The Verbwhores Costume Drama

[Jemble Fred]

^{Another 'I've got 21 Words' thread for those suffering from withdrawal symptoms. That's me and Ginyard, then. This here's a pastoral Nineteenth Century novella, with bonnets and tight trousers and TB and all that. 21 words. Enjoy.}

Tits-Titford to Cramlington.
A work of literary genius by Ginyard, Sexton Brackets Drugbust, Jemble Fred, The Midnight Watch Baboon... you know, all them.

I

The letter arrived promptly in March. 'Dear Mr Memebridge,' it began, the scent of crumpets discernible in the paper, 'Why don't

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

you recite this letter in my voice, so any 'would be eavesdroppers' will immediately ascertain from whom said document is from?

[Jemble Fred]

Thank you. This epistle is to introduce Miss Olivia Braintree, the daughter of the Right Rev. Raymond of Cramlington. She is

[CaledonianGonzo]

beneath you in both rank and station - and is oft found in the coach rank by the station working for ha'pennies.

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

Indeed, her velvety Strawberry Slice is quite delicious - although it is, I discovered to my cost, simply a type of cake.

[Jemble Fred]

On the thirteenth day of Tonymas her father reclined on a fork, and was buried a week later at the crossroads

[the midnight watch baboon]

'twixt old Newmarket and new Oldkumquat Cres-cent. The burial was lagubrious, but due to my paranoid schizophrenia, crazed bursts of giggles

[Jemble Fred]

were of course unavoidable, and everybody joined in lustily.

You will have noticed by now that she also has a lovely

[CaledonianGonzo]

bustle and the creaking of whalebone when she bends to tie her shoelaces quite makes one's eyes water.  Nevertheless, come evening

[Jemble Fred]

was a great success thanks to Miss B's organisational skills, encouraging the gentlemen, holding the pipettes, and cleaning up afterwards with

[Ginyard]

her pussy and a gravy boat. Mr Thistlecrevasse, a most enthusiastic fellow, had travelled the cobbled roads sodden by a recent thaw

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

imitating the mating dance of the Phillip's Piper-crab in order to garner her considerable affections, but alas, his hopes were dashed

[Jemble Fred]

 – as were his brains. It was the cobblestones for him.

Anyway, by now you will have attracted quite a crowd reading

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

this as loudly as you can muster. I also hope you have winked and grinned at the assembled throng when instructed,

[CaledonianGonzo]

and chastised them thoroughly, especially the Hindoos and Mohammedans."

Memebridge put down the letter.  The Reverend Tom Charles Raymond?  That name

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

chilled the very blood within his internal bloodpipes.

It had oft been said that the mercurial Reverend was as fiery an

[Jemble Fred]

orator as Plutarch himself – though it may have been 'Pluto'. Any product of his loins was unlikely to be a fit

[CaledonianGonzo]

suitor for Ms Moletits, the village postmistress.  Raymond was renowned for his etchings, wherein he would mock downtrodden guttersnipes in utterly

[Ginyard]

filthy clothes using only his various disfigured finger puppets for paint brushes, causing alarm and distress to otherwise placid-tempered

[the midnight watch baboon]

Placido Domingo, who oft' travelled back a few score years in time to watch Raymond growling "Spunkfritters" and flicking paint

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

around.

However, noted art critic Lord Jemblington Fredford had been heard to remark that Raymond's work was 'Utterly Person On Foot'.

[CaledonianGonzo]

Having not a fraction of Hogarth's draftmanship, another wag essayed it 'A Harlot's Progress' (wherein all the harlots look the same).

[Ginyard]

Nevertheless, all were agreed that his attempts at arabesquian obsessive humour in his art were clearly the work of a mad prize marrowed fuck of the first order

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

But now he was dead. Dead and gone.

The same could not be said, of course, of his daughter Miss Braintree

[Ginyard]

Man Nips, that fine cerebral village oak, who advised fine and trusted folk from Chigley, Trumpton and Deptford as to what

[Ginyard]

fine things could be achieved in the fine fine. Fine, though Mr Fine, a man renowned for using the same words in the same sentence like a blithering idiot and then forgetting simple rules like counting in the process.

[Jemble Fred]

FAGGOTS! BAGS! RANDY!

***

At this juncture, the original author, Sir Giles BigKnockers, was stung in the kidney by a vicar and died with all

froth everywhere. The original manuscript was taken up by his nephew, Lemuel LargeBreasts.

***

"So can I come in then?" asked Miss

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

Ssssss - pronounced Ssssss - "Only, I've already come in, so if you didn't want me to, it's a bit late for that."

[the midnight watch baboon]

"Then why ask, you vast, sexy abortion", said Lemuel before bedding, marrying and murdering the mass of s's of a woman who

[Jemble Fred]

did. This was Lemuel the butler, who ushered Miss Braintree into the scullery while the Man of the House carried on

---
reading that letter from her Mum, remember.

"... so I hope you put her to good use.
Sexy kisses,
Ermintrude B."

Burning