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Noel Edmonds is Unwell

Started by Ballad of Ballard Berkley, August 08, 2017, 07:23:47 PM

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Ballad of Ballard Berkley

He is, isn't he? Mentally, I mean. I've been enjoying his increasingly insane behaviour as much as the next sniggering rubbernecker, but I also feel quite guilty for laughing at a man who's clearly taken leave of his senses.

If you regard yer Edmonds as merely a harmless eccentric - which he is, more or less - then you don't feel quite as bad, I find. After all, he's an extremely wealthy man whose only crime is having an avid interest and belief in utter bullshit.

Then again, when he claimed that a box with flashing lights could cure cancer - an illness which , according to yer Edmonds, can be successfully treated with the power of positive thinking - I did think to myself, "Hang on, yer Edmonds, that's a deeply irresponsible message you're spreading there, you Magic Marker-bearded twat."

So what do we reckon? Is Noel Edmonds just a mad multimillionaire who probably means well? Or should he be stopped?

Gwen Taylor on ITV

Fuck off I thought you were going to say he had a terminal illness.

NOT NOEL.

Replies From View

Yeah there are plenty of people who are as imbalanced as Noel but can barely afford to live because of it.

Fuck him.  Can't feel that sorry for someone so comfortably well-off; sorry.  He's not suffering as he has no reason to believe he's not right.

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

Quote from: Gwen Taylor on ITV on August 08, 2017, 07:24:40 PM
Fuck off I thought you were going to say he had a terminal illness.

NOT NOEL.

If, God forbid, Noel should ever contract a terminal illness, he'd easily cure himself with positive thought. Or turn into a glowing orb of everlasting energy. Either way, he's immortal.

Glebe

Edmonds is a legend. I won't have a bad word said against him.

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

Quote from: Replies From View on August 08, 2017, 07:27:17 PM
Yeah there are plenty of people who are as imbalanced as Noel but can barely afford to live because of it.

Fuck him.  Can't feel that sorry for someone so comfortably well-off; sorry.  He's not suffering as he has no reason to believe he's not right.

I guess you're right, but I do feel quite sorry for him. He's clearly not well. All the money in the world can't cure that.

Unlike David Icke, Edmonds doesn't have the support of loads of credulous buffoons who actually believe his bullshit. Everyone thinks he's a laughable nutter. That's rather sad, no?

I can't wait to hear what he comes out with next.

Replies From View

Quote from: Ballad of Ballard Berkley on August 08, 2017, 07:32:47 PM
Unlike David Icke, Edmonds doesn't have the support of loads of credulous buffoons who actually believe his bullshit. Everyone thinks he's a laughable nutter. That's rather sad, no?

No, it doesn't matter.  If he was a hate-figure beyond CaB then I'd have some sympathy but what does he have to feel sorry for himself about?  It's not like his reputation is in tatters like Rolf Harris.  He's not even a recluse is he?  Just a bloke who was on telly and used to be a lot more popular.

Alberon

I think I said in the last thread about Edmonds' more leftfield beliefs that it seems he's following his wife down to Lala Land. She seemed to be even more into it than he was and he clearly very much loves her.

Anyway, he's too rich to be mad. When you have that amount of money you're officially Eccentric.

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

Quote from: Replies From View on August 08, 2017, 07:36:44 PM
No, it doesn't matter.  If he was a hate-figure beyond CaB then I'd have some sympathy but what does he have to feel sorry for himself about?  It's not like his reputation is in tatters like Rolf Harris.  He's not even a recluse is he?  Just a bloke who was on telly and used to be a lot more popular.

As you've doubtless gathered, I only started this thread to assuage my own guilt for laughing at a madman.

Hangthebuggers

There's a LOT of unused potential in your Edmond. Mark my words. When it all goes to shit, he'll be knocking about with his haircut and his crossbow. Mark my words. No safer place than Edmond's Blobbington palace with its traps and shit. Gunge pits. Shooting hall. Etc.

Don't worry about 'yer Edmonds. Last people you need to be worrying about is your Edmonds.



In one of his more feline leonine forms. A real trooper. Edmonds is..

Mr Blobby was a kind of surrogate and proxy, which Noel could use to maintain stability and rationality in his own identity by investing with all the chaotic side of his own psyche-a kind of big, fat, pink, yellow-spotted Mr Hyde, if you will.  With that gone, it was inevitable that Noel would succumb to the madness that he once tried to externalise and displace thus.

Hangthebuggers

Quote from: Phoenix Lazarus on August 08, 2017, 07:42:19 PM
Mr Blobby was a kind of surrogate and proxy, which Noel could use to maintain stability and rationality in his own identity by investing with all the chaotic side of his own psyche-a kind of big, fat, pink, yellow-spotted Mr Hyde, if you will.  With that gone, it was inevitable that Noel would succumb to the madness that he once tried to externalise and displace thus.

The thing is. We're all laughing now. But who used to bring Noel's morning soup? That's right it was 'yer Mr Blods and what-not. Never missed a breakfast did our Edmonds. Steak in all formats. Cereal. Chewing gum. Whatever he could get his hands on.

Gulftastic

Noel's new show starts next Monday.

'Cheap Cheap Cheap'

'The game show format that thinks it's a sitcom!

