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Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

Started by pancreas, March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

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pancreas

Various cheese-based jokes this eve like: What does a cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? HALLOU-MI.

Which is naff. So I made up a much worse one.

I met a man who counts swamps in Cambridgeshire made of cheese.









It was a Brie Fen Counter.

Pseudopath

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing some kittens."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest...but I guess that would explain the suitcase."

Bennett Brauer

There was a jokes thread a few weeks ago in Picture Box, but it never seems to be clear whether the thread is for jokes you've made up or old jokes you've seen elsewhere.

There's almost always someone else on the net who's come up with your idea even if you've just thought of it. Already every joke in this thread has been done before, and who are you calling a miserable bastard?

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

We've all heard of jumping beans, but I've just created fighting olives. It happened when I pitted them against each other.

pancreas

Quote from: Bennett Brauer on March 09, 2019, 12:04:17 AM
Already every joke in this thread has been done before, and who are you calling a miserable bastard?

Of course you're right:

https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/RationalWiki:Articles_for_deletion/Fun:Stilton_cheese

at the bottom.

Mine was better.

Mr Banlon

I once saw Angela Lansbury in an antiques shop in Portobello Rd.
They wanted £60 for her.

pancreas

I did once tell a maths joke that I'd just made up in a lecture I think I might have told that story on here before. It was my greatest moment. And I reckon definitely new.

Fuck it. I'll say.

In category theory everything is loads of arrows connecting points. Reversing the arrow gives you a 'co'- version so a limit become a co-limit etc.

The lecturer had just introduced ends, justifying why they exist in certain situations. Then she pointed out that there is a dual version of the situation and just reverse the arrows for the justification.

'Are you saying that the co-means justify the co-ends?'

The fucking geeks couldn't contain themselves. Rolling in the floor. A win for pancreas.

Bennett Brauer

You should have started the thread with that one. (Although your bries summer did make me feel fine.)

Gregory Torso

Quote from: pancreas on March 09, 2019, 01:34:54 AM

In category theory everything is loads of arrows connecting points. Reversing the arrow gives you a 'co'- version so a limit become a co-limit etc.

The lecturer had just introduced ends, justifying why they exist in certain situations. Then she pointed out that there is a dual version of the situation and just reverse the arrows for the justification.

'Are you saying that the co-means justify the co-ends?'

The fucking geeks couldn't contain themselves. Rolling in the floor. A win for pancreas.

Young Pancreas: "Professor, Professor! I made a funny, may I share it with the class?"
Fellow classmates: "That kid is getting his head flushed down the toilet at lunch time."


Lisa Jesusandmarychain

What do you call a bunch of leopards living in a church ?

A leap of faith.

Gregory Torso

This joke was too old to me by my housemate's rough wannabe hard-man boyfriend from Manchester in a very threatening fashion -

"What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts."

Moments later, he punched the doorknob off our front door.

alan nagsworth

The best joke I ever made up was:

Did you hear about the perfume shop owner who won the lottery?

They had more money than scents.

samadriel


bomb_dog


samadriel


bomb_dog


samadriel

Hmm, I shall have to think on this further, methinks.

Special K

Here's one I made up recently...

My dentist has told me I'm somewhat of a mathematics whizz. He said I excel in calculus...

samadriel

You should make that "he said my calculus was remarkable", that way you avoid the awkward use of "excel" to mean "has lots of".

Quote from: Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth on March 09, 2019, 12:44:45 AM
We've all heard of jumping beans, but I've just created fighting olives. It happened when I pitted them against each other.

I've always enjoyed runner beans, but not beans that give me the runs!

samadriel

Why do you say "thrillhou" when it's clearly "thrillho"?

DrGreggles

I made up a joke a while ago, but I'm not sure if I ever posted it on here, so apologies if it's a repeat:

I ordered a steak in a native American restaurant the other day.
Waiter: "How would you like it cooked?"
Me: "Hello. Yes please."

Spoon of Ploff

Two Cervus camelopardalis Linnæus are standing by a puddle. The first one keeps taking a sip and spitting water at the other. After this happens a few times the second one turns to the first one as says "Why Giraffe to be so annoying all the time?"

How long would it take Graham Linehan to explain how many gender variants he thinks there should be?

Only 2 secs. 

Spoon of Ploff

I once knew a physics professor who was given the nickname Higgs...  because he thought he was god but the rest of us just though he was a bit of a particle.


Please PM me for an explanation on just how hilariously funny the above joke is.

Replies From View

Knock knock
Who's there
Just Said Who's there

Replies From View

Quote from: Spoon of Ploff on March 10, 2019, 08:47:06 PM
I once knew a physics professor who was given the nickname Higgs...  because he thought he was god but the rest of us just though he was a bit of a particle.


Please PM me for an explanation on just how hilariously funny the above joke is.

Is it because he was a FUCKING BOSON

studpuppet

I made up one in the nineties:

What do tampon ads and Picasso have in common?

Blue Periods

ToneLa

KNOCK FUCKIN KNOCK

WHO'S FUCKIN THERE

DOORBELL REPAIR MAN, RUDE CUNT

ToneLa

March 10, 2019, 09:49:11 PM #29 Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 10:12:39 PM by ToneLa
I, (guffaw) recently was in a vocal altercation (cradles his Stella Black pint glass) with a rather odious fellow who had a most noxious personality, namedropping people like, I shit you not, Michael Gove - said he was a literal millionaire "with no GCSEs bruv ", he called me "a nothing" so I fuckin, I thought and thought and half a second later I came out with this of which I am proud, though it probably means fuck-all without knowing it's embarassingly true

Me: "You've got the full set mate!"

"What the fuck are you on about?

"You've mentioned your karate, your money, and the car that you drive* - if your wife's an actress then you've got the Insecure Cunt Quadrilogy!"

.. One of those I need to adapt to, you know, fucking sense. But he shut the fuck up. Job. Done. But it would be nothing withoot the karate. And the fact I said "quadrilogy"




* an Audi, for anyone still on the fence