Favourite football tropes

[burst_arm]

Managers doing that pointing at their temples thing when they're trying to tell players to THINK.

[Kankurette]

If the player in question is Jack Grealish, the manager is wasting his time and would be better up holding pictures drawn in crayon.

Loud and overzealous assistant managers as well. There was Kevin Pressman's incessant screaming all the way through the match at Scunthorpe v Forest Green, and the Morecambe assistant manager when they were away to Cambridge a while back, cunt shouted more than the manager did and kept giving the most obvious instructions. We were sat behind the dugout and my mum thought he was hilarious because he would not shut up. It got to the point where some Cambridge fans got annoyed with him and words were had. And then there's Eddie Howe's minion Jason Tindall, who is kind of in a league of his own.

[jamiefairlie]

If the player in question is Jack Grealish, the manager is wasting his time and would be better up holding pictures drawn in crayon.

Loud and overzealous assistant managers as well. There was Kevin Pressman's incessant screaming all the way through the match at Scunthorpe v Forest Green, and the Morecambe assistant manager when they were away to Cambridge a while back, cunt shouted more than the manager did and kept giving the most obvious instructions. We were sat behind the dugout and my mum thought he was hilarious because he would not shut up. It got to the point where some Cambridge fans got annoyed with him and words were had. And then there's Eddie Howe's minion Jason Tindall, who is kind of in a league of his own.

Phil "yes boss" Neal.

[There Be Rumblings]

Loud and overzealous assistant managers as well.

Not just assistants. I sat behind the dug-outs at St Mary's for Saints vs. Spurs during Spurs' Tim Sherwood years. Their management team was him, Sir Les and Stefan Iversen. Not once during that game did any of them stop shouting, and not once did the content of what they were shouting rise above the 'tackle him', 'hassle them', 'hit it', 'breathe lads' level that you would expect from a dad at an under-12s Sunday morning game. They still won 3-1 away, and that was when we weren't that shit.

That made me realise that getting a job as a Premier league manager maybe doesn't take the level of technical expertise and tactical acumen that one might think it requires for a job that regularly pays £4m+ per year.

[There Be Rumblings]

Phil "yes boss" Neal.

When I lived in Cardiff, I was walking along a road one day when a car pulled over and the driver rudely demanded directions to a local sports club. I wasn't sure, but wanted to help, so I did my best. Without pausing to thank me, he rolled his window up and sped off. It was only after he'd gone that I realised that the driver had been Phil Neal. I also realised that the directions I had given him had been wrong. And I was glad.

[DrGreggles]

When I lived in Cardiff, I was walking along a road one day when a car pulled over and the driver rudely demanded directions to a local sports club. I wasn't sure, but wanted to help, so I did my best. Without pausing to thank me, he rolled his window up and sped off. It was only after he'd gone that I realised that the driver had been Phil Neal. I also realised that the directions I had given him had been wrong. And I was glad.

When I was a kid, Phil Neal did an autograph signing session at my local sport shop* (part of a tour of he was doing as part of his testimonial year*).
Liverpool had just won the European Cup, so he'd brought that with him. No security or anything - you could just walk up to it and pick it up*.
My mate lived a couple of doors away, so he nipped home to get a camera, and there's a few photos of us both holding the European Cup in a way that the captain of [insert name of team you don't like, who've never won it] could only dream of.

^{*it was a different time, Clive}

[ros vulgaris]

Opposition teams celebrating own goals.

Latvia scored in their own net against Liechtenstein last night after about 20 seconds and Liechtenstein celebrated as if they'd won.

[gilbertharding]

Have we had 'Team *character* wears lid of trophy as a hat' yet?

[dr beat]

One extra point if pictured in the bath.

[Yussef Dent]

I'm not exactly sure when this rule was brought in, I think it's getting on for twenty years though,(and I think it's been slightly amended recently) but the howls of derision dished out to assistant referees when they wait for a player who has been in an offside position to touch the ball or be deemed "involved" and then put their flag up. It's one of those rules which has completely bypassed the knowledge of many football fans (brought in to make the game flow better and cut down on restarts), I remember a guy at Belper in a fit of apoplectic rage one afternoon, "LATE AGAIN LINO! LATE AGAIN! JESUS CHRIST!" with the assistant referee chuckling away to himself, putting the flag up with gusto each time in anticipation for the volley of verbals coming his way.

