Jokes you've come up with, all by yourself and everything

[gazzyk1ns]

Because CC is for discussing comedy, and not making it, and don't you ever forget that.

Anyway:

Q. How much does the average chicken weigh?

A. I dunno, but I bet it's a poultry amount.

Q. What is the Pope's favourite online monetary transfer service?

A. I'm not sure, I assume it's papal though.

[ffogems]

Sister -You should eat this, it has omega 3 in it

Me - A meagre 3 of what?

Thanks.

[Cerys]

Once, long, long ago:

- What's red, wet, and comes out bit by bit?

- A baby in an aerosol can.

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

Q. What is the Pope's favourite online monetary transfer service?

A. I'm not sure, I assume it's papal though.

[/quote]

I came up with a similar gag to that at work the other day when I was watching a Christian girl buying something off ebay.

As a kid, I came up with this:

Q: What was the last thing heard on the Space Shuttle (it was the Challenger)?

A: What does this button do?


I also came up with the "you must use tippex on your teeth" joke - although I understand Mike Nesmith's mum also claims that one.

[mcbpete]

I'm sure I made this up, although my brain usually isn't that good (plus I'm not sure if the joke/phrase is even historically accurate) but:

Me: Let's make like Marie Antoinette
Friends: Huh?
Me: and head off
Friends: Fuck off, prick.....

[Bernard]

In the olden days when I used to imagine my stand up routine, I thought I'd open with:

Look give me a break, I know I'm shit. In fact, I'm so shit, I actually come out my own arse.

[Not in a sex way.]

And I'd also say at some point - perhaps to one of the many hecklers:

I'm disixlec so don't sip the cake.

Which I've never heard, but admit it sounds too obvious to have come from my brain.

[weekender]

Q What's black and white and red all over?

A A domino with a grazed knee.

I was five, fuck off.

[Munday's Chylde]

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
No,Doctor Shipman, is your nan home?

And...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
(LONG SILENCE)...
Kids today.

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

I also came up with "I don't battle wits with the unarmed" in some chatroom in the late 90s.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Bag of P...
Bag of P-who

Cue much hilarity at my masterful joke was told to a friend whilst we were standing behind someone at school who suffered from some sort of intestinal problems and had to wear a colostomy bag.

[scarramanga]

Why did the nihilist go to the chipshop?

Just for the halibut.

[depressed beyond tablets]

how do you plant a turtle?

just fuck it in a pot.

it was all in the delivery you'll understand.

[Sadness]

Always a little proud of my very own "Christmas Cracker-esque" joke I thought of last year.....

Q : What's the best way of making a U2 jigsaw?

A : Start with the edge.....

Pox really isn't it.

[George]

I've a friend who insists this is his:


Why is Ten afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate Nine.


Indeed.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Two flatfish flap their way to the bar- one says "What's cooking?", the other one says "You idiot- that's where the punchline's supposed to be."

[Morrisfan82]

I've posted this one elsewhere, but sod it:

Q: What's a mile wide, a mile deep, and sings in a Cockney accent?

A: Chasm & Dave

[Purple Tentacle]

I also came up with "I don't battle wits with the unarmed" in some chatroom in the late 90s.

Paul Whichker, Tall Vicar in Viz, 1985

'If it's a battle of wits you're after, I never fight an unarmed man, so fuck off.'


You godamned filthy plagirist.

[Dark Sky]

I've a friend who insists this is his:


Why is Ten afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate Nine.


Indeed.

Traditionally that's told as "why is six afraid of seven?"

He probably invented the "ten afraid of seven" version.  Well done him!

[swarfmonkey]

Customer I'd like to buy an occasional table

Assistant Yes,sir. How often?

[Johnny Yesno]

I've a friend who insists this is his:


Why is Ten afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate Nine.


Indeed.

Traditionally that's told as "why is six afraid of seven?"

He probably invented the "ten afraid of seven" version.  Well done him!

And a related joke not made up by me:

Two cats swam across the English channel. One was called One-two-three and the other was called Un-deux-trois. Which one got to France first?

One-two-three because Un-deux-trois cat sank!

[Xerxes & Friends]

Q: What should you do if you get unsolicited mail from Jimmy Nail?


A: Return to Spender.



(I am inordinately proud of this.)

[Jemble Fred]

Xerxes –are you Bob Mortimer, or did he nick it from you?

Or there is a third option...

[Xerxes & Friends]

I am not and have never been Bob Mortimer.  I think the third option must be that we are all part of a higher shared consciousness and occasionally synaptic impulses fire from one part (me) to another (Bob Mortimer) so that ideas are realised simultaneously (in space although not necessarily in time).

This is why the theme to Emmerdale Farm and the theme to The Six Million Dollar Man are the same tune.

[sam and janet evening]

A fellow came up to me the other day and when "Hit me with your rhythm stick you four eyed cunt"
and I thought "well, that's just adding insult to Ian Dury".

[neveragain]

I say, I say (or I said, I said)... why did Anne Frank hide in the calculator?
Safety in numbers... would be the answer to that.

And one that doesn't work:
Which 1960's saxophonist can pick the highest leaves from the tree?
Gerry Girafferty (or G.Rafferty, I don't know which it should be)

Oh, and... I hear that there was an earth-tremor in Russia. The food supplies there now for the few remaining survivors are so low that many have reverted to devouring a fake schoolgirl lesbian singing duo. Which goes to show that, once in a while... you can have your quake and eat Tatu!

[Jemble Fred]

Smart. But...

A fellow came up to me the other day and when "Hit me with your rhythm stick you four eyed cunt"
and I thought "well, that's just adding insult to Ian Dury".

I honestly cannot believe that I'm the first person to applaud this. Simply superb.

But perhaps I'm just tired.

[Johnny Yesno]

Smart. But...

A fellow came up to me the other day and when "Hit me with your rhythm stick you four eyed cunt"
and I thought "well, that's just adding insult to Ian Dury".

I honestly cannot believe that I'm the first person to applaud this. Simply superb.

But perhaps I'm just tired.

Yes you are. After a walk round the block head to the pub and have a stiff drink. Great gag s&j - one of the few reasons to be cheerful today.

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

I also came up with "I don't battle wits with the unarmed" in some chatroom in the late 90s.

Paul Whichker, Tall Vicar in Viz, 1985

'If it's a battle of wits you're after, I never fight an unarmed man, so fuck off.'


You godamned filthy plagirist.

I have NEVER read that comic.

Honest.

Fuck.

[Des Nilsen]

Right-O!

Left-Toe!

Oh fuck yerself then.

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

Not a joke as such, but I do enjoy mocking crying children by turning their wails into the theme from Coronation Street, i.e.

CHILD: "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh"
ME: "wa wa wa wa wa"

Up yours Paul Whicker you retro-thieving cunt!