Official Joseph Stalin Thread

Started by DangledTeeth, January 16, 2021, 11:02:20 PM

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January 16, 2021, 11:02:20 PM Last Edit: January 17, 2021, 12:42:45 AM by DangledTeeth
Welcome, Comrades, to the Official Joseph Stalin Thread. The thread dedicated to everyone's favourite authoritarian leader of the USSR from 1924 to 1953 (or 1918 if you count all that shit he did in Tsaritsyn). Some say that he never left office after dying of pissed trousers in 1953 because he lives on in our industrial hearts for the people.






Reviews from Comrades

Absolutely fantastic insight in the day-to-day life of Comrade Koba. This film dispels a lot of myths surrounding Stalin and the Soviet Union, such as silly beliefs that Stalin wasn't cultured, didn't like bathhouses and was tee-total, not to mention believing that Soviet kids weren't allowed to play musical instruments. I had to upload this magnificent documentary for the brainwashed anti-China bots - John Ruddy (of YouTube), an antisemitic 9/11 truther, covid denier and No.1 Stalin Fan

Five Yellow Stars - TheFinnishBolshevik

A wonderful raconteur and close associate of Comrade Dzhjgjghushvili. Absorbing and interesting with a ton of candour. Comrade Rybin's account single-handedly decimates the Western propaganda that's infested the school systems in the U.S. and Europe with third-rate 'archive documentation' from liars like Conquest, Montefiore, Service, Snyder, Kotkin, Khlevniuk and Volkonov. The U.S. deserved 9/11. I have not found evidence of one crime committed by Stalin. If you want to know the truth about the Soviet Union and find great evidence which will rehabilitate Stalin, you must learn how to read Russian and Chinese and maybe Ukrainian and Polish. Buy my books and put them in your local libraries, no good leaving them to collect dust on your shelves - Grover Furr, Medieval English Language Professor and Massive Twat


January 16, 2021, 11:08:16 PM #2 Last Edit: January 17, 2021, 12:29:38 AM by DangledTeeth

Hello comrades, as you may be able to see from the game in my hand, I'm going to be doing a playthrough of The Legend of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link. It's the side-scrolling Zelda game. But I'm not going to be doing a straightforward playthrough of the whole game. I'm going to introduce a challenge to make the game harder than it already is. For those of you who aren't familiar with this Zelda or any Zelda, this particular addition to the franchise has a leveling system for your sword, magic and life meter. You earn experience points from enemies, 'P' sacks and for defeating a palace/dungeon boss. So, in this challenge, I won't be enhancing the sword whatsoever, which means it won't inflict much damage while the enemies and bosses become increasingly tougher. Annnnd I also won't be using the 'fairy' magic spell - this allows the player to temporarily transform into a fairy until they exit the screen or they lose a life, and this can also be used to dodge enemies and pass through locked doors if you don't have a key or don't have as many as you want. So again, there will be no fairy spell in use for this whole playthrough. Alright, let's get to it...

Okay, I'll input my name here. No lowercase. It doesn't matter. I don't think the characters ever address me by name, but they ought to. So, this game starts off with Princess Zelda asleep inside a shrine, kinda like Comrade Lenin except she's not been dead for 97 years. I mean she's not dead anyway for any amount of years. Alright, let's head outside

Dooooo-doola-nah-dodado-doola-nah-dodado-neeh-uur-neeh-uur. So... what I'll do before we get to the first palace isssss increase my life meter a couple of times and the magic as well. Sometimes an enemy drops a P bag worth 50 points on top of the experience you can gain from beating them, but you need to move to different areas as the exp points capacity increases, where you'll need to beat tougher enemies which grant you more exp.

No, no, fuck off! (Shit!) I thought I lost a life there. Oh yeah, some of you will already know: there are 1-up dolls scattered around the map, but I'll save them for whenever I get to the last palace. Gonna need them. You can see that the cavern is dark, so I'm going to head to the rear of the cavern in order to obtain the candle, which will illuminate every cavern area in the game. And on that note, I'm gonna have a cigarette real quick.

Now I'm outside palace number one. Dunna-dan-doooo-dooo-do. Yeaaaah, let's slap some shield on myself. Gonna purge these motherfuckers with my level one sword, bitch. Take my fucking blade. How do you like that?!  Ah-ha-ha-ha. Alright... *reads the chat* thanks a lot Soviet2021, Hakim, finnishbolshevik, 6r0ver4RR, and TankieTactics for the subs, I appreciate it, guys. All gulag 2 tiers for 12 months.

I'm about to face off against the first boss. I call him Kirov. You gotta aim for the head - it's what my execution squads always do.

What happens with leveling is the lowest amount - in this case the sword - is the default selection, and the menu can unexpectedly appear if you're not checking up on your exp points going up; this means that you could mistakenly select the sword level-up if you're regularly pressing the attack button. The only thing I can do in this challenge is level up the magic and life.

I've been invited in to this motherfucker's basement after some lady let me in her abode since I gave her water from a fountain that's about 30 feet away from her. Let's see what spell he has for us. Oh, he's given us 'fairy'. Well, I won't be needing that. What's this elusive asshole's problem?! Is he a C.I.A agent who wants me to fail?! I ought to give him a Stalin Prize - yeah, a 14-hour shift at Magnitogorsk, the fucking bearded cunt.

They got a church here!? *Shakes head* This brings back bad memories. I'll need to come back with the fire spell and set this fucking thing alight. Ah-ha-ha-ha. *Glances at the chat* "How many times have you played this game?" Erm... I'm not sure exactly. Definitely not as much as the death toll under my regime, ah-hyah-ha-ha. I'd have to fucking play this every day for six decades or something to match that amount. But actually, it wouldn't be much. All those Ivy League professors think I'm an evil tyrant who was abused by my drunken father or some shit like that. That's not true. I wasn't abused, I just had my ass kicked. I'm a good guy, right. Ya know, I stashed a lot of rubles and ornate stationery in my safe because it means nothing to me. *Shrugs* I never cashed a cheque. I mean, I didn't need to really, but that's not the fucking point. Winston Churchill and H.G. Wells think I'm a charming guy. I didn't know what the NKVD were doing. I wasn't in charge of that shit. The Soviet atomic bomb project? Get outta of here! It was a space shuttle - Khrushchev stole it from me.

Alright, let me stock up on magic from the old lady who's almost dressed like my mom. What's this old hag gonna do with that stick, put it up my ass?! Ah-ha-ha-ha.

Okay, now I've fallen down the hole in the cemetery. Oh, this is quite high. Okay. I'll need to use the 'jump' spell for this fucking height. Hold up, I can't reach it. Sometimes the jump doesn't quite work if there's not enough speed. Alright, lemme get a good run up here... what!?!? It's still not working. *Sighs, tilts head backwards and rests palm on his forehead* The fucking fairy spell, man! I can only get up there with the fairy spell. Ah, shiiiit! I forgot about that. It also needs to be used later on with a gap you fall down, and the boss room is to the right. Grrgh! I shoulda remembered this early segment of the game, at least. FUCKING TROTSKY! I'm gonna have to start this from the beginning. It doesn't seem right to make an exception to the rule now. *Looks at the chat* Oh, thanks TsarTsarRasputin for reminding me. I can reset the game and start from my last save. And before I start over from the last save point, I'll use this opportunity to amend the rules specifically for the fairy spell: I'll only use it for essential travel at certain stages, no skipping through doors or to evade multiple enemies. Alright, let's get back into this.

Wait! Hold on a fucking second. Why's my life and magic at the lowest level? Let me check my inventory real quick. S I G H. All my spells and items are fucking gone. I've been doing so good I've never lost all my lives, where I can save after the 'Game Over Return of Ganon' screen. Fucking assfuck fuckfuck!

Who was the capitalist that suggested this fucking challenge?! It was on my Ninja Turtles stream earlier this week. Does anybody know? Because somebody needs to rethink their ideas in a gulag camp. Actually, forget it. Who's the motherfucker who created this game or any of the Nintendo exclusives? I'll look it up.

Keyboard: taukudapbutakutta

Shigeru Miyamoto? Thought so. Alright, I'm going to take a quick break to make a coffee then I'll come back and play some Ice Climber.

The compyootA games entertainment company Nintendo mourn the tragic loss of its inflooential and innovative creator Shigeru Miyamoto. Mr Miyamoto was found injard in his home yesterday evening by a neighbour. Police investigators were soown called to the scene to find evidarnce of forced entry. Shigeru also had a wound in the back of his head which forensic specialists say was inflicted by an ice axe. Shigeru was transported to hospital where he later died of his fatal wound. A man of Hispanic origin known as Ramon 'Loco' Bandito was soown ahrrested and said to have been dispatched by a rival to assassinate Shigeru. The motive behind the murder is currently unknown.



Stalin mate, remember the tenner I gave you last month, can I get that back now?


January 20, 2021, 12:12:53 AM #7 Last Edit: January 20, 2021, 01:00:05 AM by DangledTeeth
Thank you for the kind words, comrades. And no, EvilCommieDictator, you cannot have that tenner back. I've stashed it in my safe to prove to the world in the future that I'm a nice bloke who doesn't care about spending money.



Wha' on Earth is a CAP?


C.unt A.lways P.aying



The Soviet Union, its satellite states and Eurasian world is ohnder threat from the milquetoast social democrats who want to pave the way for the capitalists' counter-revolution, which is beginning to erode the hard work of the Bolsheviks. The Caps are being distracted by consumer thots and thus affecting our centralised economy and socialist way of life and fair distribution of wealth.





Woman: Wow, doesn't Lizzo's massive ass complement those diamond bracelets by Swarovski. And the concert was sponsored by Amazon and was filmed by a Bravia-powered 8k Handicam on a Panasonic tripod.

Woman 2: But why are we celebrating tech giants? What about her music?


And now I have to include the state-sponsored video: NKVDPN. NKVDPN gives you very limited access to television programmes and films. Are you currently in Los Angeles and can't watch a boxset of CSI Miami? Don't concern yourself, NKVDPN has you covered. Select Russia as your region and you'll get a gripping episode of the national anthem with the 'turn off your television' notice played in a loop until you close the app. If you give us a bad review, we'll arrest you for no good reason and have you shot. Give us five yellow stars and you're a good comrade. The app is free and even freer somehow if you enter NKVDPN forward slash PaulJStalin then click 'to each according to his or her ability' at the handout.

"According to a stohdy, 70% of women fantasise about equality of outcome. But researchers broadly guess that it's much higher" That's because these capitalist apologists keep saying "myeh, women don't live in the 1950s anymore but they get paid maternity leave". Women are innately decent enough to want people to achieve their goals at the same level, it's simple biology. But I suppose if you eat enough hotdogs and read a lot of Spectator, you're bound to believe these things.

Unashamed fascist tsar Harry has been managed by a team of his royal PR minions to marry a mixed race woman as a contrived way to generate more revenue and interest in the monarchy. White liberals just love fawning over 'independent' women who need rich, imperialistic men to hook their arm around and have their hard work devalued by a patriarchal system that encourages them to update their surname in a fucking lavish ceremony, paid for by the tax-paying proletariat, that directs money away from healthcare, welfare and educational institutions. And why would you want to get married?! Religion and its institutions are a crock of bollocks anyway. Believe me, I almost became a priest.

Another lost soul to put on the cap pity list!



Cap thots are making things hard for genuine communist men and women with their support for democratic socialists - sorry, mixed economy fascists - Bernie Sanders and Ay Oh Cee. THEY'RE NOT REAL SOCIALISTS! This new trend of middle-clahss liberalism has encouraged young women to use an app built by red state capitalists, all for what?! To more or less come out with the same content time and time again, all so the politically naive can fritter their money away to an aimless and selfish cause - none of this is good. Imagine my shock.

Don't worry, tankies, we'll trundle through this.


Commiewallet: fdsyhife78q8r6379we9ufy
HammerCoin: 5326dfjgstw4tdftf8adfkfgis
PinkoPurse: jkfghisdtf8r6t45956
ShareKitty: fjkjsdgfuy876249564
Moneychevik: nvbgfkoffucntbf579fghgh
Coinbit1917: pfhsre43jtv7dbrvu


January 23, 2021, 11:43:42 PM #8 Last Edit: January 24, 2021, 12:50:55 AM by DangledTeeth

Host: Thank you for being in attendance at the Republican Tea Party Institute for An-tie cahmmunism (backed by secretive government officials). This lecture will be about the despotic Joseph Stalin. Our guest speaker is Stephen Kotkin, a William Berkwand 69 something-or-the-other history and International Affairs professor at Princeton.

Stephen: Theank you so much, Host. I am Stephen Kahtkin. I heve a lightly nasal Noo Yeurk eykccent, right. And please don't say I sound like Joe Pesci or the lawyer from The Simpsons *smiles* everyone cahmments theat awn YouToob. Oehkey *pulls phone from his pocket* how are we dowen for time?

Host: You have one hour, professor Kotkin.

Stephen: Some of you will have seen me here before. The cat in the microwave. I like to pace around the roohm, see who's looking up Facebook and any salacious material for the more perspicacious uhdult.

Audience: Ah-hah-hah.

Stephen: Wull, you've all heard of Jozuph Staulin. Some biahgreaphers and historians like to portray Staulin as this mahnsterous psychopeathic tyrant, but my book aims to portray the sociopathic mass-murderer as a yuman being, right. He was naht a very naice guy whatsoever, quite audacious and cunning, too. But he was yuman nonetheless. I heve zero admiration of Staulin and his coloring pencils, which he used to underline passages in Mein Kampf and he tore off strips of paper to use as a bookmark to... erm... bookmark inspirational quotes. And these are the kind of feacts I convey in my books. He was born a regular Georgian just like da rest of us; he studied dilligently at a seminary in awder to buhcome a priest before he greadually met a radical guy who simply said "Hey Stalin, read this revolutionary book about economical philosophy, bro. *Punches fist in the air* Bolshevik League of Marxists!". Of course, we all know theat he never became a priest... he wuz a meteorahlahgist in an observatory for a little while, but other than theat, he took up banditry and bank rahbbing for a good cause, i.e. the Marx-Lenininininist cause, and cahnsequently lived in exile for his atrocious misbehaviour.

Rests an elbow on a podium

Stephen: With my books, I go into the geopahlitics of tha time. I peaint a picture of the wurld Staulin was boarn intto and what developed duhring his days at the seminary and eyhfter. I don't use quotes about him in retrospect, right. You could have an old school friend of Staulin speak about him numerous years eyfter they left schoohwl and state: "I knew there was something up with this guy! He put a cat in the microwave even though they won't be invented until two decades after he died even though he's not dead in the current year of 1936". I let people speak about Stuhlin in real-time to build up his character in chranahlogical awder.

Stephen slowly paces the room with his hands behind his back

Stephen: He fucked his furst wife when they were wid each other; she was cawlled Kato, theat's the short name for Ekaterine - and it's also the furst name of his mother. They wure married a year. Kato died of a terrible illness, likely to have been typhus or tooberculosis - and this devastated Staulen: "This creature softened my boner of hard".

