Tom Hibbert and other music-journos turned comedians.

[Ciarán2]

What I am most interested in reading lately are articles by people like David Quantick, David Stubbs, Stuart Maconie, Andrew Collins, David Cavanagh, Graham Linehan, and particularly Tom Hibbert. There seems to be a big overlap of people who write wittily about rock music and make for good comedy writers.

"It were all Fields of the Nephilim round here when I were a lad..."
I haven't seen "Lloyd Cole Knew My Father", but I loved SOTCAA's article on "Collins, Maconie and Quantick". "Quantick's World" was great, and I loved "Thrills" in the NME, when it started out. They don't do "Thrills" any more, do they? Last I looked there was this leopard wearing sunglasses dispensing music news. And that was about it (intentional) comedy-wise for that NME edition.

"I'd rather drink tepid dog-spunk through a f**king straw than listen to U2..."
Looking at David Stubbs' web-log recently was a nice nostalgic trip, I wasn't a big fan of Mr. Agreeable at the time - I just thought it was a slag off of everything, without any position, which seemed a bit pointless - but now I remember how pleased I was to see indie-bands be called cretinous useless negligible tossers with the same cosistency and regularity as the such insults are dispensed to people like Phil Collins and Lenny Kravitz.

"Two enterprising Witlshire dole-ites intend to release and delete a new single every week for the next year or until all their money runs out."
David Cavanagh's "Closing Time" bits in Select were the standout feature of that great magazine for a while. He went on to write "Never Mind The Buzzcocks" which I've never been a fan of. I'm interested in reading his autobiography, I hope it's as entertaining as his Creation records biog "My Magpie Eyes Are Hungry For The Prize".

"I'm not asking you to comb the bloody legend's hair, but you could at least mention the new record..."
Tom Hibbert is/was a fantastic writer. I think he's at Word Magazine now, along with the old guard from Smash Hits and Q. His writing in those magazines influenced my sense of humour quite a lot, whilst displaying a genuine affection for the things he wrote about. He was sneery, but only just so. I think he's one of the most overlooked satirists of his generation. He instigated the "Who The Hell..." column in Q, of course. And that was great for a few years, til people started to twig and refuse interviews. I was thrilled to see him appear in C4's "25 Years of Smash Hits" last year, where he spoke about his Smash Hits interview with Margaret Thatcher. Mark Ellen once said that Hibbert's real talent was the way he was comfortable with silences. He'd switch on the tape recorder and just say something like "So...George Michael/Paul Weller/Neil Tennant/whoever...you're number one...." And he'd let the interviewee fill the silences out of nerviness. A great man, with a great way with words.  

P.S. Sorry, moderators, wasn't sure which forum to post this in as it covers all three, but it's the comedy angle to the aforementioned scribes' scribblings that I'm interested in hearing people's opinions on.

[Jemble Fred]

And Arthur Mathews.

[Ciarán2]

Sorry, yes of course - his cartoons in the NME were great weren't they? I remember one about "Bruce Springsteen's two-wheeled invention" around the time of "Lucky Town/Human Touch".

Hmmmnn, it is a novelty and yet strangely old fashioned..."

Here's something Fall-related from Arthur Matthews/Dr. Crawshaft
http://www.visi.com/fall/news/pics/drcrawshaft.jpg

[alan strang]

What I am most interested in reading lately are articles by people like David Quantick, David Stubbs, Stuart Maconie, Andrew Collins, David Cavanagh, Graham Linehan, and particularly Tom Hibbert.

The Tom Hibbert/Mark Ellen-era Smash Hits was a wonderful wonderful thing. I wish you could buy bound volumes of those years.

"I'm not asking you to comb the bloody legend's hair, but you could at least mention the new record..."

Ringo Starr, unless I'm very much mistaken. "What umbrage is this?" Marvellous  stuff and sorely missed.  Would the "Who The Hell..." pieces even be allowable these days? I doubt it - the PR bods would take one look at who the interviewer was and cancel the meeting.

"Amused To Death is fucking fucking good, isn't it?"

[Emergency Lalla Ward Ten]

'Jason Donovan's cover of Sealed With A Kiss has been held back until July due to the song having something of a summer "lilt".'  (Bitz)

[alan strang]

A publisher writes:
I say, Miss Pringle, that is a rather fetching "top" you're wearing. I wonder if I might venture to...' (Sniiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiip! Away with you, pervo!)

