Sideboard Bastard

[shiftwork2]

You need a new sideboard so get yourself down to Sideboard Bastard on the A47, great sideboard deals

[Huxleys Babkins]

I went down to Sideboard Bastard and I couldn't believe the deals they had!

This brown one *gestures* just £479!

And this slightly more beige one with the weird looking handles? *gestures* Take it home today for just £199!

You can put stuff in 'em, you can put stuff on 'em, you can unscrew the legs and shove them right up your fat fuckin arse, exclusively at SIDEBOARD BASTARD.

[The Dog]

Honestly I was expecting a good deal, but the range of choice was STAGGERING. Sideboard Bastard has completely changed the sideboard game.

[The Dog]

Bought a luxury sideboard for my side, and they threw in a sideboard for my car at no extra cost! Unbelievable.

[Twit 2]

Went to Cabinet Munter on the A140 recently but nothing doing.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Need a jingle?

🎸 I dont care, I dont care, I dont care if he comes round here
     I got my Sideboard Bastard here, let mother sort it out
     If he comes round here 🎸

[shiftwork2]

They are the absolute tits at throwing things in.  I opened my car boot and Sideboard Mick personally threw in a load of horse waste.

[Huxleys Babkins]

SIDEBOARD BASTARD NOW INCORPORATING TALLBOY UNIVERSE

[Ferris]

Right well this post contains zero whimsy but now I've got a fucking sideboard in the front room as of Wednesday I didn't want because the wife asked if we should take one [relative] was giving away and I gave a (I thought quite cleverly evasive) response of "I don't think so, but if you can tell me where you think it should go we can talk about it".

Next thing I know some fat fuck and his halfwit son from the movers is knocking on the door asking where I want it. "Oh I thought we should take it" she says from upstairs, so now I have to wrangle with these morons who ask for tips at the end of the process (I told them to fuck off the absolute wideboys, carrying stuff out a van into the front room and wanting a bit more on top of the outrageous delivery fee - that I paid - is jokeshop territory).

She comes down once Dumbo and Sons have fucked off: "oh, it is a bit big isn't it? Do you think it should go there? Though hmm not sure where else to put it really".

Our front room is hardly massive so now I have this mammoth oaken cunt looming down on me every time I walk in from the hall. I'm going to smash it to bits with a hatchet the second she goes out for an afternoon and blame it on termites and/or the boy (not decided), then stick it in the neighbours skip under cover of night.

[PlanktonSideburns]

That's great news ferris, congratulations!

[Ferris]

That's great news ferris, congratulations!

You can fuck off an all.

Though if you're a dab band with some glue and know when my neighbours are out I know a way you can get a massive sideboard gratis.

[shiftwork2]

See, if you'd gone to see Mick and told him I sent you you wouldn't have had any of this caper.

A cautionary tale.

[Huxleys Babkins]

No, the tallboys aren't just sideboards with the legs snapped off and propped up on their ends. These are the highest quality furniture. Come down today and have a look for yourself, you fucking moron.

[Huxleys Babkins]

I promise you wont find a better dweal; nomt today, not tomorrowm,not at fucking workd of furknigture, not any fucking where,s o don't fukin start, aright?

[Huxleys Babkins]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKIN SIDEBOARDS MATE

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Loved it until the chains started popping up, then moving into different markets of sideboard need.

SIDEBOARD INFANTICIDE - No, it was rubbish
SIDEBOARD AIDS WALLIES - Again, just no

Why do they always end up getting greedy and push things too far

[Huxleys Babkins]

Think of a sideboard as a chaise longue that your crystal glasses and nice decanter set can have a nice lay down on, but inside and behind a door and your mum's nice silver service and place mats can go in there as well and maybe she can put her record player on top, I don't know, but think of it like that, please.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Please think of it like that.

[shiftwork2]

Nightstand Neutron Bomb on the A146 is in no way connected with Sideboard Bastard.  Mick has just whatsapped me and asked me to clarify.  Happy to clarify.

[Huxleys Babkins]

No, wait, there's no chaise longues here. It's just sideboards. The clue's in the name: Sideboard Bastard now incorporating Tallboy Universe.

[Huxleys Babkins]

And Tallboys because of the incorporation, of course.

[Huxleys Babkins]

We do have tallboys, I must point that out. The finest tallboys on the A47, and sideboards, but not chaise longues. You can't get those here, please. It was just a metaphor, I'm sorry.

[Huxleys Babkins]

It's a good metaphor, though. I make no apologies for the quality of that.

Nor do I make any apologies for the quality of our sideboards which are the best in the business: GUARANTEED.

[Huxleys Babkins]

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, SIDEYBO-OARDS, SIDEYBOARDS FOR YOUUUUUUUUU.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Just pointing out now that song is a pastiche of the famous sanitary towel ads from the 90s and not saying that we sell something called "sideyboards". You can cut that shit out now. They're called SIDEBOARDS.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Sideboard
Sideboard, sideboard
Sideboard, sideboard
Sideboard

SIDEBOARD BASTARD

[Huxleys Babkins]

YES!!!!

And there are "NO LIMITS" to the savings you'll make!

[Huxleys Babkins]

If anything, you could say the savings are 2UNLIMITED (too unlimited)!!!

[Huxleys Babkins]

Just been down to DFS to look at their sideboards. Save yourself a trip, son, it's all fucking shite down there. And that's the Sideboard Bastard promise.

[shiftwork2]

Dreadful Fucking Sideboards.