farenheit]

Your dad buys a 'great dad-and-son gift' for your birthday.

Kickstart T-shirt for your dad
Junior Kickstart T-shirt for you

[Glebe]

You wake up in the middle of the night to find the bedside lamp on and your dad's eye staring right at you.

"FUCK! DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"Just casting my 'knowing' eye over you, son!"

Your wife wakes up, startled.

"WHAT?! What's going on? OH FUCK HOW DID HE GET IN HERE? GET OUT!"

"YES DAD JUST LEAVE!"

"I'm just casting my 'wry' eye over events, son!"

"Well do it at home!"

"You lot are no fun!"

Your dad storms noisily out of your house. The kids are bawling next door. You have to convince them that "the monster won't come back" and make a mental note to change the locks.

[frajer]

He's scaled your fence and is in the back garden now, sitting in your barbecue and drinking the cider he picked up from Tesco Express en route.

"If there's something strange, in your neighbourhood, who ya gonna call - hopefully not the local constabulary hahaaa!"

"Dad, just piss off!"

Norm emerges from your shed carrying your lawnmower. You lock eyes briefly and then he drops it and runs behind your greenhouse.

"Your irascible dad, in your flower bed - WHO YA GONNA CALL?"

You fuck off to bed.

[Mr Farenheit]

Your dad writes a 'catty' review of your 5 year old son's birthday party, with critiques of all the children's wardrobes- "so embarassing", "Ever heard of colour matching?". He describes the party variously as "cringe factor twenty", "cringe factor ten" and "cringe factor five hundred" and excoriates the food and the table manners of the children- "It was at this point that I made my excuses and left"

He sends it to your wife with predictable results.

"WHHAAAAAAAAT????? I was just casting my 'sassy' eye over proceedings! I didn't know you'd all be so sensitive, oh my gaaaaawd"

[frajer]

Your dad concocts a potion.

"Go on, son, drink it. It'll put hairs on your chest!"

You hear Norm giggling and see him peering in from the next room.

"Errr no, I'll leave it, thanks dad."

Your dad whirls around on Norm furiously. "Thanks for nothing! Now we'll never know what drinking turps and cooking sherry does!"

[Glebe]

"Doing the sandworm dance from Dune, Dad?"

"What?! Oh come on son, give me some credit! I'm actually smoothing out my freshly mown lawn."

"Oh sorry. I shouldn't be jumping on everything you do! Well I'm off, see you during the week."

"Yeah bye son!"

He really is doing the sandworm dance from Dune. He really is doing it.

[Mr Farenheit]

Your dad hires a body double so he can convince Norm he's in two places at once.

[Glebe]

"I just met you... and this is crazy... so here's my number... call me maybe!"

"Well as long as you guys are having fun... I'll pop back later!"

Norm gives you a wink as you leave.

[Mr Farenheit]

Your dad pays the body double to eat vegetables and exercise all day.

"It's great, he eats all the boring healthy stuff so I get to have whatever I want for dinner," he explains as he cuts a triangle off a duty free size Toblerone.

[frajer]

Your walk into the old home kitchen chuckling away to yourself.

"What's put a smile on your fizzog, son? Finally work out your willy's got a second function?"

"No, me and your body double just went go karting. He's a cracking bloke, really. He says he's going to take me to the zoo next week."

Your dad snorts. "All sounds a bit gay to me, mate."

Later that day he tells Norm the body double is the one who stole his new lawn mower and stands back to watch the fireworks.

"Steal my son, will you, you handsome-faced bastard?" he mutters to himself. "Taste the wrath of Norm!"

[BlodwynPig]

Your dad spies his body double shagging 'er across the road through wide-open curtains before chucking the rest of the Toblerone in the fireplace in a fit of pure rage.

Of course, he does return to the chocolate treat in the small hours.

[Glebe]

"Son, just hear me out on this... cows don't actually exist!"

You have your head in your hands but you dutifully indulge him.

"Sigh... go on, Dad."

"Yeah, see you always see cows on telly, right? On farming programmes and The One Show or that. But you never see them in real life!"

"You've never seen a cow in real life?"

"Son, I was raised in the suburbs! There are no cows here - or anywhere for that matter! They are all fake AI cows!"

You don't respond, just go into the kitchen to get your car keys.

[BlodwynPig]

You are both startled by a loud "moo" from the garden.

It's only Norman playing with his Minotaur horns.

[Glebe]

"'And where does milk come from?' I hear you ask. Quite simply..."

But you've already left. Norm is on the way up the drive and is in for a fascinating afternoon.

[Glebe]

"Son, Norm has died again - that's the second time this year!"

"The second?!"

"Yes! Remember the poisonous minotaur egg?"

"Oh yes. How could I ever forget the poisonous minotaur egg?"

[Shaxberd]

On Easter Monday, your dad rolls away the stone covering the entrance to Norm's tomb.

Norm's still in there, but he's brightened up and is doing the Sudoku on his phone.

[frajer]

His mood quickly sours. "The only Lent I wish to celebrate is being lent back my bloody lawnmower."

"Calm down Norm, you've been entombed for 3 days and 3 nights so you're as hangry as a man can be. Let's get you a pie and a pint."

[Glebe]

Your dad is paying Norm a pittance to mow his lawn with an old-fashioned, non-electric mower that doesn't work properly.

"Ooh, me fucking back!"

"Language, Norm! By the way, I've been meaning to speak to you... you're getting a bit old for this, aren't you?"

"Oh, no no! I've fine! Please don't sack me!"

Your dad chuckles warmly.

"Don't worry Norm, I'm not going to sack you... (yet). I've bought you a 'new', second-hand lawnmower that's not quite as banjaxed as that one!"

"Oh... thanks."

"Good old Yellowing Pages," you dad laughs, "they're not just there for the crap things in life like a blocked drain or a blocked drain... they're also there to supply second-hand mechanical lawnmowers! Enjoy, Norm!"

[Mr Farenheit]

"French Polishers? Its just possible you could end Norm's... I mean save my life!"

Your dad is having Norm varnished head to toe while he's asleep again.

[Glebe]

"Oh you do! Wonderful! My name? Your dad!"

The next dad Fly Fishing by Your Dad arrives in the post.

[frajer]

"Oh you do! Wonderful! My name? Norm!"

A limited print edition of How I Defeated the Minotaur by Norm gets passed to a bike courier.

[Glebe]

You are awoken by your wife's screams.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!"

When you both come to your senses you realise you are staring at a man-sized bunny with a basket full of chocolate eggs. It is of course your dad in a suit.

"I thought you'd be delighted! I've just left the kids their eggs - a Yorkie one for the lad and a Smarties one for the girl! Couldn't wake them up sadly!"

"Dad, I told you not to break into the house at night again!"

"But son, I've got you both a lovely giant Lindt egg! It's on the nightstand! Just off to Norm and Cliff's now!"

And with that your dad hops out of the room.

"Um... he did leave us nice chocolate eggs, dear!"

Your wife is too stunned to react.

[jenna appleseed]

^ he spent all his life savings getting that Mr. Horatio Knibbles costume custom made too.


Your Dad, yesterday.