Cook'd and Bomb'd

Forums => General Bullshit => Topic started by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 09:49:27 PM

Title: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 09:49:27 PM
Mrs Nose might be going (we don't know exactly where yet, but it'll probs be one of the main towns) for a week next year with work as the woman who was supposed to be going has handed in her notice and Mrs Nose is the only other person there that knows enough about that particular aspect of the work.  She's hoping they'll get someone else in before then as she's not overly keen on the idea of going based on the image that most of us have of it being a barren, brown and grey, wet and windy isolated island (home away from home then, b'boom) and isn't the best flier either (I think it's three separate flights, with the last one being in a little twin prop).

Once all the traveling is factored in, I'm guessing she'll only actually be there for two or three days and won't have the time or inclination to be going out and doing anything, but I just wondered what sort of social life they have over there.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Marner and Me on September 06, 2020, 09:56:48 PM
All swingers mate/.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 09:58:08 PM
As long as it's not an orgy on a canal boat.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: imitationleather on September 06, 2020, 10:00:37 PM
UKIP Island
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Sherringford Hovis on September 06, 2020, 10:06:07 PM
While she's there, to endear herself to the indigenous 'Bennies' she must remember to refer to the islands as 'Las Malvinas' at every possible juncture.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 10:07:56 PM
While she's there, to endear herself to the indigenous 'Bennies' she must remember to refer to the islands as 'Las Malvinas' at every possible juncture.

Obvs.  I've also told her to make sure she refers to some locals as kelpers, and make sure they all hear her say it.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: steve98 on September 06, 2020, 10:18:16 PM
They're are all sheep-shaggers. Windswept, barren and uninteresting sheep-shaggers.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 10:19:32 PM
UKIP Island

They're are all sheep-shaggers. Windswept, barren and uninteresting sheep-shaggers.

Look, I can only use the "home away from home" joke so many times...
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Beagle 2 on September 06, 2020, 10:20:24 PM
My stepdad worked over there to help with the rebuilding after the war. His photographs are some of the most depressing I have ever seen. There is an occasional puffin or some shit.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on September 06, 2020, 10:22:22 PM
Never been and never wanted to, but found this candid review from a forces website by someone station there some years ago

Quote
   He said that the Falklands was by far the WORST posting he’d had. He said the base facilities there were claustrophobic and that without military discipline; he thinks they’d have all gone mad. He said that the climate there was miserable and that there was barely anything to do when off-duty. And he said that the locals were absolute backwards-thinking, unfriendly, and narrow-minded troglodytes and that all the local women were frumpy and looked like men (and they all looked inbred). He told me that anyone who could get stationed anywhere else jumped at the opportunity to get away from the place. He also told me that a couple of his colleagues had also been stationed in Belize and had told him that even that was far better than the Falklands.

He joked that he now wonders why they didn't just let Argentina have the place.

And yes; I know that this was a long time ago now. But from what I’ve overwhelmingly heard; not much ever changes in the Falkland Islands.

Sounds like Mrs Nose is in for a rip roaring trip.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 10:22:44 PM
My stepdad worked over there to help with the rebuilding after the war. His photographs are some of the most depressing I have ever seen. There is an occasional puffin or some shit.

Has it not moved on since 1982 then?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 10:24:40 PM
Never been and never wanted to, but found this candid review from a forces website by someone station there some years ago

From what (little) I know about it, I think most Argentinians probably don't want it either.


Am I right in thinking it's something like 98% Brits?


Quote
Sounds like Mrs Nose is in for a rip roaring trip.

She REALLY doesn't want to go (although it is mainly the flights putting her off).
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Marner and Me on September 06, 2020, 10:27:01 PM
You might aswell goto Dartmoor.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: idunnosomename on September 06, 2020, 10:29:31 PM
i go there every year to fuck are british penguins
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Beagle 2 on September 06, 2020, 10:45:22 PM
Has it not moved on since 1982 then?

Have any of us? Come on man, Joan Jett's never going to shag you.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 06, 2020, 10:59:31 PM
One of the islands is, presumably with tongue in cheek, named Lively Island. A possibly worse lie occurs than this, with Pleasant Island.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 11:01:09 PM
Is there a Hair Island?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 06, 2020, 11:01:50 PM
Bleaker Island. Imagine how fucked up that place is.

Barren Island, not really helping there.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Buelligan on September 06, 2020, 11:07:01 PM
Lots of penguins and electronics experts.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 11:15:04 PM
Bleaker Island. Imagine how fucked up that place is.

Barren Island, not really helping there.

Nothing but idunnosomename's British penguins walking around their garden to raise money for Prince Andrew.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 06, 2020, 11:25:28 PM
penguins walking around their garden to raise money for Prince Andrew.

Fantastic, I laughed
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Uncle TechTip on September 06, 2020, 11:34:59 PM
What the fuck is the point of these islands? I mean, fuck.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: idunnosomename on September 06, 2020, 11:37:35 PM
come on pingu!
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Uncle TechTip on September 06, 2020, 11:42:42 PM
The reviews of "restaurants" on Google Maps are a blast. (Translated) Delicious potatoes. You must be bad to get a poor review in the Falkland fucking Islands.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 11:44:13 PM
The reviews of "restaurants" on Google Maps is a blast. (Translated) Delicious potatoes. You must be bad to get a poor review in the Falkland fucking Islands.

I gather they're big on lamb stews and hotpots, which is one thing that Mrs Nose will be more than happy with.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on September 06, 2020, 11:45:18 PM
I think Stanley is the only town really, isn’t it?

I like the look of Elephant Jason Island - it seems to be shaped like an elephant. Only about 3 miles long or something though, so the novelty would quickly wear off. Definitely in my top 3 Jason Islands though, along with Flat Jason Island and Steeple Jason Island.

Carcass Island looks a bit bigger, and has a settlement called Carcass, which gives me a bad feeling.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: jobotic on September 06, 2020, 11:46:54 PM
Quote
The islands have two weekly newspapers: Teaberry Express and The Penguin News,
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 06, 2020, 11:51:21 PM
I think Stanley is the only town really, isn’t it?

I like the look of Elephant Jason Island - it seems to be shaped like an elephant. Only about 3 miles long or something though, so the novelty would quickly wear off. Definitely in my top 3 Jason Islands though, along with Flat Jason Island and Steeple Jason Island.

Carcass Island looks a bit bigger, and has a settlement called Carcass, which gives me a bad feeling.

Stanley's the largest, but I'm pretty sure there are a few other "main" towns.  Main in quotes there as I'm making an assumption that even Stanley is little more than an equivalent size to a large village in England.

I further assume that the inhabitants of the Jason Islands are all called Jason.  Even the women.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Sin Agog on September 06, 2020, 11:58:48 PM
I hate the Falklands.  Every time you think a conversation's over, they have to go and ask just one more question.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on September 07, 2020, 12:08:28 AM
Reckon the lesson here is that after twenty odd posts no one but no one actually seems to have been to the Falklands.

Or more importantly has come back.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Clatty McCutcheon on September 07, 2020, 12:14:47 AM
Stanley's the largest, but I'm pretty sure there are a few other "main" towns.  Main in quotes there as I'm making an assumption that even Stanley is little more than an equivalent size to a large village in England.

I further assume that the inhabitants of the Jason Islands are all called Jason.  Even the women.

The third-largest settlement (Goose Green) has a population of 40, it would seem. Stanley has just over 2,000. The second most populous place is an air base called Mount Pleasant.

The Jasons have, on one of their islands, a hill that looks like a tit. Here they are, disembarking to take a closer look. In lieu of pornography, this is all they have for erotic stimulation.

