Think I just saw the camera drone thing out of the window. Were they doing arty scenery shots of the abbey?
Fucking raining.
Hope all the India guys die of grief.
Looking forward to more Jof after the rain. Keep bowling til we kill him, great plan, return to peak bleak.
Best ever summer of criggers on CaB.
3-0 Aussies
Is the cunt out?
Vaughan displaying exactly the shitmunching views on data privacy you'd expect.
Vaughan displaying exactly the shitmunching views on data privacy you'd expect.
Pity it wasn't a 96mph Archer dick hit.
Anderson going into a coma was the best thing to happen to this team. Drawing lots to pull the plug out.
he'll be back at Old Trafford, I'll be writing erotic fanfic about his new ball partnership with Archer.
Word from the Oak is Jofra’s 6 Peronis deep and daggering a stunner in the unnerving big yet badly kempt beer garden.
(https://www.cricket.com.au/-/media/Players/Men/International/England/Jofra-Archer-CWC19.ashx)
You heard it here first. Jofra shagged my wife.
You heard it here first. Jofra changed my life.
It's fucking great living life in the moment, enjoying the peaks and troughs, a technicolor chiaroscuro, no fear of death, complete freedom.
Enjoy the greyscale flatline into graveward gradient.
Been here too long, someone sent a screenshot of an 'Archer takes six' headline in a group chat, I responded with 'Sadly it's not six HEADS', dead silence. It's been hours now.
Been here too long, someone sent a screenshot of an 'Archer takes six' headline in a group chat, I responded with 'Sadly it's not six HEADS', dead silence. It's been hours now.Had a similar experience, asked a whatsapp group which Australian they would like Archer to "LITERALLY KILL".
Broad's ball to Head was sexual.
Head’s facial expression afterwards
Already looking forward to rocking up at the WACA with Joffers.
No more WACA unfortunately.
Roy score sweepstake, all the numbers from 0-9 in a hat, I drew 3.
Roy score sweepstake, all the numbers from 0-9 in a hat, I drew 3.
What England will do: come out waving their bats around like party-attending children with plastic pirate swords and get twunted for 12.
Aggers spending the last 10 minutes absolutely cunting off Andrew Samson under the pretence of “banter.” Any luck Roy will send one through the commentary box window reducing his brain to scrambled egg.
Aggers spending the last 10 minutes absolutely cunting off Andrew Samson under the pretence of “banter.” Any luck Roy will send one through the commentary box window reducing his brain to scrambled egg.
Joffers almost brings up a lung trying to save the Ashes yesterday, and this is how you repay him? Fucking cunts.
Hahaha you HAVE to laugh.
Hahahaha.
Rory Burns, c Paine b Cummins 9
Jason Roy, c Warner b Hazlewood 9
Joe Root, c Warner b Hazlewood 0 RIP
All dead, yet still alive
In endless time, endless art
predicted 32/4 on my return so things are looking up
...the proteins attack the brain, leaving visible holes in the brain tissue ... symptoms that may develop include: muscle spasms, lack of muscle control, worsening problems with memory, thought and coordination ... Eventual prognosis: death
Hameed released from Lancashire. Something has gone badly wrong there. His series in India was Archer-levels of promise.
why aren't England cricket fans like Italian ultras?
They should have been out for less than 100 yesterday, defo. Pead tier bowling totally agree.
The batting has been infinite cuntery for years. Root needs sacking for his captaincy and needs TELLING where he's batting. Trev wasn't brought in for anything but ODI and we won the WC, destroyed everyone, easy. He doesn't give a shit about Tests so no surprise but Root is a TERRIBLE captain. Absolutely abysmal. No imagination, fine, but the cunt can't even react to the flow of the match. That doesn't mean being reactionary, it means reading and adapting. He's slow, illogical, uninspiring. The rest of the team clearly have zero respect for him. Imagine Stokes going back into the changing room to Steve Waugh or Kohli or Viv Richards or Botham after that shot. He'd be shitting himself. Rooty wouldn't even make eye contact, too busy with his Subbuteo and POGS. Drop the cunt and give him a run in the U11s.
Roy at 5.
Bairstow needs to get on the antiretrovirals stat.
Wood sounds like a Bob Mortimer character. Seems alright though.
Wake up. Time to die.
Are we? Are we really?
Better day for batting. 117 all out.
play the kids at OT
Hello Bosto down there! I'm on the top ledge now
Cook getting a bit arsey about someone writing in to complain about how shit we are.
English cricket falling to pieces.
What did he expect them to write? A fulsome piece of prose dedicated to Jason Roy's resillience and judgement?
I think he thought complaining wasn't very helpful and 'no one means to go out there and play like a AIDS-addled shower of cunts on day release from the special school' etc. Given we were embarrassingly bundled out for 67 just after lunch I didn't have much sympathy for his view.
Oh, a wicket. Who cares, it only brings the next batting holocaust a little bit closer.
We still winnin this. 300 on a day 3 pitch. ODI mode. Jos tonne. Jase tonne. YJB tonne. Donne.
Well done Root you simpleton.
Wait I've missed a bit, is Archer actually injured now?!
unsure. might just be cramp.
Not going to crow until England's last wicket is taken, but today has been glorious to see the testosterone toddlers try to keep up the heady spirits of yesterday on here
Not going to crow until England's last wicket is taken, but today has been glorious to see the testosterone toddlers try to keep up the heady spirits of yesterday on here
postscript: who faces the media today? Graham Thorpe. fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck offffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffff.
