I STILL FUCKING LOVE CATS

Started by Cerys, May 25, 2019, 12:53:16 PM

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imitationleather



Currently trapped and busting for a piss.

Cerys

It is clearly your duty to catheterise yourself so your moggies can snooze on, undisturbed.

imitationleather

My bladder raptured in the end. Ah well, I never used it much anyway.

Cerys


imitationleather


Cerys

Then you have passed their test, and may now have a flea of your very own.

Jittlebags

I've got a cat dirt to attend to in the side border tomorrow. We generally welcome cats using our property as a thoroughfare, but there's one feline fucker who buries its shits in any bit of bare soil it finds.

Flouncer

Now that it's summer and I leave the back door open for her a lot, Frida has all but stopped using the litter tray. Unfortunately she's taken to using the patches of compost between my lavendar plants - yesterday she laid a massive cable there. I don't mind the turds so much but all the cat piss can't be doing the soil much good. I think I'll have to come up with some outdoor litter tray arrangement and pray that she uses it.

Al Tha Funkee Homosapien

So, upstairs in bed trying sleep after a night shift last night. I am woken by a knocking on the door, can't be fucked to get up so ignore it. Still more knocking and ringing. So I bumble downstairs in my gf's dressing gown to be greeted at the door by one of my neighbours.

"Do you know you've got a bird in your front room?" she asks. I turn and look to see a bloody magpie frantically tapping away at the window. Feathers and bird shit everywhere. Let the magpie out the window.

All windows and doors shut. So Eddie (evil cat, sat in the front room taunting the bird) must have dragged it through the cat flap.

What a twat. Saying that he has also brought back a live squirrel and a small crab (I live 10 miles from the sea).

Jittlebags

Quote from: Jittlebags on June 01, 2019, 12:17:17 AM
I've got a cat dirt to attend to in the side border tomorrow. We generally welcome cats using our property as a thoroughfare, but there's one feline fucker who buries its shits in any bit of bare soil it finds.

It's the twat from next door with the bell. I've planted the bare bits of ground with a fuckload of geraniums. And some sharp bamboo spikes. Lets see you shit there you furry fucker.

St_Eddie

Quote from: Jittlebags on June 02, 2019, 12:36:27 AM
It's the twat from next door with the bell. I've planted the bare bits of ground with a fuckload of geraniums. And some sharp bamboo spikes. Lets see you shit there you furry fucker.

If you'd rather go the route of not spiking the cat metaphorically with poisonous plants or literally with sharp bamboo spikes, you could try planting a lemon balm.

Buelligan

Although lemon balm (Melissa officinalis) can be quite invasive, if it takes over your garden, do not bamlem the cats.

They all swarmed to me last night, all the wild ones I feed, they always come and flock around me when they hear my footsteps coming home from work in the night.  They take turns to run in front of me, stop and look into me and do the blink and I say to each one, hello baby and then they run behind me and another one comes.  This is how we go home, down the lane in the moonlight.  And then I fill their drinking waters and make a long line of cat beads on the big flat stone and they line up in their hierarchy and eat together, from queen to kitten and the toms usually eat after, alone, and I go to bed.

imitationleather

My male cat keeps shoving his arsehole in my face. Every single day he does this! I'm just minding my own business and then suddenly it's time for another eyeful of cat anus.

I didn't know what I was signing up for.

Jittlebags

Probably wondering if you had any pencils that need sharpening

Brian Freeze

Or he's offering to hold your hankie for you.

mothman

Quote from: Al Tha Funkee Homosapien on June 01, 2019, 04:42:19 PM
So, upstairs in bed trying sleep after a night shift last night. I am woken by a knocking on the door, can't be fucked to get up so ignore it. Still more knocking and ringing. So I bumble downstairs in my gf's dressing gown to be greeted at the door by one of my neighbours.

"Do you know you've got a bird in your front room?" she asks. I turn and look to see a bloody magpie frantically tapping away at the window. Feathers and bird shit everywhere. Let the magpie out the window.

All windows and doors shut. So Eddie (evil cat, sat in the front room taunting the bird) must have dragged it through the cat flap.

What a twat. Saying that he has also brought back a live squirrel and a small crab (I live 10 miles from the sea).

When we lived in New Zealand, we had the only house we've ever had with a catflap. We had to bodily force our original cats through it to make them understand what it was for; then, they loved it. And so did we. It had a clip on each side that you could use to restrict movement one way or the other (or both).

Until the day my wife's cat caught a bird and brought it inside. Hilarity ensued. Eventually we got him and it outside, and locked the catflap so he couldn't come in. He went off to sulk with his bird.

Soon after he was back on the patio, asking to come in. No bird in sight, so we let him. The catflap was still set to allow egress only, so he could go back out again but wasn't bringing anything back in. Or so we thought. We watched him go over to the flap, push it open with his head, reach out with a paw to where he'd hidden the bird underneath, hoiked it back in - and the madness began again..!

imitationleather

I was reading on the BBC News site today that in the US cats are routinely declawed. Man, that's fucked up.

Still, it does give me something to threateningly shout at them next time they piss me off.

a duncandisorderly

Quote from: imitationleather on June 01, 2019, 12:01:01 AM
My bladder raptured....

that's called an orgasm. you'll have noticed that the stuff that came out wasn't like wee.

Alberon

One of my parents cats managed to catch a pigeon once and got it through the catflap. My mum came down in the morning saw feathers everywhere and asked the cats where the body was, since there was no sign of one. Then she turned around and there was the pigeon sat on top of the door.

And today one of our cats brought a bird in. There were only a few feathers left as he ate virtually the whole thing. Fortunately he likes to take them to the bath so any mess is very easy to clean up.

imitationleather

Just walked in to find this:


Fucking cat.

Alberon

Well, that's your fault for giving them a climbing frame. You shouldn't have hung your clothes on it.

alan nagsworth



Ain't posted my little knobheads here in a while. Here's Raymond and Cleo. They're brother and sister, believe it or not, though she's the runt, hence her size (and intensely needy personality). Raymond, however, is fucking enormous. One of the biggest domestic cats I've ever seen in person. He kills all sorts all the time. Only yesterday he was mauling a sparrow the size of his head, and a few months back he brought home a fucking fully grown squirrel. Unreal. When he was younger, he had worms, and he pulled a worm out of his own arsehole and immediately ate it again. I'm convinced he is not of this earth.



Here he is drinking from a pint of water atop a stack of six house bricks, the absolute fucking alien bastard.

bgmnts

Come back home and my cat being a right cunt but also being a whore for cwtches.

Tapped him on the head for sneaking into my room and nibbling on gone off chinese food. He gave me a swipe and when I went to pick him up he actually hissed at me. He's at least 11 years old now. Fuckin' header.

St_Eddie


alan nagsworth


imitationleather

Queenie enjoys sitting on her new leopardskin chair:


While her brother looks like he's visited a taxidermist:


Telling them apart is a nightmare, but I assure you they are definitely two different cats.



mothman

She looks all prim and proper and butter-wouldn't-melt; he looks like he's shagging it. Cats, eh?

bgmnts

Quote from: imitationleather on June 08, 2019, 02:26:53 PM
Queenie enjoys sitting on her new leopardskin chair:


Fair play that is a fucking hilarious mush.
Looks like a cat from an anime.

Cerys