Chip Shop Terminator

[Goldentony]

OK, so i came up with this idea that i fully intend to send to Greg Dyke with the hope of it getting comissioned on TV. The premise is that The Terminator would be working in a chip shop down the Old Kent Road or wherever the fuck. I forget how he gets there, some sort of time hole or whatever happens in those films. Anyway, every week he'd be answering customers requests with various Terminator quotes and mannerisms like -

"WHAT DYOU WANT WITH YOUR KEBAB LOVE, MAYO OR...BULLETS"

"I'LL BE BACK..I'M JUST GOING TO DELIVER THIS ORDER TO MR MAN"

"HAVE YOU SEEN THIS, BOY, ITS A FUCKING HUGE PIZZA"

"TODAYS SPECIAL IS PASTA AND PESTO, BABY"

"IT IS IN MY NATURE TO KEEP THE OVEN HYGENIC"

It's all very well and good with a basic idea but it needs to be fleshed out, much like the terminators exoskeleton needed to be to pass for a human. I know CAB is full of writers so I need your help.

[Zero Gravitas]

"I NEED YOUR UNIFORM, TRAINERS AND YOUR MOPED"

Possibly include a final shot of the terminator's hand (in a thumbs up gesture) slowly sinking into a bubbling vat of chip fat?

[Pseudopath]

"THE MORE CONTACT I HAVE WITH HUMANS, THE MORE I EARN"

"NO. THERE IS ONE MORE CHIP" [points to the hot cupboard]

[Goldentony]

"I NEED YOUR UNIFORM, TRAINERS AND YOUR MOPED"

Possibly include a final shot of the terminator's hand (in a thumbs up gesture) slowly sinking into a bubbling vat of chip fat?

Yes, this is an excellent

Spoiler alert

ending to the series

[close]

I have re-written the atomic blast sequence to include Sarah Connor dreaming about opening the oven door too fast, so we have the middle and the end sorted!

[biggytitbo]

The TURBOT-nator.

[Mythical Wet Patch]

The oven should be a time travelling portal and he plays a vital part in catering the war between man and machine. This can cause all sorts of 'hillarious' mix-up's.

"Oh no! I sent the four cheese with extra Montgomery Jack to the human resistance and the Haiwaian to Doctor Sedgling at the Twamwick surgery. Doctor Sedgling hates pineapple! It reminds him of Hawaii! This will play on his mind, he won't be able to concentrate and he'll fail to diagnose the rheumatism Mrs Damstick has, which would be a disaster as she's due to give birth the to saviour of the human race who is currently chowing down on that four cheese thirty years in the future. If she dosen't get diagnosed, she'll die, he won't exist, that four cheese will go to waste and we won't be paid! That'll be £5.25 down the drain! Quick to the moped!"

[Slaaaaabs]

"GRILL OUT, DIP COD"

very shit

[Zero Gravitas]

Could the Terminator convince a toppings researcher to blow up pizzeria where he works by using a combat knife to skin and fillet a haddock?

[Guy]

ZE TOPPING COULD BE CALLED "CHEESE"

[biggytitbo]

Haddock La Vista Baby.

Do we get to see the Terminators bum at the beginning? That's my favorite bit in all 3 films.

[biggytitbo]

The Terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you have bought 3 cod and chips, 2 battered sausages, a pickled egg and a patty.

[Goldentony]

Could the Terminator convince a toppings researcher to blow up pizzeria where he works by using a combat knife to skin and fillet a haddock?

I think he could convince him with this

[Zero Gravitas]

Wonderful GT!

[Mythical Wet Patch]

Do we get to see the Terminators bum at the beginning? That's my favorite bit in all 3 films.

A hungry customer will be scanning the heated glass cabinet. He passes the pies, the sausages, the jumbo sausages, there's a burst of blue electricity...suddenly an arse is tightly wedged into the gap between the fish and the fried mars bars.