Bet365 have England at 9/2...definitely worth a punt I reckon
Not going to crow until England's last wicket is taken, but today has been glorious to see the testosterone toddlers try to keep up the heady spirits of yesterday on hereHope you’re okay, don’t know you but from this post and reading between the lines from other posts it sounds like you’re having a grim time. As others have said, maybe get some help, or even join in with the camaraderie on here, it’s great craic.
You still don't get it do you? You are so far away from getting it that a trans-pacific flight wouldn't get you anywhere closer to it.
Hope you’re okay, don’t know you but from this post and reading between the lines from other posts it sounds like you’re having a grim time. As others have said, maybe get some help, or even join in with the camaraderie on here, it’s great craic.
Love a bit of lavender mate, lovely stuff.
Aussies aren't done batting yet. If they were just chasing 277 then maybe they'd have a chance (haha not really), but it'll be at least 300 by the time they actually end up batting.
Mate, it's a laugh. Do you not actually understand? We're all having a fuckin laugh in here, ratcheting it up in every direction. It's fun for us who actually give a shit about cricket and having fun together, rather than sniping on the sidelines misunderstanding, desperate to be involved just to feel something.
I've given you the benefit of the doubt plenty of times over the past year or so with your predictable contrarianism but that you don't even grasp the tone here is worrying. I know you're depressed and life has been hard the last few years but get some help. You've got plenty of years ahead of you. It doesn't have to be like this.
Easily done but I actually like the guy, he's just struggling.
Do you even like cricket Blodders? I mean, fair enough if you do but it’s not coming across that way. I want the England team to die because I care. it’s one thing to take pleasure in the arrogant cunts that masquerade as our national cricket team but it’s another thing to seemingly take pleasure in the fact their fans are disappointed in their laughable demise.
Tl:dr r u ok hun?
Tested out some AIDS pedophile banter on a WhatsApp group. I’m not getting ignored this time but the responses aren’t quite the same as on here. I’m trying to double down as the responses get sterner but I might have to let this one go.
Mate, you don't get any of it, sorry. Get on the MAOIs and try to break your thought patterns. It ain't so bad really, not sure why you've ploughed your time and energy into this one but it's something you'll hopefully look back on and see that nobody here wants anything than for you to feel better. All the best.
Have you considered getting tested?
Give it a whirl, and then fungal cordyceps.
I heard the treatment was to pad up and bat third in the order
Tomorrow I reckon in the morning it will look like England have made a shock recovery but then quickly (within fifteen minutes) everyone will remember that just because you haven't died yet it doesn't mean you've not got AIDS.
Bank holiday paedofest.
I once had AIDS but I had the decency to stop playing international cricket for England.
Still trying to get into cricket. Today I studied the fielding positions and it took a while to work out that the reason they were weighted a certain way was because some people favour a different hand, which seems really stupid and I've certainly never heard of that before in any other sphere of life.You’re getting there but there’s a bit more knowledge needed about the various nuances and ebb and flow and AIDS of the game.
Also you're not really supposed to watch test cricket are you, just occasionally check the updates and swear and say stuff like "Chokesy should have batted the opening slips down at fourth edge, this is a disgrace, this is a disgrace", to be honest I think just "this is a disgrace" is gonna get me by in most test cricket conversations.
The world cup final was good they should do that again.
Jonny Bairstow there. Keeping wicket there.
This australian tail is aids paed.
Am i doing it right?
This is the day Roy comes off, right? 284 off 73 balls, won it by tea.
Nah because they weren't. And it's always England that are aids-paed.
Better though.
WOW! 4 overs without loss! What a turnaround! This is our day lads, I can feel it!!!Yep. Magnificent batting performance in that last session, had a bit of luck but you have to have a bit of luck when you have contracted an incurable blood borne virus. Best batting performance from our opening partnership since the days of Cook and Strauss, they really came of age in that last session. Proud to be English, new poster boys of Brexit.
Yeah, he's both. Self-centred and repetitive but he's often spot on. I really like him, we need more of that than rentagob stuff from Vaughan who is a professional troll at times just for the attention.
I really like Isa. She's funny and incisive, great voice. Excellent complement to the other wankers.
I really like Isa. She's funny and incisive, great voice. Excellent complement to the other wankers.
I really like Isa. She's funny and incisive, great voice. Excellent complement to the other wankers.
Almost time to go find some Australians and give them gentle ribbing.
Rumours of an imminent AIDS outbreak.
super 38 ball 1* here from Stokes, the spirit of Faf du Plessis is strong.Cunt can stay on 2 until Monday as long as he's there.
322-5: West Indies v England, 2017
315-4: England v Australia, 2001
When was the last great Ashes comeback win by an English side? Australia had one a couple of games ago but I can't remember any from us since 2001. And that was a dead rubber. Obviously every time there's an opportunity you don't genuinely think it can happen as it only happens once every 20 odd years but we are due one. Or maybe we won't see one for another 40 years.
I can't stop eating bread, I'm so nervous.
There were two comeback wins of sorts in 2013, where we were behind in the first innings batting first, only to rack up a decent score second dig and bowl them out. Nothing like this.Aye, easily up there with 1981.
The nearest thing I can think of off the top of my head was the first test in 2010/11 when we were miles behind on the first innings, only to get 517/1dec second time out and not just recover but dominate. Finished a draw but set down a huge marker.
Quite simply, in meaningful games (ie. series still in play) I can't remember too many big performances batting 4th from England. Were England to win this it would be Botham level.
If we do win it would be a very fitting resolution to the AIDS cycle as instead of getting life prolonging treatment we’d all pretend the virus has disappeared of its own accord and then immediately die during the next test.