Stephen: What's the time? There's never a clahck in these lecture roohms. We'll commence the Q&A in twenny minutes. *Stares at screen and mutters* (Could you stop by the store and buy a packet of tater tots)

Presses fingertips together

Stephen: There are a select few people in Staulin's category: Mao Zedong. Adolf Hitler. George W. Bush. Krang. Darth Vader. Unicef. And that's about it. There are eassholes like Sahdarm Hoozeiin and Roebert Moogayb, but *swishes hand* they can't compete with Soso - and that was Staulin's nickname before he became the 'man of steel'. He was no Superman, right. He didn't have a freezing cold breath (but he did when he was in Siberian exile), nor could he emit laser beams from his oculars. He couldn't fly in tha superhero sense, but he took a flight in a whurlybird sometime. He also wasn't born 'Clark Kent', nor did he sport gleasses. He was born Ioseb Jugashvili in 1878; he adahpted the alias Koba duhring the revolution. He was awlso cawlled Pockface Oscar becuz *waves hand past his face* of the scars from smallpahx, which is why he had immeaculately airbrushed photogreaphs and idealistic portraits of himself in various forms and locations to build up theat cult of personality. None of his citizens would deem him a glorious leader if he appeared like a pizza that landed awn several sewing needles.

Pauses on the spot

Stephen: His mother dressed like a kind of nun, you could mistake her for being a Muslim. She was also a human - yes, I enunciated the aitch this time. But despite being Stalin's mother, she had no desire to fight against the oppressive tsarist regime and become the general secretary under Lenin or anybahdy. Stalin's father is believed to be Besarion. Beso was a huge fean of booze, and he was such a measter of the hooch there's only one photogreaph of Staulin's father that we have. People will recognise Staulin for his luxurious walrus moustache and that steely suave look of his, but a laht of you will recawll theat he awften smoked a pipe. This pipe emitted vapours of tabeacco, right, theat's because he ignited the pipe and inhaled through this very instrument. he sometimes smoked cigarettes when he couldn't find his beloved nicotine whistle. If he drahpped the tobeacco on da floor or a table, he'd push his roll-up material into it and formed a mound - he had no etiquette, and on an unrelated outburst: he never understood fascism. Then again, he is Staulin eyhfter all. Whenever he walked awn the runner of a carpet and somebody else wuzn't eactually awn the carpet, Staulin would shout "Hey pal, get da fawck on this side".

Stephen moves near to the camera as he observes his audience

Stephen: Staulin had a meeting wid Hitler's minister for foreign affairs about tha Mahlotawv-Ribbentrop Pact in 1939. Hitler sent out his photahgrapher and easked him to check Staulin's ears for any signs of Aryan heritage. Whut heappened wuz Staulin's an-tie eaircrehft gunners were naht told theat a representative of Hitler wuz flying in for a visit, and becuz they recognised a German plane in their airspace they began shooting at it and missed. Just think whut Staulin would say to Hitler if his minister came crashing down and died: "Papa Stalin is so sorry, Adolf. I forgot to tell my boys your buddy was coming over to sink some beers and watch cowboy films". He wudn't accept a fucking wurd of it. Theank you fuh your attention.


Host: Thank you, Stephen. *To audience* We're going to take some questions you have for professor Kotkin for the next half hour. Carol has a question...

Woman: Professor Kotkin, is there any archival evidence of Stalin's grooming techniques for his world-renowned walrus moustache?

Stephen: Theat's a tuhrrific question. Uhm, Staulin was very private when it came to bathing and morning preparation. One of the two nannies for his two Children, Vassily and Svetlana, sometimes saw Stalen clip away with a smuall paira scizzuhs, right. Kirov once walked in awn Staulen one morning becuz Staulin had a lie-in and Kirov wondered where he wuz. Kirov also saw Staulen trim his whiskers with a smuall pair of scizzuhs. Eyfter Staulin died and the Khrushchev thaw was in full effect, his possessions and *smiles* private prahpahty were ruhmooved from his quarters in the Kremlin and ensconced into the Soviet Archives... which Khrushchev wasn't heappy about as it was eactually his belongings. AH-HAH-HAH. Nah, I'm kidding wid you. Staulin's beath roohm items consisted of Old Spice, Colgate toothpaste, a Safeway tub of cotton swabs, a Crest toothbrush and a jar of frog spawn and oiled squid tentacles. Forensics have detuhmined theat Staulin had traces of both of these in his facial hair, so we've come to tha cuncloosion theat Staulin lubricated his 'tache to give it theat voluminous puff and precision we all begrudgingly have a lotta reverence for.

Host: The gentleman in the fourth row...

Man: Meiy Kwiztjun ib leez, murble uggol Stulin nd Mulutov ehnd rRrRibbentrep pekt wif meitin vut vwer zuh consquinsiz ov furron pouhlicy fhh RrRrRussia tuday?

Stephen: Theat's an incomprehensible question. I couldn't understeand a wurd you said, but yes, I think the intro music to Maxie's World is reassuring, it has ean effortless cadence and a cahnfidence to it and is tremendous without a doubt. You've gaht this poyfectly saturated montage of a 1980s Miami lifestyle unfolding before you as these informative lyrics about the protagonist of the show tickle your ears; there's an extraneous composition of delicate Beach Boys-style whooping to bridge tha hook, and the conclooding delivery and inflection of the leahst verse soar your spirits to a place you lawng for but doesn't eactually exist - at least naht to your knahledge.

The host sticks his head out and nods at a member of the audience

Woman: How big was Stalin's ding-dong?

Stephen: Theat's anuther tuhrrific question. I don't do short eyrnswers anymore, which is quite appropriate for this question, uh-hah-hah. *Walks forward with a calm air of authority* Staulin's meahnhood is said to be 5 inches awn the flarp, right. Mahlotawv gave it a mention in his memoirs in 1943. And apparently, Trahtsky was livid about its width and length, and it's believed theat his filmed tirade against Staulin in the late 1930s has the euphemism 'despotic bureaucracy' which is sapposed to mean 'colossal cock'. There were rumours circulating the Politboro that it's 7 inches awn the mortis, and some of the intelligentsia - da same ones who gaht cawght up in tha purges - ruminated on the significance on its magisterial prahperties becuz they thawhght it was stubby but thick - and this viewpoint wa snaht supported by Soso. Aleckzander Soehshuonyeietsihyn is a renowned writer who wrote The Gulag Archipelago and uvver wurks. He was imprisoned in a gulag ceamp eyrfter he was overheard by an undercover NKVD officer; Soehshuonyeietsihyn whispered about how minuscule Stalen's schlong was, and quipped about how Staulin better be right-heanded or else he'll he'd have to use the glorified tree breanch - namely his withered left arm - to jerk awff. Files in the Soviet Archive heve been decleassified as time goes awn, and we've seen a collection of photogreaphs, drawings and video footage of him entering a beathhouse, for research purposes. It's illegal for the citizens or any officials to have filmed Stalen without attire, but there are a scant selection of clips of his chopper where he walks very slowly with his beahd leg. Whenever he need to be measured for new peairs of pants, Stalen's tailor would snap pictures of his cahck to ensure the inner leg would have plenty of roohm, right. It's been verified by vahrious researchers and myself theat Staulin is 8.2 inches when he's jubilant. People want to rationalise and theorise why Staulin committed these immoral atrahcities by considering his upbringing, his deformed arm, crappy hip and diarrhea, but if any of those convenient aspects are to be taken seriously, we must awlso believe theat a man with a sensational jahnsahn - that would make the broadest tunnel blush over the sheer girth of the fucker - would naht wipe out ceapitalism in the countryside, nor would he counter-sign executions papers or purge his awfficer corps. But it is big, if theat eyrnswers your question.

Host: We'll go to the last question.

Woman 3: When in the assing fuck is Volume 3: The Mao Eclipse going to come out?

Stephen: I've naht written it yet. It will cover World War TTwoeh, the Cold War, and an ageing Staulin has to handle his relation with Mao Zedong, and there will be some uvver things eyhfter Staulin's death like naht being alive and awll his unacceptable legacy tainted by his actions as the overbearingly deadly premier of the USSR.

Host: Well, thank you for coming and we'll see you next year.



February 01, 2021, 10:35:12 PM #9 Last Edit: February 01, 2021, 11:45:40 PM by DangledTeeth

800 million Soviet Shitizens perishedied at the physically literal appendages of Joseph Stalin, the despotic general secretary of the Soviet Union for three deadly decades, who ruled with an iron fist inserted into the botty of the USSR's denizens. Being an exceptional cunt was his modus operandi, and his closest comrades feared the bureaucratic Georgian (from Georgia), for his stranglehold was tightened on all aspects of life across 1/6th of the world's land.

In this week's Biographics, we will be uncovering the egregious atrocities committed under the unique socialist regime manipulated and forged by one man and his walrus moustache - Joseph Stalin.

"It's time to kick capitalists out and kill Trotsky, but I'm all out of Trotsky"


Joseph Stalin wasn't born Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin, the man we'd come to know as Joseph Stalin, was born in the minuscule Georgian bumhole of Gohnud with the name Ioseb Jughashvili on a day in the year one eight seven eight. His father, Vissarion Jughashvili, 'Beso', was a vicinity pisshead who wore shoes. Sometimes Beso was so drunk he thought he was a shoe. His son Stalin definitely was no shoe, although in retrospect in would've made sense if he was one, because cowhide and laces cannot massacre billions of workers, peasants, intelligentsia et cetera. He did not give birth to the baby Jughashvili, oh nuh-no-no-no. Stalin's mother, Ekaterine 'Keke' Geladze, heaved the mischievous death merchant from her flaps in the aforementioned one day in the 18th of the 12 in the year one eight seven eight.

Stalin became fluent in Adjacent Foreign at the age of nine years old, namely the Russian language. There was fuck-all to do in those days, so aspiring to be a startling polyglot was the equivalent of the twerking sport and console gaming exhibited on current time's Instagram and Twitch. However, while Stalin mastered understanding funny backwards letters and wishy-washy Slavic orals, which were different from the squiggly native he was used to reading and speaking, Stalin's education was directed towards Christianity and a career as a priest by his mother Keke.

Look at this photo of a lady with a rigid smile and a supreme air of solemnity and mystique. Indeed, this poor trollop is Keke Jughashvili on the day she played hide and seek and was snapped with a curtain wrapped about her individual - everyone knows that the wardrobe is the best place to conceal oneself, not the clothing hung up on a hanger.

She surprised her son by enrolling him at Jesus Academy, otherwise known as a seminary. Soso Stalin was reportedly an exemplary student of the cloth. His participation in choir talent shows helped to project his silky voice of ethereal proportions, which catapulted him further into the realm and ethos of snitching and pledging an indelible allegiance to the Cross. Masturbanking was forbidden on the deity-worshipping campus, but that perhaps has a lot to do with the fact that computers weren't invented during this era of Stalin's life. The internet? Perhaps.

Seminary Soso's dedication to the tenets of Christianity started to wane once he met a revolutionary chap called, erm, I haven't got Wiki open at the minute, so... I-dunno-some-bloke. He whacked a copy of Das Kapital - bought from a state-owned bookshop for a Communist coppeck - into the Jesus tome. from this point forward, Stalin's philosophy on his purpose in life was skewed by a revolutionary and economical alternative formulated by a jolly German with billowing steam engine smoke for facial hair and a bloke with obtrusive fuck-off follicles atop his lips and hanging from his chin. These men were known as Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels.

The young Jughashvili decided that Tsar Nicholas the Second's dismally oppressive regime needed to be overthrown. Stalin would be a foreigner who'd take Nicholas' job.


In his younger years, Soso Stalin embarked on a brief career as a weatherman. His dashing good looks and voluminous deluge of hair made the local harlots feel a warm front in their hearts followed by a wet drizzle in their knicks. But Stalin wasn't interested in the weather-watching whores, not by far. Stalin's first love was Kato Svanidze and they married in 1906 and had a son called Yakov, whom Stalin gave not one solitary turd biscuit about and let the Nazis throw him on a barbwire fence - "I hev no zon!", boomed Stalin when the Nazis tried to negotiate an exchange for Yakov in place of their leading generals.

But one forecast Stalin could have never predicted was the howling wind of death. In nineteen oh seven, Kato succumbed to a terrible illness... and died. The devastated Stalin told the Georgian Chronicle newspaper: "This thing softened my granite pumper, and now the sociopath within me stirs and broods - you better hope I never rule Russia, mate, or else everyone's bollocksed beyond salvation".

Stalin, however, did not give up his irresistible sexiness and put it to good use by entering a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest around 1910. Stalin was ranked 3316 out of 3500 entrants. Of course, at this time Stalin was nothing more than a revolutionary blip and had no power or authority to unleash on those he wronged him. Sosokoba consequently moped his disappointment away in a safehouse.

But Stalin couldn't fulfill his lofty desire of eradicating the Duma, the provisional government, capitalism and then implementing socialism into the crumbling economical infrastructure of Russia all by himself. After spending his days, weeks, months and alternating years in the naughty cabin located in an icy void of Siberia, Stalin partnered with a renowned slaphead with hardened features called Vladimir Lenin, the successor to Karl Marx. With their powers combined, they obliterated Stolypin's armies and defeated Tsar Nick and his autocratic son who'd swell up into a crimson balloon if he clipped his anatomy into anything stationary and solid. The disastrous First World War made tsarist Russia a geographical laughing stock, and bread wasn't as accessible if your purse had no monetary fodder. Rasputin the magical peasant also fucked the Romanov reputation into the soil by becoming friends with the bourgeoisie as well as himself and that atrocious double side parting, too.

The Bolsheviks had enough of all this fannying about, therefore they took it upon themselves to tour western Russia with rifles and congregate in town halls to talk about the Hegelian transition from socialism to Communism. People were doubtless incensed by the decadent man Nicholas the Second and his bourgeois family and they were believed to have been shot and bayoneted after trying to flee. 1917 was won all thanks to Lenin, Stalin and Leon Trotsky, whom Stalin detested beyond all measure, and the array of rifles also were given Order of Lenin medals for bravery.

Stalin climbed the ranks and was a war general by 1918, where he cunted over Tsaritsyn with his army of killers, which was later renamed Stalin's Nads. In the 1920s, he grew tired of his position as general secretary and tried to resign, but Koba was so revered in communist circles they voted for him to stay.

By all accounts, Stalin prank called Lenin's wife, calling her a good-for-nothing syphilitic wankstation. Lenin was not pleased with Stalin's outburst, but they remained good mates until the fateful year of 1924, when Lenin stroked his goatee beard and died away. Lenin had a funeral because he was dead, or so people believed nowadays... today. In fact, Lenin had been incubated inside a transparent box in the world-renowned mausoleum; his pilgrims and loyal tankies awaited the second coming of the face-challenged ugly to awaken from his slumber whenever the USSR was in trouble. Experts of science are convinced that Lenin was no David Blaine and had starved himself of precious oxygen within minutes. Lenin's first task wouldve been to assassinate Stalin, give Khrushchev a slap, Brezhnev a clip around the ear, and he would've unfucked the swathes of Pizza Hut restaurants, including the terrible advertisement campaign advocated by and starring a sellout birthmark.

