Comedy lines that just tickle the shit out of you Mk.II

Started by Benjaminos, March 10, 2020, 08:43:20 AM

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Benjaminos

Resurrecting Twed's splendid old thread, because I like reading lists of things that are funny, but also because it's good when people post amusing lines without context, and some divs get cross about it.

Mainly to post this exchange though, which has been stuck in my brain for the last couple of days:

Gary: That's very good. It's like that bloke out of that film, isn't it?
Tony: Yeah, Tom Cruise in Cocktail.
Gary: No, Norman Wisdom in 'Who's That Wanker?'

More please. Ta.

Puce Moment

Big fan of Richard Lewis' "who the fuck are you? [insert name here]?" in Curb.

A favourite is when Larry decides he wants to be a car salesman.

"Who the fuck are you? Willy Loman?"

C_Larence

Jay: Sneaking around gets you nowhere!
Matt: What if you have to sneak for a friend?
Jay: *laughs with contempt* you IDIOT...you're a sneaking BITCH!
Matt: Please I'm sorry
Jay: *beep* you, sneaking around is never going to pay off you fat *beep*
Matt: *anguished gasp*

Len Pounds

Lord Melchett's "praise the Lord for the gift of laughter" is delivered perfectly.

C_Larence

They showed the episode of the simpsons with Rodney Dangerfield as Mr Burns' long lost son.

Burns: You, Foodbag.  Do you have a son?
Homer: Yes, sir, I do.
Burns: And is he a constant disappointment?  Does he bring home nitwits
       and make you talk to them?
Homer: Oh, all the time!  Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse?
       He's a little wiener...
Burns: Fascinating.  Good night.

For some reason Homer asking Burns if he's ever heard of Milhouse is so perfectly funny.

Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

Pretty much any line out of Father Fintan Stack's mouth. RIP Brendan Grace, he was perfect in that role.

"I got the keys of your car, and I drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters."

and of course

"Bye, girls! ...Pair of wankers."

I've been rewatching Black Books and there are some great lines in that:

Bernard: It's all WAFFLE! No-one is prepared to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste!
Manny: Bernard, you smoke a - bajillion cigarettes a day! You can't taste anything! ...What's that you're eating?
Bernard: ...? Some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster!
Bernard: Is it? Are there more?

And the one where Bernard decides to run a restaurant out of the bookshop because "We can feed them! Lunch and dinner! Then they'd stay - and buy books!" only to run out of ingredients because none of the food is good enough:

"We will make a feast for many! This paint! This paint will make a tasty dish! My oven can cook anything! My oven can cook... bits of oven!"

Len Pounds

Quote from: Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse on March 10, 2020, 08:57:42 PM
Pretty much any line out of Father Fintan Stack's mouth. RIP Brendan Grace, he was perfect in that role.

"I got the keys of your car, and I drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters."

It's the way he cleans his ear out with the car key as well, great stuff!

gib

For my taste the metal nipples are a bit too close together.

JarrowMonkey

Peep Show, when Mark is banging on about his new job as a bathroom salesman  and Jeremy replies
'Alright Armitage Shanks, no need to Lord it!'

Pink Gregory

"I'm not really foreign, ya know.  I just do it to sound more SOPHISTICATED."

Love how Alexei Sayle just absolutely spits out SO-FIST-I-CAY-TED!

Dewt

I love how manically he counts the Anglicized members of Abba on his fingers.

Pink Gregory

First episode of King of the Hill

Dale : "It was not done *by* me, it was done *through* me..."

bgmnts

https://youtu.be/CXzglCYkqVI

Not a comedy line but the delivery from Chunk at 3:02 still absolutely kills me.

alan nagsworth

Quote from: C_Larence on March 10, 2020, 03:58:25 PM
Jay: Sneaking around gets you nowhere!
Matt: What if you have to sneak for a friend?
Jay: *laughs with contempt* you IDIOT...you're a sneaking BITCH!
Matt: Please I'm sorry
Jay: *beep* you, sneaking around is never going to pay off you fat *beep*
Matt: *anguished gasp*


Look at him sneakin off to bed! Probably snuck up his own ass

Autopsy Turvey

Alan Bennett, at the Secret Policeman's Other Ball, when John Fortune says he made love to a girl for three hours. "Jesus Christ. You could have been in LEEDS in that time".

ollyboro

George Costanza: You should've seen the look on her face. It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

georgetaylor

LEARNING THE PIANO!!

Delivered with such gusto that you can hear it echoing of the buildings around the drill square.

DrGreggles


SpiderChrist


''Lets place that in the thought fridge and snack on it later''

QDRPHNC

If they invented a camera that could capture our feelings... I'd take a picture of this moment and keep it in the wallet of my heart forever.

Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

Quote from: StewartLeehaslethimselfgo on April 19, 2020, 06:46:11 PM
''Lets place that in the thought fridge and snack on it later''
Drop the Dead Donkey? Sounds like Gus-speak



Shoulders?-Stomach!

"PHONEY-Tony, I call him"

The intensity of the first ever Alan Johnson appearance was never bettered even in his repeated Fonzie appearances.

Autopsy Turvey

Flicking past a crime doc earlier, Fred Dineage was describing a murder scene, saying "the woman was on the ground, lying in a pool of her own blood," and I laughed quite hard anticipating "tomatoes". It's such a ghoulish hack cliche, I'm glad it has this magnificently stupid alternative ending, even if I had to explain to Mrs T what's so funny about a murdered woman. "Lying in a pool of her own tomatoes"! It's one of the great last-minute cliche subversions.

There's so much in the choice of 'tomatoes': was this a woman who's just fallen on her tomatoes and crushed them, the result resembling blood? Or is this woman in a pool of blood and Dônnnald Bethl'hem thinks it's the result of tomatoes being crushed? Or both?

Sebastian Cobb

When did Dineage pivot from how2 to murder documentaries?

Bad Ambassador

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on May 01, 2020, 06:51:04 PM
When did Dineage pivot from how2 to murder documentaries?

How2 dispose of your husband's body.

He used to be a regional news anchor.

petril

Quote from: Bad Ambassador on May 02, 2020, 12:41:37 PM
How2 dispose of your husband's body.

He used to be a regional news anchor.

HOW TWO doo doo-doo di di di

GAZ TOP: HOW do you make sure there's no blood stains in your bath?

VORDERMAN: HOW do you establish a solid alibi?

DINENAGE: HOW do you keep calm under pressure and create the narrative of innocence and stick to it?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBabY4pqAl8

Fr.Bigley

Dunno about you lot but I prefer Fred trumans murder files more than dinage's

Wasn't a fan of Fred dibnahs brothels of the ancients either.