Worrying sign on the TMS podcast. Aggers shouted "well played skipper" to Root as he walked off, to which Root snarkily replied "that'll give you something positive to write about." MATE.
His weak immune system was a recurring motivation for not touring the Indian subcontinent.
Geoffrey Boycott's Wikipedia page states that during the 1980s:
This affliction goes right back to the beginning of the AIDS virus.
let's have your predictionsI don’t think we will get that close.
I reckon ENG all out for 270. Some new ball disaster but a late thump by someone.
And now we know which way.
Today will define Root as England captain one way or another.
I'll tone it down here. I think that has to be Root's captaincy gone. He's been poor for a long time in various formats but he needs time to focus on his batting and mentality now. He isn't a natural captain by any means and that decision making says everything you need to know. When the pressure is on, he is not a player or a man England can look to for guidance, inspiration or a match-winning performance. Contrast with Cook who was almost boring in how reliable and steady he was as a player and as a man.
I say it's time for Stokes, the only player to have shown grit and a fighting mentality both here and in the WC. Yes, he did what he did but his response has been exemplary and he's the only one to show the character to be captain. As much as I love Jos, he's not suited to Test cricket at all.
I agree with the Root analysis but I wouldn’t give Stokes the captaincy. Heart-on-your-sleeve type workhorse all rounders never seem to work well captaincy-wise. I don’t think it would be wise to increase his work load. Don’t ask me who I’d pick though because I’ve got no idea. Give it to that bald cunt Leachy boy for a laugh.
I hate this. How fucking dare they let me start to hope? Absolute cunts.
I have to mow the lawn and probably won't be back in time for the start of the next session. Fully expecting to see the score at 255-7 when I come back in.This is why it's difficult to truly believe. We could get the target down to 50 without losing another wicket and still lose by 25 runs.
It also doesn't help players, fans, or selectors that the county championship and one's form within isn't a great marker for success. Sometimes their class picks do work out, too, which confuses things further. Been having this chat with some pals in real life over the last few days. Like why did Glen Chapple never get a proper chance? Why did they pick Foakes and Parry, have them perform as well as expected, and then discard them?
The England team are currently playing like they are only interested in sexual partners who are older than the age of consent.Could be a sophisticated grooming technique.
Umpire Gaff-Prone more like!
Terrible run out. Terrible.
I would say that's Buttler finished as a Test cricketer. Big fan but he hasn't got a clue in this format.
Purely Sir Ben Stokes fault. Buttler reacted decisvely to Stokes call who backtracked.. Stokes could get a century but cost England the game.with that.If Stokes gets a century we will probably win. Buttler looked like he wasn’t going to be there long anyway. Might give Stokes some inspiration to make good.
Why is someone in the crowd playing the Last of the Summer Wine theme on a trumpet?
Why is someone in the crowd playing the Last of the Summer Wine theme on a trumpet?
Bill Owen and Peter Sallis are filming outside in a bathtub
Set him up, pretty clueless. Didn't look like scoring a run. Fuck off. It's down to Jofra.Yeah, started with Bairstow and as expected with England one wicket starts the collapse.
Absolutely miles off here.
Bairstow's shot is unforgivable. Run out unforgivable.
Yeah, started with Bairstow and as expected with England one wicket starts the collapse.
Root is of course the worst of all. Completely fucked it.Yes, don’t want to overreact but he deserves to be publicly executed.
Yes, don’t want to overreact but he deserves to be publicly executed.
Errr... No.Was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but you are probably right.
Three generations of his family need to be publicly executed.
As difficult a task as this was this morning, it's remarkable how far away we are given how average their seam bowling has been. It needed nothing more than slow and steady. Not even a need to hit the bad balls, especially. Singles. Singles. Singles. It's just very hard to concentrate and keep your cool.Yeah we could have dead batted this entire session and blown them away after tea. Wasn’t to be.
Edit: Haha great Flintoff story. Love it.
Be good if they fall 1 run short.That would actually be good as the Ashes would still be alive. Would definitely take a tie.
That would actually be good as the Ashes would still be alive. Would definitely take a tie.
Should piss it.
Good point, we actually only need 87 runs!
any cunt thinking England can win this is a cunt
Broad has scored 169 in a test before so this should be absolutely fine from here.
caveat: two PAK bowlers were done for match-fixing in that game, the guilt pouring out of them as Broad played Asif and Amir like Lara playing a Minor Counties trundler.
Yeah bit daft there. I'm to blame.Yes, Archer can’t take the blame for that one. Bairstow, Root, Woakes and Boston Crab... gang your heads in shame.
You have to love Archer. Guy is immense.
Yeah bit daft there. I'm to blame.
Stokes may as well just go for it now. Nothing to lose.
A shame because despite how fucking shit we batted first time around, we've gifted this to the Aussies.Yep. No demons in this pitch, dumb fuckery has cost us. YJB was thinking of his man of the match speech.
ENG just never do major overhauls. Buttler will probably stay the series, "bad luck".
Yep. No demons in this pitch, dumb fuckery has cost us. YJB was thinking of his man of the match speech.
A shame because despite how fucking shit we batted first time around, we've gifted this to the Aussies.
Believe me I know how these two feel. I was in the final on Fifteen to One with one life for ages.
Did you win?
No. Bloody Alan from Carnforth.
I don't blame Archer's in the slightest for the holing out. 15 is more than we should expect from him. Ignoring the rest of the match and looking at today, Root threw his wicket away when he could have nurdled his way to another 25-30 even. Bairstow threw his wicket away chasing a wide ball. Insane. I can't blame Woakes or Broad for anything.Yeah whatever the result this is one of the best innings I’ve seen under this pressure.