[TJ]

The Bruno Brookes Pop Column!

"Hi kids! Catch you again in a fortnight!"

[alan strang]

An interview with Martin Degville's foot:

"Hi readers, I'm Martin Degville's left foot, and I'm pleased to be out of that rather uncomfortable spook-boot for a while. Phew!"

Great Beards In Rock:

(caption under a photo of Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull):
"Relax, girls, he's married! In fact he's probably a great great grandfather by now!"

One of Tom Hibbert's finest moments was when he was sent to interview Clare Usher (the obnoxious kid who sang 'It's Orrible Being In Love When You're Eight and Half') and treated the whole thing as if it was a serious pop interview - the accompanying photo was a moody monochrome shot of said "child" "star" standing by a school gate with a serious expression.

The interview was curtailed when Usher heard the 'chocolate van' coming down the street and ran off shouting "Ello? Ello? Are you full of chocolate?"

The article ended with the line "A child of the universe".

[Emergency Lalla Ward Ten]

'The Clash always had their photos taken in toilets because they cared so much about the kids.'

[benthalo]

I recently had the enormous pleasure to buy a complete set of Selects, so I've been feasting on those whenever I've had a spare moment. If there are any requests, I'll try to dig them out for scanning. Linehan & Mathews did a series of fun ad parodies which most people would have unwittingly skipped over. I'll see if I can find them.

[benthalo]

From the April 1995 issue. They got bollocked for using official insignia on the first one.

[Ambient Sheep]

Very good...but who's the bloke on the bottom left?

[Clinton Morgan]

I only knew Tom Hibbert* in his days when writing reviews for The Mail on Sunday. He was brilliant and upset a lot of people which in my view is a good thing. He wrote how he got letters of complaint from fans saying " so and so is a great performer/band because he/she/they has/have sold millions of records so stop slagging him/her/them off." Tom pointed out that a record is either good or bad and it has nothing to do with sales figures. I also recall him writing about how the artistes actually hate their fans thus pooh-poohing on the notion that fans think they are important to their idols because, " We put them where they are."

Or as Sean Hughes put it, " I wrote a letter to Kevin Rowlands inviting him round for tea and I expected him to come."


* in writing terms. I didn't know him personally.

[Ben Ordinary]

Very good...but who's the bloke on the bottom left?

Alan Hansen, isnt it?

[benthalo]

I only knew Tom Hibbert* in his days when writing reviews for The Mail on Sunday.

That was a fantastic column! 1994 - 96ish? My Dad's bought the Mail every day of his life and that's one of the few periods in my life where I made a point of keeping every column.

Didn't he fuck off to Rolling Stone after that? Dunno what happened there.

[Ciarán2]

On a geeky note, I have hundreds of Smash Hits from 1980-2004 if there's any use I can put them to I'd do it. It does seem a great shame Smash Hits golden age (I would say 1983-1990) is destined to slide into total obscurity. If only there was a similarly witty pop magazine around today. There are a few Smash Hits type writers about, notably Pete Robinson of NME and The Observer. People say Heat magazine carries on where Smash Hits left off, but it's so nasty, and negative. That's no good at all.

A Smash Hits memory...

The lyrics they printed to Steve 'Silk? Hurley's 1987 number 1, "Jack Your Body"...paraphrasing a bit but you get the picture.

J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-jack your body
J-j-jack your body
your body
your body
y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-your body
b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-body
J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-jack
y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-your body
Jack your body (repeat 23 times)
(rather a long bit where it goes j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-jack)

"Words" and music by Steve Silk Hurley reproduced by kind permission.

[benthalo]

1983 - 1990. I'd go with that. It was very strange to still have it delivered in 1991 when it had clearly turned into a girl's magazine.

I think I learnt the phrase "ad infinitum" from the Smash Hits lyrics pull-out.

[cilamc]

Smash Hits is responsible for me always referring to...

Sir Cliff Richard (years before he was a Sir, crucially), Sir Samuel Saucepot of Fox, Paul Fab Macca Wacky Thumbs Aloft McCartney, Adam "Clear off!" Clayton, Dame David Bowie, ver Mode, ver Ballet, Salty Simon Le Bon and "a so-called famous so-called astrologer".