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/uebdspid2SOAISFV92tvcHqAETVeYiMnpUuMaXk8N1ysico5PWo8kxhXPbAMGGZ_V4L2UXcxw0c8c1Ck50EzwmSD1Osp8LNuPl9yB9Jq89g_ZXFVOzwqe0xP8J8p0FXxoyd1w8DP2g=w2400?source=screenshot.guru"> <img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/uebdspid2SOAISFV92tvcHqAETVeYiMnpUuMaXk8N1ysico5PWo8kxhXPbAMGGZ_V4L2UXcxw0c8c1Ck50EzwmSD1Osp8LNuPl9yB9Jq89g_ZXFVOzwqe0xP8J8p0FXxoyd1w8DP2g=w600-h315-p-k)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on September 07, 2020, 12:22:51 AM
What time of year is she going? It's southern hemisphere, so the seasons are reversed. If she's going during their summer at least it may be a bit warmer there than our winter.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 07, 2020, 12:41:08 AM
The Jasons have, on one of their islands, a hill that looks like a tit.

I shall tell her to head straight for the tit.


What time of year is she going? It's southern hemisphere, so the seasons are reversed. If she's going during their summer at least it may be a bit warmer there than our winter.

IF she goes it will probably May or June, so their autumn-into-winter?  But the when does depend on covid - it might be later, which is what she's hoping as the longer the wait the more chance they'll be able to slot someone with experience into that role (a role I'm trying to subtly push Mrs Nose into as it's quite a chunk more money, so it would help us move house [which I'm desperate to do], but it's a lot more grief and also full-time, neither of which she wants.  But that's by the by).
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on September 07, 2020, 12:52:54 AM
The Falklands in winter. One for the desolation thread. If she does end up going, she should just drink a lot, then it won't seem so bad.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: famethrowa on September 07, 2020, 01:02:22 AM
Reckon the lesson here is that after twenty odd posts no one but no one actually seems to have been to the Falklands.

Or more importantly has come back.

Gotcha!
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Uncle TechTip on September 07, 2020, 01:32:19 AM
What's the point in going for two or three days, if it's that important it can't be done remotely you may as well stay a couple of weeks, get loads done then and save you having to go for a  while.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Goldentony on September 07, 2020, 02:00:39 AM
sound shite mate why the fuck would anyone go there, stop her you mad cunt
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: ZoyzaSorris on September 07, 2020, 07:19:08 AM
I’d go in a heartbeat, but I love penguins, seals, storm petrels, shearwaters and bleak shit.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Paul Calf on September 07, 2020, 07:26:38 AM
There's a reason Mustapha Mond banished Bernard and Helmholtz to the Falklands at the end of Brave New World[1], and that Bernard at least considered it a punishment.
 1. No, I'm not going to spoiler-tag this. The book is nearly 90 years old and is a classic in the modern Western-dystopian[1] canon. Just read it.
 1. Although Huxley actually considered the novel to be a Utopian eugenics work and only reconsidered after WWII cast a dark cloud over that wayward and bastard offspring of genetics. 13 fucking years after the end of WWII
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: paruses on September 07, 2020, 07:33:39 AM
I’d go in a heartbeat, but I love penguins, seals, storm petrels, shearwaters and bleak shit.

Same. Literally. Plus I thought they were all swingers too.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: jobotic on September 07, 2020, 07:34:42 AM
I’d go in a heartbeat, but I love penguins, seals, storm petrels, shearwaters and bleak shit.

Same here, although a trip there with no time to see any of these things sounds awful.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: badaids on September 07, 2020, 07:35:25 AM
I have been. Best summed up as an interesting experience but not one I would wish to repeat.

It’s very isolated for good and bad. There is fuck all there to see and do after you’ve seen the wildlife and some peatlands, but you really feel that all the shit and hassle in the world cannot touch or affect you. I suppose there are minefields and old battlefields to visit and destroyed aircraft littered about if you like that stuff. Falkland Islanders are nice people but always on the cadge for stuff they can recycle and use. I’d be the same if I lived on a barren rock. Stanley is good for a night out. The weather is miserable. The wind never get below a mild howl so it’s like living in Eraserhead world with that background whine waxing and waning.

But mainly it’s just fucking dull.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 07, 2020, 07:48:23 AM
Don't fancy those flights...at least if one of them goes down, she won't have to experience the island and can play at castaway in the rescue dinghy instead...might end up on a tropical pacific island instead?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: The Mollusk on September 07, 2020, 08:00:27 AM
I always imagined it would be like that film Calvaire. Fucking horrible and endlessly bleak.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: shiftwork2 on September 07, 2020, 08:33:08 AM
Needs a Gatwick Village with Frankie and Benny's then it'd be the tits.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Paul Calf on September 07, 2020, 08:34:49 AM
Don't fancy those flights...at least if one of them goes down, she won't have to experience the island and can play at castaway in the rescue dinghy instead...might end up on a tropical pacific island instead?

She'd have to round Cape Horn first. The Drake Passage makes The Falklands look like The Bahamas.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 07, 2020, 08:35:59 AM
She'd have to round Cape Horn first. The Drake Passage makes The Falklands look like The Bahamas.

That's what I've been telling her - PREPARE FOR THE DRAKE PASSAGE. Will she listen? SGN, WILL SHE?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Paul Calf on September 07, 2020, 08:38:21 AM
She could drift north and nip through The Panama Canal, but that seems like a lot of pissing about just to look at a few big stone heads.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: monkfromhavana on September 07, 2020, 08:38:36 AM
Not since I saw Brownie from 3 Para take one in the gut and bleed out.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 07, 2020, 08:41:49 AM
Fuck the Drake Passage Mrs. SGN - we'll have to head North

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGhKugDGrYY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGhKugDGrYY)

6:00 - "which wiseguy brought crockery instead of plastic?!"
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on September 07, 2020, 08:55:10 AM
Looks like Scotland with penguins. I'd be up for it
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: badaids on September 07, 2020, 09:18:53 AM
By the way. If you want to see the wildlife, it’s like a 3 hour ride across the peat and bogs in a Land Rover, getting out to help pull it out when it gets stuck. You can’t just nip and see them. It’s an all day affair, normally in poor weather. And the penguins absolutely fucking stink of horrible fishy shit, you can smell them from miles away.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: The Mollusk on September 07, 2020, 09:28:50 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/SViSB89.png)

(https://i.imgur.com/IgpnAei.png)

(https://i.imgur.com/tLsDz8N.png)

The Victory Bar in Stanley. That top photo is seriously the building. Fucking hell, I really wasn't far off with the Calvaire comparison (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdSsidyzotA).
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: imitationleather on September 07, 2020, 09:31:33 AM
I've been looking at pictures of the bars this mornng as well.

More flag bunting than I've ever seen in my life before.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 07, 2020, 09:50:58 AM
is that a ex-pat paedophile convention in the bottom picture?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: imitationleather on September 07, 2020, 09:51:48 AM
is that a ex-pat paedophile convention in the bottom picture?

No it's the Stanley CaB meet.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 07, 2020, 09:53:52 AM
No it's the Stanley CaB meet.

ha, of course. Golden Tony, Famous Mortimer, Bosto and is that Nags with the tache?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: shh on September 07, 2020, 10:00:57 AM
Fairly sure they are in top 5 for GDP/capita (gaining fishing rights after the war). Christ knows what they spend it on.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Buelligan on September 07, 2020, 10:04:14 AM
is that a ex-pat paedophile convention in the bottom picture?

I'm guessing they're all civil servants from the 1990s.  It's an educated guess.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: The Mollusk on September 07, 2020, 10:06:33 AM
ha, of course. Golden Tony, Famous Mortimer, Bosto and is that Nags with the tache?