Stokes is God tier. Absolute giant.
Leach is the true hero there though.
Whoever called for a review for that most leg side of deliveries should be drawn and quartered back in convict land.
Hopefully all you paedophiles and HIV sufferers in this thread shut up now.
So Root finally wins an ashes test.
BLODEvery contest needs a villain, good on you Blod, keep cunting up this thread mate.
CALLIN BLOD
GET DOWN OFF THAT BRIDGE CUNT
IT'S OK
STOKESY DID IT MATE
IT'S ALL OK
STOKESY DID IT
MATE
DON'T JUMP
MATE
MATE
PLEASE DON'T NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Buttler and Roy still have to go. They cannot lose sight of this. I begrudgingly say Denly stays.
It's grab a granny night for the England team!and Yes
r/Cricket are frothing for the head of Paine.
Would you rather have Joe Root or Tim Paine leading your team?Would you rather have aids or be sexually attracted to children?
Would you rather have Joe Root or Tim Paine leading your team?
Would you rather have Joe Root or Tim Paine leading your team?I think having either is like the Paine of Root canal.
Garry tossing one up in the penultimate over. Hahaha. You dare?Garry dropped ashes right after Harris dropped Ashes. Rewatching it now. They really should have won.
Jezza to nationalise cricket
https://twitter.com/jeremycorbyn/status/1165670904388640770
The replies on that Tweet.
Do they really have a massive bone-on for cricket being on Sky or is it just because Corbyn said it? Dunno why I'm asking, I know.
Oh no, better not make this a politics thread.
AIDS! Pead!
I don't understanmd the whole cricket on terriestrial TV. Out of The Ashes no channel would actually want it. Expensive live sport all day getting smaller ratings than the usual cheap to make daytime gubbins.
If I were them, fitness pending, and not considering that Paine has to play I'd go:
Bancroft (wk), Warner, Khawaja, Smith (c), Labuschagne, Head, Marsh, Pattinson, Hazlewood, Lyon, Starc.
About to watch the highlights again. Can't get enough of this. Gary done dropped the Ashes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iXsb5HieLY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iXsb5HieLY)
GARY GARY GARY
BEAUTIFUL GARY
Indians going mad about this one too, keep posting pictures of Lyon's not given LBW to Stokes. Love it, didn't think their tears over the "injustice" of our World Cup win could be topped but here we are.
If Paine falls on his sword, which for Australia probably needs to happen, I think they'll keep Wade and hand him the gloves. He did get a century in the first test after all. Harris might get another go despite being shit here, because Bancroft looked like a tailender in his two games. Either that or Khawaja opens with as you say an all-rounder coming in further down. I was surprised they didn't bowl Labuschagne more.
Wot a sport tho
That is actually within Joel Wilson's ability isn't it? I thought umpires could refer to DRS if they were unsure. I suppose they must not be able to.Can they? I thought it was only for run outs and checking whether catches have carried, unless it's changed. That's even funnier if they are allowed to check.
How the fuck has this thread got to page 29 already??
Fucking phew!
How the fuck has this thread got to page 29 already??
Page 25 of this thread is beautiful. Minds cracking and shattering in unison. With the exception of BlodwynPig, who only half-secretly harvests and feeds off grief.Fair play to anyone posting at that point, my hands were shaking too much in those last moments.
Aggers not Mr Popular but I'm listening to 5hrs 30 onwards and the way he shouted down Glen McGrath was the broadcasting equivalent of Pietersen at the Oval 2005. Literally screaming numbers at Pidge the fucking aids pink shirt bullshit wanker.Where can I get the whole thing? I could only find the podcast. Got a link? Can't relive this enough.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/live/cricket/47325095/page/5Cheers.
The stream can still be skipped to whichever bit you want.
Someone save this. This is culture bottled.
Gorgeous scenes https://twitter.com/bbctms/status/1165693476463398914
Shittest reaction of the lot to winning. That wasn't a relief, we won, we weren't saving the game, we were down and out and that was a fucking thousand to one shot of coming off. And we fucking did it!!!! Riot, go APESHIT!
I'll never forget this.Me neither. Have no idea what will happen at Old Trafford, we could win by an innings or lose by an innings. Mad series.
druss mate, you've been unplayable in this thread at times. Legend.You found the cure for AIDS on more than one occasion here yourself mate. Top knock.
The ridiculous thing is we won't pick 2 debutants with the Ashes on the line but we kinda need to pick 3 batting replacements and only have Foakes and Pope who have played tests before and weren't earth's core life over belsen
I would like to see Sam Curran get a test as he is a pocket rocket and a mean competitor but can't see a way in without weakening our batting lineup further. Anyone suggesting he is selected in place of a batsman should be shot dead and mugged in front of their children. There's a bit of a break so Broad, Archer, Woakes should be picked in my view. Anderson will be rusty and not sure he has proved his fitness.
You’d think listening to TMS again this morning that the joy might have dissipated slightly. But it gets more orgasmic with every listen. Fucking hell.
Really think the positive energy generated by this thread played a part too. If you think about it, we’re all Ben Stokes in a way. Maybe a bit less scummy, and not so ginger and punchy.I dyed my hair ginger and beat the shit out of some randoms in his honour.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrIew7-4isI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrIew7-4isI)
That's another pair of pants going in the wash
http://www.espncricinfo.com/story/_/id/27465513/stokes-2019-botham-81-%2B-flintoff-05-more
Unsurprising but still appalling, Mark Nicholas manages to include praise of Margaret Thatcher and his own rewording of Technicolor Dreamcoat in this absurdly awful write up of the day.
