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Jokes you've come up with, all by yourself and everything

Started by gazzyk1ns, May 01, 2006, 01:07:18 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Jemble Fred

What do you call a cross between a slug and a pelican?
Spoiler alert
A Slimey Fisher (Climie Fisher, who sang Love Changes, Changes Everything.')
[close]

What's the time, Peter?

Spoiler alert
It's time you got a watch.
[close]

No, seriously what's the time, Peter?

Spoiler alert
It's three hairs past the freckle.
[close]

No, really now Peter, what is the time? Please could you tell me the time?

Spoiler alert
The time sponsored by Accurist is.......
[close]

COME ON PETER!

Spoiler alert
Alright, it's 30 minutes and 12 seconds past 3. Why? Why were you so keen to know?
[close]

Spoiler alert
I wanted to watch the hundred metres Olympic final at half past three.
[close]

Spoiler alert
Sorry about that, i'll switch it on for the replay, everyone knows the best bit is seeing the balls wobble about.
[close]

Agreed.

I've just visited the largest in terms of total square footage state capitol in America!

'Austin, Texas?'

Spoiler alert
Yes, it was rather fussy
[close]

Ginyard

Why did the car cry when he had a puncture?

Spoiler alert
cos he was feeling wheelie down
[close]

buttgammon

Definition:

Extraordinary rendition - muso term for a really good cover version.

the midnight watch baboon

Why did the shoplifter return the stolen duvet?

Spoiler alert
Cos he had a quilty conscience
[close]

HappyTree


the midnight watch baboon


Glebe


the midnight watch baboon


the midnight watch baboon

Which area of England has the most vampires?


Spoiler alert
County Durham
[close]

rudi

Did you hear about that conman who had set himself up as a psychoanalyst?

The police arrested him for Freudulent behaviour.

chocky909

- I'm going to become a world famous wine steward one day. Even better than Andreas Larsson.
- Sommelier?
- No. Not smellier. At least as nice smelling as him if not nicer.
- HA HA HA NO! That's actually the French term for a wine steward, SOM-MELLY-AIR.
- Oh right. Ha! I thought you meant did I want to be smellier than Andreas Larsson!
- Ha! No, no... no I didn't.
- Cuh.
- Yeah, I know.
- That's quite funny actually.
- Yeah, I might use that on the internet.
- Why?
- People might find it amusing?
- I hate people on the internet. They're all cunts. Cunts I tells ya.
- Stop it!
- CUNTS!
- STOP IT JOHN! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!
- AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!


purlieu


What type of stationery is prepared to admit that it is a packaging product used to contain items for mailing?
Spoiler alert
A self-confessed envelope.
[close]

What type of stationery won't shut up about its own problems?
Spoiler alert
A self-obsessed envelope.
[close]

What type of stationery does its own tax forms?
Spoiler alert
A self-assessed envelope.
[close]

...well, you get the idea with that.


chocky909

Quote from: purlieu on March 27, 2009, 09:53:50 PM
Yeah...

Yeah, yeah. It was weak. It made me laugh when typing though because I was imagining Horne and Corden performing it. I was hoping that would be apparant. Here...

Quote- I'm going to become a world famous wine steward one day. Even better than Andreas Larsson.
- Sommelier?
- No. Not smellier. At least as nice smelling as him if not nicer.
- HA HA HA NO! That's actually the French term for a wine steward, SOM-MELLY-AIR.
- Oh right. Ha! I thought you meant did I want to be smellier than Andreas Larsson!
- Ha! No, no... no I didn't.
- Cuh.
- Yeah, I know.
- That's quite funny actually.
- Yeah, I might use that on the internet.
- Why?
- People might find it amusing?
- I hate purlieu on the internet. They're all cunts. Cunts I tells ya.
- Stop it!
- CUNTS!
- STOP IT JOHN! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!
- AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!
  [fat one pulls his top off and they kiss like the fags they pretend to be]

Feel free to edit until it's funny. This may be impossible however.

chocky909

Shit.

Which Andy is a crayon?

Spoiler alert
Andy Crane.
[close]

What Lee is a herb?

Spoiler alert
Parsley.
[close]

What man is the day before Christmas?

Spoiler alert
Christmas Steve.
[close]

What man is the day before New Year?

Spoiler alert
Gavin the 31st of December.
[close]
What is blue and white?

Spoiler alert
The punchline is Sheffield Wednesday.
[close]
How many beans makes five?

Spoiler alert
purlieu is a cunt.
[close]

Are you OK chocky?

Spoiler alert
I'm fine, I just had a bad day. I think I'll go to bed now though.
[close]


chocky909

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Thanks rudi.
Thanks rudi who?
It's not a joke man. I REALLY MEAN IT.

thepuffpastryhangman

Why do around 97% of people say yes to peanut butter cups?

Because when tested, only around 3% of people turn out A rhesus negative.


Cerys

Quote from: thepuffpastryhangman on March 29, 2009, 03:04:49 AM
Why do around 97% of people say yes to peanut butter cups?

Because when tested, only around 3% of people turn out A rhesus negative.

Groan.

chocky909

Audi have revealed that three new automobile models are to be shortly added to their range. In a departure from their tendency to use numbers and letters instead of words when naming their creations, they have announced there will be a coupé called the 'Stranger', a transit van called the 'Partner' and a fun hatchback called the 'Doodi'.

Plans are also underway to run an advertising campaign based around classic Wild West films.

Ginyard

I didn't write this, but I've no idea where to put it, so here it is:


A priest checks into a motel. He says to the clerk, "I hope the porn in my room is disabled"

Clerk says " no, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"



Glebe


HIGHBROW CORNER

What did Robin say when he met a Hungarian painter, photographer and Bauhaus professor?
Spoiler alert
Moholy-Nagy, Batman!
[close]


Glebe

What do you call a flatulent boxer?

Spoiler alert
Gaseous Clay.
[close]