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Desolation VI: The Covidian Wastes

Started by Shoulders?-Stomach!, June 02, 2020, 09:29:27 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

H-O-W-L

You hold the gun to your head, screaming at the police barricade as chintzy hold music continues to boom through the phone in your other hand. You've still got a chance at winning a five-star funeral from Buggernuts FM.

H-O-W-L

Your eyes glaze over as your son takes another revolution inside the autoclave.

Cerys


dissolute ocelot

You're waiting at Warrington Central while the girl who's about to dump you is pulling into Warrington Bank Quay.

Glebe

Boris Johnson's hatches a plan to improve the moral of the nation and it basically boils down to a single crate of brown ale to left in Trafalgar Square. "First come first served."

Twit 2

Your wife leaves you for a cryptobiotic tardigrade.

Glebe

Todd from Prestwick is completely obsessed with the actor Anthony Quinn and has made a creepy Anthony Quinn papier-mâché mask which he wears when he wants to impress prospective victims girlfriends.

Glebe

A meal deal ends spuriously with a vomiting fit and the doubtful gaze of a farting clown.

Cerys


Cerys

Harold ponders his only pound coin.  'Toilet paper or reduced burrito?' he asks himself.  'Toilet paper or reduced burrito?'

He chooses poorly.

buttgammon

Tom Watson has a raclette-induced breakdown in Waitrose.

Ferris

Quote from: buttgammon on November 30, 2021, 11:45:24 AMTom Watson has a raclette-induced breakdown in Waitrose.

Paddy Power gives punters a 4 to 1 special that he makes it through treatment ok.

buttgammon

A twat from a libertarian think tank gleefully kicks Greyfriars Bobby in the face while demanding the statue to "get a real job and stop sponging".

touchingcloth

Pat Smear releases his own brand smear tests.

Catalogue of ills

Another cold night in the Lamacq household after Steve bars entry to a plumber who can't name a single top 40 record made by someone who was Gas Safe registered.

pancreas


Glebe

"Wazzup?! David Brent here have a fantastic birthday Greg!"

"You don't even sound like the cunt."

Glebe


batwings

Maintenance wank. Needed doing. Barely registered.


Glebe

"Your Great Uncle Donal has passed on."

"That's terrible but you've ruined the wank I was preparing for, Dad. I'm hanging up now. Still gonna make a go off it, I've got a full sack."

touchingcloth

As the rectal cancer finishes its work devouring your colon and your whole life force, the last thing you hear as you slip into the ever after is Paddy McGuinness saying "ding dang doo", and the last thought you ever have is "why is Paddy McGuinness in my hospital room, and is that his finger in my anus?" You never find out, of course, but the answer on both counts is "yes".

Glebe

A Negative Nell discourages you from fulfilling your dreams and your life is soon a total failure on every level.

touchingcloth

Every time a woman comments on the tiny proportions of your manhood you try and explain it in terms of the Observer Effect and Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and this explanation turns a statistically significant proportion of women on.

Glebe

Your next door neighbour greets you as you leave the house with two fried eggs attached to her eyes, "for a laugh". You'll never get over this and will need intense psychotherapy for many many years.

batwings

Your oncologist is a relentless gloater. "I'm incorrigible!" he exclaims, after gleefully advising you against buying a new diary.

batwings

A spider trapped in a hoarder's biscuit barrel has a better Thursday than you.

batwings

A hermit's cock dangles forlornly for decades, unattended, undiscovered.

frajer

A forcibly retired postman still goes out on his morning route, pushing handfuls of moss through everyone's letterboxes.

dissolute ocelot

Quote from: buttgammon on November 30, 2021, 11:45:24 AMTom Watson has a raclette-induced breakdown in Waitrose.
Tom Watson sears his foot on the professional raclette grill he keeps at his bedside to make a cheesy breakfast before work. He ponders eating his toe but remembers he is supposed to be on a diet.

touchingcloth

Quote from: dissolute ocelot on December 02, 2021, 07:00:34 PMTom Watson sears his foot on the professional raclette grill he keeps at his bedside to make a cheesy breakfast before work. He ponders eating his toe but remembers he is supposed to be on a diet.