Stalin became the de facto leader of the USSR and came up with a controversial plan to kick start the economy in 1928: kill or exile the rich peasants for their sacks of goods. This approach has never been lauded by any economist. Famines happened in this region and the former weatherman Stalin was to blame for it all.

During this decade, Stalin fathered two children with his second wife Nadezhda Alliluyeva. They were Vasily and Svetlana, the latter defected to the USA in 1967.

During a dinner party in 1932, Stalin constantly referred to his troubled wife as 'You' and flicked peas and cigarette butts at her as her flirted with some bint across the table. She did not like his campaign against the peasantry. Nadezhda perambulated the Kremlin with a mate and they came to the conclusion that Stalin was a pissed-up cunt who probably had several affairs. Nadezhda Alliluyeva was found dead in her residence with a fatal gunshot wound to her heart. The murderer was a gun.

Music Again

1936-38 was the era of the Great Purge. Numerous members of his officer corps, intelligentsia, ballerinas, blunt colouring pencils and administrators at the GULAG camps were exterminated for trying to sabotage the advancement of communism. The former head of the NKVD secret police Nikolai Yezhov was removed of his position and airbrushed to death then replaced by a serial rapist and sadistic torturer extraordinaire known as Lavrentiy Beria.

Beria was a Georgian just like Stalin and joined team Stalenin in 1917, proving how efficient he was at being an evil shitbag. Lavrentiy Beria was a sycophantic wanker who knew how to appeal to Stalin. Whether he soaped Stalin in the bathhouses needs verification from a primary source.

By 1939, Stalin was concerned about the Nazis and wanted to save the oil fields, and he bought in his Molotov (but not the projectile) to have a chat with Hitler's minister for forron uhffairs, Heinzguntherlieblingfachen Wahkeen Fleck Von Ribbentrop. Stalin forgot to inform his buddies at the gates that some Nazi deplorable is landing soon, consequently having Ribbentrop almost shot down from the clouds. Fortunately, they all met up and had a flick taken where the mirthful Stalin greeted the Nazi cunt by palming him with one of those electric shock joke buzzers. Now, you're probably thinking that it would't be very courteous of Stalin to play a prank during a serious summit, but fortunately, it was assembled and circuited by a group of incompetent factory workers and didn't work. They agreed to not go over into their section of the map and vice versa. Hitler, being a thorough bastard, broke off the agreement within months by tanking his chaps over the line.

In the year of 1940, Leon Trotsky - a rival of Stalin - settled in Mexico City after being exiled to Turkey. Stalin ordered a Spanish NKVD spy to embed an ice axe into Trotsky's head. The bitter rivalry came to an end once the assassination attempt turned into a result for Stalin. It's been believe that the rivalry began because Trotsky just couldn't form the perfect moustache like Stalin did. And Stalin confided to his old friend Kirov, who was assassinated in the street, that Trotsky's striking blue eyes would help captivate the Soviets if he had those peepers, annnnd he was envious of Trotsky's leather war uniform.

The Second World War had a negative effect on Comrade Stalin, where - in 1941 - the Nazi scum humiliated the Red Army. A weary Stalin sat on his chair, had a yak roll and watched cowboy films. The politburo gathered in front of Stalin. A Startled Stalin suspected an overthrow, but all his friends had appeared before him and told him to sort himself out and become the Grand Honorary General and Field Marshal Commissariat of War, encouraging him to deliver an ominous speech (in his heavy Georgian accent) to the nation via radio and those squarish speakers things on poles with the cylindrical part in the centre. It sounded sort of like "Nyeeshka tuhzk zooprummi" or some incomprehensible shit like that.

Stalin stated that he would spare no P.O.W.s, no deserters after the battle against Hitler's men - either you win the war or have your welcome-home parade in a gulag camp. In 1945, Stalin and his quantity of shoddy tanks decimated the Nazis, forever cementing him in the history books as the victor and supplying a crumpled-up ace card to his neo-Stalinist supporters to use in his defense for being such a "lovely guy" who had "a stash of rubles and ornate stationary in his safe, with no cashed cheques" or whatever mental shit they come up with to exonerate the twat.

Music Three

In 1949, Stalin celebrated his 70th birthday at the Bolshoi Theatre with Mao and Khrushchev despite being born in 1878 - perhaps the Russia calendar differs to the West, or maybe people were too terrified to announce to their 'Man of Steel' dictator what year he was born in or else they would be shot without trial.

The Young Pioneers put on a wonderful show for Soso Stalin and showered him with several bouquets of flowers. His praises echoed around the tremendous theatre as the curtain was raised to reveal an outstanding depiction of an idealistic Stalin appearing like a ventriloquist dummy. It was an effort wasted, for Stalin did not seem in the least bit arsed about the celebration.

His paranoia got the better of him and he didn't trust Jewish doctors or anyone who shook his hand - his own reflection could also face one last purge. Stalin reportedly had his chef and entire family gulagged for a decade after serving his yak soup tepid and with an extra slice of bread. Stalin believed poison had affected the temperature of his delicacy, and the additional slice of bread was meant to have absorbed the deadly liquid to then spread throughout his veins.

In 1953, Stalin's brain erupted thereby causing the Premier of the USSR to keel over and urinate in his striped trousers. Kuntsevo staff were tentative about barging into the solitary Stalin's private quarters in fear that they'd be demoted to Secretary of Rock Breaking at the gulags if he was being his usual bureaucratic self. He was found paralysed with no ability to speak and had his micturated trousers on stink for his henchman. According to Nikita Khrushchev, Beria apparently kissed Stalin's hand countless times and jumped for joy and spat in Stalin's face when he appeared to slip away from this mortal realm. Stalin was said to have gasped new life into himself, then Beria dropped to his knees and appeared to massage Stalin's shins, concerned Stalin's new-found consciousness would lead to a complete recovery, which he did not. Deceased Stalin was paraded in his stately pyjamas and the streets of Moscow wear tsunami'ed with tears for the Father of Nation.

Joseph Stalin is a nasty fellow whose ruthless thirst for power would put a Ferrari convertible to shame, and his zeal for murder influenced by the Marxist-Leninist ideology made him commit statistics that would make a run-of-the-mill serial killer blush in embarrassment. And nobody ought to become a left-wing revolutionary at any stage in their lives. Fascism didn't work, and neither did communism - it belongs in a skip.

I've been Simon Whistler, and thank you for watching. Subscribe and smash the like button. New episode out next Thursday.


Stephen: My name's Stephen Kahtkin. I'm a professor of History at Princeton, and I'm an expert on Jozuph Stalen. I'm here tuhnight with a good pal of mine, Slavoj Zizek.


Slavoj: Pliihz, there's noeh nid toeh clep for me. I weell trrrry toeh prrrrovoke you weev a joke, Stephen. *Sniff-sniff* White leeberahl go to prrotest bluh-blah and try toeh tell bleck friends what to doeh and it ihs patrrrronising of them. *Pinches shirt and rubs nose* Paleetikol corrrrectness is a forrrm of totalitarrrrrianism. Err ERR. No. It is pure ideology.

Stephen: Theat's a funny joke, Slavoj. The ceaht in the microwave.

Slavoj: Did you hear the trrrehgic news?

Stephen: Whut's that?

Slavoj: Covid-19 hez not eliminated capeetaleezm. *Rubs nose*

Stephen: Well, there's more treagic nooz for us awll, but I'll come to theat in a minute. For those of you who've read my foirst vahlume awn Jozuph Stalen, you'll remember the coda tuwards the cuncloosion of da book, where I wonder what if Stalen had died around the time of collectivisation. Whut if it were somebahdy else who was the sociopeathic dictator. Whut if it were a courageous man with plenny of military experience, someone who could steand the test of time and heahd lahts of steahmina and enduhrance. There is one man who could have taken up the position perfuctly and nothing much would change, and the man I have in mind is the late Captain Tarm Moore of the United Kingdom, who peahssed away as a result of Covid-19. So, in true Stalen feashion, I took upon myself to airbrush history to see how different things would've been...

Slavoj: Theht iz a terrrrrible veezion. He would make you do 100 laps in gulag.

Stephen: Yep. It's the treagedy of a dictatorship and the cult of personality. I've been Stephen Kahtkin.

Slavoj: Ehnd I hev been Slavoj Zizek, whatever and so on. Thenk you forrrr attending our lecture.

Stephen: Thanks for stopping by.


February 09, 2021, 06:27:48 PM #12 Last Edit: February 09, 2021, 07:01:07 PM by DangledTeeth

Man: Hello, Comrades. My name is Alphonso Cattel. Am I wearing a wig or have I dyed my hair? Who knows... I definitely do. I look like a concierge for an upmarket hotel and a half-assed Hitler lookalike. Ironic. Annnnd I like to welcome you here tonight on behahf of the Stalin Society of North America and the Center for Marxist Education. Right over there *swings arm to point* several M-L comrades from various corners of the United States of different organisations came here and formed the Stalin Society of North America in this very hal-

Grover: CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP! I can't contain myself.

Alphonso bows his head and grins

Alphonso: It originally was going to be named in hahnour of Premier Stalin as the Communist's Union of the Northern Territory, but we decided to be bold with the Society's name as we know it now *drives finger into the podium* today. The Society is here to counter an-tie cahmmunist history, bourgeois revisionism and Rahbert Cahnquest, and specifically to restore the original historical verdict of The Great Stalin: he's naht an irredeemable fucknugget, and as the Giant of the 20th Century and Commissariat Secretary General of Marxist-Leninist Greatness, and as the Undisputed Leader for Evolution and Humanity.


Alphonso: From its inception, from when we had the bonkers idea to elevate cahmmunism to a mainstream audience by revering Uncle Joegashvilla and blaming all catastrophes on everyone but Stalin as though he was naive to all the wrongdoings committed by nahsty people who were closely associated with Stalin, erm, brilliant rationale. we discussed creating a Stalin Society in the U.S. and Canada similar to the ones formed 20 years ago in Britain, Pakistan, Tunisia, India and Ipswich. Yo, I wanna shout out our British tankies in... where-was-it-again? Britain, the bourgeois land of imperialism and colonialisation. And our Indian and Pakistani comrades, and our comrades' comrades invaluable supporhrt in creating this minuscule discussion group in a humble rectangle on these shores. We had this notion that we want to annually hahnour our beloved crackpot historian, the individual who - in our eyes - has decimated the bourgeois deceit purveyed by mul-tie-national book publishers and the swathes of biased historians financed by the Bilderburg group and the Hoover Institution. There was no doubt in my mind who will receive this year's prestigious award for their tremendous diligence and their peer-reviewed research. I love saying no doubt, no doubt. No Doubt the band. His web articles and range of books - the latest being 'Khrushchev is a Lying Asshole Cunt', No. 2,078,687 on the Amazon best-sellers chart - has in no doubt placed him, in my mind, as the leading Marxist scholar on the Stalin period, no doubt. It is with a surfeit of conceit and boiling lunacy I present to Professor Grover the Stalin Society of North America Award for Outstanding Achievement in Endeavours to Histahrical Research.

Grover: Well, erm, I'm really deeply touched by this ornate gold plaque. It's gold, gold like your hearts. GOLD!!!! Al-wayyyys never buh-lieve the lies Solzhenitsyn toooold, you've got the industrialised power to know you are a proletariat, always believe iiiiin.... (Stalin). The plaque will hang proudly like a Kulak next to my signed Phantom of the Ahpera poster, the theatrical work enjoyed by cosmopahlitan capitalists. Did you know, Stalin had lahts of uncashed cheques and there were rubles and a fancy notebook found in his safe by credible historians. Oh, and Papa Stalin gave people a lift in his car (so did Beria, but that's another story). Unlike grumpy face Hitler, Stalin had his photo taken while he pressed his thumb into his nose and wriggled his fingers as he laughed - some say they can imagine him grunting "BGH-HEEGH!" as a light emanation of flamin' haht Mahnster Munch dissipates under your thumped nahstrils, naht that Stalin would care forhr capitalist savoury snacks, unlike Gorbachut and his beloved pizzas. I mean, how can a nice guy like Stalin pahssibly mass-murhrder millions of people?!?! He didn't!! I have yet to find one crime - yet to find one crime - that Stalin committed, aside from him being a bank robber and briefly a bandit during his laudable revolutionary days which we're always prepared to regale comrades about. All the an-tie cahmmunist 'experts', Trotskyists and Khrushchevieruhruhists cannot present a single piece of evidence. If they found them, they'd surely sing it frahm the Kremlin. But if I were to be convinced that the counter-signed dahcuments aren't forgeries, then I'd play a sleight-of-hand manouevre and say that the challenge to find 'one crime' only applies to the sole crime of killing 20+ million people. Exaggeration of estimations is exoneration.

Man: I'll give professor Furr time to put his award in the supplied bubble wrap bag and put it in his satchel or something. I like to welcome you all to the Centre for Marxist Education, my name is Joe Ramsay. And as we live in this capitalist hellhole, we need cash to pay for utility and rent bills, har-har communism is no i-Phone. Observe the width of the jar and be sure to fill the motherfucker up - the PlayStation 5 will only be obtained once the cash has been exchanged, comrades.

Grover: I'm a bit of a tight bahstard at the moment, so I won't drarp a 100 dollar bill into the jar like I will in apprahximately four years' time at another location. Stalin did nothing wrong. Vuvuzela no iPhone Stalin's moustache bristles impaled 900 trillion people worn-out meme. I sound a bit like Donald Sutherland. Every 'historian' - air quotes, scorn - always base their LIES on Nazi propaganda. When Gorbachev commenced Glasnost as part of his pizzatroika he opened up the treasure trove of forged dahcumentations. It's true, an Estonian socialahgy professor emailed his anecdote told by his uncle to me three years ago. A high-ranking cahmmunist who's part of the duma or something had a look at a forbidden dahcumnent very few people get to read and he said it was fake. It's true, he told me. Uhm, Timothy Snyder is another boozjwah historian on the CIA payroll. Everything he says is categorically, provably, demonstrably, empirically, scientifically false. I have valuable intel from a cahmmunist theory professor at a university in Ukraine that says the Nazis were 200% behind the Katyn massacre. And you also have guys like Oleg Khlevniuk, ahbviously an agent of Pootin. Oh, you don't wanna read their books, no, who cares about a fair assessment?! And it's admittedly an odd thing for a language professor to say, as there's efficacy to be had in reading a book - BUT ONLY WHEN THEY'RE MY BOOKS. ON SALE NOW. *Simpers at audience* Question time... yes, the gentlemen comrade at the back... no, no, beside the man wearing the gilet, fleece jumper, combat trousers and a flatcap. Yeah, two rows next to another guy in a gilet, fleece jumper, combat trousers and a flatcap who's sat behind the guy wearing a gilet, fleece jumper, combat trousers and a flatcap.