And quoting...
Mick Hucknall "So who's the biggest tosser you've ever interviewed then?"
Morrissey "Alphaville should have been drowned at birth."
Adam Clayton "Listen, we're not a packet of Corn Flakes, you know."
Cliff Richard "I invented rock n roll, it was all my idea."
Shakin' Stevens "My hobbies are rock and roll, golf, and thinking about my fans."

And Personal File asking people...
Have you ever been sick on a daffodil?
Would you like to go carp-fishing with Delroy Pearson?
Are you any cop at hurling (i.e. mental gaelic "sport" where big men hit each other with planks. Or something.)?
What colour is Tuesday?
Do you ever think "hey, it's just like punk never happened..."?

Not to mention my use of phrases like "back, Back, BACK!!!",  (you're sacked - Ed) and "down the dumper".

[Ambient Sheep]

Very good...but who's the bloke on the bottom left?

Alan Hansen, isnt it?

<Marvin> Ah yes.  Football. </Marvin>

That explains my ignorance.  Thanks.

I have some old Smash Hits as well, but probably only a tiny subset of Ciarán's.  But yes, within that 1983-1990 golden age (probably around 1984-1986).  I also have some Number 1 magazines from the same period, not really the same thing though, but not bad.

[Emergency Lalla Ward Ten]

"Words" and music by Steve Silk Hurley reproduced by kind permission.

Now that's comedy.

[Emergency Lalla Ward Ten]

I loved Smash Hits in its mid-80s glory days. It took the piss out of everything, yet the fact that it did it so *well* meant that it was strangely respectful of chart music at the same time. Perfect balance. You could adore pop music (as I did) and love the magazine, but you could also be sniffy about it and love the magazine.

Genuine question: why aren't pop mags like that any more? Why wasn't 'Um, I don't think they'll get the references' a concern in 1986? I mean, the mid-80s was a hugely competitive time for music publuications after all. Is it because the PR fuckers (ie, people with no sense of humour) run everything and they'd find the Ellen/Hibbert approach confusing?

[non capisco]

I suppose the only near equivalent today is 'Popworld' on C4, the approach of which owes practically everything to 'Smash Hits', but I get tired of Simon Amstell having a backhanded sneer at everyone they have on. There is a difference between the two that made Smash Hits' pisstaking seem like it was rooted in an affection for pop music and Popworld's border on the smug.

[alan strang]

On a geeky note, I have hundreds of Smash Hits from 1980-2004 if there's any use I can put them to I'd do it.

All the makings of an on-line archive. I'd be prepared to assemble something along those lines and stick it on SOTCAA webspace.

Have a hunt through and see if you can find the issues which carried the Bitz Book Of Life, or whatever it was called. That would be a good start, if only for the "reviews" of 'Love Is An Uphill Struggle' by Jimmy Savile and 'Disco Bloodbath'.

I wish I still had by Smash Hits Dish Towel and "commemorative pendant (ie a badge)"

The lyrics they printed to Steve 'Silk? Hurley's 1987 number 1, "Jack Your Body"...paraphrasing a bit but you get the picture.

Remember their lyrical translation of 'La Bamba'?

And the Bitz guide to Batman (with its constant references to villains stealing statues from Gotham City museum).

Do you ever think "hey, it's just like punk never happened..."?

The staff catchphrase of one Neil Tennant! When he left the magazine for a "career" in the "music" "biz" they presented him with a framed mock-up Smash Hits cover featuring himself - and that quote included in the headlines.

Even Kipper Williams' cartoons were great. Usually on the 'Mutterings' page. Bruce Springsteen's credit card telling him "You've got funny teeth" and all.

Uh-oh, I'm about to be hit on the head by a gigantic picnic table.

[TJ]

Remember their lyrical translation of 'La Bamba'?

'Rock Me Amadeus' was better:

"he was a punk rocker, and he lived in a city, in a sausage near Vienna, he always thought that his hat should be in a fish tank..."

And the Bitz guide to Batman (with its constant references to villains stealing statues from Gotham City museum).

And the "Star Trek" one too. "Well Sulu, looks like it's time for you to be captured" - "'Aye' sir"

Even Kipper Williams' cartoons were great. Usually on the 'Mutterings' page. Bruce Springsteen's credit card telling him "You've got funny teeth" and all.

