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Absolutely pisspoor British films

Started by Mark Steels Stockbroker, August 06, 2018, 11:21:11 PM

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Glebe

Quote from: LemenTheGent on November 18, 2021, 01:56:30 PMSurprised Gatwick Gangsters hasn't been brought up in this thread yet.



Here's the trailer:
Just the name alone is fantastic, but the CGI is unreal. Inspiring stuff... come on you lot, let's finally get CaB: The Movie into production!

Big Mclargehuge

Quote from: LemenTheGent on November 18, 2021, 01:56:30 PMSurprised Gatwick Gangsters hasn't been brought up in this thread yet.



Here's the trailer:


Having seen White Glove massive in full. THIS looks like the PERFECT double feature fodder. Holy shit. I know what im buying right now without hesitation.

purlieu

Just watched the trailer for that, and YouTube's next recommendation was Albert Camus's The Human Crisis read by Viggo Mortensen. Quite the leap.

imitationleather

Quote from: monkfromhavana on November 20, 2021, 03:27:17 PMIf there was a gangster film where all the parts were portrayed by old snooker players, I'm not sure Willie Thorne would be my first choice. Terry Griffiths would be nailed on for the creepy silent one, who despite his small frame, nobody messes with and who enjoys torturing people from other firms a bit too much.

Ken Doherty is the most gangsterlike snooker player, surely. Would not fuck with that guy.

rjd2

Quote from: imitationleather on November 23, 2021, 10:27:45 AMKen Doherty is the most gangsterlike snooker player, surely. Would not fuck with that guy.

Martin Gould was a debt collector back in the day.

rjd2

Any of you jobsworth cunts complete the Rise Of The Foodsoldier series yet?

I watched the fifth and final one earlier, standard enough, lots of violence, girls with huge breasts and the leads who are all near 60 playing versions of themselves from when they were in their late twenties because why the fuck not.   

Vinnie Jones and vintage wank material Cindy Beale from Eastenders fame rock up to give it some gravitas. Got the standard banging soundtrack with Samantha Fox , Black Box and New Order to bop along to obviously.

Cameos from everyone in the series , except for Neil Maskell and Frank Harper who I assume are secure financially.

Overall 5 films, pretty sure none are them are any good, but ultimate guilty pleasure.



Mr Banlon

Quote from: imitationleather on November 23, 2021, 10:27:45 AMKen Doherty is the most gangsterlike snooker player, surely. Would not fuck with that guy.
John Higgins looks like a villain. More of a violent, but bumbling henchman. Doherty is the calm but fucking terrifying boss-type.

Big Mclargehuge

Just finished Gatwick Gangsters. it is easily the 2nd worst movie I have ever seen in my life. flawed to the point that it somehow manages to go past being "So bad it's good" and ends up just being unwatchably awful. great find!

Mr Trumpet

When will the Gatwick Gangsters take on the Tiger Mafia?

Ron Maels Moustache

Who the fuck is "Sally CLACK aka Shampagne" and how is she at the top of the cast list?

Famous Mortimer

Quote from: Ron Maels Moustache on November 26, 2021, 11:50:59 PMWho the fuck is "Sally CLACK aka Shampagne" and how is she at the top of the cast list?
From the last page (admittedly, in the middle of a quote):

QuoteDirector and writer Sally Clack, 42, plays Shampagne, while husband David Manning shot the movie.

Yussef Dent

Quote from: Big Mclargehuge on November 26, 2021, 10:37:58 PMJust finished Gatwick Gangsters. it is easily the 2nd worst movie I have ever seen in my life. flawed to the point that it somehow manages to go past being "So bad it's good" and ends up just being unwatchably awful. great find!

Bilal Zafar showed it tonight on his Bad Film Club Twitch stream which I was still getting back from work to catch it live so I've caught up with it a little bit tonight. I think it's one of those like Neil Breen films where I can only watch them in ten-fifteen minute bursts, they really are that bad to the point the novelty can wear off to the frustrating point of questioning "why the f*** did someone seriously invest time and money into this and it's NOT a joke?"

Big Mclargehuge

Quote from: Ron Maels Moustache on November 26, 2021, 11:50:59 PMWho the fuck is "Sally CLACK aka Shampagne" and how is she at the top of the cast list?

Im working on a youtube video for it now, if you REALLY want to know. Sally Clack; A.K.A Sid Clack, A.K.A Shampagne is a self proclaimed influencer, actress and rapper (yes really). initially she tried to strike out as an online influencer, model and actress and when that didnt really take off as planned due to only getting bit parts and work being a bit thin on the ground, she decided to try and "Be the change she wished to see" by making her own film, casting herself in the lead role and promoting it out there to try and help push her career forward.

