Let's just make shit up

[the midnight watch baboon]

Michael Owen is to take a break from being an injured football player to release his own aftershave pleasingly called "My Cologne"

[biggytitbo]

Almonds are a hat.

[I accept the terms of the]

A bird in the hand is worth threpthrepthrep.

[Capt.Midnight]

Although known for his fear of flying, Stanley Kubrick could in fact fly his entire body.

[The Boston Crab]

Michael Owen is to take a break from being an injured football player to release his own aftershave pleasingly called "My Cologne"

This is good.

[Beagle 2]

The catalyst for Nick Weir taking over as host of Catchphrase in the year 2000 was a hushed up drunken knife fight between Roy Walker and long-time Krays associate Mr Chips. Rumours that Chips had been Reggie's lover are refuted because he is made of teletext.

[Dead kate moss]

Bruce Willis was really a ghost in all of his movies EXCEPT for The Sixth Sense. Although he was a ghost in that also.

[dr beat]

Bruce Willis is actually a ghost in real life.  He's the ghost of Clement Atlee.

[I accept the terms of the]

You can't start a fire. You can't start a fire without a spark. This gun's for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark.

[dr beat]

Billy Joel did actually start the fire, but, rather counter-intuitively, is not a twisted Firestarter.

[Saucer51]

In the late 60's, Scotland Yard are believed to have had a crusade of "Get the Krays", a means to bring the twin gangsters to justice at whatever cost. This is not accurate. Nipper Read actually said "Get Muir", referring to Frank Muir, compere of Call My Bluff.

[Dead kate moss]

Ants are French.

[massive bereavement]

The Earth's original equator was charred by Neanderthal sex.

[falafel]

Rudopoxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@#$#$

[Don_Preston]

Frank Bough has spent so much time in nice Radox-bubbled baths, he will never become dehydrated.

[The Boston Crab]

Furthermore, the town of Llívia is a Spanish exclave situated inside French territory.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

Watching pornography at 24 or 25 frames per second makes no difference in how long it takes to ejaculate.

[Stone Cold Jane Austen]

Robin Gibb, the only member of The Bee Gees without a beard, has the surname 'Beard'.

[The Boston Crab]

Although many people find it ironic that Frank Beard doesn't have a beard, he actually does.

[I accept the terms of the]

Everything would be better if we just fucked off to a big field, listened to 80s pop on big speakers, took loads of coke and died. Society is a construct devised to prevent this.

GONNA BE A MAN IN MOTION, ALL I NEED IS A PAIR OF WHEELS

[Don_Preston]

Ken Boothe has Everything I Own. He won't give it back.

[massive bereavement]

The urge to adopt was first located in the middle ear of scoropins

[Ja'moke]

Terry Wogan is so dedicated to radio broadcasting that he never leaves the studio under any circumstance, not even for the toilet. BBC Radio studios have a glass cabinet display of over 5000 jars of Wogan's urine and feces dating right back to 1966 when Sir Terry began working for the station. It is rumoured that the collection may be auctioned off for next years Children In Need.

[doppelkorn]

Andy Murray's real name is Murray Andrews.

Babies and puppies actually come out the same thing and only turn into dogs or humans if they're reared by the corresponding species.

[doppelkorn]

Dion Dublin's real name is Leon Belfast

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Nick Cave wrestled a police horse to the ground on Salman Rushdie's stag weekend, while Minty from Eastenders and David Bellamy egged him on.

[Ian Benson]

Tony Osoba invented the vomit comet.

[Absorb the anus burn]

In the 1980s Peter Gabriel enjoyed three in a bed romps with Paul 'Ted Bovis' Shane and the slightly less irritating Reynolds Girl who squawked 'I'd Rather Jack Than Fleetwood Mac'.

Milli (from the band Milli Vanilli) is allergic to cheesy Wotsits.

Vanilli (also from the band Milli Vanilli) is thankfully still able to indulge in the corn snacks that turns his lying teeth and deceitful fingers orange.

Brian Murphy (of George & Mildred fame) taught creepy magician David Blaine how to levitate... In honour of his moustachioed mentor, Blaine constantly hums the George & Mildred theme tune whenever he is performing an absurd stunt.

Lulu has an irrational fear of Sellotape and once spent a month in a storm drain after seeing two rolls of discounted sticky tape in Rymans' window.

The band Boney M were not a real band, but a clever optical illusion created by Molly Weir, who recorded all their hit tracks in a recording studio situated between her washing machine and Baby Belling cooker.

Georgie Fame (of Georgie Fame fame) appeared in the TV series 'Fame' guesting as one of Leroy's crushed hopes for stardom.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

If you play the 7" single of 'Kingston Town' by UB40 backwards, Ali Campbell can be heard reciting, in a low undertone, a recipe for a nice moist coconut sponge.

[I accept the terms of the]

Power stations are conduits for your soul. It isn't itemised, but 10p out of every pound on your electricity bill goes to cover the running costs of the humming coils that pluck your essence directly from you as easily as the bastard machine from the battery chicken farm that turns a bird from fluffy and miserable to bald and dead as a fucked coot in three seconds flat.