Jokes you've come up with, all by yourself and everything

[Tom Tortoise]

What did the big ice cream cone say to the little ice cream cone?

- 'Fuck off'

That made me laugh so hard.

[thepuffpastryhangman]

In the council elections here tuther day, a main campaigning issue was saving Ladywell swimming pool. With Lewisham now under No Overall Control, it's been agreed to save half the pool.

originally on Politics...thread, sorry?

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

When I was about 12 I came up with the following:

"How many Ds in Match of the Day?"

A bemused parent would count.... "one...."  "one".

Then you'd sing the Match of the Day theme tune: "Du du duhh duh duh duhh duh-duhh-du du du duhh..."

Priceless.

Sorry to burst your bubble, (as mine was so cruelly burst earlier), but that is a playground perenniel.  Unless of course, you're really old, and invented it in the sixties or something.

One of mine:  One of my colleagues shouted to another "The Stationery Man is here!"

To which I immediately replied, "Don't rush, he isn't going anywhere!"

I'm sure someone must have come up with this before, but I was impressed by the speed of my delivery.  (Although less impressed by that of the Stationary Man).

[slim]

I'm sure someone must have come up with this before

Not quite, but I did swiftly disown the following:

MAN ONE: Right, I'm off to the stationary store.
MAN TWO: Aren't they all?

because I suspected it must've been done before, and although I've not read, seen or heard it, it must be somewhere. Oh, and because I didn't like it on reading it back.

[Identity Crisis Ahoy!]

Q: What do you call a phonecall that you'll never forget?

A: An Elephoncall.

Horrid.

[Fucknose]

A kindof joke (on me anyway)

My friend once did a kind of wanking gesture with thumb and forefinger over his nose and asked me what it was. I was in an impatient mood and just shrugged and said "fuck knows" as I couldnt be arsed.

Then I realised I was actually right - it was "fuck nose"!!

apparently I say fuck knows far too much and it was his way of catching me out. genius I thought, and so my CaB name was born.

[Ambient Sheep]

Heh, I used to say "fuck knows" a fair bit at my first job, and one day our Service Manager turned round and said "don't you call ME fucknose"...I nearly pissed myself laughing.

I duly nicked it and have often used it since.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I got bored and stuck a post it note on a mirror in the gents that says "Out of order."

That count?

[Oscar]

A kindof joke (on me anyway)

My friend once did a kind of wanking gesture with thumb and forefinger over his nose and asked me what it was. I was in an impatient mood and just shrugged and said "fuck knows" as I couldnt be arsed.

Then I realised I was actually right - it was "fuck nose"!!

apparently I say fuck knows far too much and it was his way of catching me out. genius I thought, and so my CaB name was born.

A few years back, when I lived in Crewe, there was a tattoo studio that had some truly tacky designs on the wall. The worst by far was a bad drawing of a man with a cock for a nose with the words "Fuck knows" written underneath. I always assumed that was where you got your name.
NB this is not a joke

[BagJob]

MAN ONE: Right, I'm off to the stationary store.
MAN TWO: Aren't they all?

because I suspected it must've been done before, and although I've not read, seen or heard it, it must be somewhere. Oh, and because I didn't like it on reading it back.

My Pops does a lot of these "taking everything literally gags". Some classics include:

M: Dinner's on the table.
D: Why isn't it on a plate?

M: The Kettle's boiled!
D: Won't that make a horrible mess

M: Did you come in through the front door.
D: No I opened it and came in through the doorway

M: He's been to the hospital with his leg
D: Well he's not likely to leave it behind, is he.

etc etc

[Oscar]

My Pops does a lot of these "taking everything literally gags". Some classics include

Is he a bit autistic? My dad used to say lots of things like that, I always thought he was joking, took me twenty years to realise that he was just a bit confused and grinning to hide it.

[gazzyk1ns]

Which all-male band enjoys dressing up as women in their spare time?

Trans Ferdinand.

[SetToStun]

I used to have a mobile 'phone. Couldn't keep up with the fucker though.

Sigh.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Good grief.

[Morrisfan82]

My Pops does a lot of these "taking everything literally gags". Some classics include:

M: Dinner's on the table.
D: Why isn't it on a plate?

M: The Kettle's boiled!
D: Won't that make a horrible mess

M: Did you come in through the front door.
D: No I opened it and came in through the doorway

M: He's been to the hospital with his leg
D: Well he's not likely to leave it behind, is he.

etc etc

Welcome to the irritating, cyclical world of AY's Tedious & Repetitive thread.

