Great heckles of the 20th Century (and 21st Century, but that's not quite so snappy a title. Snappier than it would have been without this, though.)

[A Passing Turk Slipper]

Douglas played Spartacus.
Edit: Damn you Rudi, you just can't fail.

[MissInformed]

Not a heckle, but a response to a heckle of sorts. Watching Dave Gorman doing his Googlewhack Adventure at Fairfield Halls in Croydon. Someone yelled something unintelligible. Gorman replied "Lights, stage, microphone. They're all clues to who SHOULD be talking and it's not you!"

[easytarget]

"Look, what do you want?"

Devastating.

I'm fairly sure this was Mark Lamarr 's answer to what's the best heckle you've ever heard.

[Morrisfan82]

I farted loudly when Jon Oliver was on The Daily Show last night. I'd like to think he heard.

[Godzilla Bankrolls]

Not a heckle, but a response to a heckle of sorts. Watching Dave Gorman doing his Googlewhack Adventure at Fairfield Halls in Croydon. Someone yelled something unintelligible. Gorman replied "Lights, stage, microphone. They're all clues to who SHOULD be talking and it's not you!"

That's a stock putdown, isn't it?

[rudi]

The Fart heard 'Round the World...

[Paperlung]

A response to a heckle...
At the first Phoenix festival way back when, Linda Smith was going down in flames with two drunk guys heckling relentlessly.  Eventually Smith says, "I'm sorry, this stuff's usually funny..."  "Well, it's not now," sayeth the hecklers.  Linda Smith bursts into tears and flees the stage.  Everyone feels horrible.  MC for the day was Dominic Holland who comes back out, tries to warm the crowd up again and is similarly badgered by the two drunks.  "All right," says Holland, "There's two of you, right?  There's - what?" - he surveys the audience - "Five hundred of us?"  To the people at the back of the tent he says, "Close the flaps...just make sure no-one can see in.  Right, here's what we're going to do.  We're going to kill them.  We're going to bury them.  Then we're all going to watch the show.  And when we leave here, we won't say a word.  Five hundred people will swear they were never here."

[explodingvinyl]

.  "All right," says Holland, "There's two of you, right?  There's - what?" - he surveys the audience - "Five hundred of us?"  To the people at the back of the tent he says, "Close the flaps...just make sure no-one can see in.  Right, here's what we're going to do.  We're going to kill them.  We're going to bury them.  Then we're all going to watch the show.  And when we leave here, we won't say a word.  Five hundred people will swear they were never here."

Ha, I love that .

Wil Anderson was asked this question for edfringe.com, this is what he replied. I think it's wonderous.

"I love that audiences in Scotland want to take part in the show. The last
time I was in Edinburgh a guy from Glasgow heckled me with the line:
"Australians are so lazy they wouldn't pull a greasy stick out of a dog's
arse!" I realised he wasn¹t just heckling me, he was heckling my entire
country. I said: "Mate as a proud Australian, I don¹t think we give a shit.
I think we're a little more concerned what Scottish people are doing
sticking it up there in the first place. How bad are you at playing fetch?
What¹s going to happen if I pull it out, am I going to become King of all
England?" "

[SOTS]

But that one's not actually true, is it? It's just an urban legend -

http://www.snopes.com/movies/actors/zadora.asp

I like to think it is. Perhaps it happened at a performance that wasn't that of "Pia Zadora."

Agh! I hate Snopes anyway. Every time I read their site, I always read some of the gruesome myths and legends (some of which are true, which makes it worse.) and I tend to feel a bit ill and very wary. And Snopes ruin everything as well. I refuse to let them ruin my belief that Bert and Ernie are a gay couple.

[Xander]

But that one's not actually true, is it? It's just an urban legend -

http://www.snopes.com/movies/actors/zadora.asp

I like to think it is. Perhaps it happened at a performance that wasn't that of "Pia Zadora."

Agh! I hate Snopes anyway. Every time I read their site, I always read some of the gruesome myths and legends (some of which are true, which makes it worse.) and I tend to feel a bit ill and very wary. And Snopes ruin everything as well. I refuse to let them ruin my belief that Bert and Ernie are a gay couple.

Read the last few lines. Unless it's a completely new version of The Diary of Anne Frank which actually includes the Nazis?

[Catalogue Trousers]

One I love is preserved on one of John Cooper-Clarke's live recordings. A classic comeback to a truly crap heckle.

JCC is about to start reciting The Bronze Adonis. Pissed-up heckler takes exception to this...

HECKLER: SHUTYOURMOUTHANDGIVEYERBRAINACHANCE!!!!

JCC (with perfect timing): ...Heh. I can't hear yer, mate, yer mouth's full o' shit!