Desolation: The Malignant Seven

[Twit 2]

Your shrine to Max Hardcore is unceremoniously toppled by your panting mother, to make way for a 'proper sesh like' with local snooker legend Dave Scratby.

[Glebe]

Arrested dressed as Mr. Blobby on the way to a fancy dress party in Bootle. Wanking in public.

[Chicory]

John Nettles condemns ITV as 'haters of white men' after his pitch for a show starring himself as Sting's right hand man falls on deaf ears.

[Huxleys Babkins]

You're barred from your local after a debate over which Simply Red lineup was best turns violent.

[Ferris]

A 19 hour helicopter tour of a repressive gulf petrostate piloted and narrated by Michael Owen.

[Ferris]

"Mother, this toilet water is simply marvellous!"

[Glebe]

"More Jeyes Fluid, sir?"

"Don't mind if I do! It's strong stuff, mind!"

[shoulders]

Two competitive paedophiles break into a sprint to rub the remnants of a girl's half finished ice cream on their cock. Chariots of Fire starts and time seems to slow.

[Glebe]

The Boer War is reenacted beside an injured caterpillar's bespoke misery trench.

[shoulders]

A 19 hour helicopter tour of a repressive gulf petrostate piloted and narrated by Michael Owen.

Excellent,  I laughed.

[shoulders]

Pepsico funds a bursary to have your children radicalised to Norse fascism.

[shoulders]

Your remark that Anne Frank's diary was 'all "Me, me, me" receives a round of applause from 40 colleagues.

[Glebe]

A maudlin Norbert slams it gonads twixt two collinders.

[Ferris]

Your wife leaves you for a cached 2003 copy of eBaum's World.

[The Bumlord]

Christmas Eve spent draining a cyst

[Glebe]

Norman Bumweavel is Taplow's Most Ineligible Bachelor for the twentieth year running.

[batwings]

Sobbing as you do the washing up in just your mother's girdle on the fifth anniversary of her death on Tenable.

Anne Widdecombe squeezes out a large shiny black egg then squats over it while doing the Telegraph crossword.

[dex]

Your wife leaves you for a cached 2003 copy of eBaum's World.

lovely stuff

[Glebe]

Lifetime supply of egg mayonnaise.

[The Bumlord]

Lifetime supply of adult nappies.

[shoulders]

A Tim Westwood impersonator is jailed after going method.

[Ferris]

A Tim Westwood impersonator is jailed after going method.

But only because he's deemed "unconvincing" as the real one is still very much at large.

[PlanktonSideburns]

A Tim Westwood impersonator is jailed after going method.

Jailed for terrible mixing

[dex]

A Tim Westwood impersonator is jailed after going method.

Method Man enters thread disapprovingly shaking his head.

[Glebe]

Craig Fairbrass criticises the "poofy way you're holdin' y'pint" in a pub in Bridlington.

[Glebe]

Getting excited about a business supplies shop in Maida Vale.

[shoulders]

Getting excited about a business supplies shop in Maida Vale.

Euphoria is that way mate

[batwings]

A Mark Curry completist loses an EBay bidding war for a Betamax video recorder. He later gets kicked off a cam girl channel for 'having zero chill'.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your business selling supplements that cosmetically enhance your shite is subject to a hostile takeover by Big Beetroot.

[Glebe]

A Mark Curry completist loses an EBay bidding war for a Betamax video recorder. He later gets kicked off a cam girl channel for 'having zero chill'.

He learns some new words though, later meets Peter Duncan at a convention and describes him as "pengin'".