My partner's still overseas and I treat any extended time away from her as "moustache time", so yes.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: buzby on September 07, 2020, 10:53:03 AM
What the fuck is the point of these islands? I mean, fuck.
Lucrative fishing territories (signed over to firms from Norway, Chile and New Zealand in 2018 - TAKING BACK OUR FISHING RIGHTS, there), untapped potential oil reserves and our (now suspended) claim to a chunk of Antartica.

In the past, it was also the base for the UK's whaling fleet (see the Whalebone Arch (https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Attraction_Review-g294272-d2462300-Reviews-Whalebone_Arch-Stanley_East_Falkland.html), built using Blue Whale jawbones in 1922. The islands were also mined for guano (bird shit), which was used as fertiliser.

The armed forces do regard being posted there as punishment - prior to 1982, a 'punishment posting' in the RAF would have been to Belize or the radar stations in Benbecula or Saxa Vord. Nowadays it's RAF Mount Pleasant.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: jobotic on September 07, 2020, 10:56:16 AM
Just remembered that a bloke I worked with was there for three months after the war, fixing shit. Spent all that time living with other blokes in a shipping container.

That's your wife's hotel.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Gurke and Hare on September 07, 2020, 10:59:56 AM
Why is Belize such a bad posting? Sounds lovely to me.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: gilbertharding on September 07, 2020, 11:08:21 AM
My Great Great Grandad spent some time there getting his ship repaired after it was damaged in a gale off the Horn in 1911. I don't think he liked it much.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Fambo Number Mive on September 07, 2020, 11:09:23 AM
Can't be much worse than England. If she did go and really didn't enjoy it, would she be expected to go back the year after? Or would it be a one off? I think it would be an interesting experience as a one-off, I'd quite like to visit for a few days. If she became the Falklands liaison and had to visit for a few days every year, that might be less fun.

The islands look really beautiful from this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cg-2UN0d0pI

I'd love to walk around the Falklands Islands.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: jobotic on September 07, 2020, 11:13:15 AM
Can we ask what she's going there for?

To secure that once in a lifetime career defining guano deal?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: steve98 on September 07, 2020, 11:13:38 AM
Why is Belize such a bad posting? Sounds lovely to me.

Sounds like bellies to me (unlovely ones)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Fambo Number Mive on September 07, 2020, 11:18:42 AM
By 2024, this will be one of the few places that the government will allow British people to holiday in. It will be an offence to travel abroad for leisure purposes punishable by one month in the G4S re-education camps and a fine of £50 4 shillings 1/4 pence.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: dissolute ocelot on September 07, 2020, 11:20:55 AM
Why is Belize such a bad posting? Sounds lovely to me.
Very hot, very very wet, and full of mosquitos and other bitey insects. Still beats the South Atlantic, imo.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: buzby on September 07, 2020, 11:36:51 AM
Why is Belize such a bad posting? Sounds lovely to me.
It wasn't exactly metropolitan. If all you wanted was sunbathing (when it wasn't raining), diving, getting pissed, coke and hookers (usually sex-trafficed from Guatamala and El Salvador) it was great, but there wasn't much else to do there. The camps were basically sheds in jungle clearings. Also lots of nasty tropical diseases, STDs and parasite infections.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 07, 2020, 11:37:08 AM
Has anyone here been to Belize. I want to hear terror stories of giant biters and month long jungle fevers.

edit: Buzby fails to deliver the goods
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Gurke and Hare on September 07, 2020, 11:42:08 AM
It wasn't exactly metropolitan.

I guess, but I can't help thinking if that's what you want then don't join the army.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: The Mollusk on September 07, 2020, 11:45:52 AM
Very hot, very very wet, and full of mosquitos and other bitey insects.

We still on about SGN’s wife?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Gurke and Hare on September 07, 2020, 11:57:16 AM
Also, what existential threat to the UK are we opposing by putting soldiers in Belize? They could at least go and collect some tax from Michael Ashcroft.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: buzby on September 07, 2020, 12:05:13 PM
Has anyone here been to Belize. I want to hear terror stories of giant biters and month long jungle fevers.
My cousin did a posting there when he was in the Army. Botfly larvae, Hookworms, Roundworms, Whipworms, Leishmaniasis (transmitted by Sandfly bites) and obviously Malaria. They used to get tarantulas in their barracks hut too.

I guess, but I can't help thinking if that's what you want then don't join the army.
I was talking about the RAF, dear boy.
Also, what existential threat to the UK are we opposing by putting soldiers in Belize? They could at least go and collect some tax from Michael Ashcroft.
We were 'asked back' in 1981 after they had declared independence as they were under threat of invasion from Guatemala (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belizean%E2%80%93Guatemalan_territorial_dispute#1975_to_independence_in_1981).
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 07, 2020, 12:15:35 PM
We still on about SGN’s wife?

Definitely not - she's as dry and barren as the Falklands due to crazy pills completely killing off her libido (this is true).


Can we ask what she's going there for?

To secure that once in a lifetime career defining guano deal?

Heh.

She works for the VF Corporation (they own North Face, Dickies, Timberland etc) and her department is taking this one on from the Mexico office (who would normally cover all around there) as they're massively overworked, so this is probably just a one off as her department's main territory is Europe (including the UK) and the middle East (so they do go to worse places).  They've got some ultra long-term contract there (I'm assuming it's for civilian military personnel and/or government on the islands) to provide workwear and health and safety wear.  What they do is go over to the respective country (Falklands in this case, but it could just as easily be some dangerous war-torn place in the middle East [although they do have a specific employee who covers the middle East only - he's from Pakistan and knows the areas and the people, so he's about as "safe" as any outsider can be in some of the places over there, and he gets paid mega danger money as well obvs]) whenever they need their stuff renewed or redesigned or whatever, and they take all the samples with them and all the different bits and bobs (buttons/zips/fastenings, different materials etc etc).  I did ask why they didn't just ship all the samples over and then do a Zoom or Skype meeting, but there are so many variables the only way they can guarantee to get it right is to be there in person to explain all the differences and make sure there are absolutely no misunderstandings.  Given that both sides are operating on very tight budgets and timescales, I can understand that - a couple of thousand quid for flights and accommodation versus tens or even hundreds of thousands and a legal dispute if an order is fucked up.


I believe they also have a contract in Belize, but that would be the Mexico office again.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Gurke and Hare on September 07, 2020, 12:45:10 PM
invasion from Guatemala (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belizean%E2%80%93Guatemalan_territorial_dispute#1975_to_independence_in_1981).

"We want to be independent, but not *that* independent. Oh, and all your rich people will pretend to live here to avoid tax." Nice deal if you can get it.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: dr beat on September 07, 2020, 12:52:37 PM
Tbf I wouldn't have been comfortable living next door to Efrain Rios Montt when he took over in '82.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: kngen on September 07, 2020, 01:58:21 PM
Definitely not - she's as dry and barren as the Falklands due to crazy pills completely killing off her libido (this is true).


Port Stanley Swingers Assoc. leave thread disappointed, mumbling '... maybe next year then ... '
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 07, 2020, 02:03:09 PM
Port Stanley Swingers Assoc. leave thread disappointed, mumbling '... maybe next year then ... '

Presumably they're the chaps in the pic that Mollusk posted on the previous page...
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: dissolute ocelot on September 07, 2020, 02:11:55 PM
Also, what existential threat to the UK are we opposing by putting soldiers in Belize? They could at least go and collect some tax from Michael Ashcroft.
The British army seems to devote a lot of its time to training for jungle warfare, in Belize, Papua New Guinea, and elsewhere. I'm uncertain where we're planning to invade. Maybe if we run out of cobalt or diamonds it might come in handy.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Jockice on September 07, 2020, 02:58:26 PM
Someone from there did work experience at the paper I worked for in the early 90s. A sort of gothy girl she was. A colleague was rather taken with her and turned up at her flat one night with wine and flowers. She told him to fuck off. I've ever seen her since the work experience and can't even remember her name.