[Goldentony]

A hungry customer will be scanning the heated glass cabinet. He passes the pies, the sausages, the jumbo sausages, there's a burst of blue electricity...suddenly an arse is tightly wedged into the gap between the fish and the fried mars bars.

An angry biker could slowly stub out a hot kebab on his muscles

[alan nagsworth]

COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO SEE OUR HEALTH AND SAFETY CERTIFICATES IN NICE WOODEN FRAMES

[biggytitbo]

A hungry customer will be scanning the heated glass cabinet. He passes the pies, the sausages, the jumbo sausages, there's a burst of blue electricity...suddenly an arse is tightly wedged into the gap between the fish and the fried mars bars.

That would be excellent!

Someone really should make a compilation of just those bits where you get to see the Terminators bum at the beginning of the first 3 films. Those bits are outstanding.

[Slaaaaabs]

"NICE NIGHT FOR SOME ROCK"

[biggytitbo]

The best bit about where you get to see the Terminators bum at the beginning of the first 3 films is you can actually see his arse!

[Lt Plonker]

Would there be some sort of moral thrust with each episode? Maybe he could learn something about humans and their ways at the end of each episode.

[Mythical Wet Patch]

An angry biker could slowly stub out a hot kebab on his muscles

Sure, The Terminator will turn his head awkwardly to the biker with the kebab, arse still squeezed in the cabinet, and remind him of the rest of the order he has outstanding. "I need your chip cones, your beans and your roto-spike-swell" (he means donna meat, but he's new to this world). All the other bikers in the chip shop laugh uproariously, hungry biker replies "You forgot to say peas". Kebab stubbing commences.

Would there be some sort of moral thrust with each episode? Maybe he could learn something about humans and their ways at the end of each episode.

I don't know, cooking then learning something new and important each week about real humans and their behaviour is Jamie Oliver's schtick.

[Desi Rascal]

Reese:The 600 series Savloys had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look pukka... sweet, bad for your health,chewy knot on the end everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he bit into it before I could zero on him.
Sarah Connor: Look... I am not stupid, you know. They cannot make things like that yet.
Kyle Reese: Not yet. Not for about 40 years.
Sarah Connor: Are you saying it's from the future?
Kyle Reese: One possible future. From your point of view... I don't know tech stuff.
Sarah Connor: Then you're saying you're from the future, too. Is that right?
Kyle Reese: Right.
Sarah Connor: Right.
Kyle Reese:well technically i'm from Harry Ramsdens

[Phil_A]

The Terminator responds to some disgruntled customers:
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR PIES?"

[Ginyard]

BATTER DA FISHTA BABY

yeaht hats pretty shit/

[the midnight watch baboon]

GLUTEN FREE TUESDAY IS INEVITABLE

^{our local chippy has gluten free Tuesdays}

[chocky909]

There could be a bit where someone questions how fresh the fish is and the Terminator could grab a piece of battered cod and hold it up, then get a knife and cut down one side, then peel the batter coating down, exposing the white fish. You'd preferably have a couple that look like Miles Dyson and his wife screaming in horror while he does it.

"Viene turboto"
"What did he say?"
"He said there's a turbot coming."

[Ginyard]

He's a fucking PIE-BORG!

[the midnight watch baboon]

YOU SHOULD HAVE ORDERED THE PIE ON ENTERING... ASSHOLE


^snigger!

[Desi Rascal]

have we established that as well as working in a chip shop, the terminator is also using a variety of Fast Food delivery vehicles to pursue Sarah Connor? Because i for one would like to see the Terminator recreating the scene in which he crashes into the police foyer redone using an Ice Cream Van.

[Ginyard]

The Sara Lee chronicles

I've been half-watching the terminator on VHS for 20 mins now. Its still compelling but seems quite dated in many ways.

I reckon I'd be a good terminator if I was taller, more heavily built and intimidating. All you've got to do is look cold and distant.