Man: Hi. Uhm, are there any buuhdjwah historians with any new books out?

Grover: I'm going answer you, I'm going to answer you, I'm going to answer you. Why, yes. My arch-nemesis - naht J. Arch Getty, ah hah - has a book out as parhrt of a three-vahlume series, and the firhrst one's called Stalin: Paradoxes of Power, 1878-1928. A comrade said I praised the book, and well, I suppose that's true. But Kahtkin isn't someone I'd want to referhr to as a borejeeohiz historian as he's a professor at Princeton, which was wherhre I gaht my Phd and MA. And his first vahlume portrays Stalin as a blip who grew up in a troubled world and succeeded in making the Tsarist regime oppressive, and he's accurately represented Stalin as the audacious and dedicated sidekick of Lenin who saw the revolution of 1917 through and the battles fought against the fascist White Army etc. I won't bahther to fact-check anything that makes Stalin sound courageous because it's all surprisingly neutral from a right-wing conservative historian, and a McCarthyite "war-mongering lunatic" and "radical centrist" according to others. But it's the 1928-1941 Waiting for Hitler vahlume 2 I am furious about and wish to beat the deceit outta him, where he commences the book with the collectivisation! Kahtkin let his undergraduates and anti-cahmunnist research assistants write the whole damn thing. Stalin may have been a weatherman for a while, but he did naht manipulate the weather to cause famines!! Purges?! It was all Yezhov! Stalin was naive and was too bureaucratic to know anything about it until it was too late, then he redeemed himself by airbrushing the fascist spy Yezhov out of the renowned photograhph so as naht to offend the Soviet citizens. Here's a coupla jokes for you, first one: Kahtkin's research for his second vahlume.


Grover: And the second joke: what does someone who's asleep and Stephen Kahtkin have in cahmmon? They both lie. His doorstop cinderblarck is made up of lies - I'll cover it in another lecture elsewhere. Any more questions?

Woman: Stulin mumbly mumble.

Grover: For fuck's sake! Why is there always a distant person with an accent in these Q&As?! I'll politely pretend to understand what you just said, but I have to agree with Kahtkin in his lecture. The theme music to Maxie's World is life-affirming and so carefree. Amazing music. But naht as great as Phantom of the Ahpera. DeEEeEEe-RHAN-DUan-dun-duah-(daaah)!!!! Thank you and good night. And remember: the Kulaks deserved worse, as the Stalinists say on YouToob cahmments.


February 21, 2021, 10:34:17 PM #14 Last Edit: February 21, 2021, 10:57:08 PM by DangledTeeth
Judi Dench: I'm nawt Judi Dench, but I speak with light RP like her yet marginally better. In the early hauhrs of March the second in nineteen fifty-threeeeee, the meost pehwerfulhl man in the world lay dying... alone... soaked in pisssss!! He suffered a debilitating skull-oriented streokerysm twelhlve hauhrs befah. His guards were concerned, but they did nawt dare barge into his private office, for general premier secrehtary leader Stalin commisariat of apple juice would be rather crawss if he, the bureaucratic workhorse, was disturbed doing what he excelled at - underlining documents in coloured penseels.

How could a man -- who was worshipped by millions, a manifestation of mass-scale Stockheolhlm syndrome -- be left to lie helhlpless, drenched to the ankles in urine. His own urine. There's no dignity in being found face-down in a puddle of wee-wee.

Stalin had builhlt an empire on the ballasts and rawl plugs of disgusting tehrrah, justifying it in the name of a rrrradical econawmic policeh, and through it he rulhled his countreh, government, his party, and controlling meost facets of daily life through his autocrehtic decades of dictatorship, but one aspect he could nawt control was his fucking bladder. He even terrorised the dawctors who could have treated him through their medical expertise... but Stalin didn't trust those with funny noses and little hats.

Stalin had no one. Nawt a wife, nor any children present. All he had for companeh was his damp trawsers accompanied by a miasma of salmon and microwaved Honey Nut Corn Flakes. Stalin's private life was indeed private, and it was his most private appendage that launched the deathly slash into the fine materialhl of his trawsers. He had become a victim of himself and the dictatorship he constructed for himself and the regime he dedicated his working life to, only to trip over as a result of a headache, tumbling to the grawnd, then saturating his flags with a streak of a piss from his cock of communism.

Nawt Judi Dench: At the time of his death, Stalin was the meost famous Joseph the world had ever known, yuears befahw Jason Donovan wore the Technicolour Dreamceoat. Joseph Stalin's pawpulariteh surpassed every other fucker on the planet. In the Sovvyet Union the denizens displayed 30-foot-high billboards bearing the winsome countenance of seocialism; factorehs mass-produced tea and dinner sets bearing the profile of the Father of Nation, Joseph Stalin; evereh school classroom had its walls adorned with one humble portrait of Uncle Joe. He was the bosom of the U.S.S.R, and his industrial underlings were routinely on the teet. Stalin was the subject of a cunt of personaliteh. 160 million people felhlt they knew Koba personalleh. But, of cawse, hardly any of them knew the real despotic Joseph Stalin, depictions of a Georgian man in an understated tunic cannawt give you any true insight into the psychologeh of the 20th century's longest ruling leader. The real man was a mass of contradictions. Hawnted by pahrahrnoia, right up until the moment his uretha vomitted into his legs' hammock.

Sinister Music

Nawt Judi Dench: Stalin used terror scientifically, everywhereally, sovvyetally, he destroyed tens of millions of lives. It's a lawt of victims, but the poor soulhls did nawt stand a chance against the almighty Koba who forged the U.S.S.R and converted the remnants of the fallen empire into a economical powerhouse of unethical dubiousness.

Robert Service: Hello, Robert Service at your surname, ah-hah-har. I'm the Oxford professor of Russian History (at Oxford), as the onscreen text will tell you. I look like an antique dealer. But enough about me, time for history about Soso Stalin. Well... some
people revered Stalin until his nipples caved in, and there were some people who... didn't like Stalin, but they appeared to mourn him when he died or maaaaybeeee they excreted damp tears of relief.

Nawt Judi Dench: It is tempting to dismiss Stalin as a psychopath, but 'follicle-lipped authoritarrrrian shit-shower' is a more tempting description of the psychopath. But look at this, Stalin had a photo alhlbum...

Nawt Judi Dench: He appeared to be a warm and gentle family man who had a camera and plenty of time to pose with aunts, uncles, nephews, cousins, in-laws, humans blah-de-blah all depicted in sepia. But most of the folks in these phuotograwphs would be purged or gulagged beyond galaxies.

The opening of the Archives in recent yuaahrs has finally ree-vealed the tehrah of Stalin. Smooth close-up with melancholic music. Extreme poverty to ehbsalute powah. Georgian Stalin was born in Georgia, which is north-east of Turkey. The village he was born was quite minuscule - Gori, spelled with an I. A mental land with a historeh of tribalism and foreigners. He was baptised Eeyoseb Veessarionavich Zjyuhgarshvihleh. His mother Keke - nawt to be confused with the singer KiKi Dee - called him Soso. SOSO. He was a guttersnipe of a so 'n' so, but Soso wasn't so-so at the seminary, which I'll speak about in a minute. Sohsoh was born into poverty. His mother wanked 50 cows a week in order to rent a 2-bedroom house with one wall. Three dead infant siblings died at a young age in infancy. Keke channelled all of her hope into her one son, and that son was Iososo Dzhejhustalinvili. She was a Christian, and wore a curtain over her bonce to denote how Christian she was. And she dreamed Sohsoh would become a Man of God.

Nawt Judi Dench: But the heopes and dreams were overshadowed by his booze hound of a father. Despite there being only one photograph of Besarion (or Boozo) the alcoholic, there's a plethora of documentation that tells us he was an abusive man. Boozo made shoes, or at least he was supposed to. He was so inebriated on one of his shifts, his supervisor was dismayed to find a pair of one-fingered cow hide mittens tied together. Whatever pittance he was furnished with went towards the booze bank. And when he staggered home, he'd ask Keke if she could lend him a few quid to bet on the mule race, and sometimes demanded egg and chips to be left in the oven.

Rosamond Richardson Author of 'The Long Shadow': His father fucked up Stalin's left elbow and his arm became all withered and a bit ineffective; and this instilled in him the Marxist ideology, a zeal for rapid industrialisation, insomnia and a love of underlining things in colouring pencils. And in all the photographs of Stalin mainly wearing a long, thick coat or a finely pressed tunic you will see how shit his left waver was.

Nawt Judi Dench: Here is a landscape of Georgia. Horizon earth substance all hard. Structures in clusters. Soso Stalin could have vanished into 19th-century Georgian squalaw. But remarkably, an alliterate angel appeared in front of Stalin: Yaakawb Somethingvili, rumoured to be Stalin's father. He was the protector. He had a grey beard.

Tina Egnatashvili: Mr Saturn zoom zoom.

Translation: The godfather.

Nawt Judi Dench: Yaakawb's patronage could help Keke nudge Soso into the world of anuthoritarianism and snitching. Entry into the god-loving club could propel Soso Stalin in to a worlhld of educated elites of the tsarist empire

Simon Sebag Montefiore: Helloeh, I'm one of those pawsh bore-jzwah historians the tankies are livid about. I'm sat inside my dimly lit study. I look like a testicle with a half-arsed hair transplant. I'm wearing a smart Pierre Cardin shirt. The camera is filming myself from the waist up, but you can visualise myself wearing a pair of cream chinos bought from Selfridges. You can also picture me sauntering around a flagship Waitrose on the hunt for a good bottle of pinot and packet of smoked salmon, while conversing on the phone with my friend about the latest James Delingpole column. My book Stalin: The Court of the Red Tsar is available now, and Stalin mega expert Stephen Kotkin thinks that it's brilliantly written yet should have won the Man Booker Prize and that nawt all of it is rooted in documentation, although he does praise my future Romanov book, which a Swedish historian says has several inaccuracies but is still good. Be sure to purchase my accompanying book 'Young Stalin' in 2007, which has a knicker-soddening front cover of the Asiatic sexbroth staring at customers, mainly for centre-right and centre-left Lotties and Emilias who want to read an audacious tale of a ruggedly masculine yet throughly evil psychobox. He was an exceptional kid. A super-intelligent damaged child. He could learn a written language way before the underachieving reprobates of his age group.

Nawt Judi Dench: Soso of Georgia spoke his native language, as one would expect. But it was part of the Russian empire, so Soso had to understand Cyrillic font which was more structured than the squiggly shit he was accustomed to. He was forced by his school to learned how to speak and write in insanity-level Slavic. It was a land of factions and confrontations. Stalinsoso learned fisticuffs and even though he was a bit of a shortarse, no jive-ass mofo ain't done mess up his shit. At aged fourteen he uppercutted his way to scholarship at a seminary, in Teebleesee. Poverty to priesthood - he had a slice, ma'e.

Robert Service: Priesthood, severe. Beatings, including solitary confinement (plus a beating). It was no Center Parcs, let me assure you. Oh, is that all I have to say? You're going to switch over to the woman who did a book?!

Rosamond Richardson: For Stalin, beating was the worst punishment you could inflict on anybody. Of course, hiding your PlayStation 2 is far worse - cotemporary reference in '04. But later on in his life when asked about the seminary he said that the worst punishment you could mete out is a beating. "Beat them, beat them, and I ain't on about a handjob, unless you use sandpaper plastered with iron dusting, son."

Nawt Judi Dench: The seminareh was nawt just a place for Christianiteh - scrutinise the slow zoom-in as the tense music plays - a gaggle of clever twats could debate radicalhl new ideas, such as: Stalinism - the unique spice of Marxism-Leninism. They read Richard Darwin, the bearded genius with slightly crooked teeth. And soon enough, they perrrrused the revoltionary prattling of Karlhl Marx. Hot off the press in Russia. The seminareh would have been worried by Soso's flirtations with anything but Jesus. Tsar Nicholas's metaphorical peacock arse symbolised the decadent repression of his regime which didn't give a cloud of anodyne flatulence about democracy; any political demonstration or organisation resulted in incarceration or exile to Siberia. Soso knew he was destined to become the new Tsar of Russia under the facade of somebody else's communist drrrream, but he didn't augment the authoritarian system whatsobastardever. Wanker!!

The 20-year-olhld Soso was enthralled by the penmanship of Karl Marx and was convinced that the Tsars would be swept away by a class war. Bang! Stalin backhanded the door open and dreamily strode out of Jesus University as a middle-aged man polished the floor. Soso cunted away his mother's desire for him to become a slave of the cloth. Soso had found a new lord to worship.

Robert Service: Oh it's my time to talk. Ah-ah-ahem! The sort of Marxism that attracted him was the Marxism that would decimate the Russian empire, Stalin saw tsarism as a system "for money-grubbing ponces with labrinthian buildings and country retreats we can occupy and invite elite 'communists' around to attend elaborate theatrical performances and pirouette in vast ballrooms like fucking capitalists, while the poor twats in places like Magnitogorsk will risk severe injury and their lives at steel mills, and the labourers chip away boulders in order to build a new arse for me". He wanted all that to be eliminated in the sense of the system not affecting him and his like-minded friends who achieved his goals, fuck everyone else - but most of all Trotsky.

Nawt Judi Dench: Adopting a new ideologeh required a new identiteh. Soso came up with a multitude of aliases he could use to make himself sound like mystifying yet robust individualhl: Comman; Tsar Destroyer; Barry; Percival Purge; Cecil the Happy Communist; Steve Socialist; Commisarriat of Cumstain; Bristle Lip; George of the Georgia; Russia's Cock; Warlord Buttercup; Stamp Collector Nigel; Flan; William Roche; Veruca Hades. But he decided on the name 'Koba', after a Georgian Robin Hood-style hero, although 'Friar Fuck' was a contender for his new pseudonym. Long live the Koba. Hang friar kulak.

Koba had a new mission - to spread the gospel of Marx and Engelsburphumpedadick and preach to the urban workers who had much to gain from Marxism. In the Black Sea port of Tatoomy, Koba Stalin organised a demonstration that ended in people. 15 died and many more were wounded. Koba had been bloody bloodied and had an exclusive photoshoot with the rozzers.

On the 9th of July 1903, Koba boarded the Siberian Express and was horizontalled off to a tundra of fridge wind. If the seminareh had been a schoolhl for revolutionaries, Siberia was akin to a wankcrater of a university. Here he became friends with hardened activists, many of whom would become leaders in the Russian Revolution.