If anyone manages to find some Australian commentary for the final few overs I would be eternally grateful.
(https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p01c12fj.jpg)
No woman has sat on that face.
There’s Channel 9 highlights, but only if you’re in Australia. I’m sure there’s some way around that but I’m too technologically incompetent to know.I've tried, used HOLA which allows me to get on to their site and create an account (with a bogus Aussie postcode) but as soon as I click play it says it's outside of my region. Australians obviously not keen on us laughing at them, spoil sports. Our commentary is always on youtube for all to see.
Video only runs for 15mins though, maybe they just cut after the ninth wicket.
TMS have archived the final hour
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p07lmfpy
Has anyone been watching the Ashes in France and if so how? Got a mate out there who can't find a way to watch it. His fault for living in a heathen non-cricketing country though I suppose.
My girlfriend is working on a photoshoot with Steve “Grievous Bodily” Harmison tomorrow. Anybody got any questions for the big man?
My girlfriend is working on a photoshoot with Steve “Grievous Bodily” Harmison tomorrow. Anybody got any questions for the big man?
What's his favourite bit of Steve Waddell darts commentary? Mine is, 'It couldn't get any more exciting if Elvis walked in now and bought a bag of chips.'Everyone knows that's the second best Sid Waddell commentary, and I'm sure Harmison would agree wiht me.
Has anyone been watching the Ashes in France and if so how? Got a mate out there who can't find a way to watch it. His fault for living in a heathen non-cricketing country though I suppose.
Everyone knows that's the second best Sid Waddell commentary, and I'm sure Harmison would agree wiht me.
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer…Bristow's only 27."
FUCKING FAT ASS TITAN RAKHEEM CORNWALL DEBUTING FOR WINDIES LATER
He's just chumped Pujara!
https://twitter.com/SkyCricket/status/1167465112262889473?s=19
Anyone watch Somerset vs Middlesex? Fuck me, that was some batting.
Selectors bottled it then.
How do you get dropped from this England team?
How do you get dropped from this England team?
didn't see that Aus have dropped Khawaja and Patto for Smith and Starc. The broken shell of Garry continues.
2, 8, 3, 5, 61, 0 and 0
Vic Marks talking about pulling Archer off
Root is more mentally burned out than a Vietnam vet after a 6 week night shift down the abbatoir.
Posted at 12:5612:56
Post update
Ed Sheeran is in the house!
If Starc gets 7 more he’ll have scored as many runs in the series as Jason Roy
Three or four wickets down by close?
We need to get them on the backfoot with some positive cricket. Execute our skill sets.
Ah they're cheering Lyon every time he catches or picks up a ball!
Heh, 5 of Starc's 11 overs were maidens and he's still averaging 3.7 runs an over.
Anyway, this really is all about grinding those 4 bowlers down. Can we actually though...
When Smith bats
Must say this is textbook cricket from England. These two are being dogged enough for people to think 'yes, we can save this test', giving viewers just enough hope, setting it up brilliantly for an abject collapse in a few hours time
Moeen making a strong case for whatever ails England being a radius of Bayliss thing. 120 off 60 for Worc tonight.
Starc totally ground down. Stokes up for this.Haha check out this paedophile. Ran off scared after the last test like an absolute child pussy hole and tries to come back swinging his pebble dick as if we don’t know he fucks children.
Ooops, im in a different time zone
Haha check out this paedophile. Ran off scared after the last test like an absolute child pussy hole and tries to come back swinging his pebble dick as if we don’t know he fucks children.
No kids here mate, but Roy has some images that might interest you.
how many times has Broad done him? 6 out of 8?
STOP GIVING US FALSE HOPE YOU WANKERS
Paedo Preddo
Aus 94 All Out
Stokes again
Absolutely perfect clownshoes-era England thing, whip them out to leave more time to get thunderbollocked.
Paedo Preddo
Aus 394 All Out
Stokes gone
“Root, looking at a laptop, no doubt analysing his dismissal...”
Hmmm.
“Root, looking at a laptop, no doubt analysing his dismissal...”Nice. Might analyse my dismissal watching Tushy tonight.
Hmmm.
There's always someone who'll put in pointlessly good but not enough performance. Stoke can't do it for us again though. And honestly he's earned the right to paed it up for a match.
Ashley Giles has to be fair said that test cricket will ”come to the fore” now he’s in charge.
I’d have an easier time trusting him were it not for the fact that next summer’s main event is the HUNDRED.
Hiring Gary Glitter as batting coach seems foolish in retrospect.
To be fair Gadd came across quite well on TMS I thought.
Is Broad crocked, whys he batting so low?
Is Broad crocked, whys he batting so low?
really should be bowling more yorkers.
England were shit but it was fun for a while. Who’s following Wales in the RWC? See you in that thread for more sporting despair.
Hales isn't getting back in the one day squad though is he? Good as he is, the rest of them think he's a cunt, and he's probably one piss test away from a big ban.
give someone with county experience like Burns or Northeast the captaincy
Fuck it I say we bring the World Cup trophy to The Oval and hand it round the crowd at lunch
Unchanged squad for the final test. Jesus fucking wept.
Thats fucking mental.
Not a fan of Root as a captain but he’s basically had his hands tied from the beginning. He inherited a bunch of these batting problems from the Cook era along with a head coach who isn’t interested in test cricket, the whole system being geared towards winning the World Cup and selectors (Ed Smith) showing themselves not to be up to the job.
