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Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

Started by pancreas, March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

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Sexton Brackets Drugbust

Quote from: kalowski on March 16, 2019, 08:10:52 PM
When I was 12 I made up this limerick. Always annoyed that I couldn't get the final line to properly scan.

There once was a fellow called Jim,
Who swallowed a packet of Vim,
When he went to the loo,
All he found he could do,
Was clean underneath the rim.

Was disinfect under the rim?


DrGreggles


Diminishing returns here, but:
I did one of those personality tests the other day- you know, like Myers-Briggs, where you get your results in the form of four letters.
Apparently I have a lot of drive- I'm a DVLA.
Apparently I'm rather flighty- I'm an RSPB.
Apparently I like living in the moment- I'm an ASAP.

...something about good communication... RSVP.

etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc

kalowski

Quote from: Sexton Brackets Drugbust on March 16, 2019, 08:55:12 PM
Was disinfect under the rim?
That's the best suggestion I've had. Adverts at the time said "clean under the rim" but your version scans better.

zomgmouse


Sexton Brackets Drugbust

"Was ensure he cleaned under the rim."

purlieu

A friend and I came up with a David Cameron limerick, post-piggate.

There was a young lady called Sam
Who had the most glorious clam
David dove in
With a lip-licking grin
And said "it's almost as good as ham!"

My only other attempt at limericking was a bit tamer

There was a young man called Stu
Whose cat fell down the loo
Because of its hair
It got stuck there
And now it's covered in poo

Replies From View

Knock knock

Who's there

Dunnup

Dunnup shit

Just said it!

BeardFaceMan

I fucked my kids last night, I didn't think I'd enjoy it but by the end of the evening I really came into my own.

V

What kind of cheese do you use to lure a grizzly out of a cave?

Camembert

But what type of cheese would you use to disguise a small horse?


Pingers

Barnsley joke, which hinges on coal being pronounced 'coil' in a Barnsley accent (no, really):

A Barnsley man comes home to find his wife laid out on the kitchen floor, bleeding profusely from between her legs. He gets on the phone to the local doctor and outlines the problem. The doctor asks "Has she got t' coil in?"

"Has she fuck, she an't even got me tea"

DrGreggles

Not a joke as such, but an exchange that just happened in Costa Coffee that demonstrated my incredible wit:

Costa bloke to Costa woman: "Can you take this over to that guy. Big coat, sitting down."
Me (overhearing and being hilarious): "Is he a Native American?"


Nothing. Fuck these people.


Special K

Quote from: DrGreggles on March 20, 2019, 08:19:23 AM
Not a joke as such, but an exchange that just happened in Costa Coffee that demonstrated my incredible wit:

Costa bloke to Costa woman: "Can you take this over to that guy. Big coat, sitting down."
Me (overhearing and being hilarious): "Is he a Native American?"


Nothing. Fuck these people.

That is very funny. Buy yourself a coffee on me.

Special K

What do you call a part African American part Irish rapper, singer, songwriter, DJ, record producer, voice actor and philanthropist?

will.so.I.am

ElTwopo

I signed up to a new streaming site yesterday, but it turns out that all you can watch are episodes of 'Allo 'Allo!

Needless to say, I won't be keeping my subscription to Herrflix after the free trial ends.

Mr Banlon

What does constable Seamus O'Goldstein say when he nicks someone ?
"Irish Jew in the name of the law !"

Gregory Torso

I almost had a joke about someone maybe an old man, confusing a strippergram with a mammogram, but that was as far as I got, mybe someone else can do it.

bgmnts

Where does a sex addict go to buy his powertools?

Screwfix.

Pseudopath

Quote from: bgmnts on March 20, 2019, 09:38:56 PM
Where does a sex addict go to buy his powertools?

Screwfix.

Not to be confused with the abortion clinic.

Former

Why shouldn't you go to a hardsports orgy with 287 other people?

ElTwopo

Does anyone remember cherryade? That massive concert to raise money for cherries? What were all that about!?

Crabwalk

Like with most musicians, Don Letts's first group was BAD.

Crabwalk

When Blur split up, one of its members went on to form the supergroup 'The Bad, The Bad & The Bad'.


Gulftastic

On Saturday, I entered a draw to win a St Bernard dog.

I won and was given two of them!

Turned out this week was a rollover Beethoven.

Mr Banlon

What was Red Robbo's favourite Burt Reynolds series ?
BL Stryker.

Terryfuckwit

The Catholic Church will never accept anal penetration officially as sexual intercourse.

Because this would mean Mary was technically not a virgin.