There was a Smash Hits yearbook once that had a comic strip entitled "The Adventures Of Bubbles - He's A Chimp" written by Tom Hibbert and drawn by Kipper Williams, and it was fantastic stuff. Same went for their later collaboration "The Fly - He's Always In The Soup", which seemed to exist solely to upset passionate fans of teen pop stars.

[Ambient Sheep]

Kipper Williams was always good, but "Dick" from MM was my favourite music cartoon strip.

I'm also reminded of the time that Smash Hits printed - a few weeks late, "by massive popular demand" apparently - the lyrics toThe  Art of Noise's "Close (to the Edit)".  Altogether now:

Dum, dum, du-du-du-du-duh, dum.
Dum, dum, dum.
(Tra-la-la).

and so forth...

[Robot DeNiro]

I suppose the only near equivalent today is 'Popworld' on C4, the approach of which owes practically everything to 'Smash Hits', but I get tired of Simon Amstell having a backhanded sneer at everyone they have on.

I agree about Popworld's similarity to the spirit of Smash Hits, but Simon Amstell doesn't sneer at everyone.  It's always good when you can tell that he actually genuinely likes someone, and is interested in what they have to say.  Recent examples would be Estelle, Do Me Bad Things and The Zutons (who Popworld have "claimed", whatever that means.  In fact this week they admitted that they don't know what it means either).  Of course the sneering is a lot of fun as well:

Miquita: Who's your favourite member of Blue?
Simon:...I like Franz Ferdinand

A while ago I started a thread in SE about Popworld, if anyone's interested.

http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=3422

The only thing I really remember about Smash Hits is the deliberate mis-spelling of the word "actually".

[Ciarán2]

Of course it's no coincidence that two Smash Hits buzzwords "pur-lease!" and "actualloi" respectively became the titles of the Pet Shop Boys first two albums.

On a geeky note, I have hundreds of Smash Hits from 1980-2004 if there's any use I can put them to I'd do it.

All the makings of an on-line archive. I'd be prepared to assemble something along those lines and stick it on SOTCAA webspace.

I think I might just take you up on that offer, but it'll have to wait til the new year as all my old pop magazines are at home in Dublin (and I'm currently living in Spain).

[Peking O]

Genuine question: why aren't pop mags like that any more?

This is only slightly relevant, but there's an excellent posting on Momus' blog about the decline of NME/music magazines in general.

'Your bigger, better NME starts inside', says this week's edition of the NME. Now this is a parody of cliched marketing-speak, right? And yet it is also cliched marketing speak. So is it ironic or sincere? A joke or a plug? Have the inverted commas around a moronic phrase sort of melted away, leaving a kind of sincerity?

http://www.livejournal.com/users/imomus/56044.html

[Ciarán2]

*Bump*

I'm using this as a poster at the moment, it's a good laugh I think. Collins, Maconie and Quantick at their best...also contains Momus. It's from the Christmas NME from 1991.



I doubt you can read the entries so I'll reproduce one below...

PUBLIC ENEMY (12)

Formed in a toy shop, The Bronx, Chuck D (real name: Kiki D) met some hardos who couldn't play any instruments and Professor Gryff Rhys Jones. The rest is rap history!!!!

Chuck D - writing songs and doing proper things that people in proper groups do.

Terminator II - He'll be back.

Clocko - Oh how frightening! A bloody big clock! Run for your lives everyone!

GRAND IMPERIAL PRIME MINISTER OF HARDNESS AND TERROR, LORD BOFFO, THE RIGHT HON. MEMBER OF DEATH PARLIAMENT - Holding a water pistol.

Vanilla Ice - "As well as being world unicycle champion, first man on mars and being able to assume goat-form at will, I was in Public Enemy. Plus, I have shagged Madonna for real! Haha!"

Bez - I thought he was with you.

Linda McCartney - Search me.

The headline at the top reads: "They said it couldn't be done. For your festive joy, NME is proud as punch to present the Rock Family Tree to end all Rock Family Trees (hurrah!). The entire history of rock with NOBODY LEFT OUT AT ALL...except Carter!"

[benthalo]

Maconie once told me that the three of them spent a whole day working on that at the NME office, largely in tears. Isn't there a Jefferson Starship reference in there somewhere, or am I thinking of another tree?