Another top quality anecdote there. I have plenty of others too.

Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 07, 2020, 03:17:00 PM
Someone from there did work experience at the paper I worked for in the early 90s. A sort of gothy girl she was. A colleague was rather taken with her and turned up at her flat one night with wine and flowers. She told him to fuck off. I've ever seen her since the work experience and can't even remember her name.

Another top quality anecdote there. I have plenty of others too.

Almost as good as my "I saw Duncan Goodhew and he said hello" anecdote.

We should write a book.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Jockice on September 07, 2020, 03:24:42 PM

We should write a book.

You're the second person who has said that to me today. No chance. I want to die an enigma.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 07, 2020, 03:26:22 PM
You're the second person who has said that to me today. No chance. I want to die an enigma.

Chapter 2 - That Time I Saw Someone Who Looked A Little Bit Like Kenny Rogers (but obviously wasn't)


I tell ya, we'll be beating Parky and Wogan away with sticks.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: kngen on September 07, 2020, 04:01:18 PM
Presumably they're the chaps in the pic that Mollusk posted on the previous page...

A man can dream ...
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Gurke and Hare on September 07, 2020, 05:24:31 PM
The British army seems to devote a lot of its time to training for jungle warfare, in Belize, Papua New Guinea, and elsewhere. I'm uncertain where we're planning to invade. Maybe if we run out of cobalt or diamonds it might come in handy.

Perhaps they're thinking ahead for when global warming turns the UK into a lush jungle paradise, and they'll have to defend us against the hordes of people trying to get hold of our [SUBS FINISH THIS BIT]?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Mr Farenheit on September 07, 2020, 05:38:11 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/LSLxuC7.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/Zcc9Wpp.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/AkPaO0Z.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/pql32CK.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/AHdjyKz.jpg)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on September 07, 2020, 05:44:49 PM
You realise this could all be a cunning subterfuge? She's probably got a man over there.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 07, 2020, 05:46:17 PM
gimp on the right

"where are the women, I was told there would be women, 8000 miles and no women...Greg?! Greg! Greg!"
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 07, 2020, 05:51:19 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/LSLxuC7.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/Zcc9Wpp.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/AkPaO0Z.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/pql32CK.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/AHdjyKz.jpg)

Fucking hell.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 07, 2020, 06:27:47 PM
Belize's capital city is the Clowne-adjacent Belmopan (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belmopan).

I detest humidity, creepy-crawlies and so forth but I would pick Belize every fucking day of the year over a series of treeless windswept guano-mounds and seal colonies where the only human inhabitants are inbred rabid Thatcherites and the military.

Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: MidnightShambler on September 07, 2020, 06:31:32 PM
My mate was there for 6 months when he was in the Merchant Navy in the 80s. He spent most of his time off his tits on all the acid that he’d taken with him so he hasn’t really got anything negative to say about it, other than it has the lowest standard of prostitute in the world apparently.

South Korea has the best, if anyone is wondering.

Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: steve98 on September 07, 2020, 06:42:45 PM
My mate was there for 6 months when he was in the Merchant Navy in the 80s. He spent most of his time off his tits on all the acid that he’d taken with him so he hasn’t really got anything negative to say about it, other than it has the lowest standard of prostitute in the world apparently.

South Korea has the best, if anyone is wondering.

Hence all the sheep-shagging.

(https://i2-prod.dailyrecord.co.uk/incoming/article11915357.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/Screenshot_2018-01-24-09-01-31JPG.jpg)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 07, 2020, 06:45:10 PM
I don't know if judging a country by the standard of its prostitutes is a reliable and clever scale or bottom tier desolation.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: MidnightShambler on September 07, 2020, 06:48:27 PM
Hence all the sheep-shagging.

(https://i2-prod.dailyrecord.co.uk/incoming/article11915357.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/Screenshot_2018-01-24-09-01-31JPG.jpg)

If Rob Walker and Ian McNeice made a porno.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Pearl's away on September 07, 2020, 09:05:47 PM
I mostly choose lurking over participating for various reasons, but I've been to both the Falklands and Belize and this thread is slowly killing me.

By the way. If you want to see the wildlife, it’s like a 3 hour ride across the peat and bogs in a Land Rover, getting out to help pull it out when it gets stuck. You can’t just nip and see them. It’s an all day affair, normally in poor weather. And the penguins absolutely fucking stink of horrible fishy shit, you can smell them from miles away.

While this is mostly true (indeed, most of the best wildlife sites are on the smaller islands), it is possible to see Magellanic penguins and other interesting birds within walking distance of Stanley if you wander round to Yorke Bay and Gypsy Cove.  (NB Advice may be season-dependent, I was there around Christmas which is probably among the more pleasant times to be in that part of the world.)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 07, 2020, 09:11:34 PM
I don't know if judging a country by the standard of its prostitutes is a reliable and clever scale or bottom tier desolation.

Depends if the person telling you has a yacht or not I suppose.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: badaids on September 07, 2020, 09:17:35 PM
Lucrative fishing territories (signed over to firms from Norway, Chile and New Zealand in 2018 - TAKING BACK OUR FISHING RIGHTS, there), untapped potential oil reserves and our (now suspended) claim to a chunk of Antartica.

In the past, it was also the base for the UK's whaling fleet (see the Whalebone Arch (https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Attraction_Review-g294272-d2462300-Reviews-Whalebone_Arch-Stanley_East_Falkland.html), built using Blue Whale jawbones in 1922. The islands were also mined for guano (bird shit), which was used as fertiliser.

The armed forces do regard being posted there as punishment - prior to 1982, a 'punishment posting' in the RAF would have been to Belize or the radar stations in Benbecula or Saxa Vord. Nowadays it's RAF Mount Pleasant.

It’s not a punishment posting in the RAF any more, but it is certainly a posting that no one wants. Most postings are 6 months, sometimes 12 months. Most people who accept to go down there are doing it as a bargaining chip for something else: a cushy subsequent posting, the chance of promotion
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 07, 2020, 10:04:38 PM
But when they return their brains are paté and they have become financially tied to 3 illegitimate dependents.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Captain Z on September 07, 2020, 10:19:50 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/tLsDz8N.png)

Look, the Falklands have moved on a bit since 2017, alright.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: gib on September 07, 2020, 10:40:21 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/Zcc9Wpp.jpg)

laughed, mostly at his accent which you somehow conveyed brilliantly

even though i have no idea what Falkland folk actually sound like

PS if any Cabbers present or future are from the Falklands i would like to reassure you that we are not punching down because that kind of thing was bad in our era, it's just your pub looks shit
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on September 07, 2020, 10:41:15 PM
I mostly choose lurking over participating for various reasons, but I've been to both the Falklands and Belize and this thread is slowly killing me.

While this is mostly true (indeed, most of the best wildlife sites are on the smaller islands), it is possible to see Magellanic penguins and other interesting birds within walking distance of Stanley if you wander round to Yorke Bay and Gypsy Cove.  (NB Advice may be season-dependent, I was there around Christmas which is probably among the more pleasant times to be in that part of the world.)

