Choose your own Jamesventure

[MrsWarboysLover]

You step through the curtains, sweat pouring down your brow. You feel exhausted after tonight's show.
You can hear the chatter of the crew, and the sound of equipment being moved around. "Mr Corden - Mr. Corden, sir?" but you brush it off with a wave of your hand.
As you make your way back to your dressing room, something catches your attention - a smell. Through a mysterious door, not quite closed, comes the source of your olfactory pleasure. It looks like someone's dressing room, but you're not sure who was using it tonight.
The delicious scent of food wafts through the air, and your nasal hairs stand on end and become erect. You sniff again - it smells heavenly. Gingerly, you open the ajar door and spot a table laden with food. A giant pile of brownies that look homemade and irregular, but very appealing, are piled on a tray. You also spy a large cake adjacent on the table.
You tiptoe into the room and carefully close the door behind you. "Daddy likey!" you whisper under your breath. Do you:
A: Eat the brownies?
B: Eat the cake?
C: Eat both?

[MrsWarboysLover]

YOU HAVE SELECTED A: EAT THE BROWNIES

As you edge closer towards the table, your chubby face lights up with glee. You salivate wildly, and your breathing becomes shallower and shallower, so overcome by frisson and excitement you can barely contain yourself. You take a deep breath.
"easy, big fella" you say. Still trembling, but more under control, a single, bloated index finger descends on the plate of brownies, like a cumberland sausage going abseiling. As soon as you've made contact with the brownie, you scoop a sampler upwards towards your mouth and then - you start sucking on your finger like there's no tomorrow.
"mmmmhmm that's a mighty fine morsel!" you cry, lapsing into ebonics. You continue to dig in with a solitary digit at first, repeating the ritual, then graduate to picking up an entire brownie at a time. As your fervor increases, so does the pace at which you ingest, eventually grabbing handfuls of the stuff, and tilting your head back and opening your jaw to receive the payload. You inadvertently moan, and that's when you're rumbled."Hello - is someone in there?"
You stand still, like a morbidly obese deer caught in inadequately sized headlights.

Your choices are:
A: You try to stay quiet
B: You try to run to the door and block it from being opened
C: You try to stand in front of the table to block the food from view, then answer

[Fambo Number Mive]

C

[MrsWarboysLover]

YOU HAVE SELECTED C: You try to stand in front of the table to block the food from view, then answer

You shuffle your enormous bulk in front of the table. Your generous circumference and spherical nature provides a sort of human eclipse that hides the table from view. You hastily wipe the chocolate crumbs from your mouth, and then let out a weak "hello?"
The door opens, and Paul McCartney steps in.
"Hey man! Great show tonight. I thought our segment went really well, you know? I really dig doing your show, man."
"OH that is SO wonderful to hear" you reply, but your enthusiasm sounds even more insincere than usual, and Paul wobbles his head inquisitively.
"I'm surprised you're here, dude. But I wanted to invite you in, actually. Today's a sort of a milestone for me."
You lick your lips nervously to remove any remaining traces of your crime. Paul wobbles his head again, and you aren't sure if he's sussed you out or not.
"You see," he continues "Linda made me a batch of vegan brownies, you know? And I've been saving them for years, waiting for an opportunity to eat them. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, you know, until now, you know. You know? I was going to share them with you, because I think you're such a good guy, you know?"
You gulp nervously. You finished off the entire plate seconds before Paul got there.

Do you:
A: Try and distract Paul
B: Lie about what happened to the brownies
C: Begin eating the cake

[Ray Travez]

A

[MrsWarboysLover]

YOU HAVE SELECTED: A: Try and distract Paul

Suddenly, you know exactly what you need to do. Your pudgy fingers start snapping, clicking rhythmically. Your belly begins to sway to the beat, and even your feet begin to get involved. Paul looks confused, but crucially, he also looks interested. Almost in spite of himself, his head wobbling begins oscillating in time with your rhythm.
You open your mouth, waggle your eyebrows, and begin to sing with your trademark shit-eating grin.
"She was just - AH - seventeen! You-a know, what I me-heen!"
Paul raises his eyebrows and gives you two thumbs up.
"Sing it, James!"
"and the way she looked; was way beyond compare!"
Paul tilts his head back and lets out a high pitched "WOOOOOO!!!" He joins in on the chorus, and you both belt it out at the top of your lungs.
"So how could I dance with another, oh, when I saw her standing there!"
While this is happening, you put your arms around Paul's shoulders and begin to shuffle him out of the room, disguising it as a dance. At this point, Paul is fully involved in the music, and he happily complies. You soft shoe shuffle out successfully, and manage to close the door.
"Great singing, man! So, how about those brownies now?"
Your instincts as a talk show host kick in, and you bellow "AHAHAHAHAA" back in response to his question like it was the funniest thing in the world. This buys you the time you need to formulate a plan.
"Sir. Paul before we do, could you do me a favour? It would mean SO much to me." you gasp out fatly.
"Sure, just say the word."
"Could you write me a song?"
"Of course!"
"But using the piano in the rehearsal room backstage?"
"No problem!"
Paul practically tap dances down the corridor, humming and letting out loud "doot de doo" noises as he makes his way to the piano.
The immediate crisis has been averted, but now what? It's still so hard to think; despite all those brownies you ate, your belly rumbles with insatiable hunger.
Do you
A: Try and think of someone else you can blame this on
B: Try and find some replacement brownies
C: Go back in and eat the cake

