Bullshit Pointless Fables & Fairy-Tales That Don't Make Sense

[Dead kate moss]

Briefly touched upon twenty years ago by Stewart Lee's The Man & The Ant, but that was mostly about how they literally wouldn't work, or something. This thread is a bit like that, mostly inspired by these examples I have been getting annoyed about lately. Then I thought of a couple more. Please add your own, and bonus points if you have remembered bits of them wrong like I probably have.

The Elves & The Shoemaker. A nice cobbler needs to mend some shoes around xmas time I think, but he's too tired and falls asleep. But because he is nice, and has possibly been feeding elves, they do the work for him so everything is alright. The end. What am I supposed to do with that?

The Goose That Laid The Golden Egg. Some idiots manage to have a goose that lays eggs made of gold. They already have steady supply of solid gold eggs, but they are greedy, so for some insane reason they kill it, thinking it will be full of gold or something. Fucking morons.

The Three Little Pigs. Big Bad Wolf around or not, obviously build houses out of bricks and not straw. Also since when do wolves huff and puff and blow things down? It would just bite through the wall or something. Or wait til it has to leave the house. Oh I think it tries to come down the chimney at the end. That was a stupid thing to do wasn't it?

Goldilocks And The Three Bears. What is point? 

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

The Goose That Laid The Golden Egg. Some idiots manage to have a goose that lays eggs made of gold. They already have steady supply of solid gold eggs, but they are greedy, so for some insane reason they kill it, thinking it will be full of gold or something. Fucking morons.

Well yeah, that's the point; People who are already onto a good thing fuck it up because they want more.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

The Elves & The Shoemaker. A nice cobbler needs to mend some shoes around xmas time I think, but he's too tired and falls asleep. But because he is nice, and has possibly been feeding elves, they do the work for him so everything is alright. The end. What am I supposed to do with that?

If you've been nice, people are more likely to help you.

Admittedly told in a fanciful way, to capture the imaginations of children.

[Dead kate moss]

Well yeah, that's the point; People who are already onto a good thing fuck it up because they want more.

Yes, I got the point of that one, but the logic behind their actions is just ridiculous. Obviously the goose will die and then no more eggs. Come up with a better analogy basically.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

The Three Little Pigs. Big Bad Wolf around or not, obviously build houses out of bricks and not straw. Also since when do wolves huff and puff and blow things down? It would just bite through the wall or something. Or wait til it has to leave the house. Oh I think it tries to come down the chimney at the end. That was a stupid thing to do wasn't it?

The wolf was an individual and at no point is any claim made that he represents all wolves. He developed a unique method of harvesting pigs, fair play to him. Unfortunately he didn't understand the hardy nature of bricks and it proved to be his undoing. The chimney thing was an act of desperation. He'd probably sent himself dizzy with all that huffing and puffing and wasn't thinking straight.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

Yes, I got the point of that one, but the logic behind their actions is just ridiculous. Obviously the goose will die and then no more eggs. Come up with a better analogy basically.

They thought they'd get to the source of the gold inside the goose. The goose could only lay one egg a day and they thought - with the magic from inside it - they could generate more gold, faster. You must understand, they were only simple folk and not goose biologists, although given the lack of research into the source of magic goose powers, how were they to know their greedy actions wouldn't work?

[Dead kate moss]

If you've been nice, people are more likely to help you.

Admittedly told in a fanciful way, to capture the imaginations of children.

Fair enough, but this child's imagination was not exactly fired up by some old shoe repairer with a heavy workload. He bit off more than he could chew and was lucky he didn't let his customers down in the busy festive season really. The elves should have taught him a more valuable lesson and let him go out of business to a rival cobbler who knew when to hire staff.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

Fair enough, but this child's imagination was not exactly fired up by some old shoe repairer with a heavy workload. He bit off more than he could chew and was lucky he didn't let his customers down in the busy festive season really. The elves should have taught him a more valuable lesson and let him go out of business to a rival cobbler who knew when to hire staff.

Probably when the story was written, a cobbler was the dream job for most kids. There might have been a cobbling craze or something. I don't think it's necessarily a good thing to teach kids that, if their friends need help, you should teach them a valuable lesson by letting their business go under. Fair enough, the cobbler made a mistake and was lucky - we can't always rely on elves, certainly - but hopefully he learned his lesson. If he didn't, that's his own fault.

[Dead kate moss]

They thought they'd get to the source of the gold inside the goose. The goose could only lay one egg a day and they thought - with the magic from inside it - they could generate more gold, faster. You must understand, they were only simple folk and not goose biologists, although given the lack of research into the source of magic goose powers, how were they to know their greedy actions wouldn't work?

They weren't 'simple folk,' they were mental. You don't have to be a biologist to know that an animal, even an enchanted one, is going to stop making eggs when you murder it. I just don't know what they thought was going to be inside. I feel sorry for the poor goose also. Presumably these idiots already have a few week's worth of gold eggs to sell, so they aren't going to be penniless anyway, unless they think throwing the gold eggs in a river will make fish into diamonds or something, which I wouldn't put past them.

[Zero Gravitas]

Surely being punished for stealing a fox is preferable to having it eat your insides out.

Stupid little Spartan prick.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

They thought there was a massive lump of gold in the centre of the goose and instead of patiently waiting for it to come out in increments, they slaughtered the animal only to find it was magic all along.

They could've been rich forever, but instead they ruined it for everyone.

I think you're meant to feel sorry for the goose.