Montefiore: Yah, pawsh man again. Awftentimes the exiles were rather like an expedition to a reading club, where a band of these dallying scumtits would read books because it took their mind off the cadmium dessert. Every now and then they'd decide to fark awff to a locomotive station in their vicinity. Some useless gendarme would watch them and they'd evade him and the onboard tickermaster. According to Beria's biography of Stalin, Koba hid in the lavatoreh for about  1/16th of the journeh and while he was waiting until the ticketmaster had patrolled the carriages, Koba curled orff a bum viper and half of the passengers on the same carriage wrapped their head scarves around their yappers to prevent their olfactories from being assaulted by the invisible violence emanating from Stalin's egregious log.

Nawt Judi Dench: Koba could easily slip away from exile back to Teebleesee. It was there he had fallen in love with a local girlhl called Katto Swahnneetsvey or however you pronounce that bawllocks.

Rosamond Richardson: He'd fallen in love with his mother. Well, not like that. Kato was a religious twat and quite conventional. However, Stalin was on his heels to some revolutionary meeting and left her to be a housewife.

Robert Service: And in 1905, Nicholas the Second was almost bollocksed. No joke. Strike broke out; peasants started challenging their landlords to a fight. It came close to a full revolution minus The Beatles. On your marx, against the jet set, go. Doctrines of total change. Big political figures, mate.

Nawt Judi Dench: The unsuccessful rising created new comrades for Koba. Within weeks of marrying Kato, he left for Finland on forged papers to meet Veladiyimir Ilich Len-nin. What he found... surprised him. Lenin wasn't this hulking chad that Koba expected. "I was expecting to meet a powerful man with terrific poise, exuding charisma from his six-foot-plus frame, and an aura of steely confidence about his general demeanour. Instead, I was greeted by a little pig-nosed fellow with a goatee beard. Vague Mongolian features."

Montefoire: In Stalin, Lenin found the ideal right-hand man. Lenin was ensconced in the world of bourgeois intellectualism, frequenting a hipster cafe; and Lenin needed the rugged Georgian organiser to steer the cause in another direction. Lenin needed dedicated men with nothing to lose, and Stalin with his Mum's two-bedroom house with one wall, and several guestbook signings at Hotel Exile, certainly had nothing to lose.

Nawt Judi Dench: The comrades became somewhat suspicious of Koba. The tsarist secret police, the Okranha, were seeking an underground printing press in Teebleesee, which printed off reels of revolutionary pamphlets and were sent to factories, some even included crude diagrams of a willy. Bombs were known to be stored there. They were anonymously tipped off about the location of the press and soon shut down the activity. Was Koba a fucking grass? We shall never, never knooooow.

Whilst on the run, Stalin heard that Kat-toe had given birth to a young boy who'd been named Yakov. He came home... but nawt to celebrate. Katto had been weakened after heaving the sprog from her second gob and succumbed to teyooberculosis.

Rosamond Richardson: When Kayto died, Stalin heartfeltedialally told a stenographer: "This sexy twat from the depths of the lake had softened my arteries. Any compassion I've felt has now been converted into feelings of acute misanthropy. Marks my words: I will rule Russia and called it the U.S.S.R, fuck that girly shit 'RSFSR'. And I shall enslave and  purge 220 million Soviets. Don't bother being born, you're already dead. Sobbity-sobbity."

Nawt Judi Dench: After Kat-toe was laid to rest, Stalin nipped on the nearest 'motive and left baby Yakov with Kato's sisters so that the crap dad could focus on dismantling the tsarist infastructure. Was it worth it? At that meoment in time, nnnno. Stalin was banged up in Russian Scrubs and was a hardened motherfucker. One cell mate described how "the inmates were cowering at the sound of gunshots as a result of executions. Stalin twirled the end of his walrus 'tache and shrugged. When a riot broke out, Stalin wasn't arsed in the slightest, for he was engrossed in a book about learning Esperanto."

Stalin was adept at robbing banks and was a key agitator. He offed his fuck from exile and returned to St. Petersberg and went by a new name. From now on he would be Stalin - Man of Steel.

Stalin slipped into the network of murderous rebels. He stayed at the home of a trusted family of radicals called the Alliluyevas. Their flat was a rock's chuck away from the Winter Palace. Their house was a place for subversives.

Stalin's Niece: Dehn-nuhnuh-noo-duhnuh-doo-nuhnehneh

Translation: Stalin came to the safehouse when the police came sniffing, and he entered my back door.

Nawt Judi Dench: But escape was a plan of woe. The Okranha captured Stalin and railed him off to exile once again. This time it was mega rubbish. Snow. Ceold. Vawst emptiness. He was called up to be drafted to the war, but with his shit wanking arm taken into consideration, he was nawt called forth on the frontline. But it wasn't all negative, by 1917 the Tsar was overthrown. Power was in the palms of the Provisional Government, but it was shortlived once the Bolsheviks opposed them.

Stalin found the offices of Pravdaaaa. Became the editor and propagandad your dad's pecs off. Lenin left a train and swore at Stalin for being a dodgy editor. "Gobble my wrath, Stalinu". Despite that, Stalin was a well-trained dog and he panted at Lenin's rhetoric. But Stalin loathed the squashed face and luxurious head of hair of Lev Trotsky, and for being an intellectual dandy. Trotsky was much more magnificent that the Georgian .

Robert Service: Stalin was not one of the great orators. People remarked that he had a snide and slippery tone of voice behind that colossally heavy Georgian accent, others thought he sounded like a bewildered pussy. He wasn't a magnetically raving nutbar like the emotional and atrocious Hitler. Stalin was nervous about giving big speeches, but he excelled at bureaucratic office duties - organising the party and editing things to his liking, that was top lad Stalin.

Nawt Judi Dench: Stalin's roll lacked butter, but it was yummy all the same.

Montefiore: He was a startling factotum. He did every-fucking-thing imaginable. Trawtsky was a celeb of Europe, no lunchbawx had Stalin's face emblazoned on it. "Who the fuck is this tsunami-haired knobend who looks like cross between a Victorian tailor and a kebab shop manager?" the people of the era would wonder

Nawt Judi Dench: Leh-nin approoooved of Stah-lin... but he was nawt best pleased when Stalin prank-called Lenninin's wife and jokingly called her to say "Put Ilich on the pissing blower, you mainland conduit of Aids". But Lenin soon saw the funny side of Stalin's rogueish brand of mirth, and they chuckled and giggled until Lenin started to be affected by his ailments. By this time, Stalin wielded an enormous amount of power during Lenin's recuperation, and thus: Josef "The Revolutionary Formerly Known as Koba" Stalin was born.

Unsettling Music

The 38-yuhr-old Stalin former a relationship with 16-yueahr-old Nadezhda Alliluyeva. Ahem!!!!

Rosamond Richardson: Nadezhda was a little girl when Stalin met her. He'd read the family stories and would scare them to sleep with that bit from Crime and Punishment,
Spoiler alert
where Raskolnikov bludgeons two women with an axe, and the later part with the drunk bloke who gets his chest trampled in by a horse and his wife and kids watch him slip away or something along those lines
. They had terrific fun with Stalin. They had snowball fights, went to the funfair and had a go on the Time Crisis arcade - R-R-RUH-RELOOAAAD! - or was that House of the Dead?

Nawt Judi Dench: Grain supplies weren't getting through to the cities. Fuck! Destination? City of Sahreetsin. None of this abstract clause tellhls youuu anything.

Montefoire: Yep, me again. Stauwlin and his men luearned how to be tawp killers, whawt-whawt. Riding shotgun in awmoured trains. Grasping thahr rifles of inevitable deattthh. Their literal sights set on the gatherings of aristocrats. Fucking massacres all over the shop, sir. They felt that they were living the power and glamour and rush and extravagance of revolution. They were zealous hardcore lefties, but the spirit of man was in the air. Yah, a bally good sojourn through the picturesque landscape, so invigorating.

Nawt Judi Dench: Abawd Stalin's wartrain The Soaring Bolshevik was Stalin's 16-yuahr-eold secretareh, Nadezhda. Her brother Fyodor was on the train. Returning from the dining sah-loon, Fyodor heard his sister cry out.

Stalin's Niece: Ueeh-lueh-errr-DAAARELEE-NAAARE-NUUuuh-leeEE-NAARE-Nuuuuh

Translation: Allegedly, Stalin started to force himself on her...

Translation: ...I read this rubbish somewhere, probably Buzzfeed. Was Buzzfeed around in '03? But honestly, fam, he loved her. Why would he do that if he was in love with her?!

Nawt Judi Dench: Erm... cheery days. From that day forward, they were husband and wife - a Bolshevik wedding solemnised in a fucking bloodbath. Executions were rampant and peo-pell died as a result of being killhlhlhlhlled.

Poignant Music

Montefiore: Stalin behaved with macho violence. He folded his arms and guffawed with much aplomb as he passed by lifeless wrecks, utterly gratified as he reached out and snatched their grain. When he had prisoners on a barge, he pondered their fate as he stroked the whiskers of his macho moustache, each glide of his thumb and index finger represented the unfortunates as they were capsized into the drink. Moscow needed its grain, and Stalin's violence secured the prize. It was the first time he had ab-so-lute power, and he knew how to hose it. He learned the ruling rule which he'd abide to for the rest of his career: one jelly doughnut, one problem; no jelly doughnut, yum yum.!. There's an additional rule he went by: You think you're big time? You're gonna fuckin' DIE big time!.

Nawt Judi Dench: A neyoo position was created for Stalin - General Secretareh of the Bolshevik Pahtee. He was the meost paahful man in the parteh, and the meost e-villhl until Beria ascended. Lenin was a busy man, but he wasn't busy when he died after four sterokes. Stalin made a eulogistic tribute to his departed comrade, feeling a sense of guilt over the prank telephone cawll, despite knowing that Lenin understood that it was all in good fun.

"Come back. (I didn't mean it). C O M E  B A C K!! I-didn't-mean-it! And after all the feelings goooo, I see I still love you, I'm Soso. I just thought I'd let you knoooow now that everything's okay. And you are on your way back, back to where you caaaame, she said with pain in her gunshot heaaaaart, it was there from the staaaart. Now I know why everything turns grey, but it's our own world we paaaiiiint. And I want the brightest, I want flourescence every day and night. For the rest of my life, open your eyes, won't you? Can't you seeeeee you're so beautiful to meeeee?


Don't look back as a matter of fact there's a ten foot Cossack who wants to break your back. You stole his girl, you wrecked his world. Now it's your head that he's gonna twirl. He won't think once, he won't think twice. Cause he knows what he's gonna do tonight. He will commit a crime, a crime of love. And he won't be happy till he sees your blood. Looking back on when you left me. Standing by the train. Don't look back as a matter of fact there's a son of a bitch and he's digging a ditch. For you, my friend, my lucky one. So grab your things it's time to run to the other side, where love takes pride, and your souls. The only thing that stays alive. Ma maooba goo goo ga ga. Hey! quit talkin that capitalist jive! Looking back on when I left you... writhing in pain. Don't look back as a matter of fact there's a ten foot kulak, wants to break your back. You stole his grain, you wrecked his world. Now it's your head that he's gonna twirl. He won't think once, he won't think twice. Cause he knows we'll take his bag of rice. He will commit a crime, a crime of love. And he won't be happy till he sees your blood. Looking back on when you left me. Standing by the train, incredible pain... I understand! You have to be your own personnnnnn. Well, that's ok with meeeee. Hurts, hurts, hurts, like a - like a motherfucker. Love. it hurts. It kills, like a sonofabitch. That feeling. It gets me. Down inside. Deep down there. No further. keep going. oh man, that's right out of the capitalist system

Nawt Judi Dench: Stalin gained supreme power and would destroy those who crawssed him, with assistance from his collective leadership. His main rival was Trotsky, whom he sent packing on a one-way ride on a train. And yes, it was the same train where Stalin did a dirty in the lavatoreh (it still smelled a bit). For twenty yueahrs Stalin lived in Trotsky's shadow. And the shadow would devour Trotsky himselhlf in years to come. The charismatic blue-eyed orator and leader of the Red Army was scintillating with glory and credentials. Trotsky described Stalin as "a pointless Freddie Mercureh lookalike who was born in the wrong era. An amazing mediocrity with a sway to his walk and a terrible left arm that's got about as much use as a solar-powered blindfold, not to mention one of those silly forron accents". My gawsh, Trotsky couldn't be more wrong about Stalin, and he paid the ice pick, sorry, price.

Montefiore: Yep, it's me again, earnestly making the mundane things sound more gripping than what they are and jazzing up the terror to the point where it sounds audacious and idealistic. Stalin had magnificent control over Lenin's legacy, he controlled what literature would be published about him. Embalming Lenin and displaying him in a glass bawx was a deft way in constructing the foundations for the religion of Stalinist Bolshevism. It worked.

Nawt Judi Dench: By 1929, the USSR achieved the level of industrialisation achieved befaw the First World War. General Secretary Stalin embarked on his mission to vault over the imperialist continents in only a few yuears.

Robert Service: Stalin wanted to make the USSR an industrious colossus. And a military power. Soviet modernity. And a supply of yak meat - he loved his yak, did old Stalin. He wanted to chuck the peasants and Christianity into a fucking bin to make way for an industrialised countryside.

Nawt Judi Dench: In the cities, Stalin mobilised his army of Communist loyalists to help obliterate any cunt who stood in the way of progression. They headed out in to the countrehside. There mission was to drag the peasants into Stalin's era. If the peasants didn't cooperate, they would be used as tarmac. And Stalin awlso dispatched his NKVD Troikas, which were travelling trials for innocent people.

Nawt Judi Dench: To be completeleh hawnist with you, I'm getting pretty damn tired of narrating over this documentareh, let's just skip to where the bastard is dead.

Montefiore: Wuh-wait, I've gawt one last segment for you. From these documents we've been able to determine that the peasants were put into three categories. Category one: to be shot instantly. Category two: shot by a guard at a gulag. Category three: shot by a gun in exile. So the upshot *snort* of it all is this: death by firearm. Nobody wants to to be killed whatsoever, certain nawt by an execrable fopdoodle with stolen uniform. You can see my finger pointing at the funny forron text. Believe it or nawt, that weird-looking shit at the bottom-right to conclude the document simply says 'J. Stalin', nawt 'Ampersand Grapa'. You wouldn't have known that unless somebody like me told you, or if you could read Russian. Maybe I can read Russian or somebody translated it on my behalf, who knows? But one thing us historianssss do know is Stalin is a complete rotter of a cad; he's a tough and intelligent customer but an ungainly chap with largely dreadful notions, with a voracity for socialistic prestige and power. Do not recreate anything you have seen in this documentary, unless you have a group of radical chums and a D-class 4656437 steam engine, in which case enjoy your tits awff.

Nawt Judi Dench: As we'll remember from the introduction, Stalin watered his spuds in his dying moments, much to the amusement of everyone else who checked into his room. Here he is attracting bluebottles, with a sickly olive tint to his despotic presence. He desperately clung on to his life of monstrousleh hawrrid achievements. But it was futile, because Joseph Sosokoba Stalinvili became histuhreh. I have been Nawt Judi Dench, thank you for watching.