How are the prostitutes?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 07, 2020, 10:44:00 PM
On our roster tonight (featuring beers from local Islas Malvinas Craft Brewery):

Barren Island IPA
Bleaker Island DIPA
Foam Creek Bitter
Flat Stanley Lager
Carcass Island Pale
Foul Bay (Guano Sour)
Elephant Jason (Stout)
Predatory Paedophile Porter
Shivering Penguin Imperial Stout
Treeless World's End Coven of Gammon Brut IPA
Andrew's Bane (Henbane, Buckshot & Kelp Gose)
Thatcher's Cider
Carling


Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on September 07, 2020, 10:57:40 PM
Apparently the Indian takeaway in Port Stanley is called Argie Bhaji.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: The Mollusk on September 07, 2020, 11:05:00 PM
Apparently the Indian takeaway in Port Stanley is called Argie Bhaji.

I bet they do the accent
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Gambrinus on September 07, 2020, 11:08:15 PM
I'd go like a shot if it was offered to me, although going just for 2-3 days seems a bit odd. I love bleak places at the end of the line, although living there permanently would be a bit much. Maybe a month of peace and quiet with heaps of books and some penguins to look at.

I'd love to have a crack at this one day but at £5500 it's a bit too much. And it would use up a vast chunk of holiday allowance. https://www.falklandsultra.com/enter
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on September 07, 2020, 11:20:15 PM
I wouldn't have been comfortable living next door to Efrain Rios Montt when he took over in '82.

Smokie consider rewrite.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: canadagoose on September 07, 2020, 11:22:31 PM
I'd like to visit, but I probably never will, because it'll cost too much. I'm weirdly attracted to cold, isolated places, like Nunavut, Svalbard, Finnmark, etc. Although the Falklands is more like permanent autumn in Aberdeen, from what I've read. I don't know if I could live there. Imagine the gossip. Small town on steroids, I'll bet.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on September 07, 2020, 11:27:06 PM
Do actual, real people, not just members of the military forces who've pissed off their bosses and been sent there as punishment, a La military forces versions of Father Ted and his mates on Craggy Island, live there, then? Not just penguins and sheep, but real people? Really?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 07, 2020, 11:30:22 PM
I'd go like a shot if it was offered to me, although going just for 2-3 days seems a bit odd.

It's for work only - it's not a holiday or even a work "jolly".
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 07, 2020, 11:35:15 PM
Do actual, real people, not just members of the military forces who've pissed off their bosses and been sent there as punishment, a La military forces versions of Father Ted and his mates on Craggy Island, live there, then? Not just penguins and sheep, but real people? Really?

I'm sure some religious nutters and the odd middle aged couple who have spent their inheritance on 'an idea'.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Pseudopath on September 07, 2020, 11:53:32 PM
I know a guy from the Falklands who felt really guilty for sleeping with his third cousin. So he promised himself that he'd stop keeping count.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: ZoyzaSorris on September 07, 2020, 11:59:17 PM
I’d love to go to Belize too.rainforests, coral reefs and cocaine, the three best things in the world.  I’ve been parasitised by botfly larvae before and it doesn’t put me off.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Uncle TechTip on September 08, 2020, 12:12:15 AM
I'd like to visit, but I probably never will, because it'll cost too much. I'm weirdly attracted to cold, isolated places, like Nunavut, Svalbard, Finnmark, etc. Although the Falklands is more like permanent autumn in Aberdeen, from what I've read. I don't know if I could live there. Imagine the gossip. Small town on steroids, I'll bet.

Dave's been in a punch up in the single fucking hut that serves as a pub on this godforsaken shitheap again.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Danger Man on September 08, 2020, 12:13:40 AM
I know a guy from the Falklands who felt really guilty for sleeping with his third cousin. So he promised himself that he'd stop keeping count.

WAHEY!!!!!
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Danger Man on September 08, 2020, 12:16:40 AM
It's for work only - it's not a holiday or even a work "jolly".

Odd coincidence.....the next door neighbour who you can hear through your thin walls is going over at the same time to do some work in Goose Green.

YOU BIG CUCK
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Pearl's away on September 08, 2020, 12:24:48 AM
How are the prostitutes?

They are few in number, but they have the right to live in peace, to choose their own way of life and allegiance. (https://www.falklandislands.com/things-to-do/margaret-thatcher-memorial-bust-p673591)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 08, 2020, 12:54:28 AM
Try not to get caught having a shit under the Maggie bust. So that's one more for the list
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: greenman on September 08, 2020, 12:54:35 AM
Have it occurred to you Nose than you married a disguised penguin and this is an escape plot?

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/f9/70/db/f970db91bee127a89e698a36c9230f21.jpg)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 08, 2020, 10:33:55 AM
I am now concerned that Mrs Nose is a criminal and/or hates me so much she's not only willing to go and have sex with one of those Falkland men in the pub, but is actively looking forward to it.

THANKS CAB.  THAB.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Paul Calf on September 08, 2020, 10:37:41 AM
gimp on the right


Do you have to bring the BBC into EVERYTHING?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: JarrowMonkey on September 08, 2020, 11:55:15 PM
Why is Belize such a bad posting? Sounds lovely to me.

My uncle was posted there during the 1980’s and he said it was fucking shite
My uncle is an ex copper as well and a big old fashioned racist
I still like him, apart from his old fashioned racism and bigotry
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: bgmnts on September 08, 2020, 11:58:22 PM
Quote
Belize has one of the highest per capita murder rates in the world. There have been increased incidents of violent crime (armed robberies, home incursions, murders) against long term expatriate residents; and physical assaults, including rape, of tourists. Armed criminal gangs have also been known to operate in the past around the densely forested areas of Belize, particularly around the border area with Guatemala, close to tourist sites. These incidents are uncommon and the areas are patrolled by the Belize Defence Force.

The majority of muggings occur in Belize City but are common in all districts, including tourist destinations such as San Pedro, Caye Caulker, Placencia and San Ignacio. Avoid dark alleys, don’t hitchhike or accept lifts from strangers, keep valuables out of sight and be aware that wearing expensive jewellery could attract unwanted attention. If possible, travel in groups and use a qualified guide for trips off the beaten track.

Incidents of serious gang-related violence do occur in Belize City, most commonly in the area to the south of the Haulover Creek (known as Southside). While tourists are not normally the targets of gang violence, anyone in the vicinity of an incident could be affected. You should exercise particular caution and remain vigilant of your surroundings if in and around these areas, especially at night.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: idunnosomename on September 09, 2020, 12:45:00 AM
i dont belize ya
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: dr beat on September 09, 2020, 04:32:13 AM
Smokie consider rewrite.


Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on February 18, 2020, 07:25:22 PM
Stewart Lee spam

Quote from: dr beat on February 18, 2020, 07:54:00 PM
I love All Around My Hat'


I see you and I raise you.  You're dealing with a pro my friend...
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 09, 2020, 07:44:35 AM
I am now concerned that Mrs Nose is a criminal and/or hates me so much she's not only willing to go and have sex with one of those Falkland men in the pub, but is actively looking forward to it.

THANKS CAB.  THAB.

can you ask her to destroy the Thatcher bust.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on September 09, 2020, 08:03:41 AM
Cecil Parkinson would have loved to have destroyed the Thatcher bust in her time.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 08:47:00 AM
Quote
Belize has one of the highest per capita murder rates in the world. There have been increased incidents of violent crime (armed robberies, home incursions, murders) against long term expatriate residents; and physical assaults, including rape, of tourists. Armed criminal gangs have also been known to operate in the past around the densely forested areas of Belize, particularly around the border area with Guatemala, close to tourist sites. These incidents are uncommon and the areas are patrolled by the Belize Defence Force.

The majority of muggings occur in Belize City but are common in all districts, including tourist destinations such as San Pedro, Caye Caulker, Placencia and San Ignacio. Avoid dark alleys, don’t hitchhike or accept lifts from strangers, keep valuables out of sight and be aware that wearing expensive jewellery could attract unwanted attention. If possible, travel in groups and use a qualified guide for trips off the beaten track.

