Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

[poo]

Poorly maintained bicycle

[Glebe]

A Grey cloud forms into the words 'not arsed'.

[Glebe]

Lockdown goes on forever, with environmental collapse resulting in a nuclear winter. Happy days are here again!

[batwings]

The main topic of conversation at your mother's wake is how much your girlfriend resembles a tired Bungle.

On his 60th birthday, a Mormon virgin has difficulty choosing which head wife to imagine having sex with.

[shoulders]

Peckle's collection of hole punch stubs he was saving for grave blow away in the wind. 10 days later after they are all gathered up across 4 postcodes, it happens again.

[batwings]

Swept off your feet by a man with no belly button. Before you know it he owns half the bungalow.

Because of you a No Twerking sign has gone up in the chemo ward.

[Catalogue of ills]

It's down to you to arrange the funeral of your father, Reg Bates, inventor of the I Shame Your Weight machine, but you can't find a flatbed lorry big enough to take the coffin.

[Catalogue of ills]

You change your name by deed poll to Brian Fatwa, then immediately issue a fatwa demanding that the solicitor change your name without delay to Brian Edict.

[petril]

you shout into the void and it just repeats it back to you in a sarcastic, childish tone

[batwings]

Richard Madeley visits you in a dream and won't leave.

You outstay your welcome in a hospice. Everyone's counting the days. Can't wait to see the back of you.

Ironically, you have no one to turn too after being sacked by the Samaritans for telling callers to 'cheer up, it might never happen'.

[Glebe]

Mick Hucknall slowly feeds himself feet-first into a woodchipper after discovering that he has 350 illegitimate children to pay child support to.

[Glebe]

A diet of stale horse anus results in a new kind of IBS that baffles the arse world.

[shoulders]

As the doctor leans across your bed on end ward 6, you notice the writing on the pad he is clutching where he describes your terminal illness  being 'funny as fuck'.

[Glebe]

Oh dear me I'm trying my best but life keeps fucking me over love it!

[Ferris]

Winnie the Pooh sex tape leaks.

[shoulders]

Shaun Murphy colorectal lucid dream

[shoulders]

The nearly motherless hill of shit you have established acquaintance with kidnaps your pet dwarf on a 6 month secondment gassing badgers near Crewe.

[madhair60]

A chance hearing of the S Club 7 song "Bring It All Back" does in fact bring it all back (your son's death by drowning)

[Spoon of Ploff]

you discover your nickname at work is Technobabble

[madhair60]

you discover your nickname at work is Paedophile

[shoulders]

You pick a bogey but no wait, it isn't a bogey, it is words spelling out NONCE

[touchingcloth]

You and your dad are canned from Gogglebox before ever making it to air after spending your first night recording ignoring the tapes provided by the crew in favour of watching Jack Whitehall: Travels With My Father while every five minutes your dad comments that "I'd say you're more like the father, and I'm more like Jack!"

[Catalogue of ills]

A minor Tolkien corners you in The Eagle and Child and drunkenly expounds on how Legolas is "just Elvish for Gary" before soiling himself.

[Cuellar]

Eagle and Child is closed - one for the Euphoria thread

[Cuellar]

Swabbed in prison

[Glebe]

Eggy the Local spaffs 20 quid on a Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In VHS boxset he doesn't even need.

[Glebe]

A chiding lady with genuine clairvoyant abilities describes her latest glimpse into the future as featuring "draconian meltdown".

[dex]

Your heartfelt appeal for a continuation of benefits is dismissed as "Utter shash".

[Glebe]

"That slush contains shit. Yeah, that's dog shit."

First day on the job too. Its gonna be a long winter!

[batwings]

Laughed out of Homebase for not knowing about primer.