Leninem - Sta'n

My tits grown mould
I'm fumbling in Benidorm
The morbid racist climbs through my window
And I can feed a gull
And even if I cum with an awkward gait
I'll put a pick axe in my wart
It's reminds me that nuts are bad
nuts are bad.

Dear 'nin, I wrote you but still ain't callin'
I left my hut number and my phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in exile, you must not-a got 'em
There probably was a problem with the telegram or somethin'
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up, man? Do you have a daughter?
My girlfriend's pregnant, I'm 'bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?
I'ma name her Svetlana
I read about your second stroke, too, I'm sorry
I had a friend keel over and some bitch didn't help him
I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your biggest comrade
I even got a bullet fired by Fanny Kaplan
I got a room full of pictures of when you went to Kazan
I like the shit you did with the Revolution too - that shit was fat!
Anyways, I hope you get this, man, hit me back
Adjust your flatcap,
Truly ours, your biggest comrade
This is Sta'n

My tick's gone cold
I'm wondering why I gotta bed a foal
The moaning rake counts up my minnow
And I can teach adults
And even if I could oil squeaky gates
Put your pincher on my walnut
It remembers me, it's not soaped back
It's not soaped back

Dear 'nin, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad, I just think it's fucked up you don't answer comrades
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside Lubyanka
"You don't have to hassle me", but you coulda signed an autograph for Vassily, you wanker.
That's my little son, man, he's only six years old
We waited in the Siberian cold for you
For four hours and you just said, "Bol'."
That's pretty shitty man, you're like his fuckin' idol
He wants to be just like you, man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad, though, I just don't like bein' lied to
Remember when we met in St. Petersburg, you said if I'd write you, you would write back
See, I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my father neither
He used to always get drunk, approach my mom and beat her
I can relate to what you're saying in your speeches
So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and the sadness decreases
'Cause I don't really got shit else, so that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest
Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See, everything you say is real, and I respect you 'cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous 'cause I talk about you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you 'nin - no one does!!
She don't know what it was like for Bolsheviks like us growin' up,
You gotta call me, man
I'll be the biggest comrade you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, J. Sta'n
P.S. we should be together too

My team's gone rogue and I'm wanking on ladders, y'all
The porn came and clogged up Windows
And my arse is seeping cod
And even if I'm a cunt it'll all be great
Put your penis on my wasp
It reminds me, that it's eggnog, Sinbad
It's eggnog, Sinbad

Dear Comrade I'm-Too-Good-to-Call-or-Write-my-Comrades
This will be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word, I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters, I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my telegram I'm sending you - I hope you read it
I'm in the sled right now, I'm doing 10 on the tundra
Hey 'nin, I drank a fifth of vodka
You dare me to drive?
You know Rimsky-Korsakov's The Tale of Tsar Saltan at the Kiev Opera House?
And there was that guy, Dmitry Bogrov, who shot Stolypin
Then the Tsar saw it all, then he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you could a rescued me from drinking a shot
Now it's too late, I'm on a thousand vodkas now, I'm drowsy
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall
I love you 'nin, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't BREATH WITHOUT ME
See 'nin - shut up, bitch! I'm tryin' to talk!
Hey 'nin, that's my girlfriend screamin' in the trunk
But I didn't shoot her heart, I just tied her up - see, I ain't like you
'Cause if she died she'll die more, and then she'll die too
Well, gotta go. I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot! how am I supposed to send this shit out?!

Maltesers gone old I'm pumping out a Bedford mall
The corny way lights up my bingo
And I can't ceefax in the hall
And even if I could it'll all be grain
Get a puncture as I waltz
It reminds me, that Soso's bad
Soso's bad

Dear Sta'n, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said Nadezhda's pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
And here's an autograph for your son
I wrote it on the flat cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you with the Politboro, I must've missed you
Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you like to hang kulaks too?
I say that shit just clownin', com'. Come on, how fucked up is you?
You got some issues, Sta'n, I think you're mental - very scary
Somebody ought to replace you as General Secretary
And what's this shit about us meant to exile Trotsky?
That type of shit will make me not want us to meet each other again while ya style's cocky.
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
Or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin' just fine if you eat yak a little
I'm glad I inspire you but, Sta'n
Why are you so mad?
Try to understand, that I do want you as a comrade
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his sled over a bridge
And had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was purged with his kid
And in the car they found a letter, saying he hates a blue-eyed Jew.
Come to think about, his name was... it was you!!!!!!!


A Stalin-themed fast food outlet opened adjacently to the Kremlin and was 'purged' within twenty-four hours of opening.

Joseph Stalin is a divisive historical figure in Russia. Some citizens believe that he is a war hero in the same vein as Winston 'Bengal Famine' Churchill; others think he's an authoritarian dictator of a cunt responsible for the deaths of those who died.

The small restaurant caused outrage on social media, with local residents complaining that relatives had to live during the repression and that Stalin wasn't a convivial chap whatsoever. A nearby shop owner directly opposite - who didn't want to be named - said that "the takeaway is in bad taste - exactly like the food. I mean, I didn't purchase any to be of this opinion. I was only getting directions on how to get away from there"

Convenience snack purveyor and owner Artyom Wankilov employed two of his friends to deep-fry and microwave imported cow meat. The busy trio performed their customer-pleasing tasks while wearing an NKVD secret police uniform complete with a blue hat. Artyom was awakened by an ominous knock on his apartment door before being forced out of his apartment by uniformed men and taken to FSB HQ at 4am, where he was questioned for two hours and released without charge.

Artyom Wankilov: Heeey, I darink voodka. I not zterotype. Like my Erdidas puants? They goohd for zquat. I started my byiznyiz because I love General Zecretarey Stalin. Borejzwah pipple lie all time about my hieiro. I tell you why he bezt, yhez? Fyorst, he create zecond behyzt induztrial power, he won Zyecond Woohd War by speak on redio to citizanz ehnnnnd he nyever carsh a chyeque in hiz life, but he import Buick and Cadillacs frum capitalism ehmerica and like the cowboy movieiez, so I not want to tolk about thiz. I prove big liez about Comrade Stalin. If you use iyntuhniet and syearch for Stalin quote, they uzually all the wrong - it iz dizgrurce. How kyen we truzt Western propaganda when this hyippen and feht American say "Stalin kill 40 million pipple", but uh courze they do nuht hev same eykcent of me. I woohd hev pang of the conscience if thiz were shop with gulag theme and Holodomor, but thiz upset pipple, and Stalin is in no way zynahnymous with theze thyings so it okeyeh. But lukal polize think it bad and must close now. But I will come byeck from metaphor exile and move my humble capitalist enterprize into Lubyanka - ehnd if you nuht injoy my food, you will be sobjyect to tuhtyure where I break fingers until you cunfyess to eatin' eht Pizza Hut. Slava Stalinu!



NKVDoner Kebab - Free
Khrushish Kebab - 1 coppeck
Kobafte Kebab - 1 coppeck
Fanny Wraplan - 2 coppecks
Urralfa Kebab - 2 coppecks
Stalin Prize Kebab - 3 rubles
Quarter Pounder Beriager - 1 coppeck
Chekaken Burger - 1 coppeck

Side Orders

Trotskyamasalata - 10-year gulag
Duma (Stuffed Leaves) - free


Leninade - 1 coppeck
Cream Sosoda - 1 coppeck
1917-up - 1 coppeck
Orangeboro - 1 coppeck


Last one to stop posting gets shot.


Great stuff, really enjoying this. Can't wait to read comrade Stalin's review of The Piss Trousered Misanthropist.


March 12, 2021, 09:25:16 PM #19 Last Edit: March 12, 2021, 10:05:12 PM by DangledTeeth
Thanks for your attention, Comrades. But you're not leaving the gulag yet, sorry. Sincerely, Papa Stalin



Everyone's favourite uncle of the former U.S.S.R (after Brezhnev) Joseph Stalinvili has a 32-year-old great-grandson called Paul Miller, the infamous 'Gypsy Crusader', who became a highly controversial internet meme in 2020 and is now a criminal awaiting trial for possession of a firearm as a convicted felon, with previous convictions in drugs charges in 2007 and 2009. A reputable news source, which replied "based" to a tweet about Elon Musk, stated in their 10 March 2020 update that Paul faces a maximum sentence of 30 years (up to ten years according to better and earlier sources). Miller (will do) time.

The cosplaying neo-Nazi Omegle celebrity - who verbally abused people via webcam with racial and homophobic epithets - is the grandson of Svetlana Alliluyeva who defected from the U.S.S.R to the States in 1967 and altered her name to Lana Peters as a result of the shame brought on by her questionable father Joseph Stalin. In a candid interview with Thames Television in 1989, she briefly spoke about a grandson who was born a year ago which - coincidentally - is the year of Paul Miller's birth: 1988.

Paul once openly spoke about his father's DNA results on a livestream. Contrary to what Paul's believes, the Caucasus isn't in 'northern Russia', it's actually the region where great-grandad Stalin was born. The mixture of Indian can be traced through Kunwar Brijesh Singh, an Indian communist who was in a relationship with Svetlana and rumoured to have secretly had a child, presumably Paul's father (supposedly called 'Bob').

The apple doth not plummet to yonder of thineth orchard: Stalin is reported to have been a tough character from a young age, fending off the imperialists and bourgeoisie in the school playground before finding himself bored off his arse in the seminary, where he read a copy of Das Kapital and become radicalised enough to involve himself in the Revolution of 1905, resulting in multiple spells in Siberian exile and prison. And Paul 'Distant Stalin' Miller, a Catholic, found spiritual refuge in the Muay Thai 'Weapons 9' kickboxing gym since cleaning himself up after his convictions for a 'sideline in pharmaceutical retail', and he became radicalised by the rhetoric and hollow policies of Donald Trump. Paul attended revolutionary marches to protest against the milquetoast social democrats and questioned bourgeois suspects of evil, such as Ghislaine Maxwell.

Paul's ideology may have differed tremendously from his great-grandfather's vision of a communist state, but Paul's zeal for (national) socialism festered within his mind and reared its grotesque bonce since his family were apparently doxxed by an unhinged Antifa and BLM mob, involving terrifyingly intimidating phone calls and threats to turn the Miller Manor into an inferno. According to Paul - the mastermind of propaganda, just like his great-grandpa - he was fired from his job because his boss caved into harassment via telephone because the caller anonymously reported that Paul's a racist, but according to another source it's meant to be because Paul was being an incessant Trump MAGA twat by arguing with customers over their opposing political affiliation, which led to his dismissal.

Paul's grandiosity rode a deluge of fury during his time on Omegle, when a young man in a bucket hat and pointed-teeth mask said Paul is "not white" and is a "fed"; Paul verbally slammed the pint-sized anonymous and boomed his desire to purge his enemy: "if I ever come to power through something, you - people like you - I'm gonna make sure I get your ass!". He also comically said "they tuhk muh jerb" and did his best Rocky impression by challenging the webcam non-entity to "GOH DOEHW IT!" in his New Jersey accent. And if that wasn't meningitis enough, the BitWave.TV live-chat at the left of the video had the collective I.Q. of a Lego brick - even Paul was said to have given up this platform due to the excessive 'trolling' and would only come back if the owner disabled the chat.

The parallels between the two radicals are astonishing. Paul has been subject to close scrutiny under the watchful eye of the Anti Defamation League; Stalin was monitored and critiqued by Lev Trotsky and his faithful companions. Coincidence? Actually, yes.

There's no doubt whatsoever that Paul is related to Ioseb Jughashvili, for physiognomy and biology scientist Encore Musket has studied an array of juxtaposed photographs depicting the pair. "Upon intense scrutiny under lab conditions, it's clear to me that Paul Miller is 1/128th Jughashvili," said the credible boffin. "Paul's epidermis has a tint of olive, otherwise known as #d8c8b0 on photo editing programs, indicating that his melanin levels are a notch higher than people native to north-east and north-west Europe or somethin' like tha'. I've also eagerly observed the voluminous majesty of the World Famous Stalin Moustache adorning the upper lip of Dictator Stalin and have correlated its significant density and form with the prominence of Paul Miller's eyebrows. Both of these facial wonders and their authoritative follicles enthrall you into listening to the pair of average orators, whether one has an eloquent conversation with H.G. Wells or tells an overweight woman: "yeah alright, sausage hands. Put the cheese burger down!" It's also worth noting that they each have a conventional pair of ears and this denotes absolutely nothing of any value but it needed to be pointed out, though."

Psychologist Cod-Roe Bumfinder of the Empirical Bollocks Institute, Hampshire, agreed with Musket's analysis: "In my humble estimation on having observed the evidence presented by a fellow scientist, Paul resembles and ultimately behaves in a way similar to Stalin. The desire to formulate a dictatorship runs in the family - a bit like Stalin's diarrhea, el oh el. Joseph and Paul exhibit a certain level of superficial charm and are quite organised and efficient in their endeavour. Moreover, both of them have had difficulty maintaining a romantic relationship. Stalin's second wife wasn't happy about his policies towards the peasantry and tragically shot herself through the heart, whereas Paul is said to have been married at least once (supposedly twice), who divorced and left him for a Jewish woman. Another aspect which has bolstered my research into this matter is their 'cult of personality' achieved through the mass-production and distribution of their saintly image: Stalin is often idealistically presented as the captivating, industrious father figure who'll lead his hard-working comrades towards a classless utopia, while Paul Miller is broadly displayed as the charismatic unemployed warrior who'll elevate the superiority of the Aryan race by mainly insulting people under the age of eighteen and selling expensive clothing patches which law enforcement can easily trace to the recipients' addresses. But the data is remarkable enough to warrant my scathing verdict: they are terrible sociopaths who wander into the narcissism spectrum. Not solely because of their familial traits, but because it's enormously clear to me that they are a pair of cunts."

If the sensational parallels haven't yet convinced you that the Florida-based tree-walloping kick champion and Marxist-Leninist Georgian death merchant are related, please take a few seconds to wrap your lugholes around their musical voices: Stalin sings. Paul Sings

The nihilistic and outrageous Paul Miller disregarded his sense of decency and compassion as the Joker, Riddler, Super Mario, Darth Sidious, a trigger-happy psychiatrist, annnnd the combat vest-clad Burger King. Stalin ruled with a withered iron left fist for around 30 years... Paul could possibly spend the same amount of time in an underwhelming federal prison as opposed to the homely quarters in the Kremlin (with a perfectly functioning left arm, of course).

It's been medically proven that health conditions can be hereditary, only time will tell if Paul's blood pressure will be high enough to trigger a debilitating headache as he practices a roundhouse kick, consequently stumbling to the floor and drowning in his own puddle of digested food.


