Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

Started by pancreas, March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

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ElTwopo

Why is Instagram advising everyone to get vaccinated this winter?
Spoiler alert
To protect against social-media influenzas
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Why do anti-vaxxers never have real Xmas trees?
Spoiler alert
Because they don't agree with needles
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What will be the biggest selling toy in Australia this Xmas?
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Barbie
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Artie Fufkin

What did the hard of hearing person say to the famous country singer

Spoiler alert
Dolly, Pardon?
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What did the same person say to the Austrian former F1 World Champion

Spoiler alert
Niki, Louder!
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timebug

Someone just told me that Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool supporter.
Also he refused to wear aftershave ever.
It's true, Yul never wore Cologne.

privatefriend

What's the difference between Ken Hom and Kenny Dalgleish?

Spoiler alert
One will never walk alone, the other will never loan you his wok!
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the midnight watch baboon

Why don't bigamists own a range of coloured pens?

Spoiler alert
Because they don't believe in monography
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Ooh, an ex love of the lead singer from Madness just walked past me and what a lovely perfume she is wearing!

Ah, the sweet smell of Suggs'-ex

cheesebot

Quote from: timebug on November 13, 2021, 08:50:22 AMSomeone just told me that Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool supporter.
Also he refused to wear aftershave ever.
It's true, Yul never wore Cologne.

Reminds me of my long time mis-hearing of a Blink 182 "What's my age again?" lyric.


Also, did you hear about the non-binary prospector?

They found gold in them/their hills.

McChesney Duntz

Quote from: cheesebot on November 25, 2021, 01:31:58 PMAlso, did you hear about the non-binary prospector?

They found gold in them/their hills.

This is a corker. Well done.

Twonty Gostelow

Those last two have spread all over the internet already since being posted here!!

cheesebot

Not my work I'm afraid (so sorry if I've broken an unwritten/written? thread rule here).

I got sent it about a week ago via a what is up message from Jonny Factorio (no relation).

Joke of the year for me though.

Mr Banlon

What did the New Yorker say to his wife when she caught him in the bathroom shoving a watch up his arse ?
Spoiler alert
"Happy Birthday to you !"
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Twonty Gostelow

Quote from: cheesebot on November 27, 2021, 11:47:21 AMNot my work I'm afraid (so sorry if I've broken an unwritten/written? thread rule here).

I got sent it about a week ago via a what is up message from Jonny Factorio (no relation).

Joke of the year for me though.

I was just being my usual playful self a sarky sod. I thought the idea of the thread was to make your own jokes up, however crappy, but seeing as timebug before you posted an old one and now Mr Banlon has done the same, I'm not sure now.

Johnny Foreigner

Well, it pains me to say this, but ouch.

Twonty Gostelow

Quote from: Johnny Foreigner on November 27, 2021, 08:57:39 PMWell, it pains me to say this, but ouch.

You've reminded me that contrary to popular belief, pain au chocolat isn't French for severe constipation.

What do you call two pairs of shoes, each with the left shoe missing?

A right pair.

What citrus fruit rules the pride lands?

The Lime King.

33 years on this planet and they're genuinely the best jokes I've come up with. I'm sure you'll agree my legacy is assured.

madhair60

What happened to the members of the rock band KISS after they overdid it on Thanksgiving?

They had gravy, gravy, gravy, gravy shites.

that's my best joke ever cheers bye.

chocky909

Which is the funniest pie? Steak and (just) Kidney.


Hex Triplet

what's the difference between important social media posts and a pair of identical Peters?

Spoiler alert

one is pinned tweets and the other is twinned Petes

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh
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Mr Banlon

What was cockney actor/comedian/possible villain Mike Reid's favourite post-apocalyptic science fiction story ?
Spoiler alert
Day of the Ter-riff-ids
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Pink Gregory

What is a ghost's favourite albanian nationalist pop star

why, it's boo-a Lipa

Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead

How come we only ever see one half of Duo Lipa?