Cheap Cheap Cheap is an inspired collision of comedy and game show. The action takes place in a fictional general store and centres around a game show, hosted by the store owner (played by Noel Edmonds in the UK) who invites pairs of contestants to win an increasing amount of money by correctly picking the cheapest of three similar items. It couldn't be simpler! It could be three different styles of hat, three different brands of coffee maker, or three contrasting pizzas. If they fail to guess the cheapest item they'll be eliminated from the game, lose all their money and the next eager contestants step up to the challenge. Throughout the game, the shop's eccentric staff offer the contestants advice, encouragement – and distraction. A truly original show!'

From Hat Trick's page.

Couldn't sound less watchable if it tried.

Hangthebuggers

Basically I'm trying to say he was one of the GOOD GUYS

AND I'M ACTUALLY SORRY HE'S GONE.

It's hit me more than I expected tbh. Bloody hell.


There he was, patrolling.


Looking saucy in a physical chair.


In his latter days. The hospital was nice enough to install a massive gold telephone to see him off. They never did catch the banker.

What a bloody waste.

iamcoop

I've always loved Viz comic's obsession with him. Almost every issue has an article that briefly mentions him killing people by dropping huge diamonds on them from a helicopter.

Cuellar

He's definitely mentally ill. I can say that as a certified mental illness professional.

There was an incredible article about Deal Or No Deal a few years ago that revealed his megalomaniacal tendencies (it might even have been by Jon Ronson. Edit: it was by Jon Ronson). All the contestants stay together during filming, right? We all knew THAT.

What we didn't know was that Noel has a network of spies within the group (show runners, producers, whatever), who provide Noel, every morning, with a breakdown of what the contestants were talking about, who fancies who, detailed notes and profiles of each contestant.

QuoteJust before I leave Noel's Winnebago, I spot a typed sheet of paper lying on the kitchenette. I look closer. It contains notes about what the contestants got up to in the hotel last night.

"It started because of ill health," Noel says. "Everyone was getting colds. I needed to know what was happening."

But once the colds cleared up, the daily reports to Noel continued. For example, Noel says, if a pair of amorous contestants are seen leaving the bar together, a production assistant will write down the news and Noel will read about it at breakfast. He probably won't refer to it during the show, he says, but it is important for him to know what's going on. Today's sheet reads, "Tony is very sensitive about your funeral director comment."

Also includes perhaps the best real life Partridge I've ever read:

QuoteI visit Noel in his Winnebago. It is parked deep within the Endemol complex, near a dried-up river. Inside, it is very luxurious, all cream leather seats. Les Dennis's far smaller and less deluxe Winnebago is parked next to it. Les Dennis is filming a Channel 5 game show called Speculation in another studio.

"Les Dennis can have the big Winnebago when he gets the ratings we get," Noel says.

Fuck it, here's the link. It's well worth reading.

https://www.theguardian.com/media/2006/oct/21/broadcasting.arts

p.s. I'm not a certified mental illness professional. Sorry.

touchingcloth

I'll get my pet snake to give him a call to cheer him up.

Zetetic

Quote from: Ballad of Ballard Berkley on August 08, 2017, 07:32:47 PM
I guess you're right, but I do feel quite sorry for him. He's clearly not well. All the money in the world can't cure that.
I think he's exactly the right combination of rich, self-involved and laid-back enough to be beyond the label of mental illness, however detached from reality he may seem to become.

biggytitbo

I think its a bit cruel to suggest he's mentally ill, if he is then so are lots of odd people in showbiz. Where does 'eccentric' end and 'mentally ill' begin?

Quote from: Alberon on August 08, 2017, 07:39:36 PM

Anyway, he's too rich to be mad. When you have that amount of money you're officially Eccentric.

Sounds innocuous and even a little fun, that phrase.  Old Howard Hughes, such a lovable eccentric, eh?

Zetetic

Quote from: biggytitbo on August 08, 2017, 08:24:21 PM
Where does 'eccentric' end and 'mentally ill' begin?
Pretty much at the point where you start being a considerable pain to yourself or an absolutely massive pain to others.


Blumf

He worked on BBC Radio in the 1970s yet didn't find himself up a young ladies bits. The man's a saint.

He had the same hairstyle since the start of the 50s, knowing there would be a window when it was actually cool.

Pijlstaart

It'd be terrifying, an attack, terrifying stuff, he'd beat me for sure, I'd be overpowered. Big, thick hands, strangler hands, psychological as much as anything, no idea how to defend against him. "Not a violent man, I wouldn't do that" He'd hiss, his giant paw clasped around the back of my neck. Could never make eye contact with him, I snigger behind his back but I'd wilt in his presence, very popular around seaside towns too.

Need to sate him, funnel all his pent-up anger into crossdressing on youtube, put nerve poison in his fruit tea, revivalism, steam engines with ruddy-faced children. All that.

Utter Shit

That mad cancer box turned out to be made by his daughter didn't it? So on that count at least he's more of a cynical shill than a nut bag

Quote from: Utter Shit on August 08, 2017, 08:55:23 PM
That mad cancer box turned out to be made by his daughter didn't it?

Noel's got a child?  That means he must have ejaculated his dick at least once.  So much for the squeaky-clean image.

marquis_de_sad

I always assumed that Noel had the barbed penis of a cat.

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

Quote from: biggytitbo on August 08, 2017, 08:24:21 PM
I think its a bit cruel to suggest he's mentally ill, if he is then so are lots of odd people in showbiz. Where does 'eccentric' end and 'mentally ill' begin?

Tom Baker and Brian Blessed are eccentric celebrities. Noel's public pronouncements are demented and potentially dangerous.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: marquis_de_sad on August 08, 2017, 09:03:21 PM
I always assumed that Noel had the barbed penis of a cat.

It's what he uses as a keyring.