The script was written by her Dad (John Clack) and was edited and adapted by Shampagne and her husband Dave manning (who is a boiler repair man with no experience in film making in any capacity...saying that Shampagne and John have no experience in film making either really soooo....) anyway! Shampagne directed, produced, edited, cast, sound mixed and did the special effects for the film over a period of 6 years and with an alleged budget (Alleged because theres only one figure floating about and its never been formally released) of around 5 MILLION pounds. which I believe she may actually be crazy enough to have done because she has past experience in stock broking. she's currently trying to hock a vegan friendly make up line, but occasionally pops up to talk about other films shes planning. whether they'll come to fruition. who can say. I've got a priest on standby just in case.

Quote from: Yussef Dent on November 27, 2021, 07:02:59 AMBilal Zafar showed it tonight on his Bad Film Club Twitch stream which I was still getting back from work to catch it live so I've caught up with it a little bit tonight. I think it's one of those like Neil Breen films where I can only watch them in ten-fifteen minute bursts, they really are that bad to the point the novelty can wear off to the frustrating point of questioning "why the f*** did someone seriously invest time and money into this and it's NOT a joke?"

^Couldnt have put it better myself. in VERY short bursts or drunk with friends in a similar mindset it's palettable. but its an HOUR AND 40 MINUTES LONG! and jesus christ it feels longer than it is. im still not 100% sure of exactly what it is. but if I had to have an educated guess, I think it's serious. Shampagne has done ALL the publicity for the film (her writing style is very distinct in the sense that she writes in broken english thats usually completely irrelevent to the film shes trying to promote) the IMDB page is full of trivia shes written, her websites full of quotes from just...randomers, who dont say anything about the film, but do talk about how nice the cast are in real life. theres even a few snipey comments from Shampagne on people who've slated the films profiles. and a quote on the website that says something to the effect of "DONT BELIEVE THE BAD REVIEWS!" so I genuinely think shes trying to make a go of it as a serious work...either that or she's trying to cause drama to push the film out there more.

A very odd film honestly, one of the worst i've seen, but its a hell of a rabbit hole.

Jittlebags

Fuck me. Watched cuddly Kenny Everett in Bloodbath at the House of Death last night. What a load of rubbish. Suprised, as co-written by Barry Cryer and had supporting cast of Sheila Steaffel, John Fortune and Pamela Stephenson. Still, you get a good old gander at Stephenson's gazongas. And Vincent Price uttering the words piss off were a bit cringing. No spoilers required, as if you watch this, you get what you deserve.

Although, possibly worth watching it for the ingenious demise of Sheila Steaffel's ultra-puritanic mother.


Famous Mortimer

There was a discussion about it recently, but I can't for the life of me find the thread it was in. I remember enjoying it as a younger man because it was almost impossible to get hold of, and we felt clever getting it.


Yussef Dent

Quote from: Big Mclargehuge on November 27, 2021, 03:43:24 PMIm working on a youtube video for it now

Is it done yet?! Post it up when/if it is! Great stuff for putting the work in finding out so much about it :)

Big Mclargehuge

Quote from: Yussef Dent on November 29, 2021, 01:26:16 AMIs it done yet?! Post it up when/if it is! Great stuff for putting the work in finding out so much about it :)

Hey thanks so much :) it's still super early days on the research front (i've just finished an assembly draft of all the information I found) but the finished video should be up early next year, I'll be sure to drop it in here when its done :)

Jittlebags

Jesus. Mrs J wanted to watch Strippers vs Werewolves last night. What a steaming pile of shite. The film had no idea what it was about, and had an underused cameo by Robert Englund. A proper wtf?


Famous Mortimer

I quite liked it. Had a pleasant sense of humour, ripped along...I've seen tons worse.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: LemenTheGent on November 18, 2021, 01:56:30 PMSurprised Gatwick Gangsters hasn't been brought up in this thread yet.



Here's the trailer:


looked like the person getting bottled copped a fair whack

Fambo Number Mive

Quote from: holyzombiejesus on August 07, 2018, 10:44:57 AMLady Godiva is a 2008 British romantic comedy film written and directed by Vicky Jewson. The film, starring Phoebe Thomas, Matthew Chambers, and Natalie Walter, was shot in 2006 but went unreleased for two years. Based on the historic tale of Lady Godiva, it was set in modern-day Oxford.

Plot
Jemima Honey, a teacher, needs to raise funds for her local creative arts centre. To do so, she accepts the challenge of businessmen and love interest Michael Bartle to ride through the streets of Oxford naked.

