Support CaB

Subscribers don't see this.

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

August 16, 2022, 01:42:32 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Desolation: The Malignant Seven

Started by Ferris, February 21, 2022, 03:00:48 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

shoulders

For an anthropological experiment you spend a day of statutory annual leave mirroring the moves of a local seagull. This involves pecking at the remains of an apple core, shrieking at children and shitting on the pedestrian zone of Belper high street. This ends up a wasted endeavour as those were all things you were planning on doing anyway.

Glebe

Tiverton's Most Intriguing Anus, 2006.

Glebe

Perthshire is inundated with sex-mad furries during a wild pony outbreak.

Chicory

Burpham's annual black and white minstrel tribute party receives a like from Carol Vorderman.

shoulders

Chinning a paper boy for insufficient deference and 'poor gait'.

Glebe


Glebe

Bootle's most disappointing post office held up by man wearing home made Tom O' Connor mask.

shoulders

Being called a 'stupid fucking dipshit cunt' by the regional manager for your attempts at forging a skeleton key for 'all kids bedrooms in the Whalley/Clitheroe' area out of the shins of previous victims during your lunch breaks at Claires Accessories.

Glebe


batwings

A non-Suggs member of Madness follows you home.

While using your bath, Jim Davidson undergoes significant curdling.


Fishfinger

As the first human steps onto the surface of Mars, Geoffrey reflects that you're never more than about 3 feet from a rectum.

jenna appleseed

Quote from: batwings on June 29, 2022, 03:14:43 PMA non-Suggs member of Madness follows you home

A whole queue of them wacky dancing to the Kwik Fit jingle

Fishfinger

Heatwave, constipated, fat fly buzzing, next door blasting out a song with whistling in it.

Fishfinger

Some ignoble, sputile defecant, a failed abortion and general foul-pants plague rider, is slightly too slow for your liking packing their stuff at the till.

Fishfinger

The bucket of offal that replaced you post-redundancy passes the probationary period.

shoulders

Quote from: batwings on June 29, 2022, 03:14:43 PMWhile using your bath, Jim Davidson undergoes significant curdling.



True deso, that. Bravo

Twit 2

Your five-year-old daughter asks for a "painal" birthday party.

Glebe

A trillionaire sacks all it's staff, gives itself a bonus and buys The Isle of Wight, turning it into a private getaway which he renames 'Epstein Island'.

shoulders

Your career in pallet management ends after being caught wanking in the pallets, scraping cum off the pallets, defiling the pallets with rituals, creating a 'ethnically pure' pallet, destroying a pallet with your forearms, trying to listen to a pallet for 3 months to 'understand it', painting a pallet 'Gay', selling 400 pallets at illegal knockoff rates to Steak Terry, having a 'pallet war', divorcing your wife and sitting on 'Pallety' your new best mate and 'Bezzing around like a madman'.

Ferris

At what point in the process was I caught?

Glebe

Martin Goggins of Inverness is caught stimulating his frenulum in an outhouse.

Ferris

Against her express wishes, you use the wedding speech to explain how you'd "beat probably any of them at QI".

shoulders

Quote from: Glebe on June 30, 2022, 07:32:03 PMMartin Goggins of Inverness is caught stimulating his frenulum in an outhouse.

Martin Goggins from the outhouse, from the outhouse, Martin Goggins

Chicory

Stephen Fry whimsically narrates your prostate examination.

Glebe

Berwick becomes a hive of activity as Philip Schofield visits with a truckload of out-of-date pasties.

batwings

You envy the simple life of a lugworm.

batwings


batwings

You've become increasingly bothered by the infinite patience of the looming void.

Fallen into a state of disrepair, your rectum has become a mecca for local ne'er-do-wells.

shoulders

Rowing to the Isle of Staffa to visit Klimpton's Benffy only to find your friend made it up and it doesn't exist. 'What is a Benffy, anyway?' you despair, up into the dampness of the Hebdride's dismal miasma.

Also you forget to visit Fingal's Cave you absolute write-off. The puffins all hate you and try to beak you into the sea. You are forced through self defence to suplex a bushel of them onto a jut.

shoulders

The scrubland of your hindquarters have become ungovernable belsen