Michael Parkinson's greatest interviews

[Smeraldina Rima]

duhdiddley doo de doo deediddley dah de dah.........bah bah bahdadadada... doo.

Parkie: Thankyou, hello, thankyou. It's good to be back in my new position on Watch. I'm Michael Parkinson. Same old dodgy wallpaper, i see. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my first guest..........................?

[biniput]

Fred west (almost too obvious). Followed by his milkman then Ethelred the unready.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Parkie So, Fred, Wikipedia tells me one of your victims was a cousin of Martin Amis, the ugly novelist. Had you of known this, might you have behaved any differently?

Fred: ...

Parkie Also, you're an ugly man Fred. What was the torment of being an ugly man like for you as a working class lad? Take those in one, please....

[Ginyard]

Fred Now that's a line I used to use a lot on my victims Michael, you rinny-chin smug rugby loving cunt.

[wherearethespoons]

Parkie Next you'll be having a go at my tiny tiny penis.

[Ginyard]

Fred  Once again, something I used to say quite a lot down in Sammy.

Parkie Sammy?

Fred Yes, Sammy the cellar. I'm guessing you've never fucked your own daughter to death in a crypt of hell before!.

audience laughter

[Cerys]

Parkie Well, I have to admit you're wrong there, Fred.  But enough about me.

[Johnny Yesno]

Parkie: Now Fred, I've been a fan of your work for a long time and it's marvellous you could come on the show. But there's one thing I've always wanted to ask: how did you get to be such an important and marvellous killer? And if you weren't an important and marvellous killer what would you be doing importantly and marvellously instead?

Fred: You know Parkie, you're starting to creep me out.

Audience laughter

Parkie: Ha! Ha! Marvellous answer. I think we've got our answer there, ladies and gentlemen: scriptwriting for important and marvellous BBC3 sitcoms.

[Ginyard]

Fred I'm glad you mentioned the word scriptfighting there Michael, as it reminds me of 'crypt fighting' which was something I used to encourage between the girls. Usually I'd saw off their legs then see which one could best the other. It was like robot wars without Craig Charles and that lanky ginger cunt controlling Chaos 2.

Parkie well of course.

Fred Rose always liked the stump fighting as well

Parkie Ah yes, Rose, your wife and long time partner in crime. She looks like she has a gruff looking muff on her eh?.

[biniput]

Parky: Our next guest is Ethelred.

Someone off camera: He's still in makeup.