Proud and determined, astride a beautiful white horse, Lady Godiva rides through the medieval streets to protest against the high taxes her husband, Leofric, Earl of Mercia, has levied against the people. Into modern day Oxford where Jemima, an attractive but quirky young school teacher, fierce and independent, sets out to resurrect her dead brother's memory through the Art Factory, the place she has created where kids can forget their troubles and enter the world of their imagination. Where anything is possible.

Through a chance encounter, she meets the gorgeous Michael Bartle and is very much taken by his charms until she discovers he is the 'Godiva' man - a notorious play boy who has made his money in the lucrative world of horse breeding and is already involved with the glamorous and famous Veronica. To raise money to keep her precious Art Factory open, Michael convinces her to go on Veronica's TV show to talk about the project and to raise the much needed money to keep it open. She is horribly set up by Veronica and as a result is humiliated on national TV. The final let down comes when Michael, through his own stubborn pride ruins Jemima's chances of having her cause supported personally by Prince William himself.

Disappointed and shocked by the way Michael has treated her, she retreats back into her teaching until Veronica turns up and shows her how she can use the publicity to her advantage and get her own back on Michael who has jokingly made a bet that for £100,000, a sum that would assure the Art Factory's future, she wont ride naked through Oxford. The kids from the Art Factory, knowing Jemima's commitment to them, encourage her to be brave and to take up Michael's challenge. Other allies from both her and Michael's world also surprisingly give their support.

Jemima rises to the occasion and on May Day morning, traditionally a day of celebration, she takes the ride of her life and continues the Lady Godiva legend by riding naked on a beautiful white horse through the streets of Oxford. In true romantic style, Michael realizing the folly of his ways and how much he loves Jemima and her real values, turns up to declare his love and support for her.

Interested in this just because it was filmed in Oxford - there are a lot of of clips about the film (including one from Film 2008 and one that's a trailer) on the Jewson Films Production Youtube:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxIHUwlmRhoDk2z8u0nkzVA

Clearly it was filmed in central Oxford but I wondered if any other parts of the city featured in the film. Would watch it to see the filming locations if it's ever on NowTV or Netflix.

Famous Mortimer

There's another Kray Brothers movie coming out, this one called "Krays: Code Of Silence". It looks extremely cheap, with Stephen Moyer probably hoping his career will come out of the freefall it's been in since the end of "True Blood", but...well, it might not be piss-poor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a419_Yn1WP0

George White

Moyer's also in something called Confession with Colm Meaney.
He seems to have fallen straight from the heights of US TV to British exploitation grot.

Sorry if it's already been noted (I did look back a coupla pages) but when searching for White Glove Massive just to have a nostalgic chuckle at the trailer I noticed this "youtube drama" type review with hardly any views documenting WGM


The reviewer found out about it from this very thread, and there's even some screenshots of Imitation Leather and Nagsworths comments on the film

EDIT: AH fuck sake just noticed it had been noticed after all! Ignore me

Fambo Number Mive

Has anyone mentioned a film called "Extreme Raheem"? It's on Amazon Prime for free and it's a fascinating film (trigger warning, extensive scenes of violence against women).

Well shot but a weird plot, its about a police officer (Detective Tyrone Rasheem) and a vigilante. The police officer is a maverick officer who stops a drug deal, subdues the dealer and then breaks his arm. The only good thing about the film is the inventive use of swearing. There's lots of scenes featuring violence against women and references to sexual offences, it's really grim.

The lead character is weirdly obnoxious (and does some dodgy impressions) and despite the excellent camerawork it does feel a bit to me like it was made on the cheap. Things like yellow tape with Caution on it being used to tape off a crime scene, Rasheem being sent to "internal affairs" even though he is in the UK, him talking to his superiors in a room with blank walls and just a few tables and chairs that looks like a meeting room in an office block even though it's meant to be in a police station, and then goes to see the "chief" who is in a small office with just a phone on his small desk.
The sound is also really weird, it is like it has been dubbed on at times. Someone's hand gets cut off and the scream is like someone doing an impression of a crying baby.

Some quotes:

"Why don't you get in the water and see what Uncle Jimmy's got for you?"

"The infamous Jimmy Harris. Are you related to Rolf Savile?"

"My arsehole's splitting from last night"

Shaky

And starring an eerie Joe Cornish impersonator.





Glebe

Quote from: Fambo Number Mive on January 20, 2022, 09:19:48 PM"Why don't you get in the water and see what Uncle Jimmy's got for you?"

"The infamous Jimmy Harris. Are you related to Rolf Savile?"

"My arsehole's splitting from last night"

"And the Best Screenplay Bafta goes to..."

beanheadmcginty

If you look it up on IMDB it says that "Extreme Raheem" is its title in the US. Apparently its original UK title is the charming "Rapist Rapist".

Rich Uncle Skeleton

When's the White Glove/Gatwick double bill?