Incidents of serious gang-related violence do occur in Belize City, most commonly in the area to the south of the Haulover Creek (known as Southside). While tourists are not normally the targets of gang violence, anyone in the vicinity of an incident could be affected. You should exercise particular caution and remain vigilant of your surroundings if in and around these areas, especially at night.

Well, the Falklands doesn't sound so bad now does it!


can you ask her to destroy the Thatcher bust.

Probs don't need to.  Ask her, I mean.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 09, 2020, 09:17:12 AM


Well, the Falklands doesn't sound so bad now does it!


Probs don't need to.  Ask her, I mean.

We're due to be filming the FINAL instalment of the Minotaur series on the Falklands at the time your wife is there. It's touch and go whether Jen will put pen to paper and make a return for the finale...can you ask your wife if she has any acting experience?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 09:18:10 AM
We're due to be filming the FINAL instalment of the Minotaur series on the Falklands at the time your wife is there. It's touch and go whether Jen will put pen to paper and make a return for the finale...can you ask your wife if she has any acting experience?

She says no but will do anything for a tenner.  Which is news to me.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 09, 2020, 09:32:28 AM
She says no but will do anything for a tenner.  Which is news to me.

Finally slay the Minoan uber-bastard, after 23 films, several tele-movies, a comic book series, seven novels, several theatre productions, and a video games franchise?

The contract is worth several million, but if she will take a tenner, then she's got the role and I will inform Jen's agent.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 09:48:09 AM
She says if she can get her bit done in two days (evenings only) it's a deal.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: BlodwynPig on September 09, 2020, 09:58:43 AM
She says if she can get her bit done in two days (evenings only) it's a deal.

agreed, is she ok with partial nudity? (Jen was*)

*until lawsuit
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 10:36:40 AM
Full gape.  But only if it's tasteful.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Dr Rock on September 09, 2020, 02:14:59 PM
An island near Argentina, which is a hot place, that has penguins? Come off it.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 02:19:08 PM
An island near Argentina, which is a hot place, that has penguins? Come off it.

I don't think it ever gets above about 20degrees in the summer - relatively close to Antarctica innit.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: gib on September 09, 2020, 02:21:26 PM
An island near Argentina, which is a hot place, that has penguins? Come off it.

"near" = 1521km

(https://www.google.com/maps/vt/data=sWyqjPsk7H8DMzWj5cuhsOpKHPFpFe20V_awSj5a4LIoX1orlC2dWcuWz3Rjv3o2raloD3oLUesCc_hVMgCNFrBxcHtO3nNF8hbUqKhHl4M44PE6BtSEN7mrwaQSIwAa5cS_nnqI34wTkGFh62ujPw7Dfl9Fpe29AtAx0klkyYC5UVXCpIvRTe-3XaXpcMg7u69A0q5kC7r5FTFuz0QdCMTCAd6m-M0ikYsWOnZqs4TXZ6kIenZO4Jpx0az-DmaP1tr6mDY0i-QSos2rKlJae8YOP_sn5_pBPLFtl9YzjlhV)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Dr Rock on September 09, 2020, 02:22:23 PM
That's one huge beach
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: moondogs on September 09, 2020, 02:27:13 PM
I'VE BEEN.

It's certainly an interesting place, quite unlike most places I've ever visited. As others have said, it is pretty bleak. I think that 15 degrees is a balmy day there and the wind never really stops howling as it's a rather flat place in the middle of a fucking vast ocean. I sailed into Port Stanley and it's a strange sensation seeing the names of all of the Navy ships writ large upon the small hills surrounding the harbour.

I don't think I went to the bar in the pictures someone's already posted, but I did go to one right near the dock that was essentially a temporary structure from the 80s filled with guns and regimental pictures etc. There was an RPG hanging from the ceiling. It's that kind of place. Provincial rugby club / regimental mess / small village vibe.

There were lots of English people there as well as a fair few South Africans and Chileans. It sort of felt like a army village somewhere in Dorset crossed with Royston Vasey but instead placed on a rock in the absolute middle of nowhere. You are often reminded of the quite perilous location and conditions by the presence of numerous shipwrecks dotted about the harbour. One of the big 'uns is over 100 years old I think. Port Stanley harbour is quite wide and long? Deep? (I'm no marine expert) and it's often windy enough to stop boats of certain sizes from being able to dock there.

The positives? There is an abundance of beautiful wildlife, mostly birds, and the landscape does have a certain charm if you're into isolation. If your wife likes penguins (the birds, not the chocolate bars, I'm not saying she's a wideload) then she's in luck. We were told there's two main beaches where the penguins live. I chose poorly and only saw one penguin sat in a scratchy-looking bush; once they start molting they don't move, they just sit there shitting everywhere (EVERYWHERE) and you can go up and get real close to them. They only move once they've replaced every single feather.  Those mates that chose wisely went to the decent beach and were treated to the sight of hundreds of them coming out of the water and running around the place.

I felt very much like a foreigner in some other South American countries like Equador and Chile, so I was looking forward to seeing if the Falklands felt any different. Perhaps that's why one of my fondest memories of my visit was getting off the small tender in Port Stanley harbour to find a fucking burger van parked at the end of the pier. I knew then that I'd made it home. And yes, of course I had a 2 quid burger and a tea in a polystyrene cup.

I also had no idea of the very real tensions that still exist in the area. I went next to Ushuaia and all over the port they have signs in Spanish and English stating that they don't recognise the British occupation of the islands, they're still the Malvinas etc. I went for a lovely walk around the city with a friend who wore a Falklands Island beanie and an elderly Argentinian man came up to us and made it very clear that my friend should take her beanie off to avoid offending the locals. He even helpfully took it off her head and shoved it into her hands.

You can spend your English pounds there as well as yankee dollars (iirc). There are no cash machines but I'm sure they have ways and means of getting cold hard cash if you live on the island.

I have some pictures but they're on my other PC, I might add some a bit later.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 02:34:51 PM
Thanks for all that moondogs.  Mrs Nose is keen on wildlife - particularly birds and that - but she probably won't have enough time to do much and, as she's going (IF she goes) in the winter I'm guessing the days are short.

RE the "tensions" - I think they're only in the political offices these days.  I saw a documentary about the war a few years ago and there were plenty of civilians on both "sides" that didn't really seem to care one way or another, I'm guessing because it's so desolate.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: moondogs on September 09, 2020, 03:12:12 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/n67H1vj/20170326-untitled-009.jpg) (https://ibb.co/rFxCpSH)
(https://i.ibb.co/4Z7Q0Z6/20170326-untitled-007.jpg) (https://ibb.co/sv2BXv0)
(https://i.ibb.co/nBvhPwL/20170326-untitled-002.jpg) (https://ibb.co/3vqtRTC)
(https://i.ibb.co/GcqTspK/20170326-untitled-003.jpg) (https://ibb.co/72q4gCw)
(https://i.ibb.co/hsGH5GB/20170326-untitled-004.jpg) (https://ibb.co/2qzP2zv)
(https://i.ibb.co/XSJX18m/20170326-untitled-005.jpg) (https://ibb.co/r4ykYsn)
(https://i.ibb.co/5rXT0fH/20170326-untitled-008.jpg) (https://ibb.co/HtL7Sk8)
(https://i.ibb.co/L6KKNDz/20170326-untitled-006.jpg) (https://ibb.co/VD66w0W)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: moondogs on September 09, 2020, 03:17:26 PM
Thanks for all that moondogs.  Mrs Nose is keen on wildlife - particularly birds and that - but she probably won't have enough time to do much and, as she's going (IF she goes) in the winter I'm guessing the days are short.