April 25, 2021, 09:01:41 PM #20 Last Edit: April 25, 2021, 11:26:15 PM by DangledTeeth


May 01, 2021, 12:29:27 AM #22 Last Edit: May 01, 2021, 01:03:53 AM by DangledTeeth
Hello. This is a French documentary, but I am an American voice narrating over the upcoming brilliantly colourised archive footage, some of the photos are laughably saturated. The out-of-whack chronology isn't desirable, but at least I'll say '20 years before' and/or state the yearhr.

I'll start off this dahcumentary at the year of 1936. Mos-cow, 1936. Inside the vahst hahlls, corridors and offices of the Kremlin, you will find the bloodthirsty death merchant walking with a slight limp.

Stalin - his power is absolute.

Here, he announces the results of the 'elections'. 101% voted for the Gee Es to be incumbent; the 99% who didn't were quietly conveyed to the Vorkuta holiday camp for five years.

Stalin's cult-like audience stare glassy-eyed with insincerity at the spectacle, they clap in unison until their palms sting. Nobody dares to be the lahst to cease their rapturous applause or else they will be subjected to a shoddy trial which will result in a prison sentence of one year.

The tyrant holds up a wahtch for his audience to obserhrve. This signified that not only it is time to stop showering him with applause, it's also time to industrialise and build another ornate subway station.

Fyodor Citationokova recalls: "The comrades in attendance look around at each other, some with a bead of sweat resting on their temple. Nobody wants to be the firhrst to stop clapping, but I've had a stinky one stirring in my colon for about ten minutes and my asshole could naht withstand the tedium of it all. I consequently squeezed out a noiser, what I'd eloquently and succinctly describe as a duck playing a trahmbone. This provided a degree of hilarity for the comrades in my vicinity, although not so much for myself when a leather-clad officer from the People's Commissariat for Internal Affairs dragged me away from my apartment due to offence arising from my internal affair." Fyodor was taken to a basement in Lbuyanka and beaten across his face, he left the next day with his forearm in a sling. But his allegiance to the socialist state never waivers... unlike his farts.

Who is Stalin?

A safeguard against Nazism?

The little father of the people?

A mass murderer?

Stalin once said: ""Yesterday we were an army with no country. Tomorrow, we have to decide which country we want to buy! Shame on a nigga who try to run game on a nigga" - Joseph Stalin, MALEVOLENT DICTATOR.

How did he succeed at being Joseph Stalin?

In this startling dahcumnetary, you shall look aghast at the luscious HD restored footage from the Soviet Archives as you witness the rise to power of Stalin, THE WITHERED LEFT ARM PRINCE OF DESPOTISM. Just like in classic Russian literature, he bludgeons two women with an axe before heading off to Jesus University where he succumbs to an orderly world of snitching and punishment.

June 22 1941, without a prior declaration of warhr, the German army attacks the USSR, which is known as the Gangster Capitalist Republic of Russia today.

The German advahnce is very explodey and hurts people to death. Within days they capture hundreds of thousands of prisoners. Hitler, THE GRUMPY-FACED ORATOR OF RACISM, does a crooked wave and climbs back into his luxurious car. He's naht a fan of communism or even Stalin for that matter. Two rivals go head-to-head in the territorial battle of the 20th century. Who will win? History has determined the winnerhr. How did Stalin win? Find in out in this thrilling dahcumnetary in just a few moments:

Hitler declares: "Our destiny points us to ze Eazt. Vwe shall trample the Bolsheviks und spare not einen soul unless it iz Aryan soul from Mongolia". In 1939, the Austrian lunatic invades several countries except for Germany - his base of evil operations. His next targets were Leningrad, Kiev and Mos-cow, the capital of the Soviet Union.

In the early morning of June 22nd 1941, houses dance with refulgent fire; and Stalin yawns and stretches his arms, his comrades too afraid to waken him or else they will be gulagged until the next decade. Stalin did everything he could to avoid militant cahnflict, but one thing he could naht stahp was tyrannical Hitler and his zeal for cleansing the earth of those he perceived to be 'wankershiezen'. I'll bet Stalin regretted supplying raw materials to Hitler, which his army used to secure Frahnce.

May 1st 1941 in Red Square, just before Hitler's attack, Russian propaganda insisted that German guests attend the military parade. They wore grey uniforms designed by Hugo Boss. As for the Germans... aw-hah-har-har.

Here we see Stalin plodding along with his Mafioso henchman Mahlotahv beside him, the man who either has a slightly bulbous head or a very high hairline; they are walking backwards because Stalin thought it would be quite amusing to do so, but who would question the eccentricity of the daffy General Secretary?! Mahlotahv was one of the very few comrades who could critique Stalin's policies and ideas, but suggesting that walking backwards in unison achieves nothing would earn him an exclusive seat in a torture chair, where he would blurt a forced confession which makes barely any sense. And crowds of adoring citizens of Mos-cow waving at Stalin as he stands on the Mausoleum balcony thing at a completely different time.

Stalin shahcked the worl' when he made a deal with the devil in 1939. When the non-aggression pact treaty was signed, Hitler's phahtahgrapherhr took close-up of Stalin's earhrs. According to Hitler, Jews have deformed earlobes. Stalin's earlobes were normal, so he couldn't be Jewish. Stalin is naht Jewish or even Russian, in fact. He is Georgian. His mother tongue isn't Russian, it's Georgian. If the matter-of-fact tone and cadence of my simple English makes you lahgh, I actually say all of this verbatim in the real dahcumentary. And just to be clear: Russians don't usually speak Georgian.

Even though he was raised by a seminary, his mind is closer to that of a Middle Eastern des-paht. Sah-darm Hussein resembles Stalin, but Sah-darm is Iraqi. HE IS NAHT STALIN.

Here is a photograph of a young Stalin, 1892 emblazoned acrahss his chin naht included. He was born in 1878 in Gori, a minuscule shithole filled with foreigners, only several miles wahlk from Tiff-fliss or Tblissi. the capital of Georgia. It was a part of the Russian Empire, ruled by a lineage of Romanovs. Nicholas the Second was a weak and devout sahvereign.

Stalin's Georgia was a fucking landfill of a place in the Caucasus with a mixture of Turkish, Jewish, Kurdish and Armenian minorities struggled to coexist with... each other. His father, Besarion Jughashvili, was a drunk-ass hooch sucker who was a cahbbler and enjoyed a sip of wine. Joseph looks like him. (How odd.) Joseph will conceal the memory of his violent, drunk father - and this is based on primary sources for an unreliable drunk man who's depicted in one existing photograhph.

Jughashvili Stalin will also hide his childhood disabilities, such as his webbed feet or the diseases that annihilated his two brothers (I wouldn't call that a 'disability' but you get the idea). And most of all, the smallpahx that left perhrmanent marks on his skin, which make-ups artists and airbrush experts will do their utmost to mahsk or else it's a show trial for them. How can you successfully crahft a cult of personality when your face looks like a lukewarm pizza made by DFS?!

His left arhrm is shorter than the right. That's how much of a revolutionary he is: his symbahlic left arm will not be equal to his right (wing) and represents the struggle of the proletariat. Stalin also walks with a light limp after a cart attempted to assassinate him when he was 12 (which was later sentenced to a decade-long sentence of life in a gulag; it used to transport labour camp boulders). But one Stalin can't hide, unless he acted mutely, was his heavy foreign accent - STALIN IS GEORGIAN  - so he rarely speaks in public.

July 3rd 1941

The chime rings out from the Kremlin, heralding Radio Mos-cow and signalling that Stalin is about to deliver a speech, which will be boomed out over the loudspeakers across the country's public squares. It took Stalin ten ffffucking days to let his subjects know that the Red Army has been threatened by the Germans. The concerned Soviets finally here his voice, but they dare not lahgh because 1/5 relatives in your family could be an informer.   

Sarah Fictitiousetska was a young woman in the crowd. She recalled: "Everyone around me was crying... with laughter. Papa Stalin sounded like just what he is: a right bellend. Well, not that sort of 'right', right. He sounds like a mound of inebriated grit. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a railway bridge to build"

Stalin is hailed as a god to the people in a Soviet state of atheism, but he appreciates that people worship him as a god. Look at these airborne portraits of their deity. Stalin's face gracefully floats in the sky, always watching over his socialist denizens. He loves his people just like they reciprocate the love Stalin bestows them.

I am pleased to announce that the French version has been translated into English text, so that means 'Staline' will now be 'Stalin'. And so, we continue the documentary.

Let's take a trip back in time... erm... more so, before the 1940s. Stalin was younger. The Georgian boy was born in Georgia which was where he naturally learned to speak Georgian. We know his father's name, but what of his motherhr?

Ekaterina 'Keke' Jughashvili is also a Georgian (who speaks Georgian). She sent her son Ioseb Jughashvili to the Holy Institute, and she gave him a slap around the ear once in a while. Stalin preferred to keep his family distant, but once he rose to power he visited Mother Stalin. She asked: "eey oop, sohn. So wha' y'bin doin' these pahst year?" To which Stalin respahnded: "Do you remember Nick the Second? Well, in a way, I am Nicholas the Third. The prison system has been revamped, I have 20 dachas and a fleet of American cars. My name is now Joseph Stalin. Y'going t'stick kettle on?" Kettle - I mean Keke - said: "Oh dear, sohn. Y'wasted all these year at t'seminary tuh become dictator. Still, as long as y'happy".

Stalin was enrolled at God University where he learhrned to speak Russian, Greek and Propaganda. He was a teenager at this time, and he had an affinity for penning fire bars, have a listen: "Long live our people, united and free. Strong in our friendship tried by fire. Long may our crimson flag inspire. Shining in glory for all men to see." He does well in the choir talent shows, but the banished tome of Cahmunnism entices Stalin with its lofty prahmise of equality and seizing the means of production, consequently making him storm out of the seminary, throwing himself at the mercy of the revolution.


Stalin is 20, no longer a teenagerhr. He refuses to crimp his hairdo. His jawline becomes a beard of facial hair. He reads forbidden books by Penthousevka and Mark Twain. The seminary told him to pack his ass and shit off. From this point onwards until the Stalin years, he adopts the nickname 'Koba', a name for a Rahbin Hood-style folklore hero of Georgia. He pictures himself as a don of his mafia, but he hasn't constructed his dictatorship yet. In 1901 he joins the underground Social Democrat Party in Tiflis and is immediately spotted by the tsar's secret police, THE OKHRANA. He has a stint at the meteorological observatory, where he has enough free time to read Marx and Engel's classic fiction thriller nahvel 'The Communisto Manifested' through the lens of an incredibly powerful telescope. Stalin observed the End Private Property galaxies and the nebulas of 'armed revolution'.

Stalin indahctrinates workers: "Mate, why ain't we got the same rights? The Russian Empire is feudal and must be destroyed"

Imperial Tsar, Nicholas double capital ayes, films himself to show his English cousins that he's adept enough to compete in Wimbledon. And he also birthday suits the cold lake with his regal cohorts in a sickening display of privilege... and ass!!!!

The industrial working clahss emerges. Soot and filth, filth and soot. Working hard. BDTINK! BDTINK! goes the hammer. The demahnding tahsks of the Baku oil refineries gets on the tits of the workers and they rise up. Their revolutionary banger is "You Know How we Do" but with altered lyrics in Russian and a parental advisory explicit content stickerhr written in Cyrillic.

Stalin Joogarshviihliih was sent to Baku to organise protests. There were indeed strikes once the proceedings boiled over into a mega altercation. Roundhouse kicks and Superman punches were the order of the day. Crumpled knockoutees were sprawled across the cahncrete precincts with nothing except their conceit for physical labour and a black eye.

In 1902 April Fifth, Stalin was arrested!! His police record reads: Height - short ass. Sexy hair. Average build with crappy left arm. Age: not dead yet. He will later say that Tsarist prisons are like retirement homes. He spends one whole yearhr reading Esperanto and 'What is to Be Done', a seminal best-seller by Vladimir Ilich Ulyanov - LENIN - the future leader of the revolution back in the pahst.


The battle between the Nazis and the Soviets commences. The Soviets were initially overwhelmed because cockhead Stalin purged thousands of his best officers in 1937, according to Western propaganda. Stalin enacts Order Two Hundred Seventy: severe punishment will be meted out for those who surrender, desert or die in battle. Hitler lets his Soviet captives starve of hungerhrhrhrhrhr.

The Ukrainian farmers, who were victims of the Stalinian famine THE HOLODOMOR, which caused 20 billion deaths, welcome the passing Nazis. The Red Army loops their gullets once they come back.

The Mos-cowians fight for Stalin's Soviet Union. All men aged fetus to 100 will be provided boarding passes for an overflowing train. 14 million soldiers. Now, there ain't but 8 million Nazis in the whole town. Can you dig it? Can you dig it?


Stalin is determined to decimate Hitler and his SS army. Stalin appoints himself War Commissar of Defence. Supreme Premier of Tactical Resistance. Chairman of the Red Army Committee. Chief of the Orgboro for Wartime Affairs However, like Hitler, Stalin is a centimetre shit as a strategist. Thank fuck that he has General Zhukov by his side. Zhukov carefully scans the maps and makes one of those fancy compass things pirouette across the sheets and shoves miniature tanks along with a modified snooker cue. Stalin puffs his pipe as he's cahnfident the tank specialist can do a greater jahb than him. Of course, Zhukov maintains an air of modesty or else it's one year in the Ural mines for him. Nobody is better than Stalin, not even Stalin the man himself - STALIN. Zhukov predicts that the Nazis will deploy their army at a location that's marked on the map somewhere. Stalin nods as his exhaled smoke dissipates into the air, his renowned moustache still admirable. Zhukov advises: we must evacuate Kiev. Stalin listens to the sounds channelled between his normal earlobes, causing a dismayed Stalin to raise his voice: "Do what?! Are you off your tits, son?! Kiev is not theirs for the taking". Zhukov is correct. Stalin is a twat.

Hitler looks at a map and acts like he understands the highfalutin terminology being relayed to him by one of his generals. "Ze tank goes here und shoots einen Communisteischeneibekaneintzablankt, mein Fuhrer"

The Nazis entered Kiev and prahdded the locals with a twig and they whispered "Stalin der Bolshevik starved your fa-mi-leeee to death. Nicht sehr gut. Stalin ist einen kunt, ja." German propaganda shows the victims of Stalin's secret police: victims with hands tied behind their back. And 300,000 Ukranian Jews are marched to the Babi Yar ravine and then executed. A great Russian poet writes: "Fucked!"


Yes, this documentary is inconsistent. I TOLD YOU THAT ALREADY!! Stalin still goes by the name Jughashvili. He was 25. He joins the Bolsheviks, a faction run by *Spoiler Alert* Lenin. Still in exile and as impassioned as ever. Lenin confronts the Menshevik minority and tells them to 'shoo' because of their milquetoast, ineffective ways. Lenin singles out Joogarshviihliih and promotes him to leader of the Caucasus in 1905. He praises Stalin's Marxist sectarianism and efficiency with financial assets, which is a euphemism for robbing banks. The socialist frown upahn Stalin's unorthodox methods, but he insists it's for the greater good.