[Fambo Number Mive]

B

[MrsWarboysLover]

YOU HAVE CHOSEN B: Try and find some replacement brownies

You decide to buy some brownies. Then you suddenly realise what that would mean - interacting with members of the public.
A shiver of horror runs through your body at the thought, and the aftershock ripples through your flab.
It's not worth speaking to the plebs unless it's a publicity stunt, and you toy with the idea of grabbing a camera man and filming a "JAMES CORDEN BUYING BROWNIES" segment, but you quickly realise Paul would be sharp enough to put two and two together if he watched the next show. Still, you think to yourself, not a bad idea for a segment, and you mentally take note to return to it when you have more time.

You rack your brains, then it dawns on you - just last week, you were screaming at the Late Late show kitchen staff to stock more snacks. And what's more, you think you can remember brownies being mentioned in your tirade. Buoyed by this thought, you begin waddling quickly towards to the kitchen.

As you push open the door to the kitchen, your heart sinks. You are greeted by the sight of your old nemesis, Patrick Stewart. Against your wishes, he had been booked for the Late Late show, and you were hoping to avoid him.
He turns to you with a knowing smile, and in his sonorous tones declares "Ah, I thought you might show up here James."
There's a twinkle in his eye you find very unsettling, and you can't help wondering if somehow he knows what happened.

Do you:
A: Ignore Patrick Stewart and look for brownies in the kitchen
B: Try and talk to Patrick Stewart to work out whether he knows what you did
C: Leave the kitchen to avoid Patrick Stewart and think of a new plan

[Ray Travez]

If I'm allowed it, D- try to punch Patrick Stewart in the face

otherwise B

[MrsWarboysLover]

I'll see what I can do

YOU HAVE SELECTED B: Try and talk to Patrick Stewart to work out whether he knows what you did

"You thought you might find me here?" you ask casually.
You know he gets under your skin, so you try to keep your temper and tread lightly. But Patrick just keeps smiling and staring.
"Why yes, James. The kitchen. Every fat boy's paradise."
Your heart starts pounding and your chest tightens. Patrick continues.
"I suppose during the whole show tonight all you could think about was cake, and ice cream. Crisps and pudding. Look at the size of you! You're a big celebrity now James. Maybe one of the biggest."
You take a deep breath and respond.
"If you've got something to say, then say it. If you don't, I'll ask you to leave the kitchen."
Patrick laughs.
"Why? So there's more food left for you? You really are a greedy boy, James."
"Say what you have to say, then leave."
"Oh, I'll say what I have to say. But I know your chubby little secret, James."
You can't hide your anger any longer. Swelling up like a big balloon, you try to puff your chest out towards Patrick, but your belly does most of the heavy lifting. You get aggressively close to Sir. Pat's face and start repeating "GO ON. GO ON. GO ON."
Patrick appears unfazed, but his smirk intensifies.
"I know," he says, slowly and deliberately "A little fat boy that fancies the Jonas Brothers - "
He seems like he's going to say more, but you see red and swing a chubby fist at his head. He stares for a second, as if in shock, then collapses on the floor. You look down and can see he's still breathing, so you put it out of your mind for now.
You quickly rifle through the kitchen, and hit paydirt. A container full of brownies. Your belly rumbles.
Do you:
A: Take the brownies back to Paul's dressing room
B: Do something about Patrick Stewart lying unconscious
C: Grab a snack while you're in the kitchen

[Ray Travez]

A seems like the best course of action, so C

[MrsWarboysLover]

YOU HAVE SELECTED C: Grab a snack while you're in the kitchen

Your big belly rumbles. You definitely need a snack.
You lift up your shirt to look at your gut wobble, and shriek with laughter as it ripples.
"You've bought me fame and fortune, my old friend. If it weren't for you I'd be nowhere. Who am I to neglect you, eh?"
You know you shouldn't take too long, so you cut up a cake that you find in the fridge, shove a few slices in your mouth, and put the remaining pieces in your jacket and trouser pockets. So giddy with glee at the food and all your plans coming together, you don't mind the mess it makes, and you end up with traces of crumbs and icing smeared on your face and clothing.
You grab the container of brownies and turn around, and then you notice that Patrick Stewart has become conscious, and has his phone pointed at you
"Say hello, James. We're all so thrilled to be invited to one of your midnight feasts. Tell the boys and girls at home all about it."
You freeze. You're very close to securing a major role in a romantic comedy as the lead character's fat best friend. You would even have a subplot with a romance of your own.
If this photo or video gets out there and "goes viral", it could do some major damage to all the hard work you've put in to change your image, and you could lose this opportunity.
You suspect that Patrick Stewart is streaming the video live, so the damage might already be done. Not only that, but time is of the essence in getting the brownies back to Paul.

Do you:
A: Ignore Patrick Stewart, and head to Paul's room
B: Pretend to the viewers that this is a "bit" you're in on
C: Try and disarm the phone off Patrick Stewart

[Ray Travez]

C