Considering I could only remember that the thread had 'repetitive' in the title and it was spelled wrong, I'm amazed I managed to find that.

[Xerxes & Friends]

I got bored and stuck a post it note on a mirror in the gents that says "Out of order."

That count?

Whenever I see a genuine "Out of order" sign, if possible I like to write the word BANG in front of it.  I'm sure I'm not the first or only person to have thought of this.

[SetToStun]

I got bored and stuck a post it note on a mirror in the gents that says "Out of order."

I think I might just go and do that in the office lavvy. Thank you.

[BagJob]

My Pops does a lot of these "taking everything literally gags". Some classics include

Is he a bit autistic? My dad used to say lots of things like that, I always thought he was joking, took me twenty years to realise that he was just a bit confused and grinning to hide it.

I think it must be inherited as I now find myself making similar quips. I'm not overly concerned because my gags are, of course, pure comedy genius.

The other day my sister was stroking the cat (that is not a euphamism) and started stroking back to front, making cat's fur all spikey (he's long haired). "Don't do that," I quipped, "you'll rub him up the wrong way."

[uncle_rico]

I don't know if this counts,but...

do you remember that Anchor Butter advert from the late 80's/maybe early 90's,with the football playing cows that had a song that went "We...are...lucky cows. We...chew...the cud and brows."? Well at the time(I was about 6 or 7)I remember subverting it(without it really dawning to me)into "We...are...mucky cows. We...chew...the up's and down's." I remember singing it in the presence of my mother one day,who found it so hillarious,she made me sing it to one of her friends. I remember thinking at the time "It wasn't that funny,you know" I was just being Juvenile...

where as they were being even more juvenile.

[Paaaaul]

My brother and I were eating fish and chips in our garden when we were about 7 and 10 respectively. I was reading lots of Sherlock Holmes at the time.

He chucked a lemon pip into the flower bed and said "Will that grow?"

"A-Lemon-Tree, my dear Mark" I replied.

[The Plaque Goblin]

How did the road make the chicken cross?

It called it a cock sucker.

(c) TPG 2006.

[biniput]

I tend to come up with a phrase or an idea and write it down on paper or a certain file on the computer while at work or home.  Eventually i might put a few together or get another idea or something.  When i have 10 of these files or more i'll be doing something with the lot of them. It would be a sort of 1.5 hour thing for 2 people.  Kind of like Derek and Clive.

[butnut]

Sonata in B minor
'Faust' Symphony
'Dante' Symphony

[/Liszt]

Sorry, I couldn't help it. I know the liszt/list joke is not at all original, but  I've not seen it done in a messageboard context before.

[the midnight watch baboon]

I saw an evil snowman with an abacus the other day.. boy, did he look cold and calculating.

[Cerys]

I'm torn between applause and pained groaning agony....

[ccbaxter]

My youngest brother and his mates were the other night discussing another friend and his torturously indecisive on-off-on-again-off-again-etc-etbleedincetera relationship with a girl called Carmen.

My helpful input?:
"I guess you could call him a Carmen chameleon...?"

Not even a flicker of response. Honestly, it's just not worth wasting such material on the unappreciative youth of today...

[actwithoutwords]

after having a pub lunch where a couple of the people had paid for everybody, i tried to give them my share. but they refused to take it, picking up the money and putting back in front of me. my refusal to take it back drew continuous cries of 'take the money, take the money' from a group of girls. to which i eventually responded 'i think i'll open the box', to dumbfounded silence around the table.

[Hoogstraten'sSmilingUlcer]

What do you call a rape victim in a dress?

A choirboy.

Whom do you call Daddy when he's beating you?

'Father Superior.'

Shut up, I was 13 (when I thought of the joke).

And the most convoluted joke ever:

What do you call an elderly virgin who's surrounded by paedophiles?

His Holiness.

I can't claim I was the first to say these, but I remember being incredibly proud of telling them to people.

[The Widow of Brid]

My helpful input?:
"I guess you could call him a Carmen chameleon...?"

Not even a flicker of response. Honestly, it's just not worth wasting such material on the unappreciative youth of today...

My brother-in-law is going out with a (possibly made up as he's a bit odd and we or anyone we know have yet to meet her) woman named Carmen. I'm completely stealing this for future use.

[phes]

I saw an evil snowman with an abacus the other day.. boy, did he look cold and calculating.

hey, that's great!

quite Monkhouse/Hedberg-esque