I’m not arguing that there’s not a huge rebuilding job to do, but for me, I don’t see how they can burn Root as a captain while moving forward as a team.
I do like wasting time on Statsguru to make scathing points about England's weaknesses that will only be read by four people on a messageboard, two of whom will disagree with me anyway.
Today, for example, I have found that all of Jonny Bairstow's test centuries and half his fifties have come in the first innings when England have batted first. In other words, perhaps when the least scoreboard pressure is on and when the pitch is at its most docile.
Bairstow in the first innings of the match: 38 innings, 6 100s, 10 50s, average 52.00
Bairstow in the second, third or fourth innings of the match: 81 innings, 0 100s, 11 50s, average 27.78
I think there's a real case for giving him a gold watch and an engraved tankard and showing him where the door is.
LOSING PERCENTAGES OF THE ENGLAND TEST CAPTAINS OF MY LIFE
Alec Stewart 53.3%
Graham Gooch 35.2%
Michael Atherton 38.8%
Nasser Hussain 33.3%
Michael Vaughan 21.57%
Andrew Flintoff 63.6%
Andrew Strauss 22%
Kevin Pietersen 33.3%
Alastair Cook 37.29%
Joe Root 41.9%
Yes more cricket has a definite result and his winning percentage is also solid. But in tandem with the crash of not just his batting but LITERALLY EVERYONE'S I think there's a real case for giving him a gold watch and an engraved tankard and showing him where the door is.
Seems like we just don’t identify the players who can potentially become test match batsmen anymore, all of our picks over the past few years have failed. Burns is doing okay and might make the grade but otherwise it’s been like cattle to the abattoir. I’m sure there’s still some potential test match players out there, batsmen with solid techniques and brain’s not riddled with AIDS. Until we get a top order capable of setting a platform for them our fabled ‘lower order batting strength’ is irrelevant anyway - if Bairstow, Buttler and the rest can even be called a strength based on recent displays.
Scour the counties, the academies and where ever else for solid top order batsmen and then work on helping them get their game to the required level. Spending the next three years trying to convert Jason Roy into Mike Atherton is doomed to failure.
Ha ha straight in with an unchanged side for T5.
Interesting interview with Cook in the guardian where he states his belief that Australia ball tampered during the last Ashes series. Also says after a couple of post test beers Warner let slip that he’d ball tampered during a first class game.
Legend Sir Geoffrey https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49639222
Joe Root said the planning for England’s next Ashes tour to Australia begins right away, after dropping Jason Roy for Thursday’s fifth Test and telling others they are playing for their futures
It was never going to last
Burnsy lad, what were you thinking
Fuckin ell he's taken THREE wickets?!
Mitchmarsh test bowling average 44. England getting bowled out by Darren Maddy here.
‘Kinell, Michael Vaughan’s amusingly named chicken anecdote. These are dark days for English cricket.
‘Kinell, Michael Vaughan’s amusingly named chicken anecdote. These are dark days for English cricket.
Congrats to Joe Denly, who became a father last night (Stevetta, his daughter is called. Stevetta?!?).
Stevetta! For real?
Mitchell Marsh
Five wickets
Five wickets for Mitchell Marsh
The England cricket team
Five wickets for Mitchell Marsh
How have I only just noticed that Broad bats left-handed and bowls right-handed?!
Mmm, my dad writes left-handed but plays guitar and swings rackets/bats with his right
Watch Woakes now. I think he's gonna take all 10.
Curran bowling quite nicely to Smith here
Azweer: "Whom do you feel is the Man-of-the-Series..!! Mine is not Steven Smith... It's Jack Leach... Anyone else???" He's the people's choice. But the people are usually wrong when asked to make big decisions .
What would Smith's series average be if England had actually held on to some catches?
What would Smith's series average be if England had actually held on to some catches?
get in Curran. absolute shocker that he wasn't in this series when it was more alive.
Every cunt in England had Curran in their test side from the off. Every cunt bar Root and the selectors.
What the fuck am I gonna do when this test finishes? No more cricket, may as well kill myself. I’ve loved this thread lads.
head to 2.19 to see some Rakheem Cornwall explosions in a MOM performance for St Lucia in the CPL.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u64VM5jpxaY
What the fuck am I gonna do when this test finishes?
Wouldn't be surprised if those 2 sixes turn out to be absolutely crucial.
Jack Leach officially better at batting than Warner.Bald fuck needs to bowl us to victory though.
Warner to score 800
I'd quite like to see this mouthy twat Wade get his brain case obliterated.
A lot of sledging and ”banter” stays on the field and you get the impression the players will have a drink and a laugh together after the game and get on well.
But you also get the impression that everyone hates David Warner and Matthew Wade.
Gary I doubt is that popular the bald mouthy cunt.
As much as TMS etc like to ignore all but Ashes cricket when is Pakistan’s next opportunity to hang, draw and quarter England on moderately turning tracks? Always a favourite series.
Getting quite worried now.I’m taking credit for that one.
Fuck off and stick your pointless 100 up your arse, you cuntDifference between him and Stokes with how they celebrated their centuries was job done for Wade but meaningless for Stokes at that point.
Keep Root in squad as bowler
Imagine if England had just drawn in Australia to retain the ashes.Yeah it wouldn’t have been close to the same feeling. Far better than losing but not the sort of thing you remember years later.
