Things your dad is still doing.

[Glebe]

And yet

Mr. Snetterton always gives you a funny look when he's out sweeping the path.I mean, your dad is insane but MUD STICKS.

[Pink Gregory]

Your dad off to B&Q for a tin of Hammerite.

He thought it was one of those super strength lagers.

Still, it'll keep the rust off him for now.

[Glebe]

"SON I'M SORRY I'M STUCK IN TRAFFIC I WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT FOR DINNER!"

"But [your wife's name] has slaved for hours cooking it, Dad!"

"TELL [your wife's name] I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T MAKE IT!"

"Okay Dad but you're going to have to make more of an effort if you want to get back in her good books."

"I WILL SON I PROM- NORM PUT THAT REMOTE DOWN, I'M WATCHING EMMERDALE!"

"You're at home aren't you? You're not in the car. You never intended to come."

"Son I have problems. DROP THAT REMOTE NORM!"

[PlanktonSideburns]

You have to explain shadow banning to your dad after he starts complaining that the Steve Hoffman forum is totally dead these days

[Glebe]

"Son of been watching old clips of Waybuloo - remember that?! - on YouTube and I reckon there's a lot of really inappropriate stuff in it you wouldn't get away with now."

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad has a bag of marshmallows hung on the back of the toilet door.

[Glebe]

Your dad is on the phone your somewhat gentile great aunt.

"Alright Hilda mate I'll tell you what I'm sweating balls in this heat!"

[drummersaredeaf]

"Still never heard of Toyah Wilcox, 'I Want to Be Free' was not my favourite song in my late '20s, WAY before my time! Slipknot rocks!"

Your dad's Slipknot obsession has seen him trying to catch a crow to put in a jar.

Spoiler alert

I don't think the music lot want to hear about our dad :(

[close]

[Glebe]

"iPad, play my favorite movie, The New Mutants! iPad!"

[Glebe]

"Son I'm gonna dance like nobody's watching!"

"Okay dad but we're in the middle of Hyde Park during the hottest summer on record. And you're stark naked of course."

[Kankurette]

Your dad is frying an egg on Norm's head.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad is going nuts because you've brought him 2x12 cans of Carlsberg rather than a 24 pack.

[Glebe]

Every time you pass your dad he does a 'wanking' hand gesture, even at funerals.

[Glebe]

"Gotta go Dad, the wife and I are going out tonight."

"Oh!" cries your dad in a sarcastic tone, "Off to a Saturday Night Live after party? Or meeting Bruno Mars for a couple of drinks? Fancy!"

"Um, no Dad, we're just going for a quiet meal."

"Oh! Dining with Elton John perhaps? Or maybe having a burger with Keith Lemon?"

"Dad what are you on about? I don't know any famous people!"

"Oh no of course not... but you've gotten really up yourself ever since you spotted Syd Little in the local shop!"

"No Dad my neighbour saw him. Anyway that's not particularly strange."

"Oh no, the likes of ye see celebs EVERY DAY! Go on, be off with you!"

The phone rings just as you you're leaving (in a perplexed state).

"Norm? What's up mate?"

"You'll never guess who's here in the pub! It's only Ben Shepard off Tipping Point."

Your dad scoffs. "Small potatoes Norm. Call me back when Ricky Martin stops by."

[Glebe]

Somewhat hypocritically your dad has started wearing his coat in the house after years of telling you not to do it (because you'll "miss it").

Turns out it is so he can pretend he is "just leaving the house!" when Norm calls around.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad sees the new Barbie with a hearing aid and says 'What next?! One with half an arm?!'.

Next time you go round he's got a hacksaw and a shed full of plastic parts.

[Glebe]

Your dad is in foul humour.

"Come on Dad, let's go for a pint."

"Oh no, don't mind me son! You just go and play your squid's games!"

[PlanktonSideburns]

Real life one, Your Dads in screwfix with His Son, looking desperate

Me: sorry, we don't have any of the Z-carpet strips in silver in at the moment, toolstation over the roads out too.

Your dad: (to His Son) Your Mum's going to bloody KILL US

[Glebe]

Real life one, Your Dads in screwfix with His Son, looking desperate

Me: sorry, we don't have any of the Z-carpet strips in silver in at the moment, toolstation over the roads out too.

Your dad: (to His Son) Your Mum's going to bloody KILL US

Ha, great!

[Glebe]

Your dad is listening to The Best of the Scorpions on MiniDisc.

[Glebe]

Norm is trying to enjoy Calamity Jane on Film4 while your dad spends most of the afternoon moving the settee around.

"Think it might be better back near the lampshade. Give us a hand Norm."

"Fuck sake mate sit down and enjoy Doris Days' antics!"

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad is trying to usurp the president of the Sarah Lancashire fan club so that more prominence can be given to the Coronation Street years in the quarterly email.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad has a alarm set to recur at 11am daily:

HAVE A WANK

[Glebe]

"Fancy a curry lads?" inquires your dad, "It's on me!"

"You're splashing out a bit!" comments Norman.

"Business has been good of late Norm!"

"What's this Dad, you've got something going have you?"

"Yes son, bored with retirement I've decided to raid the attic and sell all your Star Wars toys on eBay!"

"What?!? You have no right to sell those Dad!"

"Should have taken them with you when you moved out, son," smirks your father.

"Good old y'dad," chuckles Norm, "he's always scheming, there's always a buck to be made!"

As he stares trance-like with that annoying grin you suddenly come to the realisation that you really hate Norman.

[KaraokeDragon]

You overhear your dad describing his stools as 'feature length' while on the phone to the triage nurse.

[Pink Gregory]

Norman files a superinjunction.

"Now, son, you should hear this from me, all I did was [kshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]"

[frajer]

You find your dad sitting in evident discomfort and he tells you Norman's said he's not allowed to piss out of his cock until the hosepipe ban's over.

[Glebe]

Your dad is refusing to touch the lemon sponge your wife baked for him.

"She's tried to poison me before, remember that meal we went out for?!?"

"Dad, are you saying she poisoned a meal you had in a restaurant?"

"Oh yeah heh heh that's a bit irrational... alright son, pop the kettle on, I'll get the cake slicer!"

"None for me thanks I'm, er, on a diet."

Your dad's Food Taster (Norm) is not present and the arsenic finishes him off in no time.

[frajer]

Your dad is having his Friday night treat of a jar of pickled onions, followed by a jar of glacé cherries, followed by guffing for an hour.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad winds down your window and shouts YOU'RE SHIT AT IT at a cyclist you're overtaking.