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Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

Started by pancreas, March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

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Captain Z

What do you call a hungry parrot?

Polynomial

Special K

I've just been made redundant from the skincare cream laboratory. They've given me my E45...

BeardFaceMan

I messed up trying to mould an apple into a banana, it went pear-shaped.

Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling couples to USE DIVORCE

jobotic

My wife went on holiday to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, she'd recommend it to anyone.

poodlefaker

Johnny Cash, right, has married this woman of mesoamerican heritage, yeah? He's bonkers about her man, he'll do anything for her. Oh, and she owns a zoo like, a menagerie, but she canna get the staff like, to exercise the wild animals.  So Johnny Cash says to her "Because you're  Mayan, I walk the lion."

Tony Tony Tony

What do you call eight Hobbits?

A Hobbyte.

zomgmouse

Here is a joke that came to me in a dream:

I have blood on my hands. I've killed...


... a mosquito...

The Lurker

Quote from: Special K on March 10, 2019, 10:47:14 PM
I've just been made redundant from the skincare cream laboratory. They've given me my E45...

Stealing that one. Ta.

Stolen recently:

I've just been beaten up by 6 dwarves.


Not happy.

McFlymo

Ancient one:

Why did Nivea Cream?

Because Max Factor.

......TAXI!!!!!

The Bumlord

Quote from: jobotic on March 11, 2019, 09:37:18 AM
My wife went on holiday to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, she'd recommend it to anyone.

Laughed

jobotic

Thanks. These two are better.


My wife's gone to Alaska

Juneau?

Yeah, I drove her to the airport.




Do either you or your wife know where Anchorage is?

Alaska

Okay, let me know what she says.




but I've posted them before.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5TSiWi0oyw



Captain Z

Amber Rudd: A lady in my constituency has gone back to the Caribbean country where she was born

Jamaica?

AR: Yes

jobotic

Quote from: Captain Z on March 14, 2019, 12:32:41 PM
Amber Rudd: A lady in my constituency has gone back to the Caribbean country where she was born

Jamaica?

AR: Yes

Hats off.

rasta-spouse

^^ good, that



q: What do you call the current Houses of Parliament full of Teddy Bears?

a: A wooly situation



Chollis

I got a job answering other people's phones. It wasn't for me.

Utter Shit

Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

Special K

Quote from: Chollis on March 14, 2019, 12:43:03 PM
I got a job answering other people's phones. It wasn't for me.

That's a good one!

purlieu

How do you make flour out of bird seed?

Millet.

big egg

Quote from: DrGreggles on March 10, 2019, 06:29:31 PM
I made up a joke a while ago, but I'm not sure if I ever posted it on here, so apologies if it's a repeat:

I ordered a steak in a native American restaurant the other day.
Waiter: "How would you like it cooked?"
Me: "Hello. Yes please."


Love that!

Joke by me:

I threw a surprise party for the Mona Lisa the other day. You should have seen her face, it was a picture.

Pseudopath

Did you know that when pigeons have sex they die?
At least the one I just fucked did.

Ferris

Quote from: Utter Shit on March 14, 2019, 12:44:21 PM
Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

That's quality

timebug

My racing snail was slowing down so I removed his shell to streamline him.
Trouble is, now he seems more sluggish...

jobotic

One my friend made up when we were about 14 (word for word)


A woman walks into a hairdressers and sees her friend having her done by an elk

"Mary, what's going on?"

"Oh I just thought I'd try the new styling moose"

Captain Z

Quote from: Utter Shit on March 14, 2019, 12:44:21 PM
Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

I don't get this.


I looked into getting a personalised number plate for my car, but they're really expensive! So instead I'm just having my name changed by deed poll to R553 NJQ.

Ferris

Quote from: Captain Z on March 16, 2019, 04:42:27 PM
I don't get this.

It's a football truism - the sort of received knowledge that pundits rely on week in, week out. The aphorism applies to similarly-named shower insulation solutions also. Fantastic.

kalowski

When I was 12 I made up this limerick. Always annoyed that I couldn't get the final line to properly scan.

There once was a fellow called Jim,
Who swallowed a packet of Vim,
When he went to the loo,
All he found he could do,
Was clean underneath the rim.