Fact is Australia failed to beat a bunch of aids-ridden dogshit paedophiles
It occurred to me (of no use to anyone) that Woakes should have been given the new ball. Archer will bowl rapid whenever he's handed it. Woakes needs that shine. It seemed to make sense as Archer was hitting 90mph, give him the nut and let him kill, but it did not help the donkey workers at all.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EEiOKG5WkAAmUoL?format=jpg&name=4096x4096)
It occurred to me (of no use to anyone) that Woakes should have been given the new ball. Archer will bowl rapid whenever he's handed it. Woakes needs that shine. It seemed to make sense as Archer was hitting 90mph, give him the nut and let him kill, but it did not help the donkey workers at all.
I went to day 2 of the Roses game at Headingley in 1998 and got Glenn Chapple’s autograph so I am a qualified expert on county cricket.
A lot of the counties (or maybe not lots, but several certainly) live stream their games on youtube. Static camera pointing at the batsman, but still.
TL:DR Root’s captaincy has been absolutely dreck this summer. Can anyone think of one moment out of five tests where he’s done something that’s made you think “fucking hell thats inspired”?
It's always nice when The Sun does something that crosses political boundaries in making everyone think, "Wow, what a bunch of absolute cunts"
Unfortunately it isn't everyone, I wish it was. The people who hate the Sun will continue to hate it, the people who buy the Sun will continue to buy it.
It would perhaps be good if the ECB did something like stop Sun reporters access to the England team or something, (I know it isn't the sports team doing this but hey life is hard) but they won't.
in terms of cricket I hate India way more than Australia. Hell, I quite like Australia if truth be told. They play hard and they're good foils for us. I'm not actually as partisan about cricket as I might come across online. But India's team and India's fans are spectacularly annoying.
sadly my one experience with an India crowd was a bit more subdued. 2014 test at Old Trafford, day 3. we hoofed it around for a session and then we knocked them over in their second innings for piss all to win by an innings. I even said to my pal when their first wicket went down (think it was Vijay trapped by Woakes) got "we'll win this today" and the grumpy Indian dad in front of me seemed to agree.
Was that the game where Broad got his nose rearranged?
Dick Pro Tector
Gillespie wouldn't be a bad appointment and he lives here now. That said Sussex aren't doing much. Anthony McGrath could be about to win back to back titles with Essex, who were shite before he turned up. Outside chance of Boof? He was over here this summer.
Called for him at the start of the summer. Are England selectors not following this forum??!! FFS!
One or more men's Test players may be appointed as a 'non-playing player' for The Hundred, seemingly at the ECB's discretion. They will be used in promotional material, but will not train or play.
From a cricinfo article on the Hundred:
Sorry, what?
If they make it then send him his England jersey today.
https://www.cricket365.com/alex-bowden/which-stuart-broad-seven-david-warner-ashes-dismissals-most-enjoyable/
Pure fucking shithousery
Relive the best times
I have no real reaction to Silverwood. He's done well so far and I guess he interviewed well (which could mean he was impressive, or a yes man).
To fill the sports breach I just started playing Cricket Captain 2019 on my phone. Nice start to the WI domestic season with Guyana, 3 wins from 3 in the List A cup. Two of those against WI 'B' (uncontracted players) and Canada though.
Is it good? I might have a go.
She says it's bollocks though, and bystanding woman appears to be smiling. All innocent fun.
I'm definitely not siding with the tabloids.
If Stokes is a cunt his natural cuntishness will get him into more trouble, a la Joey Barton, and adjust from there.
Its not about sides, its about a proven thug being anointed as a ledge because he can entertain with a bat and ball
He punched a guy in defence of two lads getting gay bashed and was EXONARAED in the eyes of the law. One gay basher had a bockle.
Its not about sides, its about a proven thug being anointed as a ledge because he can entertain with a bat and ball
For the second time he’s not a “proven” thug is he? He was found not guilty.
possibility of Kohli going for the test WR here? knocking the Saffers around at 9 an over this session, 240*. they'll probably declare. be a good story, one for the comments page wankers to dine out on.
I mean part of what's going on here, is Bloodwyn wants to be able to sneer and take the high ground. Truth and morality isn't actually what he cares about.
The rest of us don't know for sure what the exact truth is, it may be that he's an abusive arsehole, but I also don't know whether to trust the tabloids on this one.
Aggers is a cunt but I love him
Ranking the toughness of winning a minimum three test series away from home
India
England
New Zealand
South Africa
Not much between the rest, UAE used to be a fortress but retirements mean the test team is poor right now.
Decent win that, OK NZ had no Kane or Boult but England had no Roy, Buttler or Stokes. Quite nice to see Vince do well even if I’m down on him generally, there’s a place in T20 for strokeplayers rather than big hitters and he can get runs at this level where luck often trumps judgement and patience.
What can Lewis Gregory take from today? A cap and a win?
De Grandhomme dairy farming. Neesham Cabs. Southee sports bar and grill.
NZ aren't massive grandstanding dicks at cricket, if anything in this rivalry WE'RE the dicks. That said very funny stuff.
Bit miffed about Bairstow weaving his way back in. Even Aggers was giving it "well he's back in form". AT WHITE BALL CRICKET.
All time best sporting moment for me. It wasn't even about winning. It was about the ultimate last stand fuck you. If img going down immediately going down fighting, except I ain't goin down mother fuckers.
Ali, Roy and Bairstow fucking hell that was suicidal
Hoping Sibley gets 5 runs off 200 balls. Redefine mind numbing wank. Kill the entire game singlehandedly. Drive teenagers to footy and drugs. But be Not the fuck Out
Good to hear Steve Finn continuing the TMS tradition of being a young ex-international player staking a claim of being the most boring communicator alive.