RE the "tensions" - I think they're only in the political offices these days.  I saw a documentary about the war a few years ago and there were plenty of civilians on both "sides" that didn't really seem to care one way or another, I'm guessing because it's so desolate.

I agree about the tensions. The actual islanders seemed like friendly people and the place feels very British, there's no issues or conflict at all amongst the people there (that I could see), it was only in parts of Argentina where you felt like it was probably best not to go around bleating about the Falklands.

It's a really unique place and it would be an adventure to live there for a while.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Blue Jam on September 09, 2020, 03:42:47 PM
Belize looks beautiful but any place where Saul Goodman sends his clients' enemies can't be good.

Also it's got botflies. I never want to go anywhere that has botflies. I'm not squeamish and I generally like creepy crawlies but botflies can fuck right off.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 03:46:08 PM
Thanks for the pics moondogs.  It looks...brown.


Also it's got botflies. I never want to go anywhere that has botflies. I'm not squeamish and I generally like creepy crawlies but botflies can fuck the fuck off.

Agreed.  Mrs Nose is a big fan of things like Embarrassing Bodies and Dr Pimple Popper, and she watched one on YouTube recently where a guy had one just about to come out.  Looked like he had a third nipple that had a mind of it's own (idea for Man With the Golden Gun sequel).  Grim.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Blue Jam on September 09, 2020, 03:58:57 PM
I once allowed my morbid curiosity to get the better of me and watched a video of a woman having about seven of the fuckers removed. I think seeing just one get popped out was enough for me. Not to mention the big fucking hole it left behind.

I'll stay up here with the wee Highland Midges, thanks.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: bgmnts on September 09, 2020, 04:04:41 PM
Belize looks beautiful but any place where Saul Goodman sends his clients' enemies can't be good.

Also it's got botflies. I never want to go anywhere that has botflies. I'm not squeamish and I generally like creepy crawlies but botflies can fuck right off.

Yeah but watching them get pulled out of animals/people gives me the most perverse pleasure and sense of shared relief. Almost worth the risk.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 04:08:29 PM
Yeah but watching them get pulled out of animals/people gives me the most perverse pleasure and sense of shared relief. Almost worth the risk.

That's exactly why Mrs Nose loves all that stuff.

It's odd - she can quite happily watch things like that and real operations without batting an eyelid, but when I'm watching some shit very low budget 70s Italian horror film she thinks I'm a sick weirdo.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Captain Z on September 09, 2020, 04:09:13 PM
An island near Argentina, which is a hot place, that has penguins? Come off it.

South Africa has penguins.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: imitationleather on September 09, 2020, 04:10:13 PM
Australia has Tim Tams.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 04:10:30 PM
South Africa has penguins.

NOW BEND OVER AND STICK THEM UP YOUR ANUS!!!!!
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 09, 2020, 04:26:06 PM
(https://i.ibb.co/5rXT0fH/20170326-untitled-008.jpg) (https://ibb.co/HtL7Sk8)

I note no taps in the other pub picture and loads of bottles here. Is draught not a thing?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Blue Jam on September 09, 2020, 04:28:28 PM
That's exactly why Mrs Nose loves all that stuff.

It's odd - she can quite happily watch things like that and real operations without batting an eyelid, but when I'm watching some shit very low budget 70s Italian horror film she thinks I'm a sick weirdo.

I can watch earwax removal. I love cleaning ears (mine and other people's, and my last dog's) but I never saw the appeal of pimple poppin' videos.

I would quite like to get one of those blackhead extractors though, the little face hoover things that gently suck all the accumulated crap out of your pores. That would be a fun night in. It's different when it's your own.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Sebastian Cobb on September 09, 2020, 04:30:58 PM
I can watch earwax removal. I love cleaning ears (mine and other people's, and my last dog's) but I never saw the appeal of pimple poppin' videos.

When I got my ears syringed I asked if I could see the gunk and the nurse let out a slightly baffled 'oh... I've tipped most of it away now' as if this was unusual request. Surely not?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: idunnosomename on September 09, 2020, 04:33:50 PM
We have penguins.i saw some in regents park.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Blue Jam on September 09, 2020, 04:35:44 PM
When I got my ears syringed I asked if I could see the gunk and the nurse let out a slightly baffled 'oh... I've tipped most of it away now' as if this was unusual request. Surely not?

Spoilsport. I had a GP check my ears a while ago as I'd had some bad tinnitus but she just took a quick look down them and told me they were clean as a whistle and didn't need syringing. I was so disappointed.

When I had an ultrasound on my uterus and ovaries the sonographer wouldn't let me look at the screen. Probably because she had been looking for nasties rather than babies but I still wanted to have a good ol' butchers at my insides.

When I had a punch removal of a mole (a molepunch) the surgeon let me have a good look at the removed plug of my own flesh, handing me the mole in a little sample jar. She knew.

Erm, the Falklands then... penguins sound like dirty bastards tbh. I prefer puffins and we have those much closer to home.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Dr Rock on September 09, 2020, 04:43:49 PM
South Africa has penguins.

I know. They brought them in because of the way they keep the black and white separate.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Rich Uncle Skeleton on September 09, 2020, 06:21:20 PM
I note no taps in the other pub picture and loads of bottles here. Is draught not a thing?

Doesn't sound too common judging by this article. (https://www.nationalgeographic.co.uk/2018/03/falkland-islands-worlds-most-remote-microbrewery/amp) Iron Lady IPA, though, jesus..
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Blue Jam on September 09, 2020, 06:35:29 PM
Doesn't sound too common judging by this article. (https://www.nationalgeographic.co.uk/2018/03/falkland-islands-worlds-most-remote-microbrewery/amp) Iron Lady IPA, though, jesus..

Ooooofff...

Quote
a handful of traditional British pubs, such as the Victory Bar and the Globe Tavern, which come complete with pool tables, live football on the TV and fish and chips... Best of all, it only costs from £2.80 a pint

It sounds like Benidorm minus the sun.

As for "the most remote microbrewery on the planet"? I beg to differ:

http://mahinabeer.com
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 06:44:05 PM
Well, Mrs Nose isn't the biggest drinker and has only relatively recently started again whilst slowly withdrawing from antidepressants, so what booze is available will be very low down on the priority list.  She'll probs have her fill on yhe flights there and back to calm her nerves.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: monkfromhavana on September 09, 2020, 09:13:58 PM
How often do they get restocked with supplies off ships/planes etc? I imagine it being like a desolate space station where there is a big clock counting down until the supply boat comes in and once again the island is stuffed to the gills with Wagon Wheels, PG Tips, Bernard Matthews turkey burgers etc/
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on September 09, 2020, 09:24:36 PM
How often do they get restocked with supplies off ships/planes etc? I imagine it being like a desolate space station where there is a big clock counting down until the supply boat comes in and once again the island is stuffed to the gills with Wagon Wheels, PG Tips, Bernard Matthews turkey burgers etc/

They have a silo filled with enough Angel Delight (Butterscotch flavour obvs, why settle for anything else?) to last them until the Falklands are attacked by the Argies again only this time with soldiers on hoverboards shooting lazers and suchlike.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: monkfromhavana on September 09, 2020, 09:32:12 PM
They have a silo filled with enough Angel Delight (Butterscotch flavour obvs, why settle for anything else?) to last them until the Falklands are attacked by the Argies again only this time with soldiers on hoverboards shooting lazers and suchlike.

Is the Angel Delight in its original powdered state, or has it had the milk added? If it has, spoilage is going to turn their silo of mousse into butterscotch flavoured cheese. If it hasn't, where are they getting the milk from?

