Desolation: The Malignant Seven

[Ferris]

Phil Mitchell and Tony Blair team up to fight crime.

[Ferris]

Aliens make First Contact with humanity but the only one they'll speak to is Peter Kay.

[Ferris]

The boffins all agree - they call a press conference to announce that mathematically society peaked during Peter Kay's Mum Wants a Bungalow tour, before leaving the lecture and openly weeping.

[Chicory]

The wolf kicks your door down, eats your toes and shits on your face. Your doctor, therapist and family all agree you need to grow a pair.

[Martin Van Buren Stan]

Aliens make First Contact with humanity but the only one they'll speak to is Peter Kay.

"Your?!...Leader?!"

[Glebe]

He invites them to a show and they particularly like the bit where he gives a shout out to the nans up at the back, "It's like Cocoon!"

[Glebe]

A Donegal booze up turns into this season's premiere shitefest.

[shoulders]

Broadcasting to the world that you were brought up by being hit when you were bad and 'my kid will be too'.

[dex]

Phil Mitchell and Tony Blair team up to fight crime.

Lovely stuff!

[Glebe]

Phil Mitchell and Tony Blair team up to fight crime.

Phil is the one with an alcohol problem, but he's always there to provide a comforting shoulder to crimes' many victims.

[Ferris]

Your Del boy cosplay is poorly received.

[Glebe]

A giant Kevin Spacey balloon head floats by your house, staring in the window.

[Chicory]

David Jason's Kia-Ora crow cosplay is rapturously received.

[batwings]

Fading in a hospice bed, you spend your final minutes struggling to remember the punchline to a Richard Digance joke.

You come second in a useless twat contest. Your friends and family are unanimous: you were robbed!

Your only friend is a dormant nonce who always forgets your birthday.

[Ferris]

Nobody remarks on your new cowboy hat.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Your Rednex fan club package arrives twenty seven years late at your dead mum's maisonette.

Nice

[Evil Knevil]

Your March 28 2032 statement claiming to be "England's last living Terf" is appalling disproved in the Daily Mail comments section.

[Glebe]

A toffy-nosed homophobe spends Saturday evening repainting the boot-scraper and daydreaming about horseshoes.

[petril]

you commit to going everywhere barefoot in the hope you'll develop callouses thick enough to trim with a knife with cows' hooves

[Glebe]

Night out on a winter's Tuesday, "Two fat ladies, 88."

[Glebe]

A bitter eunuch attaches a plasticine penis to a sleeping neighbour's forehead following a rained-out barbeque.

[jenna appleseed]

A bitter eunuch attaches a plasticine penis to a sleeping neighbour's forehead following a rained-out barbeque.

Helan Penisland batters herself to death on seeing her reflection, between pointing, shouting PENIS! and uploading evidence of the evil object to twitter.

[Glebe]

A village fete ends in disaster when the local butcher is exposed naked shagging a ham hock inside the tombola.

"I'll just close the lid so you can finish up," mutters the Major, but they can hear him orgasming all over the square.

[Glebe]

A Preston-based Keith Harris lookalike contest goes awry when a drunken brawl breaks out onstage and several Keiths are brutally murdered.

[Ferris]

A minor collision sends grandad's hentai collection soaring over both lanes of the M1 southbound.

[batwings]

A Jive Bunny completist opens fire in a garden centre.

[Glebe]

Greg from Hove puts itching powder on his balls for kicks, "Looking forward to scratching all night!"

[shoulders]

Sinking $1.5mil into a sandwiches advertisement jingle based on the hit song Bandages by Hot Hot Heat.

[Ferris]

Your first sporting injury is early 30s playing football with a toddler.

ACL is fucked. Laugh it up you dickhead.

[Glebe]

Bobby Davro tribute night next to a sewage plant.