[Kankurette]

I bet the liney took his sweet time out of spite.

[Yussef Dent]

I bet the liney took his sweet time out of spite.

It was blatantly obvious he was doing that which made it all the more funny, plus it was one of those "born offside" strikers who couldn't time his runs for toffee that was the repeated offender, so he was getting plenty of opportunities.

[jamiefairlie]

Have we had 'Team *character* wears lid of trophy as a hat' yet?

Moved on to wearing it as a prosthetic penis

[Deskbound Cunt]

The tv commentator apologising for "any bad language you may have just heard"

[dr beat]

Panini football stickers.  Coveting those rare treasures (for me the Liverpool FC badge) only to find, once again, you've got Eric Gates or Terry Hurlock *again* to go with the other 49 copies you have.

Just checked and Oxfam are flogging a complete Football 85 album for £95.99...

[Kankurette]

Or, in my case, the World Cup 2014 album and the same Iranian defender multiple times.

[dr beat]

Also: the Panini World Cup editions where they presented the teams in their native languages, which was a bit confusing but ultimately educational.

Fond memories particularly of

Spoiler alert

Magyarország 

[close]

[Kankurette]

My brother wrote '666' on the foreheads of the entire Everton team in his 1993-1994 season sticker album and gave Howard Kendall a moustache and devil horns.

If only he'd known that the following year, he'd be supporting them.

[kalowski]

When we did the Euros recently we ended up with 20 stickers of Taras Stepanenko.

[Kankurette]

Thierry Henry doing that mouth twitch thing.

[mippy]

Goalkeepers falling on the ball and cradling it as though it's a small animal they've been trying to coax back into its cage.

[Kankurette]

The goalkeeper/dog comparisons continue. Or cat, in Pickford's case.

[Kankurette]

Speaking of goalies, we're five pages in and I've gotten yet another goalie trope: goalies in hats. Loads of the buggers wearing baseball caps in the '90s - Schmeichel and James being obvious ones - but you don't see many nowadays. I think Pickford occasionally wears one. Back in ye olden days, keepers wore flat caps, like the goalie in Ball Boy in the Beano. You don't really see female keepers doing it though.

[Theoretical Dentist]

Also on goalies' attire, Gábor Király with his tracksuit trousers. I wasn't sure if there were any others to make it a trope, but apparently there have been a few other trouser-wearing keepers, although generally preferring a tighter trouser to Király.

[jamiefairlie]

Panini football stickers.  Coveting those rare treasures (for me the Liverpool FC badge) only to find, once again, you've got Eric Gates or Terry Hurlock *again* to go with the other 49 copies you have.

Just checked and Oxfam are flogging a complete Football 85 album for £95.99...

Topps football cards (avec brittle bubble gum that cut your gums).

In my very first year collecting them I got this cunt so often that for years after anything I found annoying was called 'a Donald Park'. Cracking Hearts strip that though.

[kalowski]

Topps football cards (avec brittle bubble gum that cut your gums).

In my very first year collecting them I got this cunt so often that for years after anything I found annoying was called 'a Donald Park'. Cracking Hearts strip that though.

Why have they stuck his head on someone else's body?

[Kankurette]

My heid is pastede on yay

[Rolf Lundgren]

Always loved goalkeepers who turn around to the crowd after receiving 45 minutes of abuse, or 90 in non-league, and applaud. They get that it's showbiz.

[Kankurette]

Like this guy. His very existence is offensive to Newcastle fans.


Or players who've been booed all game scoring a goal and then making a HUGE point of celebrating in front of the opposition fans, like one Villa player did recently against Brentford. (Watkins?)

[ersatz99]

When there's a free kick and a defensive player in the wall has a Peters Mad Thought and rushes out to kick the ball away as soon as they hear the whistle. Everybody sighs.