Jughashvili becomes a Georgian godfather and regularly sports an array of outfits. He is thirty and his libido indicates that he is ready to fuck! "The glints in his eyes bear reflections of hardened nipples", according to one of his (not Robert) conquests.

In between his revolutionary escapades, Stalin meets Ekaterina 'Kato' Svanidze and they have a son, Yakov. Tragically, she dies in 1907. Stalin's grief compels him to say: "This thing softened my heart of ruthlessness, but now I'm an iota upset and it will only make me even more determined to abolish capitalism and seize control of the land." Stalin leaves his son behind in order to focus on pressing revolutionary matters, but Stalin later reclaims his son when he comes to power.


Yakov Jughashvili is captured by the Germans. He is worthy of placing on the mantelpiece. Once Stalin learns that his son has been captured, he has Yakov's wife arrested and separated from his daughter. The Germans' interrogation provides them with one essential piece of information: Stalin doesn't like Nazis.


Stalin doesn't participate in the festivities of World War One. His limp and withered arm are far from desirable; it would be like giving a rifle to a bear. After unlawfully fucking around the parish too much, he is deported to Siberia. He becomes best pals with Lev Kamenev, who Stalin will execute 20 years later.

March 12 1917, Stalin is a free man and arrives in St. Petersburg, which is renamed Petrograd after Petro the Grad when tsar Nicholas II was chased from power. Nicholas admitted: "I was born an unhappy rich asswipe, and I've turned Russia into unhappy asswipes". Socialist Kerensky wants to uphold the Provisional Government, this means pursuing the war. Stalin was called by the army but was soon found unsound due to his dodgy appendage and peculiarly jolly stride.

The people of Russia cling to a huge gate; Lenin's slogan has been successful: I promise you freedom, oxygen, bread and Stalin - all in that precise order. Other signs carry more threatening slogans: FUCK OFF AND HANG FROM A TREE, YOU BOURGEOIS CUNTS!

Trotsky, 38, is a brilliant Jewish Marxist intellectual, who has returned from exile in Paris and New York. Hmm, that's some exile. He loved by many, even conservative and an-tie cahmmunist historians, for he is profoundly articulate and witty. The envious Stalin doesn't like the silver spoon middle-clahss ponce, for Stalin values the traditional hardworking peasant who rises up the ranks of the hierarchy. Kerensky launches a raid and arrests 800 Bolsheviks including Kamenev and Trahtsky. Lenin Escapes to Finland with a freshly shaven-off goatee courtesy of Stalin, not to mention a farmer outfit. Stalin remains and becomes an important figure... or does he?

A heavily armed Dalek is briefly aided by the Provisional Government, but it tumbles down the staircase and bleats in incahmprehensible dialahgue. As for the Dalek... ah-hah-hah!!

October Revolution. Kerensky escaped to America. The Bolsheviks are in power. Lenin creates the role 'People's Commissarhr', he makes Stalin Commissar of Nationalities. 20 years later, Stalin will execute 12 members of Lenin's government. But until then, Lenin holds the power.

Stalin seduces his 16-year-old secretary Nadezhda Alliluyeva and married her when she was 18 and he was 40. He has known her since she was four, when her Bolshevik family hid Lenin when the police were searching for him. Stalin already had a bonk with her mother.

Lenin is shaht three times by socialist revolutionary Fanny Kaplan and survives. The Red Terror commences.


German bahmbers attack the Soviet capital. The Wermacht's tanks are approaching the Kremlin. Hitler declares: "Russia ist finished!!". In Mos-cow, Stalin decides to stahp authorising evacuations and to shoot anyone suspected of wanting to leave the city.

Stalin, in the Mos-cow subway, delivers an awe-inspiring speech in front of his government and Cahmmunist party leaders. He quotes Hitler, directing the Fuhrer's words at the men and women listening to him. They have survived two decades of terror. Stalin warns them that the worst is yet to come before he topples over into a pissy heap.

Stalin has always lied, betrayed, and killed. In his utopic worl' he has forged a new society and a new man - the Red Man. (If you see a famine victim passed out on the sidewalk, motherfucker, what the fuck you gon' do?) Red like the colour red. Blood red.

Be sure to waahtch morhre histahrical insight in the next enthralling instahllment of...


Grover with his crazy explanations
The History Professor is gonna need his citations
When he hears Grover's lame defence of Stalin's operations
There'll be a totalitarian town tonight!


May 16, 2021, 11:40:44 PM #24 Last Edit: May 17, 2021, 12:36:06 AM by DangledTeeth

Y'alright, YouTube. It's me, TIK. Yes, I have got a fuhckload of books about Stalingrad on my shelf behind me. Why do I have so many on one sohbject? Well, I'm a big fan of gigantic battles, as well as history in general (pardon the pun).

Sohme people - including yourselves - will be aware that Hitler and Stalin never met, boht they were obviously aware of each other. A question that will have doubtless sprang to your mind is: why did Hitler not sign the non-aggression pact in the presence of Stalin? The ahnswer is unusual yet very straightforward: Joseph Stalin was Adolf Hitler.

Now, sohme of you will think I advocate one of the other. So I'll say that I'm not a Nahtzi, nor am I a fascist, socialist, Marxist, communist, nohthing like tha'. They're all ideologies and economical systems that have never worked out because they're completely s h i t, right.

This is a five-hour video, right, and I know that sohme of you will be like: "TIK, you've gone fuckin' barmy, mate. One was a Germany and the other was the an Turkish" and "but they're clearly two individual people who represented two opposing ideologies that are not compatible whatsoever". If you watch the entire video or check the video's description for the timestamps to the parts which interest you the most, you will have an ahsnwer to your counter-argument already dohne for you. And please check the sources below if y'don't believe me.

Now, it's very interesting and too coincidental that there'd be two dictators living and operating in the same era. And it's also intriguing when you think about the similarities: Hitler had a withered left testicle, while Stalin's left arm was a missing testicle, right. They both didn't like modern art and disliked poncy intellectuals. In 1913, they all lived in the vicinity of each other (including Trotsky, Tito and Freud), and had a sip of latte at Cafe Central, the world-renowned cafe that's a cafe. Stalin loved his cream coffee, and so did Hitler, unsurprisingly. Trotsky once famously gulped an iced tea and complained of a hint of brain-freeze, foreshadowing his macabre assassination by an ice axe.

Boht why would Stalin develop this alter ego and go to the trouble of being filmed, having photographs taken and failing to lead the Nahtzis to glory? That's because National Socialism is socialism. It's the same thing, right. Bees in a hive. Boht the difference is that Hitler's socialism was racist, whereas Marxist socialism was predicated on equality.

So wha' Stalin did was create opposition in the West and then act like he's against it and stage this enormous war, right. Stalin just abou' hid his antisemitism until the later years. Hitler, as we know, was very open abou' his antisemitism and was cruel and unhinged about it ahll.

All Stalin 'ad to do was say he's popping ou' to have a salt bahth holiday for the week and go on a photo and video shoot with his revolutionaries in the West and squash his moustache into the trademark square and then extend it ahfterwards.

An' the reason why the Great Purge happened was all the officers, intelligentsia, Santa Christmases, subway marble columns and all the other people saw Stalin practice the funny walk even though he were supposed to have a dodgy hip, although with tha' being said, Stalin did have a funny walk anyhow, so... he had them all execunted to death because that's wha' Stalin did. He didn't do it arbitrarily, he just felt like doing it for no discernible reason. Boht he is Stalin, don't you forget. Stalin... killed people. So did Hitler, boht we all know our history. Look at the sources in my pinned comment.

Anohther fact to take note of is there's no photograhphic evidence of Hitler's corpse, and that's because he was toasted in a bonfire. Boht we see evidence of Stalin on his bier. Annnnd he died eight years ahfter Hitler did. *Points at camera* There's sohmething for you to have a ponder about.

A big thank you to my Patreon supporters. Without your donations, I could not have bought all these weighty tomes about people shooting each other in some crumbling cunthole. New video next Thursday. See you in the next video.



May 17, 2021, 11:39:46 PM #26 Last Edit: May 17, 2021, 11:57:06 PM by DangledTeeth



M-L Beast herhre. Today my mission is quite simple, and that is to endure the Five Purges of Brain Freeze like an absolute dictator, who has nothing but ice-cold water flowing through his veins.

Now, all I have to do is take down these ice cream cones, chug a Slurpee, eat ten ice cubes, stick my head into this fish tank filled with icy water and bring it home by chugging down a half-gallon of cold chocolate milk, complaining about Trotsky no more than twenty times. Now, if I complain about Trotsky more than twenty times, I will have to warm myself back up by chewing five bubble tapes of bubblegum, chewing them up, spitting them out and putting them in a microwave (even though they've never been invented in my time, and I wouldn't be in an American house, certainly not in 2014) and then putting the concoction on my hairas a warm gum hat.

Without furver uhdoooo, I am the M-L Beast. And this is how you handle a brainfreeze.

( ( (Have-a-gulag-daaaay!!) ) )


I'll start off with these ice cream cones. *Chews* They're very smooth and contain dairy. *Winces* Guurgh! Oh! Okay...

I put this Slurpee in the fridge, so it's quite cold right now. It tastes of raspberries, which is what you'd expect from a raspberry Slurpee.

Not bad, not bad. These ice cubes are really cold and don't taste of anything at all. Kinda like water but frozen.

Fish tankie show trial dunk - I have no idea what I just said.

*Shoves his head into the fish tank*


I'll move on to the final parhrt of this gauntlet, and that's this chocolate milk right herhre. *Apprehensive exhale* Oh boy... *G(u)lug glug glug*

Ohhhh... uUuHhHeEeeuUUrRrRgGGgHhhH! Spit!

Okay, I said 'Trotsky' 29 times yet removed it from the final cut of this video, so I've failed the gauntlet. As promised, I will put this microwaved bubblegum onto my hair in order to warm myself up.

I am the M-L Beast. Be sure to share this video with your comrades. Ugh, the gum's hardening in my hair. This wasn't supposed to happen.



May 26, 2021, 08:16:16 PM #29 Last Edit: May 26, 2021, 09:25:40 PM by DangledTeeth

Is the camera on? All ready? Cool.

I'd like to lecture you all this evening about more bullshit - ahem - which has been included with the anti-Stalin paradigm affecting us Marxist-Leninists. If you've listened to my previous tirades about unreliable conservative historians who keep concocting these lies about Comrade Stalin, you'll be displeased to know that I have read the whole of the newest unpublished addition to Stephen Kahtkin's Stalin biographies, the third and final volume, which he calls 'Miscalculations and The Mao Eclipse, 1942-1953'. Don't ahsk me how I obtained a cahpy for something that hasn't been published whatsoever, but I have his book. Okay, I'll be hahnest with you: a friend of mine is an acquaintance to a proof-reader who's affiliated with Penguin and he emailed him, my friend, a drahft version of Kahtkin's untrammeled, perfidious trash.

I read his third doorstahp from beginning to end. And let me tell you, you certainly don't want to peruse the detritus spread across 800 pages of slanderous nahnsense and 400 pages of 'references' to Nazi propaganda and Rahbert Cahnquest's incoherent facsimiles of lies. I checked them all, so you don't need to bother. But if you aren't sure about what I have to tell you, you can always 'consult' what Kahtkin's research and editorial team - sorry - Stephen himself has written, which isn't the same as encouraging you to read the whole of his draft-stage book.

So, Kahtkin begins his tome at 1942. Of course, his other book ended at 1941, which is the previous and second book titled 'Waiting for Hitler: 1929-1941' and I've lectured about this compendium of deceit before and released my counteraction book 'Waiting for... The Truth' but, quite suspiciously, I haven't a bad word to say about the first vahlume 'Paradoxes of Power: 1878-1928', which may have something to do with the fairness of the book in terms of addressing the main prahblem of the Tsarist regime, making Stalin sound like an ordinary human who eventually became the revolutionary whom we all revere to the tits and back. But his second vahlume goes straight into the collectivisation which is categorically untrue and wholly dishahnest. The Holodomor was orchestrated by the grain-hoarding kulaks and they set up the roadblarcks. The 1933 photograhphs are from 1919 and 1921. And Gareth Jones was a British intelligence spy 'journalist' who was exposed by comrade Walter Duranty.

Stalin functioned as Premier during WW2 and set up reforms in terms of policing and intelligence. Beria did a superb job at stabilising the fascist double-agent Yezhov's underhanded orders to purge people as a way to weaken the SU for the Nazis - Kahtkin and his corporate publishers wouldn't want you to be aware of the truth that all the counter-signed dahcuments were photoshahpped by a Ukrainian nationalist in 1998.

In recent times more propaganda has been produced in the form of cinema. Look at Iannucci's 'Death of Stalin' movie. Completely inaccurate. They wouldn't have had American or English accents. Stalin was poisoned by Khrushchev and Malenkov. The NKVD were dissolved by the mid 1940s. Beria is portrayed as a slippery, sinister character and implies that he was a torturer and a sleazy creep at the very least (don't ahsk me about those bodies they found when digging around the Tunisian Embassy, which was Beria's former residence). And they depict Khrushchev as the clever hero who triumphs along with his weary pals for the greater good of the Committee.

Kahtkin wrote that Zhukov was outstanding as a general and marshal. He does say that Zhukov hoarded German treasures yet he made it sound like it wasn't unusual for anybody else to do it, too. More deceit from Kahtkin!! Zhukov is the only capitalistic plunderer and deserved naht to be hailed a hero by Stalin. Ahfter all, he didn't do any of the strategical manoeuvres, it was Stalin who did it - the people appointed him Commissariat of Battle Defense and Premier of Wartime Planning, naht Zhukov. None of the cosmopolitan bourgeoisie want to credit Stalin for anything. Assholes, all of them.

And Kahtkin goes into detail about the so-called 'Doctor's Plaht'. He did write that naht all of the rounded-up suspects were Jewish, but what he ought to have written was that none of them were Jewish. In fact, no doctors were arrested. This is a lie invented by the anti-cahmmunist Richard Pipes.

Stephen Kahtkin also wildly prattles on about Mao killing three trillion people during his reign. But don't consult his book whenever it's on sale - if it gets published - because you won't find a word about those three trillion deaths *shifts eyes left to right* erm, right now in the present.

Well, thanks for listening to my lecture. Be sure to donate to this humble organisation and you can obtain a cahpy of any one of my books: Blood Lies - Why Everyfuckingthing Timothy Snyder Posits is Verifiably False; Volkogonov - All Statements and Archival Evidence is Demonstrably Shit Beyond Comprehension. And be sure to prepare yourselves with glee now that I'll announce the latest book I'm working on in two separate volumes based on the same author: 'Red Fanny - Why Anne Applebaum is Categorically and Astronomically Pissing Wrong About The Holodomor' and 'Gulies - The Distorted Truth of Anne Applebaum's Accounts of the Gulag which can be Proven to be Overwhelmingly Fucking Stupid and Misleading'