All out 301.
Coney sorting the salt bollocks out. As you would expect.
Wonder if this 16 year old kid will get Smith out down under.
Got 300 grand on him for a going 0 for 123.
Where do I watch Highlights for this without sky? Or even just the wickets?
Holy shit, Warner at 151 not out. They need to give Broad a phone call, just for a few pointers.
Looking forward to waking up tomorrow and seeing the score at NZ 487/6
The death of entertainment.
Someone on TMS made the remarkable revelation that stump mic had caught Jofra screaming “TEST CRICKET” in a New Zealand players face. That’s Partridgeon.
Anyway the bowling tactics were shocking yesterday.
We let Santner score 126?
Fucking hell.
There's something seriously wrong with England if that wasn't obvious already. It was a fucking miracle we drew with the Aussies, they deserved to win comfortably and probably would have if that moron captain hadn't put England into bat in the last test.
We did win the World Cup, different format sure, but would usually suggest a team is quite good.
I'm not a cricket expert
whilst Watling did indeed hit his best ever score, he has a similar average as Sangakkara when playing as a wk/batsman (Sanga averages 66 as a batsman) and ranks only a little under the best ever wk/bats of all time.
also drew that series, got caned in the 2nd test.
anyway, back to real cricket - CaB favourite Rakheem Cornwall just took 7-75 against Afghanistan in a test on neutral ground in Lucknow. must be a raging bunsen as WI are playing 3 spinners.
highlights: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3FBzRq-amw
Yeah, it was a bit. I did find it quite compelling though, and watching Trott at the end in tears was hard going.
ok, scoreboard looks a bit less terrible now Latham is gone.
Warner's celebrations are like watching a grown man patting himself on the back for beating up a small child.
It is on the same level as that Nev Southall/Michael Owen clip.
The crowd should have been chanting CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT or even DIE DIE DIE the grovelling set of hypocrites and bullies.
All very calm and controlled today, stage beautifully set for Root to reach 76 then lob a cut straight to deep point provoking a collapse from 178/3 to 244 all out.
I quite like Burns (facial hair aside), his technique is repulsive obviously but he’s got some grit and determination about him.
Remember the gold old days when a debutant could come in almost without pressure?
I quite like Burns (facial hair aside), his technique is repulsive obviously but he’s got some grit and determination about him.
https://youtu.be/qWtCUKwaTgUGatting at least had the excuse of sun in his eyes.
This drop was about a thousand times more difficult to fuck up.
Much funnier two given it was rotund full AIDS era apartheid rebel Gatting.
RIP Bob Willis
He’ll be moaning in heaven now.
So it appears Moeen has decided to fuck off test cricket for the foreseeable future. Complete AIDS with the bat but that’s fucked us for a half competent spinner no. As much as I love the fucking slaphead he can’t bowl spin very well can he?
Stats wise, one of the worst records of English all rounders to have played so many tests. Fooled a few sides with his spin at home, started off OK with the bat. But been toilet for a long time.
Labuschagne gets another 100. Solid lad.
I like Swann but he'd upset this dressing room of solid Head Boy types.
Wagner strikes with the old ball again after like 9hrs of trying, this guy is an inspirational figure to any bowler imo. line. and. fucking. length.
Yeah he's a beast. Australia are gonna be unbeatable with those two and the bowlers staying fit.Aye. Not sure we'll have to wait 16 years again to regain the Ashes but it's going to be a while the way they're shaping up.
presume hyped Kiwi tyro Lockie 'Blackshoes' Ferguson is crocked? 11 overs and a load for Jeet Raval?
fascinating test though so far.
Was it?
We chose to bowl first? - fucksake.
What’s the black armbands for now?
No TMS? Fuck Talksport. Dodgy Sky streams all the way down.
I don't understand this "cricket social" thing they do and why they do it instead. Just interminable.
Oh fuck. I'd forgotten about Andy Zaltzman.
Why did we put them in. Batting on this 4th innings is gonna be a right fuck on.
Curran still AIDS-free at this moment but under attack
Root’s poor field placings cost them: half of SA’s runs came from edges through third slip.
“One thing we’ll look at is building a batting group that can bat long periods of time, stack the runs up and put pressure on the opposition....”
Last 7 wickets fell for 39 runs there.
The same mistakes and failures over and over again, isn’t it?
The problem is our idea of test batting, is to play defensively for a few overs, and then start swinging madly...there's a bit more to it than that.
Yes.
Sibley sadly looking totally out of his depth
Denly limited, actually frightening that his 50s are the highlight
Buttler not a test player
Bairstow an absolute joke - aids vortex
Archer underperforming with the bat
It's basically Curran and a load of diarrhoea paedophile aids wraiths
Stop trying to work around Root's delicate ego and replace him. Clear the decks.
Jonathan Agnew
BBC cricket correspondent in Centurion
England will take some positives away from this, but there are still some issues in that camp. Pope has been ill; people won't like the shot that Jonny Bairstow; Joe Root's finger - is that going to be alright?
Daniel Fenton: If in the post match interview/autopsy I hear from anyone in the England camp talk about "taking positives from the game" I am going to combust into flames
Thing is, cheap wickets have been given away there, but this was... okay for a 4th innings.
That really could have played out so differently if we'd batted first.
Well, not really - England would just have collapsed embarrassingly at a different point of the game.
England appear to be unable to get them in singles and twos. A block, a boundary or out are their three options.
Yes, the wickets were largely self-inflicted but South Africa applied pressure and England don't have the skills to grind these games out.