We could rename the story, 'The businessman who worked his assets into the ground' or something, but again, I think it's the magic aspect that appeals to children.

[Jemble Fred]

The Prime Minister definitely wouldn't fuck that pig.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Perhaps the Elves were really a split personality of the shoemaker that emerged when he went to sleep.

[Inaniloquent]

My son asks me to sing him Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but deep down I really don't like it - what valuable lesson am I teaching him? That shitty reindeer who mock you and marginalise you for having a different physical appearance will all suddenly like you and claim to be your friend once they see they can make use of you and/or you win a recent promotion? Realistic I suppose, but not exactly festive and heartwarming.

Maybe the goose story is for mocking peasants. See - give thickos access to riches and they piss it up the wall. Or murder it. Or something.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

Perhaps the Elves were really a split personality of the shoemaker that emerged when he went to sleep.

The Elves are Tyler Durden.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer teaches our children the importance of only being different if that difference has commercial worth. It is a hard lesson, but true.

[dr_christian_troy]

The Prime Minister definitely wouldn't fuck that pig.

That's no way to talk about Samantha!





_sorry

[Jemble Fred]

Funnily enough just yesterday I was wrinkling my nose at the thought of The Ugly Duckling, along similar lines to Rudolph – it's fine as a stop-gap to prevent ugly kids feeling bad, but ultimately he only finds happiness not by coming to terms with his appearance, but by belonging to an entirely different species. Ugly kids who were still ugly after puberty must have cursed that fucker many a time.

Still, not as bad as Shrek – moral, 'ugly people deserve each other'.

[Ambient Sheep]

Funnily enough just yesterday I was wrinkling my nose at the thought of The Ugly Duckling, along similar lines to Rudolph – it's fine as a stop-gap to prevent ugly kids feeling bad, but ultimately he only finds happiness not by coming to terms with his appearance, but by belonging to an entirely different species.

Yeah, that always sounded a false note with me too.

[Jemble Fred]

"All through the winter time, he hid himself away..."

It's a tale designed to inspire dangerous bitter loners.

But then, the same writer came up with The Little Mermaid, and fuck knows what that was ultimately getting at. Bloody Danny Kaye.

[dr_christian_troy]

"All through the winter time, he hid himself away..."

It's a tale designed to inspire dangerous bitter loners.

But then, the same writer came up with The Little Mermaid, and fuck knows what that was ultimately getting at. Bloody Danny Kaye.

Indeed. Implying redheads should live in the sea and be comforted by crabs seems a bit cruel.

[Zero Gravitas]

I thought the point in the ugly ducking was that you should never bully people unless you can be certain that you'll always be in a position of superiority over them.

Whereas the little mermaid was that you should stick to your own race less you be left crying for two millennia.

[Saucer51]

Babes in the Wood - a dreadful story with no point and a terrible ending.

Rapunzel - in a nutshell, make sure your parents aren't thieves with fertility problems or you might be locked in a tower for no reason at all. But as a contingency plan, grow your hair really long in case you find a boyfriend who uses your tresses to climb up and visit you.

Snow White and Rose Red - Don't keep saving the life of an ungrateful goblin. It'll be a waste of time in the end.

[Jemble Fred]

Babes in the Wood - a dreadful story with no point and a terrible ending.

Well isn't that just because it's basically a real news item from the 16th Century, as told by a soppy Christian? That's why folk needed to shove Robin Hood and happy endings into it to make it any kind of entertainment. In 400 years' time there'll be a Maddie McCann pantomime where she's ultimately found by Harry Potter and everyone has a bit of a dance.

[Dead kate moss]

But as a contingency plan, grow your hair really long in case you find a boyfriend who uses your tresses to climb up and visit you.

How long is this hair? How high is the tower? Don't the parents ever see the posssibility here? Or do they, like me, think, well the idea of someone climbing up your hair is impossible, unless you were strapped to a bed you'd be pulled out the window, surely? Weave it into a hang-glider and escape, that's just as feasible.

[Saucer51]

How long is this hair? How high is the tower? Don't the parents ever see the posssibility here?

I don't know. We seem to share the same cynicism over a Well Loved Tale. Now for Chicken Licken.

[Dead kate moss]

Fairy - Now Cinderella, you will go to the ball! Magic horses, carriage, glass slippers, (invitation presumably), the works!

Cinderella - Yay! Glass slippers though?

Fairy - Yes, but never mind about that, the point is, and this is vital,  you must leave the ball by midnight or all the magic will stop.

Cinderella - Oh. Why?

Fairy - No real reason.

[Consignia]

Fairy - Yes, but never mind about that, the point is, and this is vital,  you must leave the ball by midnight or all the magic will stop.

The point is, she must leave the ball by midnight because the magic will stop. It all ends whether she's at the ball, or back home. However, she looses way less face at home, so it's advice she best heed.

[Dead kate moss]

I get the jeapordy, but what's the fairy's motivation for the time restriction? To teach her not to take it all for granted, or because she's not a very powerful fairy? Let her stay til the end of the ball you tight-arsed fairy. it probably won't get going properly til after twelve.

[Consignia]

Who is to say the fairy sets the rules? It could be the limit of her magic. It might be a limit imposed by the fairy council in the latest round of austerity measures. I don't think it's a stretch to say magic is a limited resource, and can't be expended willy nilly.

[Brundle-Fly]

The Prime Minister definitely wouldn't fuck that pig.

Gah! That better not be a spoiler for a certain new show I haven't watched yet, Mr Fred.