Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 29, 2024, 12:58:12 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Desolation: The Malignant Seven

Started by Ferris, February 21, 2022, 03:00:48 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

shoulders

Your stipend of frog guts is scattered to the four winds

jenna appleseed

Quote from: shoulders on February 22, 2022, 10:13:57 AMNot being able to get your daughter into an excellent school because of The Kerryman.

Don't pay the Kerryman til you get to the other school. (Chris DeBurgs considers etc.)

shoulders

Your cordial is described by Britain's foremost cordial sommelier as 'at the apex of all that is patience-testing wank'.

The Bumlord

A particularly strenuous battle against a bout of constipation causes life-changing injuries

Sherringford Hovis

"What you got for lunch?"

"Turkey and stuffing sandwich."

Nickname of 'Father Christmas' echoed far beyond the drizzly Year Five middle-school trip to the Weald and Downland Living Museum, all through secondary school and infuriatingly long into your kitchen-fitting apprenticeship.

It wasn't even turkey, it was chicken roll - Nan only told you it was turkey to cheer you up because they said that Mum couldn't look after you any more after Dad got taken away. You kept asking everyone when your little sister would be coming back, but nobody ever gave you a straight answer; Nan just said "Soon!" with brittle brightness and everyone else just kept changing the subject.

shoulders

Stelrad cunts Doulton up the shitter

shoulders

You are deplatformed by an alliance of bakers for sedition.

shoulders

Losing your turbo chicken abortion down the back of the war crime.

Spoon of Ploff

The International Astronomical Union calls to say that the star they named after you has been struck down with AIDS.

dex

A mad dash to the toilet and someone has done a breacher (where the turd mound protrudes above the water line). You drop yer keks and go anyway. So wrong yet so right

Glebe

Farts smell like stink bombs, there's a real liquid nightmare brewing in there!

shoulders

Your plan to establish a dynasty named after Dwemer ruins is scuppered by being an infertile gay cunt.

the midnight watch baboon

You're all wanked out
And Bet Fred's been
You're waking up to Sunday Brunch

batwings

Justin Lee Collins has infiltrated your one-man nuclear fallout shelter and is writing a list of rules on his stomach.

Ferris

Your sitcom pilot is described as "not really what we're looking for" by the head of BBC Three.

jenna appleseed

real life Radio 2 deso -
Paul O'Grady's replacement is a poundshop Rylan for toddlers.

they had a listener on the phone bragging about being a Batman fan since they were 14, and they're in there 40s now (so since it was trendy with Batman Forever then?), and how they've just wasted £300 having a Batman party celebrating the release of a new Batman film. she's officially Geek Of the Week now and there's nothing you can do about it.

Also Poundshop Rylan apparently challenged somebody called Claire to finish building a shed only for them to (allegedly) lie about them and their mates etc. finishing building the shed during the programme, and sending him dodgy photos of a random shed probably from a garden centre website. (Actually pretty funny but I'm laughing at  your expense Mr. Presenter.)


jenna appleseed

Poundshop ryland is apparently actually the 'comedian' rob Beckett " wringing the last drops of fun from the weekend, and collecting positive energy to help launch us all into Monday in the best possible mood!" but I think radio 2 might be lying to me.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0014wr3

shoulders

Your suicide note written in Grout Reviver fails to convey the intended message 'Don't tell Eileen about the kids aspect - cheers'

Glebe

Will Self is behind you in the shopping queue brandishing a packet of gold grain biscuits in a threatening manner. His countenance is filled with rage.

Spoon of Ploff

you struggle to recall what swede tastes like

Glebe


shoulders

A dawn bugler finds her career to be somewhat preordained.

shoulders

The final line of your exciting new screenplay is:

'I just want to simulate golf!'

buttgammon

After nuking your life, you end up stuck in the Al Jazeera YouTube chat, arguing about whether India or Pakistan should be excised from existence.

Spoon of Ploff

as armageddon approaches all that's left for you to do is binge watch episodes of Bergerac

pancreas

^ That is a Desolation subtweet of BlodwynPig if ever there were one.

Hex Triplet

All excited about the new Abba tour. Turns out your wife bought tickets for an abattoir tour.

Glebe

Y'local butcher serves you up a maggoty side of beef whilst referring to you as "the most annoying and ugly customer I have ever had the displeasure to cast my eyeballs upon."

Spoon of Ploff

Quote from: pancreas on March 01, 2022, 08:53:00 PM^ That is a Desolation subtweet of BlodwynPig if ever there were one.

maybe, but i'm still struggling emotionally having recently watched an episode called "Campaign For Silence." in it was a scene in a hotel room which contained every possible tint of brown visible to the naked eye and beyond... including infrabrown and ultabrown.


jenna appleseed


Bloke on the Jeremy Vine show talking about how horrible it is 'they're bombing Keef'

Starmer is shitting himself.