Desopotamia 8: Lament for Enkidu

[Fambo Number Mive]

Darren spends much of his 50th birthday wishing he was being fucked by a horse. "Face down in a bale of hay as it does its thing" he thinks wistfully while eating birthday cake.

[shoulders]

Jogging through an area with rapists on mopeds so you can hit your 10,000 steps for the day.

[shoulders]

CC-ing the Crown Prosecution Service into your solidarity message to 'all paedophiles globally'.

[Vodkafone]

Hailing from Berwick-upon-Tweed and of mixed Scottish and English heritage, porridge enthusiast Callum White is perfectly placed to once and for all settle the famous argument over what you should put on your bowl of oaty goodness of a morning: base speed.

[poo]

Your browsing thumb will only take you to web pages about Slobodan Milošević.

[shoulders]

On your first night in Paphos the taverna is all laughing at VICTOR HE HAS A FOOT IN THE GRAVE. Pure losing it. Haven't been watching it or anything.

[poo]

A sudden rip in the space-time continuum results in you ejaculating over your mother's breasts as you are born.

[The Bumlord]

Sat with eyes propped open like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, watching every single episode of Location Location Location on repeat for twelve years

[Cerys]

... and enjoying it.

[poo]

A marriage counsellor suggests you try wearing a Martin Clunes mask during sex.

[Vodkafone]

A marriage counsellor suggests you try wearing a Martin Clunes mask during sex.

You are hopeful this will rescue your marriage to Martin Clunes.

[Fambo Number Mive]

You discover a Playmobil figure that has been lodged up your rectum for six years. You have no idea how it got there, but decide to keep it anyway. It's washed and siting on your mantlepiece.

[Fishfinger]

,

[poo]

It's revealed that the "Cunt Song" is about you.

[Ferris]

Your 'Chode of the Year' Award is revoked. No reason given.

[Fishfinger]

A thousand years ago you etched out a big giant on a hillside. This is the one they'll remember you for. No.

[Theoretical Dentist]

Your 'Chode of the Year' Award is revoked. No reason given.

They didn't need to give a reason. Everyone's been expecting this for months.

[buttgammon]

'Is that voice offensive,' you ask 'and if so, who is it offensive to?'

[ollyboro]

Brian Blessed tells you to pipe down.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Your new business idea is just "farting on people's Scotch Eggs."

[shoulders]

Your jam makes people prefer kids.

[The Bumlord]

Getting excited for the annual wanksock scrape-out

[touchingcloth]

You spend Tuesday making and the rest of the week eating a gingerbread Treblinka.

[ollyboro]

Your attempt at writing an insulting Halloween based Limerick aimed at your rural living cousin is held up for ridicule when you struggle to find a word to rhyme with "bumpkin".

[ollyboro]

Menthol lard

[Vodkafone]

A muddy polar bear in a British wildlife park.

[poo]

Football

[Vodkafone]

Menthol lard

Twenty Menthol Lard please mate.

[Fambo Number Mive]

You admire the skid marks in this week's pair of underpants. Seven centimetres across, a new record.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Menthol lard

Amazing