The 21 Words Of Xmas...

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

feeling that too many tangents had been explored at this stage, and in order to advance the plot , Santa got up

like a sex machine and somersaulted into his sleigh, ready to embark upon a Christmas voyage that he - and the world - would never

[Jemble Fred]

get too excited about.

He unfurled a lengthy list headed 'VERBWHORES', and began to check off the names.

"Hmm... Biggytitbo. What's

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

the time?"

Biggytitbo - resplendent in his home-made elf costume - looked up, and briefly stopped humming 'Goldfinger' to inform Santa that

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

"it's revolution time". Duly noted, Santa stuffed an automatic weapon into his sack and returned to his list. "[banned troll]" was the next in line. "Oh dear" thought Santa

[Mr NeverseenanIndian]

"it's revolution time". Duly noted, Santa stuffed an automatic weapon into his sack and returned to his list. "[banned troll]" was the next in line. "Oh dear" thought Santa

, "I appear to have soiled myself." He wiped his jolly arse on 'The Mighty Boosh' book, and put it into TC's

[Jemble Fred]

mouth later on.

"Now, how about this one – Neil? He's been a very good boy this year apparently, and it makes

[boki]

mouth later on.

"Now, how about this one – Neil? He's been a very good boy this year apparently, and it makes

me sick to my bloated stomach. After all that X-boax business I was hoping to skip him this year.  Still, I

[the midnight watch baboon]

guelss we could just get Neil a sex-change voucher, like he wanted back in '88. Still Tango nodded sagely, and Santa continued with

[Jemble Fred]

all this bollocks.

"Okay, so, Borboski, Gonzo Bankrolls, Lady Beaner, The Midnight Watch Baboon... they're getting crisps. Hmm, what about Cerys?

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

"

"Well," suggested Shuffletips, "there's always that new I-Spy Book of Helen Mirren's Tits. They make great stocking fillers."

"...But she

[Ginyard]

bought that for SNG last month, to help him launch fruitful flights of ecstatic mature lady led intense masturbation. Why

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

do we even bother?"

"Don't lose the Christmas spirit so easily you tit!" chuckled Frosty the Snowman, "Wanna buy some scag?"

[boki]

"No thanks!", Santa retorted, "Who needs Horse when you've a herd of reindeer?". The groans could be heard around the world.

[Ginyard]

One boy who heard them was little Johnny Studerbaker from Kansas.

"Blue Teddy, I can hear groaning" he whispered to

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

his long-distance CB radio buddy, whose real name was Weekender. Weekender hated Johnny, but maintained the correspondence out of sympathy

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

messages that the Devil himself - Sir Ian Satan - persistently sent him, after Weekender accidentally sold his own soul during sexy breakfast.

[Jemble Fred]

"Where are you Blue Teddy?" asked Johnny.

"Tits-Titsford, scumboy," Weekender replied. "With all the other 'whores."

"Has Santa been yet?"

"Not

[boki]

"Where are you Blue Teddy?" asked Johnny.

"Tits-Titsford, scumboy," Weekender replied. "With all the other 'whores."

"Has Santa been yet?"

"Not

until one of you lazy CUNTS goes out and gets us some bog roll", roared an indignant Santa whilst tearing up

[Little Hoover]

until one of you lazy CUNTS goes out and gets us some bog roll", roared an indignant Santa whilst tearing up

His list of Verbwhores where there were names of people he didn't like, and so had decided to skip this year

[Ginyard]

. He pulled out his skipping rope and began bouncing up and down like a bush kangaroo.

"OK. Someone write this down:

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

"

Shuffletips dutifully wrote the word 'This' down onto a piece of envelope.

"Look at me go!" roared santa, skipping faster than

[Jemble Fred]

you, because you're a really really slow skipper, Skippy Slow-Skippington!

At last the time came for the toys to be loaded

[boki]

into a huge cannon to try and make up a bit of time.  Nobody quite knew whether the cannon thing would

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

or not.

It didn't.

The toys were ruined - a tarry, charred mess of Dalek voice-changer helmets, Harry Potter lego, and

[boki]

Bratz sex-toys.  The complimentary portions of boki's homemade sweet potato curry were much improved, however. "Back to the drawing board",

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

groaned Santa, trying out his new catchphrase that he hoped would be heard in every schoolyard by January.

The drawing board

[the midnight watch baboon]

recoiled like an abused goat to Santa's etchings, before growing to like it a bit.

"Riiiiight", barked Santy. "Instead of presents,

[boki]

these little fuckers are getting memes this year."  That's right, Santa went there.  "Well, it will save us a lot of

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

time, wit and imagination."

"No!" yelped Shuffletips. "The last thing the world needs are endless references to Jack Bauer, Del Boy

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

and Waspy's Wife!"

Shuffletips paused, thoughtfully. "SPC's mum is fair game, though, obviously."

"Obviously," Santa concurred. "Fine. Presents it is. Get