Don't say "cows".
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 09:34:06 PM
Is the Angel Delight in its original powdered state, or has it had the milk added? If it has, spoilage is going to turn their silo of mousse into butterscotch flavoured cheese. If it hasn't, where are they getting the milk from?

Don't say "cows".

Penguins.


I fucking love butterscotch Angel Delight, so I've just decided I'm going in Mrs Nose's place.  I don't know anything about corporate workwear, but I'll take a Plumbase catalogue so it looks like I'm professional.  I'll be dead and bloated on the beach with AD seeping from every orifice.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: monkfromhavana on September 09, 2020, 09:43:25 PM
Penguins.


Can you ask your wife to milk a penguin whilst she's over there to see what kind of quantities we're talking about. I reckon you'd need the milk of about 30 penguins to make one packet of Angel Delight.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on September 09, 2020, 09:47:06 PM
Is the Angel Delight in its original powdered state, or has it had the milk added? If it has, spoilage is going to turn their silo of mousse into butterscotch flavoured cheese. If it hasn't, where are they getting the milk from?

Don't say "cows".

It's in its powdered state as it would have been in 1980s, none of this ready made modern Angel Delight muck. Sheep's milk is readily available once the the UHT has ran out.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 09, 2020, 09:49:04 PM
Can you ask your wife to milk a penguin whilst she's over there to see what kind of quantities we're talking about. I reckon you'd need the milk of about 30 penguins to make one packet of Angel Delight.

Quite bitter.  Should've gone with strawberry.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 09, 2020, 10:29:47 PM
The brewery of Iron Lady IPA should be bombed. I do not apologise.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: touchingcloth on September 09, 2020, 10:37:11 PM
Spunk IPA.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: paruses on September 10, 2020, 10:05:40 AM
It's in its powdered state as it would have been in 1980s, none of this ready made modern Angel Delight muck. Sheep's milk is readily available once the the UHT has ran out.

You can buy ready made Angel Delight?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 10, 2020, 10:08:31 AM
You can buy ready made Angel Delight?

Yes, but it's not the same.  And you can still get the powdered mix.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: buttgammon on September 10, 2020, 10:17:07 AM
Does it come in a plastic tub or something? Genuinely never seen or heard of this.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 10, 2020, 10:19:10 AM
Does it come in a plastic tub or something? Genuinely never seen or heard of this.

Yeah, it looks like a yogurt or mousse (which is where it's found in the fridge).  The only supermarket near us that sells it is Tesco - https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/294606590 (https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/294606590)

The ready made one is made with skimmed milk so, if like me you prefer it richer and make it with semi (or even full-fat for a particular treat), it tastes a bit thin and disappointing.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: buttgammon on September 10, 2020, 10:43:06 AM
Yeah, it looks like a yogurt or mousse (which is where it's found in the fridge).  The only supermarket near us that sells it is Tesco - https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/294606590 (https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/294606590)

The ready made one is made with skimmed milk so, if like me you prefer it richer and make it with semi (or even full-fat for a particular treat), it tastes a bit thin and disappointing.

That looks really unpleasant, I'd much rather go to the (minimal) effort of making it from powdered!
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: paruses on September 10, 2020, 01:02:18 PM
Yeah, it looks like a yogurt or mousse (which is where it's found in the fridge).  The only supermarket near us that sells it is Tesco - https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/294606590 (https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/294606590)

The ready made one is made with skimmed milk so, if like me you prefer it richer and make it with semi (or even full-fat for a particular treat), it tastes a bit thin and disappointing.

Thanks - it looks terrible. Would rather go the the Falklands I think.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 10, 2020, 01:17:24 PM
Thanks - it looks terrible. Would rather go the the Falklands I think.

Eating a pot of ready made Angel Delight on a grey bit of barren land on the Falklands.  A solitary penguin waddles over, turns around, takes a shit on your boot, turns back round to look at you and then waddles off again.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Uncle TechTip on September 10, 2020, 01:34:47 PM
Three fruit machines seems a bit excessive for this utterly pointless landmass.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 10, 2020, 01:35:55 PM
Three fruit machines seems a bit excessive for this utterly pointless landmass.

There is also one of those little Pacman game units from the 80s, but the batteries have run out and the next battery delivery isn't until next summer.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on September 10, 2020, 01:40:17 PM
A pervert pays the only prostitute in the Falklands to allow him to lick Butterscotch Angel Delight off her tits using his winnings from one of the island's 3 fruit machines.


RIP Desolation
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 10, 2020, 01:42:25 PM
winnings from one of the island's 3 fruit machines.

£5 maximum win.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on September 10, 2020, 02:01:25 PM
£5 maximum win.

Paid out in tokens to be redeemed only at the bar.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on September 10, 2020, 02:01:48 PM
Angel Delight not included in offer.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on September 11, 2020, 06:18:17 AM
the only prostitute in the Falklands




Simon & Garfunkel consider rewrite.
( that Dr. Beat hasn't fazed me at all.)
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on October 05, 2020, 01:21:50 PM
Well this won't be happening now as Mrs Nose has this morning been told her job is going, along with about 90% of the company globally.

Good times!
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Bazooka on October 05, 2020, 02:07:36 PM
Ouch,sorry to hear chap.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: idunnosomename on October 05, 2020, 02:39:51 PM
Well this won't be happening now as Mrs Nose has this morning been told her job is going, along with about 90% of the company globally.

Good times!
all excited for nothing. no ready-made angel delight for you
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on October 05, 2020, 02:40:42 PM
Nevermind, once the covid pandemic is over, you can both hop on a plane and visit the Falklands together. She was clearly looking forward to it, and you wished you were going too.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on October 05, 2020, 02:49:14 PM
Ouch,sorry to hear chap.

Thanks.


all excited for nothing. no ready-made angel delight for you

We'll only be able to afford supermarket own brand now.


Nevermind, once the covid pandemic is over, you can both hop on a plane and visit the Falklands together. She was clearly looking forward to it, and you wished you were going too.

Tell me about it - those pics were extremely tantalising.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: The Mollusk on October 05, 2020, 03:29:48 PM
Great, just bloody great. How are we ever going to know if the LONGDON PRIDE ale is any good now? I hope your wife is proud of herself.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Sin Agog on October 05, 2020, 03:36:36 PM
Maybe we can make 'gone to the Falklands' the official euphemism for being made redundant?
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Shit Good Nose on October 05, 2020, 03:50:23 PM
Great, just bloody great. How are we ever going to know if the LONGDON PRIDE ale is any good now? I hope your wife is proud of herself.

SO many things we'll never know now.  I've told her to go and stand in the corner for ten minutes.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Uncle TechTip on October 05, 2020, 03:55:38 PM
Sorry to hear this, hope this is only a temporary setback.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Rich Uncle Skeleton on October 05, 2020, 04:02:23 PM
Boooo
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Non Stop Dancer on October 05, 2020, 07:39:30 PM
The world's fucked. We'll be on 50% unemployed by the end of this.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: EOLAN on October 06, 2020, 02:01:34 PM
When Priti Patel recently considered sending asylum seekers to Ascension Island.
I presume she wouldn't dare suggest to do it for the Falklands; which is pretty much similar and even less exotic for these people; cos of the emblematic pride it stokes up in those on the right while with no war over Ascenscion Island it has a disconnect that she can just send people away to.
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: idunnosomename on October 06, 2020, 07:42:11 PM
those illegal scum would just gorge on ready-made angel delight and play on the three fruit machines all day!!!
Title: Re: Anyone been to the Falklands?
Post by: Elderly Sumo Prophecy on October 06, 2020, 07:47:52 PM
Apparently the patron Saint of the Falklands is St. Peter Falk.